by P. A. Wilson
“No, this one was clear, and we don’t have time. I must complete the quest before the next moon, or I will be showing my pregnancy and not be able to journey.” Arabela firmed her lips. “Why are you afraid? I find it hard to believe the prophecy called for a coward to help us defeat Sayer Goddard.”
“I’m not a coward. I’m just trying to make sense of why it chose me.” Madeline could hear the whine in her voice.
“If you were one of my subjects I could just order you to come.”
“You would dictate someone to go to a possible death?”
“If it would save many more than died, yes,” Arabela said. “But, my subjects do not need to be ordered to do their duty.”
“And you know what is best.” Madeline kept her voice low but the words were being forced through her lips. “Where I come from, you would be called a dictator and would be condemned for oppressing the people.”
“Oppressing, I don’t care for this word, nor do I care for dictator.” Arabela’s voice was calm but her eyes focused on Madeline’s, her force of will pinning Madeline in her seat, demanding a response.
“I don’t care if you like it or not, you are one,” Madeline answered.
“Why? Would you allow people to choose their ruler?” Arabela started to laugh, and then stifled it as she realized Madeline was serious. “People would choose the person who promised them the most. Madeline, I’ve been trained to rule all my life. My every thought is focused on the wellbeing of my people and this is the least I can do. Did you not understand when we told you what would happen if Goddard is not stopped? The future of my subjects is only possible if we succeed. How can you not help?”
“The question is how can I help? That’s what I keep asking myself. If I say yes to you, and I can’t do what is needed, then I will have caused more trouble for you and the people you claim to love.” She stood.
“Please.” Arabela reached out her hand. “We need to know your answer. The company leaves the morning after tomorrow. You must answer by then or we go to uncertain fates.”
“I will give you an answer. Will you accept it, even if it is not what you want?”
“I will not force you.” Arabela stood and walked away.
Madeline watched her go, knowing her decision was probably made, but unwilling to commit until there was no choice. The new singer was attempting A Kiss from a Rose, the sound was right but the soul was missing.
10
An hour of walking around the camp didn’t help Madeline come to a decision she felt comfortable with. She returned to the dining room in time to see Simon coming through the curtain as she stepped into the brighter light. The room itself was empty of everyone except staff clearing the bowls and cups from the tables.
“Hey,” Simon called across the room. “You missed our debut.”
“Sorry, how did it go?”
“Mixed reactions, some of it was a hit and some of it not so great. Mellow Wind, that’s the name of the band, needs to find a style.” Simon waved goodnight to the four goblins who wandered out into the garden talking together excitedly, their crazy hair slicked back like some big band act. “You look like crap.”
“Thanks, that helps so much.” Madeline slapped his arm. “I can’t get my head around this problem. I feel like I’ve been worrying about the same issue for weeks. It’s only been two days, but it feels like my entire existence has been changed and I’m supposed to hit the ground running in this new paradigm.”
“Duh, your whole world has been changed. Look, you know you can’t worry this for any longer. It’s not fair to anyone, you included.” Simon winked at a passing server, the blonde girl from the kitchen, and she smiled back.
“If I’m interrupting anything, please let me know. I would hate for my identity crisis to interfere with your sex life.”
“No sex life, yet.” He sighed. “I’m not ready to catch a disease, or get a girl in trouble, until I know more about this world, and what’s going to happen in the next few weeks.”
“How noble of you, I need to talk this through with someone who might understand. Can you spare some time?”
“Happy to.” He took her arm. “John leaves in the evening. Sneak out on Elise and come to my room. We can talk undisturbed for as long as you need.”
“I would rather not try to sneak out, it isn’t fair to her. I don’t know what punishment she might get if she is supposed to keep track of me. I’ll wait in the library, you come there.”
“Give me half an hour.” He looked her over. “Should I bring food? You look like you are about to pass out.”
“I don’t think I could eat, at least not until I make this decision. If you need to eat bring food for yourself.”
She stood at the window of the library watching the shadows of people passing between the bright campfires until the door opened behind her, turning the window to a mirror for a second. Her reflection was ghostly. She understood what Simon meant when he said she looked like crap.
“I grabbed a sandwich before I came up.” He placed two mugs and two jugs on the stool she’d used as a table. “I brought caf and wine. I think you should start with the wine. You need loosening up.”
“That’s a fast road to alcoholism,” she said, pouring a mug of wine. “What the hell.”
“I may have worked out a way to help.”
“What, you found the spell to send me home?”
“Nice, if you aren’t interested in working this out let me know. I can find something easier to do with my evening.”
“Sorry.” She sipped the wine. “What’s your plan?”
“I think you are trying too hard to incorporate everything into your decision. When you need to cross-examine a witness, you focus on only the really important questions, right?”
“That’s true, what do you think I should ignore?”
“Not so fast.” Simon leaned against a wall of books and sipped his wine. “Forget what you should ignore; focus on what is important to your decision. It’s not about what I think. It’s about what you think. To be honest, I don’t remember you ever thinking about what other people wanted, or thought, when you were working.”
“Am I really that self-centered?” Madeline felt her defensiveness rise and mentally calmed it to a manageable level.
“No, well yes, but not the way you mean. You have this ability to put aside all inconsequential details and find the points that matter, and will help you win the case or argument. What is it you say?” Simon paused, and then nodded. “It doesn’t matter who the politician is sleeping with; it only matters if they are honest with the tax money.”
“The key pieces are less clear in this situation, though. It’s not a win or lose choice. Stay or go, I will always feel I’ve given up something important.”
“That’s the difference between us. I have no problem giving up the past. I see the possibility in the future and it excites me. Madeline, I will stay if I can, but if you decide to go, and I have to go to make that happen, I will.”
“Why?”
“I can find a new possibility there or here. I’m not tied to a place, and it turns out I’m not tied to a world, for my identity. You aren’t that way. I couldn’t live with myself if I forced you to stay.”
“Crap, that doesn’t make my choice easier. I thought we were trying to help make the decision not remind me how complicated it was.”
“There’s the difference. My decision is mine to make, and I’ve made it. You don’t have to make me happy; it’s not your responsibility here anymore than it was in our world.”
“So, my decision should be based on things I can control, right?” She was starting to feel as though she had direction. The past few hours had been like walking through a dense cloud looking for a way out. “Okay, I can control what I decide, but I need Arabela if my decision is to go home. I need a lot more if the decision is to stay.”
“Like what?”
“Information about this world, training, and some fucking clue a
s to what I’m supposed to do.”
“Do you need that now?”
“Yes.” She frowned at his raised eyebrow. “No? I guess if I stay, I have time to figure out what I’m supposed to do. So, that shouldn’t form part of my decision. But what if Arabela won’t send me home?”
“My take, is that she won’t make you stay. I don’t think she would be so loved by her people, and she is if you haven’t caught that yet, if she didn’t stand by her word.”
“I guess. Well I can control that. If I decide to stay, I can have her make a written agreement to send me home after the quest is over.”
“Good idea.” He yawned. “Sorry, it’s been a long day.”
“What are you going to do here?” She waved her hands to stop him speaking. “Not that I will need it to make my decision, I’m just curious.”
“I’m going to build an entertainment business. You heard that group of goblins. It took them about an hour to figure out how to play almost every genre I know. It’s not perfect, but it’s not about copying the originals, it’s about them finding their own rock and roll.” His eyes sparkled as he spoke. “Imagine what they could do with symphonies if they pick up popular music that fast.”
“I’ll tick worrying about you off my list of things that get in the way of my decision then. What did their music sound like before you got to them?”
“A cross between Japanese and Apala.” Simon saw the question on her face. “It’s drum music from Nigeria. And, I’m not planning to bury that style, just open them up to a more varied songbook.”
“I had no idea you were a musical scholar.”
“I’ve done some research. Stop running away from your problem. It’s not about me, remember.” Simon raised a finger and shook it at her.
“Yeah, yeah, okay, let’s say I go home. I need to know what that offers if I follow your reasoning. What I’m going home to is a key piece of information. Regardless of how much time has passed there, I could go back to a legal practice, and become a partner, or open my own firm.” She wasn’t looking at Simon anymore. She was staring into the fire. “I’ve worked so hard to get there I don’t know if I have any other choices.”
“You always have choices. You just need to have the guts to change.”
“Thanks, that’s twice today I’ve been called a coward.” She waved off his protest. “Okay, I could change careers. I could open a bookstore, or a cooking school. Or, better yet, a cooking school with a bookstore attached.”
“Really?”
“Yes, I’m not just a one-track mind, despite appearances.”
“So, what stopped you?”
“Everyone else’s expectations.” She sighed. “It takes a lot to turn your back on everyone who helped you get where they thought you wanted to go.”
“What if you stayed? After the quest was over you could do that here, not that they need help with cooking. You could introduce a few different cuisines. As good as it is, I’m getting a bit tired of meat and potatoes.”
“What if the quest is only successful if I die?”
“So, can you control that?”
“I could go home.”
“That’s not control, that’s avoid.”
“Fine.” Madeline knew he was right. “So, what would make staying the right choice for me, I guess is the real question.”
Simon yawned again. “Sorry, sorry. I do need to get to bed soon. If we both fall asleep here, there will be scandal.”
“Go to bed, I can figure this out myself.” Madeline rose. “I guess I should head to my bedroom, too. Elise might send out a search party.”
Elise was napping in the chair by the fire when Madeline came in. The bath was set up, a kettle of hot water sitting on the hearth. A long soak before bed was probably the best idea.
Elise woke as Madeline tried to pick up the kettle and groaned at the weight. “Wait, let me.” She fit a metal arm into a hinge on the side of the hearth. The hook on the end of the arm went through a chain and then onto the handle of the kettle. Elise worked a crank attached to the hinge and the kettle rose and swung over to the bath. The hot water steamed, and she tipped the kettle to empty the contents into the bath.
“You look tired,” Elise said. “I’ll put some lavender in your bath it will help you sleep.”
As she closed her eyes and lay back, Madeline tried to ignore the little voice that whispered there’s one other thing to think about if you go home, one person.
Elise woke her out of the doze before the water was cold and helped her into the nightdress. Madeline fell asleep to the sound of a crackling wood fire.
11
Madeline woke the next morning to find a tray of breakfast food on the table, and a steaming mug of caf on the hearth. The light coming through the window was pale and weak. She hoped it was just past dawn because if it was later, this light probably meant a shitty day. She ran to the convenience before eating, even though her stomach seemed to be crawling out of her throat to get at the food.
Standing at the window, she munched on toasted bread spread with honey, sipping from a large mug of caf between bites. She watched people in the yard get ready to leave. A line of packed wagons stood at the near end where the passage between the wall and the house was widest. The tents were still up, and the fires still tended, but it was clear to her that this camp was preparing to up stakes and move. Probably tomorrow morning, since tonight is the feast, she thought. “No more delay, I guess I’d better dress and go find Arabela. It’s time to strike a deal.”
The trousers she wore before lay on the chair with a pale-yellow shirt on top. The boots were set near the fire. On top of the shirt were two garments that seemed familiar but not quite right.
She picked them up and realized the first was underwear; thank god. Madeline was not comfortable going commando. The second looked like a set of straps sewn together at right angles. The ends of the straps hung loose, obviously meant to be tied. “I guess it’s a bra,” she muttered. She wrapped one set of straps around her body, twisted, and turned to try to figure out how to deal with the other straps. She looked up at the sound of a hearty laugh from the doorway. Elise stood there, hand over her mouth.
“I’m sorry,” she said pushing the door shut quickly. “I don’t think anyone saw you.”
“Stop laughing at me and come show me how this is supposed to work.” Madeline held out the bra hanging it from her fingertips.
“I’m sorry, that was not polite, but you did look funny. I suppose you weren’t to know that the seamstress wouldn’t make something too complicated to use.” She took the straps. “I want to thank you for inventing this. I have one on.” She pointed to her breasts, which were sitting much higher and firmer than yesterday. “The seamstress is busy turning them out in different sizes. She can’t keep up with the demand. I can run around, and up and down stairs, without bouncing all over the place.”
“That’s the point, although some women in my world refuse to wear them.” Madeline watched as Elise arranged the fabric into a pair of shoulder straps and two cup like arrangements. She slipped it over her shoulder then Elise passed the longer straps around the back, then around the front again.
“Take these and give them a tug until you are comfortable,” she instructed. “The size should adapt to you and then you just tie them and let the ends hang down the front. I’ll trim them when you are set so you don’t have to worry about tucking them in.”
“There. God that feels great.” She stretched and the bra moved with her and resettled comfortably. “If I go back, I’m taking this with me. It will be the next best invention in women’s lingerie.” She picked up the yellow shirt and buttoned it closed, then pulled on the boots. “You said that I would have enough clothes to take with me on the quest if I wanted to. Are they ready?”
“Yes, the clothes are packed in a traveling case for you and will be taken in the service wagons. There will be three other sets of trousers and shirts, a dress, just in case, two pairs of boots an
d slippers. On a journey people usually sleep in their day clothes so they can leave quickly if needed.”
“Good.” Madeline looked around the bedroom. “I’ll miss this. Will you be coming too?”
“No, my duty is here. There will be women in the camp who can tend you if need be. Then you have decided to go with the Lady?”
“I’ll let you know,” Madeline said, not ready to broadcast her decision. “Do you know where I’ll find Arabela right now?”
“Downstairs in the large dining room, she is meeting with the leaders of the allies to plan the route. If you wish to speak with her I’m sure she will allow the interruption.”
The room was undergoing a transformation. Servants moved around preparing for the departure feast. The tables were covered in brightly colored cloths, with contrasting napkins folded like swans at each place. New candles sat in the wall sconces, and two young boys filled vases with huge bouquets.
Arabela sat at a table next to the open French doors. Five others stood with her looking over what seemed to be a pile of maps. Jugg was standing on a chair to get enough height to lean over the paper. A feathered, winged creature was standing next to the goblin, and an Eldman next to him or her. Madeline couldn’t remember which sex was feathered and which was scaled. On Arabela’s other side one of the tall white-skinned, green-haired people was speaking and pointing out a path to the others. Jode’s blond head turned from the group as Madeline walked into the room. He smiled at her and said something to Arabela who nodded and excused herself from the group.
“Good morning,” she said approaching Madeline and gesturing to a table in the corner. “Have you come to your decision?”
“I have,” Madeline said, sitting next to Arabela. Both women sat with their backs to the room, which gave Madeline a sense of privacy. “I will come, but I need some assurances before I start out with you.”