She couldn’t respond to her dad. Couldn’t find the breath to do so. She buried her face in her hands and took deep breaths. The door opened again and she felt another reassuring touch on her back.
"I'm sorry, Amanda. I wish there was something I could do for you."
Amanda’s dad, Cole, glanced over her back at the newcomer. "I think I got this," he said, his voice oozing venom, jagged in its implied violence.
Amanda’s stepfather, Fox, didn’t respond but Amanda did.
"I can’t fucking deal with this right now!" She shrugged from beneath both supportive hands and stalked off, the full force of her emotions slamming into her like a wave.
She wanted to just get in a car, any car, and hide out, but she didn't even know which car to get into. Her father's? Her stepfather’s? Her mother had been the pillar of stability in her life and without her she felt vulnerable and rudderless. How could her mother just be there one day and dead the next?
On the steps of the funeral home, Fox wasn’t letting this opportunity pass. "You see that? That's why she needs to stay with me. We've become a family. You’re just tearing her away from all of the comfort and stability in her life."
Cole turned toward the taller, thinner man and squared up. "Amanda and I never had to become family. We were a family until you came along and fucked things up."
Fox shook his head in a dismissive and condescending manner. "Life happens, Cole. Get over it. That was a long time ago."
“Five years doesn't feel like such a long time ago when you wake up every fucking day missing your daughter. Missing the life you used to have."
Fox shrugged. "She's my daughter too. You think I'm not gonna miss her?"
Cole lowered his voice. "She is not your daughter. She was never your daughter. She was just something that came in the deal when you started screwing around with my wife."
"Listen, I'm not going to get into the reasons your marriage fell apart," Fox said, suddenly on the offensive. “But it wasn’t just because I came along. It was over way before then.”
Cole felt his body surge with adrenaline. His muscles were tensing. He felt like he was going to punch Fox and he wasn't sure if he could stop himself. It wouldn't even be a fight. Cole worked with his hands every day as a building contractor. Fox sat at a desk. One punch and it would be over, Fox bleeding on the funeral home steps, and Cole forever remembered as the guy who beat up a widower at his wife’s funeral.
Fox started to say something else but Cole cut him off. "I’m done talking to you. You keep running your mouth and I’m going to stick my fist in it. Amanda will be out of school in two weeks. When she finishes her last class, I'll be here the next day with a truck and she's coming home with me. That’s the end of it."
Fox sighed and shoved his hands in his pockets. "I wish you wouldn't be so vindictive and unreasonable. She’ll be going into her senior year of high school. She has friends. She has activities she enjoys doing."
It was then, from the corner of his eye, Cole noticed his daughter sobbing hysterically beneath a Dogwood tree in a distant corner of the parking lot. She looked heartbreakingly pitiful, her shoulders heaving with the violence of her grief. She clearly didn't know what to do or where to go. It was the saddest thing Cole had ever seen in his life.
Cole jogged down the steps. "We'll see you at the cemetery."
"Immediate family is riding together," Fox called after him. “That’s how they do this.”
Cole flipped a middle finger back over his shoulder, then rushed to his daughter. After a long hug, he ushered her to his Jeep Wrangler and held the door while she got inside.
When Cole joined his daughter inside it was on the tip of his tongue to start tearing into what a dick Fox was and how he was sorry Amanda had to spend part of her life with him. His better judgment won out though. He reached over and put his arm around her.
Though Amanda visited him as much as she could, the visits were always a little awkward with the awareness there was a clock ticking and a point where she would have to leave him. She hadn’t needed him this way since she was a child and he felt a degree of guilt that he enjoyed her needing him. It was another thing he would have to blame Fox for since it was pointless to blame his deceased ex-wife, Christina.
Amanda wilted under her dad’s arm, giving up what little control she’d had. Cole began crying too. He cried for what had been lost between him and his daughter, for those years he’d never get back. He also cried for the loss of the woman he’d never quit loving and to whom he hadn’t even been able to say goodbye.
“Dad, I love you but I want to stay here. I want to be with my friends. I don’t want to change high schools.”
Cole hesitated before responding, “That can’t happen, sweetie. I’m not leaving you here with a stranger.”
“Fox isn’t a stranger,” Amanda said.
“He’s not your father. I’m your father. You’re coming to North Carolina and that’s final.”
Amanda released her hug and looked away from him. “Why did Mom have to get killed?”
“It was a car accident, Amanda. Just random fate. I’m not going to tell you it was God’s plan or something like that because I don’t know. It just happened, and it sucks for those of us left behind.”
Amanda cut him a sharp look. “Like you even care.”
Cole did care. More than he could even say, in fact. For that reason, he let the argument drop. He didn’t want to get into why the marriage fell apart. He didn’t want to speak ill of Amanda’s mother while she was in this state. While it hurt him that Amanda would even say it, he knew it was the pain speaking. He would just have to remember that.
It was the pain.
True to his word, Cole was there to pick up Amanda one day after school was dismissed for summer. Cole took the day off work and made the eight-hour trip to Northern Virginia from western North Carolina. Following the route on the GPS, it occurred to him that he’d never been to Christina and Fox’s home. Every time he'd come to pick up Amanda they’d met somewhere. Christina hadn’t given him the impression she was scared of him, so maybe it was just a mental thing for her. Maybe she didn’t want him to see her new life. Maybe she wanted that to be completely separate and compartmentalized.
He wasn't surprised to find that her home was in a new subdivision of generic brick McMansions with immaculately striped lawns and manicured hedges. Cole had built homes in subdivisions like this before, though he hated doing them. The entire development was built around a half dozen different plans each homeowner could choose from. They might orient them differently to give the impression of variety but it was really just a cookie-cutter development.
The pickup truck Cole drove belonged to his construction company and it didn't have a navigation system. An inexpensive Garmin GPS was suction-cupped to the windshield and led him through the maze of unremarkable homes. When the GPS announced he’d reached his destination, Cole turned into a driveway. Ahead of him he found an open garage door with his daughter’s possessions stacked there. He eased his truck forward, watching his side mirror to make sure he didn't drop a trailer tire in the ditch. By the time he was parked and had the engine off, Amanda and her stepfather were standing on the front porch.
Seeing her belongings in a pile, like she was being evicted, caused a pang in Cole’s heart. His daughter wasn't being evicted. He accepted it was his fault, because it was his decision for his daughter to come with him. Still, seeing that pile made him aware of how little a life could be reduced to.
Fox put an arm around Amanda and gave her a hug. It seemed genuine enough but it did not deter Cole from the reason he was here. He never doubted that Fox cared for Amanda, but she was his daughter. He shoved the truck door open, slid out, and stretched his sore muscles. He was used to being active all day. Sitting in a truck didn’t agree with him. He walked around the truck, still wondering if he was doing the right thing but not knowing what else to do. He felt a little better about it when his daughter came t
o him. Cole hugged her tightly.
"You doing okay, sweetie?" Cole asked.
They separated and Amanda shrugged. "I guess. Not like I have a choice."
That was not convincing.
"Well, there's all her stuff," Fox said. He was wearing a polo shirt and bright green shorts with his hands shoved in his pockets. He had on boat shoes. which were something that Cole never understood, especially for people that didn’t own boats. "I promised her I would send anything of her mother's she wanted. I haven’t gone through any of the personal stuff yet—the photo albums, the mementoes, those kinds of things. The wound is still too fresh. When I do I'll send it on to her. I promise."
Cole nodded in appreciation. "Thank you. Those things will mean something to her down the road."
The talk of her mother in the past tense bothered Amanda. She picked up a handful of duffel bags and nodded at her dad's truck. "Where do you want me to put these?"
"The inside of the cargo trailer is empty. You can start there."
Amanda went to work. Cole joined in with her and soon Fox was carrying loads too. With the three of them hauling, it only took a few minutes to fill the trailer. Cole helped his daughter load a snowboard into the bed of the truck.
"When did you learn to snowboard?" he asked.
"I don’t know,” Amanda said with a shrug. “I just picked it up.”
"We took her to Snowshoe in West Virginia a couple of times. She was a natural. Maybe we can try to go again this winter," Fox suggested. "If it's okay with your father."
Cole shrugged. "If Amanda wants to I'm sure we can work something out."
As much as Cole hated the guy there was no use punishing his daughter for it. Kids needed all of the support they could get in life regardless of where it came from. If Fox was a positive influence in his daughter’s life he should just suck it up and allow their relationship to continue.
Even if it irritated the shit out of him.
When they had all of Amanda’s gear packed in the vehicle, Cole stood at the front of his truck, arms resting on the hood, and watched the two of them say goodbye. Amanda hugged the man with embarrassed awkwardness. It was probably a teenager thing. Cole thought he detected tears in Fox’s eyes. Maybe he wasn't a total tool, but Cole wasn’t ready to give the final word on that yet. He shook Fox’s hand while Amanda climbed into the cab of the truck. He didn’t even understand why he did it until their hands were already clasped.
"I hope you will allow me to continue to be a part of her life," Fox said.
Cole shrugged and muttered, "Of course."
What the hell else was he supposed to say?
He joined his daughter in the truck and closed the door. He looked over at her. Her elbow was resting in the window, chin propped forlornly on her hand. She was staring at the house where she’d spent the last five years of her life. Cole didn’t think Amanda’s state was particularly a reflection of the move but rather a statement on her life in general. At the moment, it probably sucked pretty bad. Cole didn't know what to say but reached over and patted her hand because it was all he had to offer.
He started the truck and carefully backed the trailer down the driveway, swinging onto the street. He shifted into drive and accelerated out of the neighborhood.
"I'm sorry all this had to happen to you, Amanda. First the divorce and now this. It’s a lot to be saddled with. The world is cruel and utterly random sometimes. You have to continue going forward because it’s the only thing to do."
Amanda shrugged but didn’t respond. Cole understood that all his daughter knew was her own life and her own experiences. Right now, those probably didn’t instill a lot of faith in what the world might have to offer her. Amanda had no reason to believe life would ever be anything other than periods of calm interrupted by extremely unpleasant experiences. Cole hoped that wouldn’t be the case. Like any parent, he wanted better for her. He wanted her to have a life she would enjoy and remember fondly. It was his singular goal in life now to try to provide that for her.
“My friend Raven’s parents said I could stay with her for the school year if you would let me,” Amanda said.
It was clear from her tone that she didn’t expect him to say yes. She was just throwing it out as an accusation, a reminder that he didn’t have to do this. He didn’t have to completely uproot her from her old life. She wanted to make him feel bad. To make him feel selfish. He felt bad enough without her help.
Cole shook his head. “You know I can’t do that.”
“I knew that’s what you’d say. I already told them you’d say no.”
"I don’t want to spend all day fighting with you in the car. Is there anything else I can do for you, Amanda? Are you hungry?"
“The only thing you can do for me is something you won’t do.”
She was right. He was not going to leave her behind to stay with people who were not her family.
She turned to the window. A few minutes later, she put in her earbuds and listened to music on her phone. Cole turned on the GPS and they began the long drive to what would most certainly be a new life for both of them.
It was off to a pretty shitty start.
3
Amanda was disoriented the next morning when her father shook her awake. As a teenager, waking up was difficult to begin with. Then there was the added factor that somewhere in the back of her brain she realized it was the first day of summer vacation and she shouldn't have to be getting up. Someone kept shaking her and repeating her name until she couldn’t ignore it any longer.
“What?” she croaked.
“Wake up,” said a voice. Her dad’s voice.
Amanda opened her eyes, momentarily confused to find her father sitting at the side of her bed with a cup of coffee in his hand. Then the sight of her dad brought a concussive series of recollections. She remembered leaving her old home and making the long drive to North Carolina, unpacking the truck late at night, and then coming back to this bedroom, realizing that her old bedroom was now her new bedroom.
Then, as it had every day for the past two weeks, the awareness that her mother was dead fell on her like a dump truck dropped from the sky. Her life from this day forward would be different. A new place, new school, and new friends. In truth, every day had been different since her mother passed away, but grief brought a merciful blur that sometimes made it difficult to process what was going on. Although she had never forgotten her mom was dead, in the cyclone of emotions it was easy to be numbed to everything. She simply focused on what was immediately in front of her, like studying for exams and going through her daily school routine.
In bed that morning she was painfully aware that the merciful numbness was dissipating. The pain was more jagged. "Dad? What's going on?"
"I need you to get up. I told you last night you were going to the job site with me today. You can work a little bit and earn a little money. It pays better than anything you'd make working fast food or retail. Plus, it's about the best workout you can get."
“Workout?” Amanda mumbled.
It wasn't like she was looking to pick up some new workout routine. In fact, she was not looking for any workout at all. What she had been looking forward to with great anticipation was a summer of sleeping late, reading, and laying out in the sun. A few weeks ago that plan also included hanging out at the local pool with her friends and whatever cute boys happened to be around. Now her friends, the pool, and any cute boys she happened to know were a day’s drive away.
Amanda squinted against the light coming in from the hallway. She looked toward the curtains, the sky still dark outside. "It’s still dark. What time is it?"
"Five A.M."
"Five A.M! Jesus Christ, Dad. I didn’t plan on spending my summer getting up at five A.M. There has to be a transition period or something. This is just cruel."
"It’s not punishment, Amanda. It's a chance to earn some money of your own and to learn a few skills. It’s a chance for us to spend some time together too. Consid
ering everything that's gone on, I worry about you being here at the house alone all day. You need to be active and around other people."
Amanda gave her dad a curdling look. "It's not like I'm going to lock myself in the garage and suck exhaust, Dad. All I want to do is sleep, not off myself."
Cole held up an appeasing hand. "I know. I would just feel better if you were there with me. Let's give it a try, okay?"
She didn’t answer.
“Okay?”
She exploded, sitting up straight in the bed, and screaming at him, “No! I said I didn’t want to go and you keep asking me. I don’t want to go and I’m not getting out of this bed. You can either drag me out or leave me the hell alone. I’m tired of everyone smothering me with their worry. Just leave me alone!”
Cole was taken aback by her fury. She was going through a lot but this was so uncharacteristic of his normally calm, sweet daughter. “Are you okay?”
“Do I fucking look okay? How can I possibly be okay? How can anything ever be okay again? Mom is dead. She’s gone and I feel like she took everything else with her. My school, my friends, everything. She took my entire life with her.” Tears streamed down her reddening face.
“I know how you feel but we’ve been through this. This is your new home.”
“You don’t know how I feel!” she bellowed. “You can’t know how I feel!”
“I’m trying to understand, baby. I’m here to support you.”
“Where was that support five years ago, Dad? Mom told me what you said. She told me everything.”
Cole was taken aback by her comments and sat on the edge of the bed. “What did she tell you?”
“I’m not getting into it,” Amanda said, laying back on the bed and putting the pillow over her head. “You know what you did.”
“I didn’t do anything,” Cole said.
“Don’t lie to me!” Amanda screamed into her pillow. “If you expect me to live with you and us to have a relationship together then you need to be honest with me.”
Random Acts Page 2