by P. A. Wilson
“I do not think I can wait any longer for your decision on our future.”
“It is not a good idea to make commitments after such emotional times.”
“I need hope, at least. I know I said I would be patient. But life is so fragile; I need to know if you love me.”
“You know it’s not that easy for me. It’s not just about love. It’s about everything.” Madeline felt her stomach tighten and her throat clench with fear that she would say the wrong thing, that she would say yes to make him feel better. “It has been difficult for me today as well. I have been thinking about my home, about the people I left behind, who I will leave behind if I stay.”
“And?” Jode asked.
“And I don’t know. I can’t make this decision now. Please do not ask me to.”
“Am I still to wait on your deliberations?” He leaned away from her.
“I’m sorry. I can’t make that decision today.” Madeline stood and took his hands in hers. “I have other decisions to make that must be made without a commitment to you. I must also decide what I will do here as a profession. I cannot simply be a wife; I need something to challenge my mind, to enjoy when I am not with you.”
“Then you have made a decision?” Jode smiled. “You are staying?”
“I have not made a firm decision. As I said, I have other decisions to make first. And I have to survive my role in the quest.”
“Do not think you will die in the quest. It is not good to think of death in these circumstances.”
“Okay I won’t. Please don’t ask me about our future. I can’t think of that when I’m so worried about what I need to do in the next two days. If you make me talk about it, if you make me decide before I’m ready, then I will just break off our relationship now.”
“If that is what you wish.” Jode stood. “If you have no more use of me then I will join the other musicians. It is difficult for them to make up for the two lost ones if I am absent as well.”
Madeline nodded unable to speak for fear she would simply tell him she loved him, and wanted to stay here forever with him. That frightened her more than the upcoming battle.
The next morning dawned fair and clear. The camp broke quietly, but with a sense of life. People spoke softly but walked with a spring in their step. The wake had been successful. Those who hung their head today did so with a slight uneven weave and a greenish tinge to their skin, hungover, not heartbroken. Madeline and Arabela walked together to the horse paddock and helped the grooms saddle their mounts. Walking the horses to the edge of the camp, they waited for the rest of the riders to join them.
“You were talking to Sir Jode last night,” Arabela said. “Have you come to an understanding?”
“No, he tried to make me decide, but I’m not sure of anything.” She fiddled with the reins as they talked. “I don’t know if he is even pressuring me to stay really. I know what he says, but it seems to me all he wants is a decision one way or another.”
“You are being obstinate.” Arabela sighed and shook her head. “You will lose his love if you keep him waiting.”
“I shouldn’t make such a big decision just because I am afraid of losing one of the choices.”
“What are you afraid of? He is a good man. He has a beautiful and rich estate. You would be able to do whatever you wished to entertain and interest yourself.”
“It is not just about love. It is about changing everything I know.” Madeline heard her voice tighten with anger. “You are all blind to the fact that I have to give up everything if I stay.”
“So, what is it that is so valuable about your life in that world?”
“I don’t know. Damn, if everyone stopped pushing maybe I could figure it out. I had friends who married and ended up divorced over stupid things. If I end up wanting to get out of a marriage here, I would have no one and nothing.”
“If you wished to end your marriage to Sir Jode he would provide for you.”
“Yes, that’s what is supposed to happen in my world too. But it comes down to fights over money. The relationship that starts in a sense of wonder and hope ends in a fight over who has to pay who, and how much.”
“It does not happen that way here.”
“That may be true, but I am not going to jump blindly into marriage. I don’t want to find myself facing divorce here. I want a marriage that will last forever.”
“You are really quite an idiot,” Arabela snapped. “If you wish to stay married to Jode then you will. If you are willing to work through the difficult times and accept that you are both flawed, you will stay together until death takes one of you to the next life.”
“Fine,” Madeline said squeezing her knees to signal Glory to start walking. “If it’s that easy then I am an idiot. But I’m an idiot who won’t be pushed. I think I’ll ride further back in the line.” She turned Glory’s head toward the end of the line of horses, joining Simon about half way down.
“That looked like you were fighting,” he said as she turned Glory to ride beside him. “Please tell me you weren’t alienating our hostess, and the woman who will be my patron if I’m lucky.”
“She was antagonizing me,” Madeline said.
“Really? How?”
“Telling me I shouldn’t keep Jode hanging, accusing me of being stupid, or spiteful, or a coward, just because I can’t make a decision.”
“So, which one is it?”
“What?”
“Stupid, spiteful, or afraid?”
“Asshole.” She shook her head. “Confused I think is more like it, or perhaps overwhelmed.”
“She’s right, you know.”
“About what?”
“You need to decide and you need to tell people.”
“Fuck off. I thought you would understand,” She tried to turn Glory so they could ride further back in the line but Simon grabbed the reins.
“I do,” he said. “What you don’t seem to understand is that you are asking them to go into battle with too many things on their minds.”
“No, I’m not. Arabela is taking them, and me, into battle.”
“Yes, but you hold a lot of power in that situation. Jode should only be worrying about the next day or two, but he’s not. He’s worried about what you will do. He’s trying to understand if he will have a new life to look forward to. If you say yes to him, he knows his next steps with you, and can put aside that worry. If you say no, he’ll be heartbroken, the guy loves you to bits, but he knows how to deal with that.”
“So, it’s all my fault.” She felt the anger and frustration explode out of her control. “Because I need to take some time to think out my future, I’m the bad guy?”
“You already know what you want to do,” he hissed at her keeping his voice low. “You told me yesterday. I have seen you be a right bitch to people, but this takes the cake. This isn’t about just you; it’s about all these people.”
“Let me go.” Her voice was calm and cold. “I don’t want to talk about this. I’m going to ride at the end of the line.”
As she left, Madeline heard Urr say, “Sir Simon, please, we need you with the band. There is a terrible argument going on. We need you to help stop it.”
At the head of the line, Arabela and Jode rode side by side. “You should leave this to me,” Jode said. “It is my heart that is at stake.”
“You are not accustomed to this type of decision,” Arabela said. “It is better if you let me talk to her. I will make her understand that she must marry you.”
“I do not wish her to marry me because she has been ordered to do so.”
“Of course not.” Arabela laughed. “Most men do not wish to know that their wives have been obtained through any other means but true love.”
“With respect, Lady Arabela,” Jode said quietly his body held stiffly in the saddle. “I am not a child. I am aware that there are traditions of expedience, political or otherwise, in uniting houses. I do not wish to have a marriage of expedience. I would rather she
be willing, than not.”
“An admirable goal.” Arabela ignored the first statement. “And if she decides to go back to her world. Would you prefer that?”
“If she believes it is the right thing for her.”
“You would be heartbroken. How will you recover from losing her? You should not worry so much about what happens after, just how to get her to be your wife.”
“Allow me to decide what I should or should not worry about.” He nudged his horse into a faster gait. “I think I shall ride ahead and ensure the road is safe.”
He trotted ahead, and was lost around a bend in the road. Arabela dropped back until she was riding between two of her guardsmen. It was not safe for her to ride out of protection. She knew Jode was taking advantage of the fact that she wouldn’t follow him because she wouldn’t endanger the rest of the group.
“My lady.” One of the camp servants approached with a flask of water. “Please, take a little refreshment.”
“What happened to your face?” Arabela asked as she reached for the flask. The woman’s hair was loose and tangled, as though she had ridden through a windstorm. Her face was marred with a fresh scratch across the right cheek.
“It is nothing.” She put her hand over the scratch. “A disagreement over duties.”
“Ask Blu to look at it,” Arabela said passing the flask back to the woman. “It would be unwise to leave a cut like that to become infected. Have someone bring water to the men as well.”
The woman nodded and ran back to the supply wagon.
As the sun reached the high point of its path, the camp stopped for a rest break. People ran around with platters of bread, dried meats, and fruit. Others ran behind with jugs of water and wine. Grooms took the horses to a nearby stream to be watered and their hooves and legs checked for injury.
Madeline felt the hustle and bustle of the camp rub on her nerves like sandpaper on skin. She took a sandwich and a mug of water to a slight rise off to the side of the camp. The relative peace of the space allowed her to relax and enjoy the break. As she ate, she watched the others about their duty, there seemed to be more bumps and shoves than usual. She saw a couple of the grooms standing nearby while they waited for the horses. They started shouting and swearing at each other for no reason she could see. The stable master cuffed them both across the side of the head. They stopped fighting, but threw looks at each other that guaranteed the fight was to continue later when no one was looking.
There was a clatter of metal falling and a young serving girl stood looking down at a pile of platters that she had dropped when another server had crashed into her. The plates were empty but it looked like she was going to be in trouble for clumsiness. The cook was marching towards her with a fist raised.
Madeline ran forward to get between the cook and the girl. “Stop, it was an accident,” she said putting her hands out to prevent the man moving forward. “It was an accident,” she repeated firmly.
“Too many damn accidents today,” the man said, and then stomped back to the cook wagon.
Madeline helped the girl pick up the platters and take them to the team of dishwashers. As she did, she observed more arguments and fights than she had in her entire time on the journey.
“It looks like the wake didn’t quite do the job,” she muttered. “Emotions were released but not soothed. I think we need something else before this explodes into a full, camp wide, fist fight.” She went in search of Blu, thinking that the priest was the best option for a calm observation and a plan to resolve the problem. When she found him, he was standing beside his wagon talking to two men who had drawn knives.
“It is not in our best interest to fight each other,” the priest was saying. “Put away your knives. We may need both of you if it comes to a battle.”
The priest was patting the men’s arms as he spoke. They kept their eyes on him and seemed to relax their posture at his words. The two men apologized, sheathed the knives, bowed, and turned to walk away in opposite directions.
“What is going on?” Madeline asked.
“There is too much tension,” Blu said taking her arm and walking her around his wagon. He pointed at small conflicts all around them. “The people know that there is tension between you and Lady Arabela, between you and Sir Jode. Tension in the leaders transfers itself to the people. It is worse now because the stakes are so high.”
“I’m causing this?” Madeline was amazed that he thought she had that much influence. “This is because Arabela, Jode, and I are having a disagreement?”
“Not all,” Blu said. “But you must remember both you and Arabela have power, magical power. When she was a child her training focused on containment. You have not received such lessons.”
“Can you train me?” Madeline was horrified that she was at least partially to blame. “Can you shield me or something? If this continues we won’t have a chance.”
“No, there is no time to train you and I can’t shield you because it might interfere with what you are supposed to do.”
“Well, how do we stop this?”
“Make peace with yourself if you can.” Blu stood with his arms folded across his chest. “Make peace with Sir Jode and Lady Arabela.”
“Okay.” Madeline hoped peace wouldn’t require a decision. “Do you know where they are?”
“Over there.” Blu pointed to a group of people who were shouting at someone in the center of their huddle. “They are trying to resolve an issue between the Fay and the Sylph. Come, I’ll take over the negotiation to free them to talk to you.” They made their way through the crowd by excusing themselves as they wiggled into the gaps between Fay and Sylph.
“Please,” Blu said in a surprisingly loud voice. “Gentlemen, ladies, I will hear your complaint. Allow these three to pass. They have important business. Now one at a time, please, tell me what this is all about.”
Jode and Arabela allowed her to guide them to the edge of the crowd without protest. When they were clear, Madeline saw Simon moving towards them. She called him over and they retreated to the shelter of the trees.
“It is not right that I leave Blu to settle that dispute,” Arabela said, looking at the crowd but not moving to go back. “Not right, but he will do a much better job than I would.”
“What the hell is going on?” Simon asked. “It’s like everyone just decided to take offense at the mere presence of others.”
Madeline passed on Blu’s comments.
“So, you need to reach some sort of compromise,” Simon said. “As far as I can see, you keep arguing about the same thing.”
“We have had many arguments. What is the single thing?” Jode asked.
“Madeline,” Simon answered. “It’s always about whether or not she’s staying, and whether or not she will marry you.”
Arabela looked at the expression on Jode’s face and laughed. “You are certainly very focused.”
“And, Lady Madeline is willing to make her decision for the sake of the people?” Jode’s eyes lit up in hope. “I am happy to hear what she has to say.”
“No,” Madeline said. “I’m sorry I don’t think it’s about that.”
“I had to ask,” Jode said.
“Well, the tension for me is because we keep talking about it. It doesn’t help to keep going on about what I should or shouldn’t do.”
Simon held up his hand to get their attention. “Look, I think she’s right. Forcing a decision will only push these feelings underground, and that’s likely to do more damage than a brawl. What if we agree not to discuss it until the quest is done?”
“Until I have to decide?” Madeline shrugged. “I think I can find other things to talk about for a day.”
“It is perhaps wise to discuss other topics,” Jode conceded. “I am happy to agree to discuss anything but our future. Perhaps we can return to your training as a substitute topic.”
“If you can put the subject aside I suppose I can do so too,” Arabela said. “It is less important to me
what you decide, Madeline. It does feel somewhat easier not having to think of ways to help you with your decision.”
“Okay,” Madeline said. “So, do we need to cut our fingers and mingle our blood to make a pact?”
“How perfectly horrible.” Arabela shuddered. “Why would you damage yourself that way?”
“Old custom on my world.” Simon laughed. “Look just shake hands, and walk back together. It might be a good idea for you to wander around the camp together encouraging people to pack up and get going.”
“Yes,” Jode said. “A show of harmony will probably do the trick.”
28
“Wake up,” Alice called to Madeline at sunrise. “You are to meet with Lady Arabela at the priest’s wagon in a half hour.”
Madeline jumped out of the bedding, put on her sword belt, and slid the throwing knives into pockets sewn into her shirt and the side of her pants. The weight of her weapons was distributed evenly, making it possible to move as if she was not carrying several pounds of sharpened steel.
“Here,” Alice said handing Madeline a mug and a sandwich. “Eat this as you talk. There may be no other opportunity until this is over.”
“Thanks.” Madeline looked around the tent room that had become home in the last week. “Are you packing up?”
“No. We will be here when you return. I will lay out a dress for you to wear at the party to celebrate victory. There will be a bath waiting for you, if we have enough notice.”
“And what if…” Madeline started to ask.
“Do not contemplate anything other than victory,” Alice said in a rush. “You will be victorious and you will all return to celebrate.”
Madeline nodded and ran towards the meeting. Blu’s wagon was in the center of a cleared space. All of the armed men stood in a circle around the clearing, all except Jode, who stood waiting for Madeline to arrive. There was a small round tent set up in front of the wagon; around the tent were piles of stones and incense.