by Rae, Rachel
I started to sob uncontrollably and that’s when James picked up. His voice raspy from sleep he asked, “Tinley? Are you all right?” I hadn’t told anyone about my pregnancy for fear of this happening. I was trying to make it past the first trimester. Now I understood why people waited.
“James,” I wailed, “Can yo-you c-c-come help me?”
“I’m on my way. Can you give me the address where you are?”
Somehow, I blurted it out and hung up the phone. I started packing a bag for the hospital crying the whole time. I cleaned myself as best I could and changed my clothes. The door buzzed, and I headed downstairs to see a worried James pacing back and forth across the marble lobby.
He stopped and looked me up and down when he saw me.
“What’s wrong, Tin? You’re scaring me.”
I walked out to the waiting cab that had just brought James. I sat down in the back seat and started to cry even more. I couldn’t tell him.
I told the cab driver to take us to the nearest hospital and when we arrived, James looked at me confused.
I just got out and he followed me, and he didn’t ask me anything more.
I checked myself in as James waited in the lobby for me. I walked to where he sat and took a seat in the sterile lobby chair.
I looked up at James and managed to croak out a small. “Thank you.” Before bursting into tears again.
When they called my name about thirty minutes later, James stayed where he sat and patted me on the knee as I stood up. “I’m sorry, Tin, I really am.”
He must have figured it out or heard me say it to the nurse.
I looked back at him as I walked toward the double doors to triage. “Thank you, James. For everything.”
I smiled a small smile and walked back to the room.
The nurse did some tests, and they told me that since I was only eight weeks along that there was nothing they could do. I had lost the baby.
They didn’t have to do a D&C, because they said my body was “getting rid of it” on its own. I shivered at that term. I hated my body, at that moment. My little peanut was gone, and there was nothing to stop it.
They gave me some huge pads and sent me on my way, telling me they would bill me. I really didn’t hear anything else they said. I walked out the doors and past James. I hailed a cab, and he followed me, sitting next to me as I gave the driver the address to Van’s apartment. I was in a sad, daze. I just wanted Van… and my peanut.
I lost my peanut on a Wednesday, and it was now Sunday. Van would be home in a few days for Christmas which was the following Tuesday. I hadn’t talked to him much. I hadn’t really talked to anyone.
After we arrived at the apartment, James walked me up, even though I insisted I was fine. He made sure I had everything and he even left and came back with my favorite foods he remembered from the times I had suffered from the flu while we were dating. Oreos and Milk, and summer sausage, pepper jack cheese, and crackers. He really was amazing. He kissed me on the forehead and asked me if I was all right for the millionth time, and then he left.
I didn’t leave the apartment or answer the phone for anyone but Van, and that was especially hard. He had two more huge shows to do before he came home, and I didn’t want him to bail on his band or his fans. I kept the conversation light and told him I wasn’t feeling well and that I was probably coming down with the flu or something. He would ask how the baby was and if I was taking it easy. Each time, I would stifle my crying and assure him that all was well. I hated lying to him, but I was not going to mess with his career. This was their comeback tour, and they were only half done. I didn’t want them to get bad reviews, and then later when their album dropped and they did their world tour, everyone boycott them or something.
I wanted Van home. He deserved to hear it from me. I just continued to lie in bed for the rest of the week until the day Van was scheduled to fly home. I decided I should probably shower and brush my teeth and look halfway presentable for him. I made myself get up and get ready. I was so nervous to see him. I hated to relive the past week. He needed to know, obviously, but I didn’t want to crush him. He had been so excited, and sometimes he seemed more excited than I was. My stomach was in knots. I had stopped bleeding, but the doctors told me I shouldn’t have sex for a few weeks just to make sure. I really didn’t want to, anyway. I wanted to be with Van, and I wanted to feel the passion that he made me feel constantly, but it was all still fresh, and I couldn’t even think about that right now.
Van was taking a cab from the airport and was scheduled to land at around one in the afternoon.
He had texted me and told me that they had landed and that he was heading my way. I made sure the apartment was spotless. I managed to get the blood out of the couch with a little help from my favorite pinning website, thank God. I hadn’t even noticed it was there after coming home from the hospital until I went to sit down and came out of my sad daze for a bit.
The door clicked open a while later as I lay on the couch watching Pretty in Pink.
I got up and walked over to Van. He looked so happy, and so content that I instantly broke down in tears. With a horrified look on his face, he dropped his bags and cupped my face looking me up and down and trying to figure out what the hell was wrong with me.
“Baby? Sweetness, what is it? Is the baby ok? Are you ok?”
I looked up at him through the blur of tears pouring from my eyes, and I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t tell him that I had lost it. I had failed to do the one thing a woman was supposed to do. I lost our peanut.
Taking a deep breath, I shook my head and quickly wiped my eyes and plastered on the brightest smile I could. “Sorry, hormones. I’m fine, babe. Everything is fine.”
He didn’t look like he really believed me, but he kissed my nose and then my forehead reverently as he sighed in relief.
“Ok, you’re sure?”
I nodded still wiping escaped tears. “Yep, I’m fine. I just missed you.”
He hugged me tightly, but I could tell he was still holding back so as not to crush the peanut. God, I needed to tell him. Man up, Tin. Tell the man and end this torture.
He walked me over to the couch and sat down. I laid down and placed my head in his lap as he told me about his tour and played with my hair, kissing me every so often.
I watched Pretty in Pink again, and eventually, fell asleep out of pure exhaustion from holding this enormous secret in. I woke up in Van’s bed alone. It was still dark outside, and I heard the sounds of a guitar coming from his man-cave.
I quietly opened the door to see a shirtless Van sitting in the middle of the room, facing away from me, singing and strumming the guitar. The words he sang shattered my heart even more. He was singing a slow song about bringing a baby into the world, and how his life was how he always wanted it to be. How it was perfect now and things were meant to be. I watched him play with such conviction that I knew that this would forever change us. He wanted a family. He wanted our peanut and I couldn’t give him that. Not right now anyway.
I silently walked out and back into his room and cried myself to sleep.
I wanted us to be ok, but I was scared that this was going to break us.
I woke in the morning to Van’s limbs tangling with mine, and his arm wrapped protectively around my belly.
He smiled when he heard me stir beneath him.
“Hey, Sweetness.” His voice raspy and husky from slumber made me want him and made me want to rewind a few months.
I kissed his cheek. “Hey, yourself.” I smiled.
“You feeling all right? Do you need to do your morning ritual?”
I looked at him confused. Then I remembered. My morning sickness had gone away as soon as the miscarriage had happened. Shit! Now I would have to break the news to him.
“Van, I—I—” I couldn’t do it. The love coupled with the worry on his beautiful chiseled face only hurt my heart even more.
“Actually, I feel ok this morning,” I said, la
mely. Why couldn’t I just spit it out? It wasn’t as if I had done it on purpose. They said these things just happen sometimes for no reason. Why did I feel like it was my fault, then? Why did I feel guilty?
I decided that since Christmas was in two days that I would tell him tonight. He had to go for an interview with a few media outlets, but he would be home this evening. I had to get out of here and finish shopping for everyone. I had slacked—for obvious reasons.
I kissed him quickly, and hurriedly got dressed.
“Where you going, baby?”
“Oh, I have some more shopping to do. I probably won’t be back before you leave, but I’ll see you tonight.”
I showered and threw my hair up and threw on some clothes and got out of there as fast as I could. Van stopped me before I exited the apartment.
“I love you,” he said, as he looked me up and down salaciously.
Don’t say it, please don’t say it.
“Be careful, please. And take care of my baby.” He smiled as I quickly threw him a “Love you, too,” and got the hell out of there. God, I had to tell him tonight.
I just hoped this didn’t put a huge cloud over our Christmas. I just got out from under one, sort of...
I took a cab into Manhattan and walked around and grabbed some gifts from several different little shops. I made sure to get one for all the girls. I got Mom and Steve some gifts for when they visited for New Years. I even grabbed a small present for James. He had been so sweet and kind to me after everything, so I wanted to show him my appreciation.
When I got back to Van’s apartment, he was gone as I suspected he would be. I wrapped all the gifts, and then I showered and fixed my hair and put on some makeup. I paced the apartment and then the intercom buzzed. It was James.
What was James doing here?
I buzzed him up and unlocked the door as I waited for him to make his way up.
A soft knock on the door alerted me to his arrival.
I opened the door to see James, looking as sexy as ever wearing his signature jeans, graphic tee, and a pea coat. My heart started to flutter unexpectedly, and inwardly, I chastised myself for being an idiot. James and I had a history, and after all I had been through lately, I filed it away as me being lonely and hormonal.
He looked at me timidly with a smile, and then he spoke, his voice gruff, “Hey, Tin, I was just checking on you. I hadn’t heard from you, and I wanted to make sure you were ok.”
He always was such a caring guy.
“Hey, James. Come in, please. I’m fine.” I smiled as I ushered him inside Van’s penthouse.
I led him to sit down at the bar in the kitchen. It was awkwardly quiet. I could feel his penetrating stare upon me as I made my way to the fridge to get out some creamer for the coffee.
I turned back around, and he was watching me intently, looking troubled.
“Want some?” I asked motioning toward the Keurig coffee maker.
“Sure.” He smiled. I made the coffee—his black and mine loaded with hazelnut creamer. I walked back to the bar to sit down next to him. I handed him the clear coffee mug that matched mine and took a sip of my own.
His proximity allowed me to smell the scent that was only James. It brought back so many memories of nights, and of mornings doing just this.
He took a small sip of the steaming black liquid and then turned to me. “Tinley, how are you? Are you feeling ok after… after everything?”
I sighed and took another sip. “I’m doing all right. I’m dealing with it. The pregnancy was obviously unexpected, but I was so excited and Van—Van was ecstatic.”
He nodded and took another sip.
“Is he back from the tour yet?” he asked inquisitively
“Yeah, he just got back last night. I was actually going to tell him about everything tonight.”
He leaned in close and brushed some stray hairs out of my eyes. His hand trailed down my face caressing, and he placed a hand on my knee. It seemed friendly, but then it seemed like a little more than it should have been.
“You still haven’t told him, Tin? Why the hell not? He needs to know.”
“Tell me what exactly?” I jumped as Van’s stern voice echoed through the penthouse. It was so quiet you could hear a pin drop. James immediately removed his hand from my leg.
I hadn’t heard him come in. I looked over to the front door where he stood looking like he stepped out of a damn GQ magazine with his perfectly messy hair spiked up and wearing a brown leather jacket, white V-neck tee and his jeans that hugged him just right. Damn, he was yummy. He also looked extremely furious as his eyes darted from James and back to me. He was seething and even from across the room I could see his chest moving up and down while he breathed angrily.
“Van—”
“Don’t!” He cut me off as he briskly walked toward us.
He stepped up to the counter and got close enough to James that I thought he would punch him.
He spoke menacingly soft as he looked at him. “Who. The. Fuck. Are. You?” He fumed.
James, never one to back down from a fight, especially when he wasn’t in the wrong, stood up, standing toe to toe with Van. “James Townsen.” He stared Van directly in the eyes.
This revelation made Van take a step back. He shook his head in disbelief and looked over at me.
“James? As in the fucker who left you, James?”
“Yes, but Van, it’s not—”
“The fuck it’s not!” He roared cutting me off again. He then turned back to James who was looking ready to defend himself if need be. Ok, this was getting bad. I moved in between them and turned my body to Van. I cupped his cheeks and made him look at me. It took him a few seconds before he turned his angry stare from James and down to me.
“Van. It isn’t what it looks like.”
He laughed angrily “Really, Tinley? If it’s not what it looks like, then what is it? Because it sure as hell looks like your ex-boyfriend, who fucked you over royally, in case you forgot, is sitting in my apartment with my pregnant girlfriend touching her and talking about telling me something. So what the fuck is it, then?”
God, I had never seen him angry at me. He was kind of scary. I knew he would never hurt me, but that didn’t stop my voice from shaking as I started to speak. Here goes nothing.
“Van, James came back opening night of my play.” He looked like he was about to lose his shit so I hurriedly tried to get the next sentence out. “He tried to get me back, but I told him I was happy with you, so he left me alone, and we hadn’t spoken since. Until last week. I didn’t think it was important, because I wasn’t going to see him again. I didn’t want him, I want you, Van.” I didn’t dare mention the kiss we shared the night he came back. It wasn’t important. Van was who I wanted, not James.
“Last week?” Van asked, annoyed.
Oh, Shit. Here we go.
“Yes, last week. Van, last week, I started bleeding, and it was late and no one else was here, so I called James to help me. Van, I—I lost— I lost the baby.” I dropped my head and started sobbing.
It felt like a weight was lifted off me. I finally told him about losing our peanut.
I brushed the river of tears from my eyes and looked up at him expecting him to look sorry and for him to comfort me. What I got was totally unexpected.
He looked at me and then to James, who had moved a few feet back trying to exit the apartment and give us some space and privacy. The door closed behind James as he left, but my eyes never left Van’s. They were cold, and uncompromising. All the love that I had seen just a few hours before was completely gone.
“You expect me to believe that? Your old boyfriend who you claimed ruined you, comes back, you get pregnant with a baby, let me believe it’s mine, and then kill it so you can run off with him and leave me? That’s what really happened right, Tin? You killed my baby, so you could go back to him.”
Wait. What the fuck? How the hell had he jumped to that ridiculous conclusion.
&n
bsp; “Van—“”
“Tinley, don’t. You wait a week to tell me about this. I come home, and you let me go on as if that baby was still growing inside you. You straight out lied to my face this morning, and now you expect what? Sympathy? Just get out. Please just leave,” he said brokenly.
I stared at him in shock. “Van, are you serious? That is NOT what happened! I would NEVER ever do that! Ever! Please don’t do this, Van. Please don’t shut me out. I lost our baby, Van. I was so devastated, and I didn’t tell you because I knew you had a job to do, and I didn’t want to fuck that up for you. James just helped me that night. I haven’t seen him since then. Tonight was the first time. I would never do that to you,” I said frantically.
He didn’t look at me as he walked to the elevator. “Please. Just go, Tinley. Just go.” He hung his head as he got in the elevator, and I saw him wipe his eyes as the car lifted to the second floor.
What in the world just happened? He thought I would abort our baby and leave him for James. Was he fucking crazy?
I thought about going upstairs to yell at him and make him believe me, but I realized the way he looked at me with such disgust and sorrow that nothing I said would change what he thought. He had already formed an opinion the moment I spoke. I couldn’t believe he would end things and not even try to listen to me. Two days before Christmas, and he was leaving me. Like they all did. None of this was my fault. Yes, maybe I was wrong in not telling him about James and not telling him about the miscarriage as soon as it happened, but I was protecting him. I had no plans to go back to James. I didn’t want James. I should have told him about losing the baby sooner, but he was on tour playing the two biggest shows of the year, and I didn’t want to mess that up for him. Of course, I wanted him home to comfort me and tell me it was all going to be all right. That we would get through this together. Maybe it was stupid, but I was trying to be unselfish. I wanted to tell him when he came home, but he was so excited, and I just wanted him to look at me and smile the way he had done since I told him I was pregnant. I just wanted to rewind time.