“Not yet, I—”
“Better do that first.” Abbie reached for the robe hanging on the hook on her closet door. “It may not be any kind of problem at all. He might be glad for you to have the opportunity to travel awhile before settling down.”
An odd kind of panic seized Lily. “But what if he doesn’t?”
“Then you’ll have to make a decision, won’t you?” Abbie smiled. “I think you’ll be surprised, Lily, at how good it feels to just … jump.”
Lily stared at her sister. “Abbie … are you okay?”
Abbie smiled mysteriously. “I’m fine, honey. I’ve got to be over on Farmer Street in twenty minutes, and I need to take a shower and change. Let’s talk later.” She pulled on her bathrobe and headed off to the bathroom.
Lily wandered back down to the living room. She was disappointed to see that it was empty. Hurrying to look out the kitchen window, she saw Marina and Gerry walking toward the Playhouse with the baby. It gave her an unpleasant twist in her heart to see them like that. What if Marina went back with Gerry? What would that do to their father? He had been so happy lately, so much more there. Lily was seized with a sudden desire to rush outside, grab Marina by the shoulders, and apologize for the way she’d acted about their mother’s bedspread. About the way she’d acted all summer. Not showing Marina her engagement ring. It would be terrible if Marina chose Gerry instead of their father because Lily had made her feel unwanted!
Marina, Gerry, and the baby disappeared inside the Playhouse.
Lily took a deep breath. Now she had to deal with her own choice. Now she had to tell Jason.
She had planned to meet him at his apartment around six. They weren’t going out to eat tonight; they were saving money toward their wedding. For the first time in a long time, Lily didn’t have an evening function to attend. The summer was winding down. People were returning to work and to organize their children for school and college. Around Labor Day there would be another rush of events, but tonight, this summer night, she was free.
She walked over to Jason’s place, let herself in, and checked the cupboards and refrigerator. She’d make spaghetti, she decided. She found a bottle of inexpensive red wine, opened it, and poured herself a glass to drink while she cooked. Jason came in as she was putting together a salad.
“Hi, babe,” he called. “Smells good.” As always, he headed right for the shower.
In a few minutes, he came out, smelling like Ivory soap and shampoo, wearing clean jeans and a white tee shirt. His hair was still damp, his face brown from working in the sun. Lily kissed him, and he kissed her back, thoroughly.
She’d spent enough evenings with him by now to know that whatever she wanted to discuss could wait until after he’d eaten, so she handed him a beer and tossed the salad and set the table. As they ate, he talked about his day and Lily told him some of what had gone on for her. Not until they were through eating did Lily say, “Jason, there’s something else I need to talk to you about.”
He was getting another beer from the refrigerator. “So hit me.”
“Eartha’s asked me to go to Paris with her this fall.”
“Cool, honey.” Jason threw himself down on the couch and put his feet up on his old beaten-up coffee table. “For how long?”
Lily swallowed. “About six months.”
“Six months!” He swung his legs to the floor and turned around to face Lily. “Six months?”
Lily hurried to sit next to him on the couch. “Jason, she’s going to pay me five thousand dollars a month! Plus room and board, plus I know she’ll buy me some sublime new outfits.”
“Hell, Lily, what do you need expensive clothes for? You’re fine just as you are.”
“But, Jason, I like expensive clothes—but that’s not the point.”
“No, the point is, you’d rather be with that rich old broad than with me.”
“The thing is, Jason,” Lily said quietly, “I haven’t been anywhere.”
“Well, I have, and let me tell you, Nantucket is as good as it gets.” He swallowed hard. “And if you really loved me, you wouldn’t want to leave. For six months.”
“I do really love you,” Lily protested.
But Jason stood up and began to pace the room. “I was afraid this would happen. I could see it coming.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That Yardley woman’s going to give you a taste for the kind of luxury I’ll never be able to give you.”
“That’s not true!” Lily insisted. “I don’t see why you’re so upset! I just want to have a little adventure before settling down.”
Jason skewered her with his stare. “Six months, Lily? Six months?”
He was so handsome, so sexy, and she never wanted to hurt him. Lily crossed the room, wrapped her arms around his waist, and pressed herself against him. “Jason. I love you. I want to marry you. Think of how much money I’ll make.” She moved her hips against his.
“Don’t start with that,” Jason said. He put his hands on her shoulders and pushed her away. “You want too much, Lily. You want two different things at the same time. And you can’t have that, Lily. You’re going to have to make a choice.”
Jason turned his back on her and went out the door, slamming it hard behind him.
“Don’t go,” Lily begged, but he was already gone.
She ran her hands through her hair. She sat down on the couch and sipped some wine, then immediately stood up, restless with her emotions. He’ll come back, she told herself, of course he will. He just needs time to walk it off, to think.
She cleaned the kitchen, did the dishes, and made herself a cup of tea. She tried watching television, but her attention was all over the place, she kept thinking of things she wished she’d said to Jason, things she wanted to tell him right now. An hour passed, and then two hours, and she began to freak out a bit. Where was he? It really wasn’t fair of him to just walk out on her like that, just to leave without talking things over!
And what had he said? That she wanted too much? That she wanted two different things at the same time? That she had to make a choice?
She couldn’t stay in the little apartment any longer. She grabbed up her purse and went to the door, stopping for a moment to consider whether she should leave her engagement ring on the table. That would scare him! she thought. Maybe he’d be more flexible about their plans if he thought he would lose her.
Or maybe he would believe their engagement was off.
She kept the ring on, and hurried through the dark night back to her house.
53
Marina
Marina opened the door to the cottage and stood back for Gerry and his son to go in. Instead, Gerry handed the baby to her. The warm weight of the child made her heart turn over.
“I’d better bring my luggage in. The cabdriver left it at the end of the driveway.”
Indignation shot through Marina. “You brought luggage?”
“Of course I brought luggage. Believe me, you can’t travel across the room without piles of stuff for the baby. Not to mention, it’s a hell of a long trip out here to the middle of nowhere.” Gerry walked off.
Marina sank onto the sofa and gazed down at the sleeping infant. Oh, Dara, she thought mournfully. Dara’s parents and brother must be devastated. She hoped it brought them some solace that this child of Dara’s was here on earth.
Gerry returned, dragging behind him a large suitcase and lugging a duffel bag. He dropped them by the table and came to sit next to Marina. Together they looked down at the sleeping baby.
“He’s so beautiful,” Marina whispered.
Emotions flooded through her—envy, self-pity, confusion, wonder, and doubt. Was what she’d always wanted being offered to her now, at last, by Fate? Certainly, here was a fresh, new beginning. So much she was familiar with, so much that she loved, waited for her where this baby belonged. Her old friends, her old surroundings, her old life. The rolling green and wooded hills of Missouri, the
streams and forested beauty, as well as the more civilized enticements of the city with its elegant plaza, art museum, concert halls, and parks.
But what of the life she had begun here, spun with such diligent industry from her own determination and hope like the shimmering threads of a spider’s complex and optimistic web? What about this present beauty, the sparkling blue ocean, the golden beaches, the small-town charm? Most of all, what about Jim? Did she love him? Could that love be compared to what she had once felt for Gerry? Certainly Jim was the more honest, trustworthy man. She did love him. And she felt safe with him.
But this baby … he was so small and vulnerable. How would he fare without the soft, maternal embrace of a constant female presence? Gerry was certainly not going to stay home with the baby. He would continue to run the agency. He was all about the agency. And even with all the love in his heart, he could be only one parent, not two. Marina gazed down at the baby, swaddled in a light blanket, and envisioned the future: rocking the infant, feeding him a bottle, carrying him against her heart in a Snugli, reading him books, pushing him in a stroller, clapping her hands when he learned to crawl or eat creamed food or walk … He would know no other mother. She would always be his mother. They would belong to each other. She could keep him healthy, happy, and safe.
But something within her bridled at this dream. Her feelings were confused, swirling in a kind of maelstrom that pulled on her heart.
Carefully, she lifted the infant and laid him in his father’s lap.
“I’m glad you have him,” Marina told Gerry.
“Marina—”
“He’s irresistible,” Marina continued. “You won’t have any trouble at all finding someone to love him, and you.”
“Wait, Marina,” Gerry protested softly. “You haven’t given this any thought at all.”
“I don’t need to think, Gerry. I know how I feel. I feel profoundly sorry for Dara, and for this little boy, and for you. But my life is here now.”
Gerry made a scoffing noise. “You’ve been here, what … three months?”
“About that.”
“How can you leave everything you’ve known all your life to live out here in the middle of nowhere?”
“How could you leave me for Dara?” Marina countered mildly.
“Oh, come on, Marina, it’s not like you to be vengeful. There are more important things involved than your wounded pride.”
“It’s not about my wounded pride,” Marina told him. “Perhaps last spring it was. But I’ve moved on, Gerry. I’ve changed. And I’ve fallen in love with someone else.”
“Please. You’ve known him for such a short time, how can you possibly choose him over me, over me and my little baby?” Before she could respond, Gerry bent to lay the baby in the corner of the sofa. He arranged a pillow next to the child as a safeguard.
He went down on his knees in front of Marina. He took her hands in his.
“Marina, please listen to me. I love you. I still love you. I’ve always loved you. I don’t know what got into me, and I’ll regret every day of my life that I hurt you. But I can’t regret loving Dara—because she brought Garfield to us. Don’t you see, Marina, it’s one of those crooked miracles. Dara has given us our baby.”
Marina studied her ex-husband’s earnest face. He was so very handsome. He was so very smooth.
Gently, she pulled her hands away. “What a spin doctor you are. What an ad man.”
“I’m serious, Marina. I love you. I want you. I need you, and our baby needs you. Please.” Tears welled in his eyes. “I flew all this way, Marina. I can’t go on without you. I know I’ve made a lot of mistakes, and I’m so infinitely sorry, but there is so much at stake here. We could be happy, Marina.”
Marina stood up. She moved away from Gerry. “The answer’s no, Gerry.”
He stood up, too. “You’re making a mistake. At least think about it, okay? Give me the night.”
“There’s no way I’m having sex with you.”
“I didn’t mean it that way. I mean, sleep on it. Make your decision in the morning. It’s too important to be rushed.”
Marina hugged herself with her arms and briefly closed her eyes. “All right. I’ll sleep on it.” Before Gerry could say anything else, she continued, “I’ll sleep on it up in the main house. You and your son can stay here.” She gestured to the little kitchen. “There’s plenty of food. You can make your own dinner.” She went to the door. “I’ll come back here in the morning with my decision.”
Thoughts whirling, Marina hurried across the lawn up to the house and entered by the back door. The kitchen was empty. On the chalkboard above the telephone, Abbie had scribbled a note: Babysitting till eleven. Emma had scribbled: At Millicent Bracebridge’s, home sometime tonight. Lily hadn’t written anything, but Emma knew by the empty atmosphere of the house that she was out somewhere, too.
She poured herself a drink and sank down into a chair at the kitchen table. She felt cranky for allowing Gerry to make her put off her decision. And somewhere in the midst of all her turbulent emotions, she was still shocked about Dara’s death. She needed to think about that, to mourn Dara.
“You look pensive.” Jim came in through the kitchen door. He smelled of sunshine and sawdust and his nose was burned red from working all day in the sun.
“We have visitors,” Marina told him. “Nothing to do with the girls. It’s my ex-husband, I’m afraid. Gerry and his baby.”
“What?”
“Sit down. I’ll explain.”
Jim took a beer from the refrigerator and sat at the table in the chair farthest from Marina. He frowned but listened quietly as she told him about Gerry’s surprise appearance, about Dara’s death, about the baby.
“I told him about you.” Marina leaned across the table and touched Jim’s hand. “I told him about us. I told him my life is with you now.”
“But he’s still here?”
“He’s leaving—they’re leaving—tomorrow morning. I gave him my decision, but he asked me to sleep on it, and actually, Jim, I don’t think that’s unreasonable. I think I’m just a little bit in shock about Dara’s death. And I have to admit, no one’s ever offered me a nice new baby before.” She smiled, trying to lighten the moment. When Jim didn’t smile in return, she continued, “I’m sleeping here tonight. I’m sleeping with you tonight. Gerry and the baby will be in the Playhouse.”
“Which seems strange to me,” Jim told her.
“Oh, Jim, I didn’t know what to do. It’s August. It’s after six o’clock. He has a little baby. I doubt whether he could find a room in an inn on the island, or a seat on a flight to Boston …”
“He managed to get himself here,” Jim reminded her. “I think you should admit it, Marina. You’re not one hundred percent certain that you want to be with me.” Abruptly, Jim pushed himself away from the table and headed for the door. “I’m leaving.”
Marina was so shocked, she laughed. “You’re leaving? What do you mean? Jim, this is your house.”
“I’ll sleep somewhere else tonight. I’ll sleep on the boat.”
“Wait, Jim, listen to me.” Marina stood up. “Don’t be so damned John Wayne, don’t turn up your collar and head off into the horizon like that.”
He paused with his hand on the doorknob. “What are you talking about?”
“You can’t go all quiet and manly and proud right now. I know you’re mad that I let Gerry stay, and perhaps it was the wrong decision, but everything happened so fast, and it’s all huge, Jim, it’s enormous. And you can’t just go off and leave me alone now. I’m sorry that it hurts you that even one percent of me would consider going home to be the mother of that baby, and that’s what it’s about, Jim, it’s not about Gerry, I don’t care a fig about Gerry. The important thing is that I told him I’m in love with you, that I’m going to move here to be with you, that I won’t go back with him, baby or not. Isn’t that the important thing?”
She caught her breath, watching him.
Marina crossed the room and leaned against him, wrapping her arms around him. He didn’t hug her back, but he didn’t push her away.
“Actually,” she joked, trying to lighten the moment, “I was kind of hoping you’d challenge him to a duel for me.”
Jim didn’t respond.
“Let’s go out to eat,” she suggested. “Let’s go buy cheeseburgers and French fries and watch the sun set. Then we’ll come home and go to bed, and tomorrow morning Gerry will be gone.”
Jim nodded. “Good idea.”
Marina said, “I’ll just write a note for the girls.”
54
Emma
Emma changed from her shorts and tee shirt into a pretty sundress before she walked over to the Bracebridge house. It was a funny thing to do, she supposed, since Millicent Bracebridge could scarcely see, but Emma wanted to look her best for this conversation. The older woman wanted to have a talk with her, that was all she’d said, but Emma was pretty sure Millicent wanted to hear for herself about the lightship baskets. Perhaps Millicent would ask Emma to continue working for her. She hoped so.
When she reached the Bracebridge mansion, she paused, admiring the high white building with its symmetry and elegance. It was one of the most historically important houses on the island, Emma knew, and she was fortunate to have been able to work there, even for the summer.
She went up the brick sidewalk, raised the silver door knocker, then opened the door and stepped inside, calling, as she had so many times, “Mrs. Bracebridge? It’s Emma.”
She found Millicent Bracebridge in her usual place, seated in her wheelchair by the fireplace. The older woman wore a long-sleeved dress in pale blue linen and pearls around her neck.
“Thank you for coming,” Millicent said formally. She gestured toward the table near her right hand. “Would you pour us some sherry, please?”
Emma poured the sherry into the platinum-rimmed etched glasses and handed one to Millicent, taking care that the older woman had a good grip on it before removing her own hand and settling onto the sofa across from Millicent.
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