I whispered, "I love him."
She looked at me and nodded. "I know."
"I wouldn't have…"
"I know, Rayray. It's why you did what you did. I know."
I glanced at my hands and saw they were white. They were trembling. It was like no blood flowed through me. For a moment, I wondered if I should be concerned and then I looked at Viola and saw the same paleness in her.
When a door shut downstairs, Viola sighed, exhausted. "I should make some supper. I think your granddad must be getting hungry. I'm sorry about you and Brady. I'm sorry that I can't give you the answers you need. Your momma might've been the Godly woman, but I'm a believer too. Things always seem to work out."
When she stood, I felt my grandmother touch my shoulder. She pulled me close for a hug and whispered into my neck, "Things always seem to work out. Good comes out. It always does. It always wins."
I was numb in my grandmother's arms. I didn't know if good would win this time. I didn't feel it.
CHAPTER TWENTY
When I woke up the next morning, I sat on the edge of my bed and stared at the wall. My world had been turned upside and given another shake to make sure nothing was hidden away. I was a waste of space.
Brady might've been my brother. I had sex with him twice. I might even have sex with him again. When I acknowledged that shameful secret, I closed my eyes tightly and felt the sobs store up inside. It was worse than a forbidden love. Those people were kept away by feuding families, maybe even physical space. Their barriers could be torn down. But this…sharing blood…nothing could tear that down. It was the surest way to drive my best friend away from me.
But I drew in a shuddering breath and opened my eyes. I needed to focus so I took inventory from the mirror. My eyes were swollen from tears. My cheeks were splotchy. My hair was a mess, half of it held up in a ponytail. My skin was pale, the same shade of my shirt I'd thrown on the night before.
I hadn't cared about sleeping. I hadn't really slept. I knew I wasn't alone. Viola paced the floorboards. I hadn't heard any snoring so I figured my grandpa had been awake too. I wondered if he'd just watched Viola throughout the night.
There was a soft knock on my door and Neil spoke through it, "If you're ready, I can give you a ride to school."
It was my last day. I croaked back, "Okay. Be down in a few."
When he walked away, I closed my eyes and bent forward. My forehead rested on my knees and I needed one more of those deep breaths. How was I going to get through the day? How was I going to get through anything anymore?
"Rayna." Viola knocked next. When I didn't respond, she poked her head in and sighed. "I have breakfast ready…"
"Not hungry."
"Coffee?"
"Sure."
"Okay." She attempted a smile, but it came out looking painful. "I'll get that ready for you."
When she closed the door, I stood. I needed to start somewhere. My body ached so I focused on one thing at a time. Everything else buzzed around in my head. I didn't know what I chose to wear that day. I didn't care, but I must've passed the "you don't look crazy" test when Viola didn't blink an eye as she handed my coffee over. My grandfather didn't comment either. In fact, he didn't comment about anything until we got to school. "Have a good day. If you want to…go out or something, that'd be alright with your grandmother and me."
I looked at him in surprise.
"I mean it's your last day, Rayna. You should have some fun today. Forget everything else and make some memories today. That's what your grandmother always said, still says. She likes to make memories. Says they're good to tell around a night of family."
"What family?" I couldn't help asking.
"Rayna."
"Sorry." With my coffee in hand, I bid farewell before heading inside with an empty bag to my chest and the determination to ignore all the peering eyes. What did they care? Did they know? It was like they knew my secret. Brady didn't even know.
As I shouldered around a group of giggling freshmen, I swallowed painfully. I didn't know if I wanted him to know or not. How would he react? Probably with violence, but I wasn't sure beyond that.
Then I looked up as I neared my locker and my throat closed off. Brady was lounging against my locker. I froze in the hallway. I didn't care that students grumbled as they bumped into me. When I didn't move, they flowed around me. I couldn't look away. Brady was at my locker, just a few feet away from me, but he was talking to Matt Krone and Clarissa. All three of them were laughing, looking like the gods and goddess that could've reigned over us all.
Dressed in faded blue jeans and a white shirt, Brady looked confident and dangerous. His blonde hair was gelled slightly and the tribal tattoo peaked out from underneath his sleeve. Clarissa was his twin with her own simple white tank top and a blue jean miniskirt. Her hair had been pulled back into a high French braid that as she laughed, she twisted around and the braid smacked Matt Krone in the face. The golden giant grimaced and caught the hair. Clarissa laughed harder and leaned into him. Her hand fell on his chest for balance.
Brady watched it looking sombre. And I watched him. Instead of jealousy or even annoyance, I was surprised to see a slight flash of regret. But what did he regret? Choosing me over her? Was he rethinking all of it? Is that what he wanted to tell me when he came over?
Then I realized how crazy I was becoming. It didn't matter. Nothing mattered because at that moment, I didn't even know if I could handle being his friend. I caught my breath when Brady started to turn his head. His eyes started to sweep the hallway and it was a matter of seconds before he saw me. I couldn't talk to him so I took the coward's way out and ducked behind the group of giggling freshmen to sneak away.
The library was within reach. But when I reached for the door handle, Brady spoke behind me, "Hi, Rayna."
Everything stopped in that moment. My heart. My breath. My mind. It all stopped until he added, "Can you turn around? It's humiliating enough to have to come to my old school to talk to my best friend because I know she'll avoid me if I don't."
I looked down. "We shouldn't talk here."
"You threw me out last night. I…listen, I know you think that I was taking back things, but it wasn't the case. I was just—"
I couldn't hear how he felt about me, not when he didn't know. It wasn't fair to him or to me. "Stop! Please. Please stop."
"Look at me," Brady demanded.
I did, but I looked past his shoulder. Clarissa stood in the hallway beside her locker now. She stood still as she watched us. When she saw I was looking at her, she tried to smile at me, but I couldn't take it. Who was she to give me sympathy? She wanted Brady until yesterday. People don't change, not really. She wasn't really my friend.
I knew what I had to do. So I closed my eyes and braced myself. "You should be with Clarissa. You should be with someone who can be there for you."
"Come on. Don't be dramatic," Brady tried to soothe, but I stopped him again when I stepped backwards. That's when something snapped in him. I saw it in his eyes. He looked even more determined, almost fierce, as he grabbed my arm. "I was going to tell you last night that I was worried about how people might handle us. I was worried about how YOU'D handle it if we were together. Last night I was just rethinking things, worrying about you not me. Do I want to be with you? Haven't I already proven that? Then last night you go crazy. You start yelling. Your grandma is almost pushing me out the door. What are you doing to me? I know that I should be calmer, but I can't take this anymore. I feel like I'm going crazy, Rayna."
I couldn't hear what else he had to say. I'd already almost convinced myself that he didn't care and now he was saying he did. I felt tears on my face. "Stop. Please. Stop."
"What? What? Why do you want me to stop? Decide what you want! Do you want me or not?"
Clarissa dropped her book and I jumped. Brady cursed. "Rayna!"
He ran an irate hand through his hair and I saw the anger in him. The problem was that I couldn't figure out
what he was angry about. There was a time not many days ago where I would've spent hours agonizing and thinking about why Brady was angry. But this time I could barely handle my own emotions, much less figure out his.
I looked away. "I don't want you."
I clasped my bag to my chest and my lip trembled. Every nerve was stretched thin.
"If you don't want me, then I'm gone. Screw this." His voice was quiet, but rage came off him in waves.
I gasped for breath and looked now.
As Brady marched away, he brushed past Clarissa and I wondered if he even knew she was there. He shoved open the doors a second later and they slammed shut a second later.
My heart was ripped out. He'd dragged it behind him in the hallway.
"Hey….Rayna…hey."
It took another prodding before I realized Clarissa was in front of me. "Huh?"
"What was that about?"
I couldn't focus. I couldn't…Brady just left me.
"Are you okay?"
"I…I don't know."
Brady wasn't going to change his mind now.
Slowly, I turned and pushed open the library doors. They closed behind me with a soft swoosh, but I didn't hear them. I didn't hear anyone or notice anything. I slid numbly into a seat and sat there for the next hour, staring straight ahead.
When I heard the bell ring, I got up and went somewhere else. I sat there until the next bell rang. Sometime later I found myself in the hallway with books clutched against my chest. I stared blankly into an empty hallway. Some part of my brain knew the bell had rung again, but I wasn't sure how long ago it was. I didn't know what time it was.
"Rayna?"
Kid stood there in a black polo shirt over trendy sport shorts. He raked a hand through his brown locks. "Are you okay?"
"Yeah. Why?" I tried for normal. Maybe he'd buy it.
He frowned and scratched at his jaw. "Because you're standing in the middle of the hallway and school's done."
"Oh."
"Everyone's gone." He tilted his head to the side and studied me further. "And I mean everyone, like…I even think the janitor is gone. What's up with you?"
What was up with me? Wasn't that the question of my life? I lied with forced cheerfulness, "It's the last day of school. Can you believe it, Kid? I'm done here. I'm done…" with so much more.
Kid cursed and jerked me towards the parking lot. "What is wrong with you? You look like a zombie, like you're in a coma or something. What happened?"
I mumbled, "I don't remember you being so bossy."
After he pushed me into his car, Kid grumbled when he got in on his own side, "You're right. Brady's the a-hole of us. I'm the nice guy, but you're driving me crazy. You're both driving me crazy. I can't take this anymore!"
That's when I started crying.
"Oh god…," Kid groaned. "I don't know what to say now. Come on, Ray. Stop. Don't cry."
I cried harder and folded my head into my hands.
"Seriously." Kid cursed. "I'm screwing this up right now. I don't know what to say to you anymore. Is this about Brady? The school?"
"Not helping," I hiccupped between sobs.
Kid swore again as he fell back against his seat. "You're too much Brady's. I just…you were still Rayna from before. I knew you, but now there's too much Brady over you. I don't know what to say to you anymore. I used to know. What would he say?"
What would Brady say? He'd say screw whoever was the problem.
"Hell," Kid sighed as he held onto the steering wheel. "Brady would say something like 'forget them' or worse. I can't do that, Rayna. I don't know what the problem is. Should I call Brady?"
I started sobbing again.
"Stop crying! Please!"
I hiccupped and wiped the snot from my nose. Then I looked at Kid probably for the first real time since he brought me to his car. I saw some sort of struggle within him. And I was tired of the lies. I'd just started lying, but I was already done with it. So I asked, "If you knew you had a brother, what would you do?"
I listened with every part of my soul.
He drew a breath in. "I would…I don't know. Maybe that's my problem."
From the fear in his voice, I saw a Kid that I'd never seen before. He'd always been so larger than life before. Confident. Charming. Good looking. Smart. He'd been smooth when Brady had been rough. Kid had known what to say when Brady chose to fight, but then things changed. Brady became smart. He started to know what to say while Kid had started to flounder. Still, Kid always had his composure, but not now. This time I saw a little boy sitting beside me, uncertain.
Then I risked it. "I know that Brady is your brother."
CHAPTER TWENTY ONE
Kid stared at me and then his body slumped down. "Finally."
"Finally?" I croaked.
"Finally someone else knows."
"You knew?" Now so much made sense. I sat up straight. "Is that why you came back? Is this what you two were fighting about before?" And much more importantly, did Brady already know?
Dazed, Kid shook his head. "No. I mean, yes. I came back because I found out Brady was my brother, but no, Brady doesn't know. I don't know what he'd do if he did."
"I'm confused."
Kid faced me. "Brady thinks I came back to be with you. It's why we fought that first time. It's mostly my fault. I always knew he was in love with you. I meant to come back here to tell him about our dad, but when I saw him that night, I got so angry. He's like my father in some ways and I wanted to hurt him."
"Why would you do that? It's not Brady's fault that your dad is a whore," I snapped.
Kid commented, "I am aware of that. Thank you, Rayna. I went to that party, but I didn't know if I'd see Brady or not. I had every intention of finding him the next day, but there he was. When he saw me, I knew he was pissed. He was threatened because the last time he saw me, I told him that I wanted to take you out on a date. Brady doesn't forget anything. He's like a woman that way. I wanted to hurt my father, but my dad wasn't in front of me. Brady was. So…" He took a deep breath. "I might have said some things to push him over the edge."
"What did you say?" I was on the edge of my seat. Literally.
"I'm stupid."
"Kid!"
"I asked him if you were still single because you were pretty easy on the eyes before. Then I might've said something about how easy you could be in bed."
My hand flew up and I slapped him. Then I thought about it some more and slapped him again.
Kid cupped his cheek. "I deserved that and I realize Brady would've pounded me even if he wasn't in love with you."
"You're the asshole. Not Brady," I seethed and folded my arms over my chest. "I thought you were the good guy. I thought you were always so nice. You disappointed me. You just reminded me that you're male."
Kid chuckled. "You make that sound like an insult."
"It is," I snapped. "I cannot believe you. You were always the smart one. You were the one who did the right thing even when you didn't want to. Then you said those awful things about me? I don't even care that they're not true. I don't care that you said them about me because they don't hurt me. They hurt Brady. They hurt him."
"That's what I wanted."
"Congratulations. Your father hurt you, so you hurt someone else. Way to think only about yourself. I am so tired of everyone thinking about themselves. No one thinks about the rest of us, the ones who are the secrets. Don't you think that our lives are going to be affected too? That we're going to be hurt just as much, probably more so? NO. No one thinks of us."
He relented, "I didn't think about Brady. You're right. My dad kept this other kid a secret from me. Do you know what that's like? To find out that you have a brother? Or that your own father had been lying to you all your life?"
"No," I replied dryly. "I have no idea what that's like."
He continued without pausing, "I knew my dad was a liar and a cheat, but I didn't think he treated me like them. I was his son. I thought he love
d me. And he's probably got more kids out there."
"Newsflash: your dad isn't nice."
He stiffened next to me. "I get you're mad, but back off a little. He's still my father. And he hasn't had it so easy lately. He just got back from a funeral."
"So you can gripe and complain about him, but I can't? Another newsflash: his other son is my best friend. I can say whatever I want. I don't know who died. He seems to only care about himself and be damned with everyone else, including his children…" My heart was thundering so loud, it was deafening. I knew I had to calm down. Kid had no idea about my situation. Then I realized that I was doing what he had done. I was hurting so I wanted to hurt someone else. "I am so sorry, Kid. You're right. I can't say anything. Your father is still your father. I apologize."
Kid scooted over a little. "Sometimes, you're odd. This is one of those days. And it was my dad's old business partner that died. It sounds weird, but he respected the guy."
It had been an odd day, an odd week. And I was suddenly exhausted. As I wiped a tear away, I asked, "Can you give me a ride home? My grandfather gave me a ride in today."
Kid nodded. "Is this really about me hurting Brady? Is that why you're kind of off today or is there something else wrong? You're not you, not completely."
"It's the last day of school. I didn't get much sleep last night." I knew I was becoming a good liar when Kid didn't question me anymore. He patted my hand this time.
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