But he didn’t. She felt the heat of his body behind her and realized he’d drawn closer.
“Please. Just go,” she managed to choke out. Hadn’t she known this would happen? That he had the power to break her heart again? The stupid thing was she’d opened herself to him, even knowing how it might end. She was equally to blame here. But that didn’t ease the pain.
“Moira.” His hand was warm on her shoulder, causing her to flinch.
“Go.” Her attempt to hold in her emotions made her shoulders shudder.
He grasped her arms and forcefully turned her around. “I can’t. Not like this.”
She put her hands over her face, unable to speak as tears slid down her cheeks.
He gathered her into his arms, holding her close as though she were precious, as though he cared. But that just made her hurt all the more.
After a long pause, he said, “Already I’m hurting you. I can’t stand to see you cry.”
She attempted to pull away, but he wouldn’t let her.
“When I returned to the country after that terrible accident, you came to see me.”
She hurt all the more to think he’d bring that up now.
“I knew then I would never be the right man for you. Along with damaging my eye, that lab accident took away any chance for me to live a normal life.”
She blinked away her tears so she could see his face, to try to understand what he was saying.
“You must know I’ve always cared for you, Moira. But you deserve so much more than me.” He released her and took a step back.
“I don’t understand.” Shivers ran down her body. She’d never felt so cold.
He ran a hand through his hair as he turned away. “I gained a terrible ability the night of the accident. One I wouldn’t wish on anyone.” He paused a long moment until she thought he’d decided not to explain. “Are you familiar with the term ‘aura’?”
She frowned, confused by another change of subject. “The light some people claim to see around others that indicates what type of person they are.” Then it dawned on her—the way he looked at her hair, but it wasn’t only her hair. He looked all about her head and shoulders. “You see auras?”
“Not just any auras. I see life. And I see death.”
Shock held her in place. “You can tell when someone is going to die?” She couldn’t keep the horror from her tone.
He flinched and retreated. “Yes, I can. Now you know why I never should have consummated our marriage, let alone agreed to your terms. It was unbelievably selfish of me.”
She realized at once he’d misunderstood. The horror she felt was at the terrible burden of living with such an ability. She moved closer, but with each step she took, he backed away as though he wouldn’t allow himself to touch her.
“I can only offer you my apology, Moira,” he said when he reached the door.
She could see how much pain the ability had caused him. It was etched into the furrow of his brow, in the set of his shoulders.
“It seems it would be best if we revert to the original terms of our marriage,” he added.
She reached out for him, but again he eased away, just out of touch. “Lucas.” Her heart hurt for him. “Such an ability does not make you a terrible person.”
“It does. To look at someone and know…”
“You saw Mrs. Smythe’s aura. That’s why you were certain I couldn’t help her.”
“Yes.”
“The aura reading is the reason you moved to Brazil? You couldn’t watch the people you cared for and wonder if…” She shuddered at the idea.
At his nod, she tried to imagine what it would be like to know her father was going to die. To watch him, wondering what would take his life, how long he had. What an impossible thing to do.
If only she could make Lucas see he was a wonderful man despite the ability. That he was perfect in so many ways. At least perfect for her.
“Life is more bearable for me there.”
“Because you’re alone.” A fresh wave of pain had her blinking away more tears. Now she understood why he felt he had to leave. And there was nothing she could do about it. No herbal remedy she could make, no words she could speak, nothing would make him hurt any less.
He held himself stiffly, making it clear he didn’t welcome her touch. She couldn’t hold him or offer him comfort if he didn’t want her. What choice did she have but to let him go?
“I will never regret marrying you, Lucas.” She wiped away her tears so she could see him clearly. “Knowing about the aura reading doesn’t change anything for me. I want you as my husband. I love you, and I always have.”
“You don’t know me anymore, so you couldn’t possibly say those words and mean them. We can no longer live as man and wife. Once we stop the professor, I’ll be returning to Brazil. Alone.” He opened the door and shut it firmly behind him.
For the second time in her life, Lucas left her heart shattered on the floor.
*
The next morning, Lucas sat completely still in the chair before the desk in Ashbury’s library, wondering if his head would ever cease pounding. He felt brittle, as though one wrong move would splinter him into a thousand pieces. He could sense the questioning looks from his friends, but there was no possible way he could explain.
“How many guards did he have with him?” Weston asked from where he stood warming his hands by the fire.
The weather had taken a turn for the worse, which suited Lucas’s mood. The damp fog had seeped into his soul. He wondered if he’d ever feel warm again.
“Six.” He’d shared the details of his conversation with the professor with both men.
“And you’re certain he reacted to your mention of Lord Tysdale?”
“Yes.”
“Do we go to the House of Lords as he suggested?” Ashbury asked. “Or is this some sort of trap?”
“We can easily check to be certain if a session is being held and who is speaking,” Weston said. “I’m inclined to go. At the very least, it will allow us the chance to see who sides with Tysdale and who does not. That could be helpful.”
“Especially since Tysdale doesn’t seem inclined to meet with us.” Ashbury leaned forward, elbows on his desk. “Berkmond, I must ask if all is well?”
“Fine.”
“Obviously that’s a lie as you’re only giving one syllable answers,” Weston said.
Lucas glared at Weston, not gracing his comment with a response.
“Is it Moira?” Ashbury asked.
Something must’ve crossed his face, for both men gave a nod of understanding.
“That explains it.” Weston took the chair next to Lucas. “What happened? Did she find out about your ability?”
“The professor mentioned it. I thought it best to tell her.”
“And? How did she take it?”
If Lucas didn’t know better, Weston’s expression appeared more curious than concerned.
“Fine.”
“Come now. Ashbury and I know better. Do you think we didn’t have a similar conversation with our wives at one point? And we can tell you it was far from easy.”
“Abigail nearly figured it out on her own, but she had more clues than Moira could’ve.” Ashbury shook his head. “I will say Abigail took it better than I expected.”
“Emma did as well.”
Lucas shifted in his chair under their scrutiny. “I hardly think your abilities have the same morbid cast mine does.”
“You are not defined by your ability,” Ashbury said. “You must remember that. Surely you don’t think less of me because I can see auras of good and evil?”
“He has a valid point,” Weston added.
“The average person might be frightened if you were to tell them of your ability, but Moira is far from average.”
Weston turned in his chair to face him. “Did you explain that it was because of the accident? Did you tell her of our abilities?”
“She knows it was from
the accident and no, I didn’t tell her of yours.”
“And?”
Lucas closed his eye. These two weren’t going to give up until he shared more. “She told me it was terrible but it didn’t matter. That she loves me and always has.”
Ashbury frowned. “Then what’s the problem?”
Lucas cursed as he jerked to his feet. “The problem is that I fear I am slowly losing my mind. I’m broken beyond repair. You of all people should understand that.”
“I feared the same,” Ashbury offered, his expression somber. “But Abigail proved me wrong.”
“You are no more broken than either of us.” Weston rose as well to catch Lucas’s arm. “Damaged, yes. Seeing auras is a damned nuisance, but you’re forgetting something.”
“What?”
“We are alive. We have been given a second chance. That is a gift I didn’t fully understand until fate returned Emma into my life.”
Lucas paused, considering Weston’s words.
“We nearly died that night,” he continued, releasing his hold on Lucas. “You especially. I’m not saying you haven’t suffered. We all have to some extent. But we are alive.”
Ashbury moved to stand before him. “I understand your particular ability is a burden far greater than ours, but if it allows you to help save one or two people’s lives then isn’t it partly a gift as well?”
Lucas put a hand to his pounding head. “I don’t know.”
“We understand what you’re going through. Maybe we haven’t experienced the misery you have, but we do understand.” Ashbury placed a hand on his shoulder. “Living with this is far from easy. Nor will it ever be. But if you can find some way to live within the limits it places on you, then maybe, just maybe, you can find happiness.”
“I hope you find a good life here in England,” Weston added. “Though I can certainly understand why Brazil would be easier. But I will tell you it helps to deal with this,” he waved a hand at his head, “ability with others who share it.”
Lucas didn’t know what to think anymore. “I will consider all you’ve said. But the highest priority at the moment is stopping Professor Grisby.” He moved to the door.
“I’ll determine what time we should arrive and advise you,” Weston called out.
Lucas paused with his hand on the doorknob and looked back at his friends. “Thank you both. I have much to consider.”
“One more thing,” Ashbury said as he rose and held Lucas’s gaze. “Do not underestimate the power of love. I think Weston and I can both attest to that. If Moira can accept who you are, that may be the greatest gift of all.”
Lucas nodded and shut the door behind him. If only he believed he was worthy of her love. Unfortunately, he knew he was not. Each dark aura he saw only seemed to confirm that, as though a small piece of him died each time. Soon he feared there’d be nothing left.
*
“Moira, forgive me for prying, but is something amiss?” Abigail sat her cup of tea on the table that afternoon.
Moira paused mid-sip, uncertain how to answer. She’d come to pick up the girls from Abigail’s as well as to have tea at her invitation. Emma was there as well.
She looked between both women, her heart heavy, unable to hide her emotions any longer.
“I knew it.” Abigail shifted to sit beside her on the settee. “I could see it on your face from the moment you arrived.”
Emma sat on the other side of Moira and put a comforting arm around her. “What is it, dear? You can tell us. You know we’ll do anything within our power to help.”
“You are both so kind.” Moira put down her tea as well. The girls were upstairs with Abigail’s sisters, so she didn’t have to worry about them overhearing. She glanced about the drawing room and lowered her voice. “We discovered one of our maids is giving the professor information, so I’ve realized I must be much more careful about what I say and where I say it.”
“Did you dismiss her on the spot?” Abigail asked.
“Lucas wants to keep an eye on her, in case he needs to use her to get to the professor, whom I met yesterday.”
“You saw him?” Emma asked, her eyes wide with surprise.
“Lucas escorted me to the museum, and your uncle appeared.”
Emma drew back, shaking her head. “I don’t claim him as my uncle anymore. He has become a stranger. Did he threaten you?”
“No. He had guards with him to ensure his own protection.”
“Probably a wise decision on his part,” Abigail said. “Berkmond would’ve throttled him otherwise.”
She shared with them most of what the professor and Lucas had discussed.
“So perhaps Professor Grisby is working with Lord Tysdale,” Abigail said.
“Wait,” Emma interrupted. “If he didn’t threaten you, may I ask what has you so upset?”
“Lucas told me of his…ability.” She glanced at both women to see their reaction, only to realize they already knew. “I’m the last to know?”
Abigail patted Moira’s knee. “Please don’t be offended. We had already guessed, because we’ve already been through this.”
“Of course. Lucas wasn’t the only person injured that night.”
Emma nodded. “Michael would tell you he has the easiest aura reading ability with which to live.”
“And what is that?” Moira asked.
“He sees success and failure.”
“Stephen sees good and evil.” Abigail shook her head. “That has caused him considerable trouble as well, but nothing like Berkmond’s. To see life and death…”
“It must be very difficult for him,” Emma added. “How could you stand to see a family member with an aura that told you they would soon die?”
“He is quite tortured by it from what little I know,” Moira said, feeling like she didn’t understand Lucas at all.
“So that is why he moved to Brazil.” Abigail picked up her tea again. “A place where he knew no one.”
“Is that why he studies botany? To see if he can find something to aid him?” Emma asked.
“I wondered the same thing,” Moira said. “We haven’t really had an opportunity to discuss it.”
“He told you and then what happened?” Abigail asked.
Moira felt a lump form in her throat once again. “I said how terrible that must be, which he took to mean that his ability was terrible. I explained, and told him that I loved him.”
“Oh, that’s lovely,” Abigail said.
“Then he said I couldn’t possibly and left.” Moira attempted to keep her composure, but the tears wouldn’t stop.
Emma gave her a hug. “Men are such idiots.”
“Who does he think he is to tell you that you don’t know your own mind?” Abigail demanded.
Their outrage on her behalf made Moira feel much better. But she still had no idea what to do.
“Perhaps it comes down to convincing him,” Emma suggested.
That made perfect sense to Moira. “But how?”
“Therein lies the challenge. Men seem to think so differently than we do.” Abigail sipped her tea as she considered the problem. “You may have to work quickly if he intends to return to Brazil soon.”
Moira’s hopes sank. She might only have a matter of days left. “Yes, I know.”
“My only suggestion would be to keep your eyes open for the possibilities. Don’t give up on him,” Emma said.
“Don’t forget the power being a woman offers you.” Abigail smiled knowingly. “The physical part of your relationship can be as important as the emotional one.”
“Excellent point,” Emma agreed.
“Thank you,” Moira said. “We shall see what the coming days bring and hope whatever happens works in my favor.”
Though she said the words lightly, she’d never been so scared. The risk before her was huge. Did she have the courage to continue to offer her heart to Lucas with the hope that one day, he’d take it?
*
Moira lay in
her bed, listening to the sound of Lucas in the next room, her heart quickening. He’d arrived home late once again. She could only assume that he, Weston, and Ashbury were plotting their upcoming visit to the House of Lords.
She heard the murmured voice of the valet, the sound of a door closing. Then nothing but silence. She knew it was silly to think Lucas would visit her, but she couldn’t seem to stop hope from welling inside her. He had obviously gone to bed. She sat up and looked but no light was visible beneath his door.
She weighed her options, wondering if she had the courage to execute the plan that had formed in her mind. Abigail had planted the idea. What better way to show her love for Lucas than to go to him?
With a deep breath, she threw off the covers and rose to light the candle on her bedside table. She glanced down at her thin nightgown, deciding it was sufficient so didn’t bother with her robe. As quietly as possible, she turned the knob on the connecting door, sighing with relief when it opened. She took it as a good sign that he hadn’t locked her out. The small circle of light cast by her candle flame was just enough to penetrate the darkness of his room.
She set the candle on the table by his bed, her gaze catching on the eye patch that lay there. The sight of it caught her breath. The fact that he always wore it, even when they were in bed together, made it feel like a barrier he kept between them. One more sign that he truly didn’t trust her.
The sight of him under the covers, turned on his side away from her, made her bite her lip with worry. His soft, even breathing suggested he’d already fallen asleep. She hesitated then drew her gown over her head and lifted the covers to slip in.
Before she could think on her actions, she slid closer to his warm body and ran her hands along his back. He sighed softly as though he liked the sensation, so she did it again then moved even closer until her breasts were pressed against his back.
Already liquid heat filled her. Want and need and love intertwined, making her even bolder. She touched his hair, rubbing his scalp, then moved down to the breadth of his shoulders, the firmness of his bicep, his narrow hips.
His breathing changed. “Moira?” His body tensed.
“Yes,” she whispered, keeping her hands moving, praying he wouldn’t demand she leave.
Secrets 03 - Shattered Secrets Page 25