by Rae, Rachel
I knew it wasn’t fair, but how could I tell James after all that we’d been through? How did everything get so mixed up?
Sloan started telling us about Van and how everything was going now that he was home safe. She told us their parents had hired a butler for him, and they had stepped up security hiring two body guards that Mr. Whitaker insisted be with Van at all times. She said she knew he was going to go stir crazy with all these people watching him and not being able to leave. The doctors had advised him to stay in bed for a few weeks, and then they would talk to the label about going back on tour. She said that the boys were there keeping him company.
“How’s Jensen?” Tatum blurted out.
Jensen? Why did she care about Jensen?
Sloan smiled. Wait a minute. Tatum and Jensen? He was the one she went all domestic for?
And that little hussy didn’t tell me?
I slapped her arm across the table.
“You and Jensen? You slut! Why didn’t you tell me?” I laughed.
“I don’t know. I wanted to keep it a secret. It was new and exciting, and you know, I don’t do relationships. Well we aren’t seeing each other anymore.”
“Why not?”
“Because, Tin, he’s the relationship type and I’m not. It was mind-blowing sex, and that’s all I wanted. I’ll admit that he made me giddy for a little bit. Just a little.” She squeezed her forefinger and thumb close together for emphasis. “But he’s got the band, and I have tons of shoots coming up. I don’t have time for that.”
She looked a little regretful, and I knew there was more to it, but I let it go because she was acting so nonchalant about it.
We had a great dinner. Sloan filled us in on her new beau. He was on Wall Street and things were getting pretty serious. Oh, Sloan, the hopeless romantic. She was the girl men were scared of. She was the marrying kind, and she made no excuse for her wanting to settle down and have babies. Even as a ballerina, she wanted domesticity.
It made my heart pang even more thinking she was a lot like her big brother. They just wanted that family they never had. They wanted the simple things most people take for granted. A home, a forever companion, and that perfect little family. I tried not to think about how I almost had that with Van. I wondered where we would be if I hadn’t lost the baby. I would roughly be over halfway through my pregnancy, and we would know the sex of the baby. I was sure Van would have been rubbing my belly every night and singing to our little miracle. Talking about how we met and how much we loved each other. Playing rock music for him or her and quoting movies with me to the baby. I pictured the guest room in his penthouse all decorated in pink and fit for a pretty princess. I guess I was secretly hoping for a girl. My peanut. I tried to put that to the back of my mind, but every once in a while, it forced its way to the front, and I had to play the what-if game in my mind just to make myself miserable. It just wasn’t the right time for me to be a mother.
I used to imagine being a mother and living in a house in the suburbs with James, but now for some reason, I could never picture him as the father of my children. Something about it just didn’t feel right anymore. The man who I pictured registering at the store for baby items and reading “What to Expect when you’re expecting” with was always Van. Always. I envisioned him singing to our newborn as he rocked the baby to sleep in his muscular arms always making them feel safe and protected. I shook the thoughts from my mind and we paid the bill.
Sloan hugged me and whispered in my ear as we were leaving, “He really loves you, Tin. Please don’t give up on him.” I smiled, and Tatum and I headed back to the apartment.
We walked into the apartment and found James sitting on the couch. I hadn’t told Tatum about what Van had said about being unable to contact me, because I didn’t want her to hate James, and start being a bitch to him even more. She already wasn’t a fan of him.
She went to her room, and I sat down next to James as he was watching Sports Center on TV. He half acknowledged me and took a drink of his scotch.
“James, I need to talk to you.”
“Hmm?” He wasn’t even listening to me.
“James!”
“What?” he groaned.
“I. Need. To. Talk. To. You! Gosh, really? Can you listen to me?”
“What, Tin? I’m watching TV. What’s so important?”
Already annoyed at the fact that he wasn’t Van, and now he wasn’t giving a shit about anything I was saying, I stormed out of the room in my typical Tinley fashion. “Just forget it, James. Fucking never mind.” I slammed the door to my bedroom, but not before it slammed him in the face. Ooops. I didn’t know he’d actually gotten off his ass to come fight with me. I was ready for one of our James vs. Tinley fights. He never backed down, and usually, didn’t admit that he was a complete asshole, which, by now, he should know.
He jerked the door open. “What the hell, babe? Why are you so pissed off?”
I stood there with my arms crossed just wanting to scream.
“I have a question for you, James.”
“Ok,” he said kind of wearily. “Shoot.”
“Did you or did you not block Van’s calls and emails from me?”
“Did. Is that all?”
I stood there gaping at him. “WHY the FUCK would you do that?”
“Because he’s a fucking douche bag, and he doesn’t deserve to talk to you.”
“Are you fucking kidding me? And what about the gift and the flowers he sent me on opening night?”
“Yep, sent that shit back to him, too.” He started to get red faced and his breathing started picking up which was classic James when he was getting super pissed off. “Who does he think he is, anyway? He was the one who had you and fucking left you. He fucked that up. Did you think I was just going to sit there and watch him try and swindle his way back into your arms again?” He started striding closer to me until we were nose to nose. “I knew it was only a matter of time before you came back to me, anyway. I wasn’t about to let that fucking dumbass screw it all up.” He tried to kiss me and I pushed him away.
“What the fuck is wrong with you, James?”
He walked toward me again. “Nothing is wrong with me. I just don’t like when people fuck with what’s mine!”
“Yours? You don’t own me, James. You never did.” I turned around and sat down on the bed wondering who the fuck this man was standing in front of me.
He scoffed and walked closer to me. He leaned into my back and moved the hair from the back of my neck planting small kisses there.
“Oh, I own you, Tin. I always have. You own me, too. Don’t you see that? We are forever. You and me.”
“I don’t know what has gotten into you, but I don’t like this possessive shit, James. I’m not going to stand here and let you tell me what to do, and when to do it.”
I turned around and pushed him back away from me a little bit.
“Do you not see what you did by doing all that?”
“What did I do, Tinley? Besides make it clear that you are MINE?
I was so angry at him at that point all I could do was shake my head in disgust.
“You don’t get it, do you? You took away my choice. You took that away from me. So I may be yours, but it’s only by default. It isn’t fair. You had no right to make that choice. We weren’t even together then when you blocked his calls and emails. When exactly did you do that?”
“Tinley, I’m sorry. I knew you would come back to me. I just didn’t want anyone standing in the way. I did it on Christmas,” he said sheepishly.
I still couldn’t look at him. I was so furious with him. Things would probably be a lot different had I heard from Van after that night at the club, and I didn’t know if I would be able to forgive him for keeping that from me. I was no one’s pawn to play with. I was all about things happening organically, and since James had forced Van out of the picture, I wasn’t sure this whole thing with him was actually that.
“I think it’s best
if you go home to your apartment tonight. I need some space.”
He sunk to his knees in front of me and grasped my hands in his, looking me in the eye.
“Tin, baby, please don’t be mad at me. I did it for us. I couldn’t stand not being with you. We just lost so much time, and I just wanted you back. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done that. Please forgive me.”
“James, I’m not the same weak timid Tinley that I was when you left, and I think that you think we’re going to be the same, but the truth is, we’re different now. I need some space from you. I just—I don’t know what to think about it all now.”
He looked panic-stricken for a moment. “You’re still going to marry me, right? Baby, please don’t do this.”
“James, just please go home. I need time to myself.”
He got up and walked toward the door. Looking back at me, he smiled a small smile. “I truly am sorry, Tin. I just love you so much. I was scared I would lose you again.”
I gave him a small smile back. “I love you, too, James. Please believe that.”
He nodded and walked out of the room and out of the apartment.
I needed to think. I grabbed my keys and purse and walked out of apartment. I sent Tatum a text to let her know I was going out.
It was after nine p.m. when I got to the bakery off Columbus Ave. It had become my favorite.
I grabbed a hot chocolate and a red velvet cupcake, and I went to the park to sit down. My mother would have been so disappointed in my choice to go to the park after dark, and I was a little surprised at myself for doing it, too—especially after my obsession with crime shows on the ID channel, but it was pretty well lit and there were lots of people walking about, so I felt safe. I sat down on the bench and smiled to myself when I remembered the last time I had come to this spot. I had made a complete fool of myself in front of America’s Rock God, Van Whitaker. I chuckled to myself and took a bite of my cupcake and pulled my coat around me tighter. It was very cold out for the beginning of March. In Texas, we would already be swimming.
I felt like I had been in a movie or one of my books. Nothing seemed real as I recalled the past six months. My career was taking off. I had emailed the talent agent back and had an appointment with her the following week. She said I was a promising talent, and she looked forward to working with me, which totally made me fangirl. My job was going great as Sal was such a great, understanding boss, and I knew no matter what, he would always support me and help me.
Which brought me to the fork in the road.
James and Van. I could forgive James. I could see why he would be selfish considering we lost each other to circumstances that were out of our hands. I was still angry with him, but I forgave him. He was only human, after all. The real question I needed to ask myself was, could I be forever happy and live with James with no regrets? Would I always wonder what could have been? Would I eventually realize that what Van and I had was just some fantasy? Was I just thinking things were better with Van, because it was new and exciting, and James and I were comfortable? But that wasn’t the case. Van and I weren’t just some fairytale. I believed we were real. No one ever had the affect on me that Van had. No one cared for me the way he did. Not even James. I also couldn’t ignore the tie that would always be there with Van, our peanut and myself. Even though we never got the chance to see him or her born and raise the baby together, we were a family in a sense. That bond, as un-normal and crazy as things had been after I lost it, was unbreakable. It was unmistakable, and it was raw and real. I didn’t want to hurt James, but I was so tangled up with these feelings.
I finished my cupcake and hot chocolate sitting there feeling even more confused than when I got there. It was getting late, and the snow was beginning to fall, and my paranoia was also setting in, so I got up to head back home. The snow started to fall heavily around me, but as I headed toward the entrance I came from, I heard the strumming of a guitar in the distance. My heart started beating loudly in hopes that it was who I thought it might be.
No, it couldn’t be. Could it?
He was at home in bed. Curious, I followed the sounds to a beautiful song I hadn’t heard before. The guitar strumming the chords beautifully, and then a low, deep almost tortured voice accompanied the strings, and it was unmistakable. I got closer, and even though it was dark, I knew he was in the same exact spot as the first day I’d laid eyes on him. His silhouette sat by the tree, and he started singing along and since I was close enough, I could hear every word. The song was absolutely heartbreaking and absolutely beautiful. He sang it with a conviction that one could only do when they’ve been touched by it personally. I watched him, teary-eyed, as he sang the chorus softly. The song was about a guy losing a girl. How he was a disaster without her and died when she went away. He was asking her to stay with him, and take her with him if she left. It was the most breathtaking song I’d ever heard in my life. I started to sob like an idiot, which broke his concentration as he strummed the guitar. He immediately jumped up and left his guitar on the ground as he walked slowly toward me, the small light from the lamppost revealing his face.
“Sweetness?” He sounded so broken, and he looked so pale considering all he’d been through the past two weeks.
I hadn’t expected to see him and seeing as how I was still a mixed up ball of confusion, I knew I couldn’t handle this right now. Especially not after the melody, that I knew was about the two of us.
He stepped toward me and ever so slightly brushed his lips with mine as his hands dove into my hair gently.
He kissed me, and then the kiss grew urgent and more intense.
I pulled back and felt like crap for doing so.
“I’m sorry. I—I can’t do this, Van. I don’t know which way is up. Everything is so messed up, and I don’t want to hurt you, but I love him, too. He was my first boyfriend, my first love, my first everything, and the second he came back into my life, I—I just, I'm lost, Van.”
“Tinley, I'm not going to make you choose, because if you have to decide who to choose, then you don’t feel for me what I feel for you. And that fucking breaks me. I'm a disaster when you're not here, Sweetness. I'm nothing without you, but I don’t want to be someone you had to make a choice for—you either know who you want, or you don’t. It's that simple. From the moment I saw you, Tinley, right here in this very spot, I knew that I would do whatever it took to make you happy. Your happiness and joy are all I have ever wanted. Just to see that breathtaking smile and to know that I put it there, well that just makes everything else fade away. You're all that I want. You are truly my ever after. You're my everything, and as much as it will ruin me, I will walk away from you, baby. I truly wish you nothing, but the best. And I swear on everything that I am, that I mean that. And if I see you, years from now with that smile so big and bright it could light up an entire fucking arena, I'll know you're happy, and that you are where you should be. I will miss you. Every. Fucking. Piece of you. But I won’t be a decision you have to make.”
He leaned into me, his forehead touching mine. He breathed softly, and as I looked up at him, I could see the unshed tears in his eyes. I could see the undeniable love and adoration in them, and suddenly, I knew. I never felt for James what I did for Van. Van was the force I couldn’t stay away from. He was real, and he was in as deep as I was. I could close my eyes and trace the lines of his every feature, and I knew what he was thinking even when he didn’t, and he was the same way with me. He always knew what to say when I was hurting, and here he was, so unselfish and just wanting me to be happy. He was perfect. He was my ever after, and I wanted nothing in that moment, but a life with him. The crazy, the chaos, the arguments, and the passion. I wanted it all. I wanted Van.
His closed his eyes and sighed brokenly. A few people were walking past us in the park, but the only thing I could see was my Van. I gently brushed his hair from his eyes just as a single tear streamed down his face. I placed my lips to it and kissed it away, feeling like the biggest jerk
ever for making him feel so damaged. He only ever showed this emotion to me. My lips kissed from his cheekbone down to his chin and over to the other side where several more tears streaked his chiseled face. I looked up at him, and my heart shattered. Van had given me a piece of himself that he'd only ever given to one other person who had eventually destroyed it. I wanted him to know I was here, and I wanted him. He wasn’t a choice, because he was right, there was no question. He was it.
“Look at me, Van.” He opened his eyes, and the hurt I had placed in them was immeasurable.
Now my tears were pouring, and I couldn’t contain the sobs that racked my voice.
“Van, I'm sorry. I don’t want you to be a decision, either. That’s why I know you're it. You're the only one who knows me, truly knows me. It’s been you, Van. From the moment I saw you strumming that guitar, singing right here, I knew my life would never be the same. I love you. So much, Van. I want you.”
His face still shining with tears, he smiled that panty-dropping smile that could melt the heavy snow that was falling all around us, and then he grabbed the back of my neck and pulled me roughly against him, kissing my lips with all the commitment he had just promised. I moaned and his tongue slipped in to roughly tangle with mine. I grabbed the lapels of his jacket. I just wanted him closer. I wanted every fiber of my being to somehow intertwine and mold with his, so we would really be together. He bit my lip and then grabbed the back of my knees and lifted me up to straddle him as he walked. He winced a bit in pain seeing as how he was recovering from a gun shot wound and a major surgery. But he sucked it up, and I let him.
I laughed. “Where are you taking me, Mr. Whitaker?”
“Home.” His voice was husky, and I knew we would never be the same after today.
We weren't ripping the page out this time. We were just starting a whole new chapter.