by Amy Lillard
Was that what it was? Making love? He had taken her on the kitchen counter. The first time had been in the cab of his truck. Was he destined to continually fail where she was concerned?
“Stop blaming yourself, Seth,” Gary said. “In most cases, sexual intercourse during the first trimester is perfectly safe. These things happen. It’s unfortunate and sad, but they happen. It’s not your fault.”
“Can I see her?”
“She’s pretty out of it right now. She was in a great deal of pain. So we gave her something to help her sleep. She lost a lot of blood. I want to keep her overnight just to be on the safe side.”
“I want to see her.”
Gary nodded. “Follow me.”
Seth walked behind the doctor all the way to Jessie’s room. Everything seemed magnified, the lights were too bright, the sounds of their shoes against the tiles too loud, the walls too beige.
“Stay as long as you like,” Gary said. “But don’t be surprised if she doesn’t wake up, okay?”
Seth nodded and pushed into the dim room.
Her red curls contrasted starkly with the white of the pillows, and her freckles stood out against her pale skin. Dark circles underlined both eyes.
Tears stung the back of his throat and made conversation impossible. Like there was anything to be said.
She looked as though she was asleep. He crept into the room, careful not to disturb her. He checked the rise and fall of her covers as if the doctors would lie about her being okay. He just needed to see for himself. She was breathing. Aside from being wan and going through a horrible ordeal, she was fine. Or at least she would be.
He sat in the seat next to her bed. He wanted to hold her hand, kiss her fingers, but he was afraid of waking her. Gary had said that she’d had a lot of medication and would probably sleep the entire time he was with her, but Seth needed to be at her side.
Ignoring his own vow not to disturb her, Seth took her hand into his. She didn’t move as he pressed little kisses on each fingertip. “I’m so sorry, Jessie.” The tears that had threatened earlier made good on their promises and slid down his cheeks. “So very sorry.”
* * *
By three o’clock the next afternoon, Jessie was released from the hospital. She felt numb and hollow.
She still couldn’t believe that the baby was gone. How could everything be fine and dandy one minute and then completely fall apart the next?
Seth helped her into his truck and shut the door. She leaned her head against the window. Now what happened?
She closed her eyes as Seth started the truck and backed out of the parking lot.
He didn’t say a word to her all the way back to the ranch house. She was just beginning to think of it as home. But now . . .
Seth had married her because she was pregnant. Now she wasn’t. Where did that leave them?
And what must he think of her? She was a failure. She couldn’t even grow a baby. Wasn’t that what being a woman was all about? Bringing in the next generation?
Suddenly she wished she could call back every conversation they’d had about gender. She only wanted a healthy baby. Boy or girl, it didn’t matter to her. And now she had none.
She could feel Seth’s eyes land on her from time to time, but she kept her head against the window as she watched the world pass by. Out of Cattle Creek and onto the Diamond. She didn’t move until he pulled to a stop in front of the old ranch house.
She got out before he could help her. She winced as her feet hit the ground. They told her the pain would be like an extremely bad period. Having not suffered from cramps like some other women, she wasn’t prepared for the backbreaking pains that seared through her.
Seth led the way to the house and held open the door.
“Where’s Sadie?” Jessie asked. The pooch was strangely absent.
“I took her over to the big house. I thought you might want a little more peace and quiet for a couple of days.”
She nodded. That was Seth, ever thoughtful, but Jessie would have preferred to have the pooch there. She could use a bit of that canine unconditional love.
“You want to talk about it?” Seth’s question was softly spoken, nearly hesitant.
She shook her head. “I think I’ll go lay down.”
He looked as if he might protest, but in the end he gave a quick nod and let her go. She walked down the narrow hallway, faltering when she got to the baby’s room.
They should have never bought the furniture so early in her pregnancy. It was bad luck. Everyone said so. But she had wanted to spend time with her husband; she had wanted to please him. So they had picked out the crib and brought it home. Now it would remain empty forever.
She closed the door and continued to her room.
A tired sigh escaped her as she turned down the covers. She removed her boots and crawled into the bed, still wearing the clothes she had come home in. They weren’t the clothes she’d had on yesterday. She didn’t ask what had become of her blood-soaked jeans. She didn’t want to know.
She needed to cry, but she couldn’t. She had been a fool. A crazy, self-centered fool.
She was married to one of the greatest guys in Page County. But for how long was anyone’s guess.
He had only married her for the baby, but now that it was gone, it was only a matter of time before Seth would want his freedom. He’d had a pretty sweet deal before he married her. Eligible women bringing him cakes and casseroles. He could have had his pick, and he got stuck with her.
Last night he’d told her that he loved her. And fool that she was, she didn’t stop to ask him to explain. She heard only what she wanted to hear. He admitted that he wasn’t good with words. How else could this have fallen so easily from his lips? They had known each other practically their whole lives. He had been trying to make her feel better and said those sweet words, but he couldn’t mean them. Especially not now, now that she couldn’t do the most basic of womanly functions. Now that the baby that had forced them together was gone.
A shudder shook her, but no tears came. She raised her knees to her chest and wished she could cry herself to sleep.
* * *
Jessie?” Seth hated to wake her, but he was worried. She had barely gotten out of bed the day before. Now it was nearly lunchtime and she hadn’t been up at all.
The doctor had said there would be mental and physical adjustments, and now Seth understood what he meant. Jessie was depressed, not at all the vivacious girl he had fallen in love with.
Maybe if he could get her up and interested in doing other things, that depression would pass and the healing could begin.
Gary had also told him that there was no reason for her not to be able to get pregnant again. “Give it a few months and then you can start trying again.”
Seth hadn’t bothered to point out to him that he and Jessie hadn’t been trying to have a baby in the first place. But now that the opportunity was gone, he realized just how much he had been looking forward to being a father and raising a child with Jessie at his side.
He lightly shook her shoulder. “Jessie,” he said again. “I made you some coffee.”
She stirred and finally sat up in the bed. The covers fell around her hips and he noticed she still had on the same clothes as the day before. Seeing her like this broke his heart. He would do anything to bring that light back into her eyes.
Give it time.
He handed her the cup and watched as she took a sip.
“What time is it?”
“Eleven thirty.”
“In the morning?”
He gave her a gentle smile. “Yes.”
She nodded, then took another sip of her coffee. “I guess I don’t have to nurse this cup now, huh? I can have all the caffeine I want.”
He didn’t know what to say to that. “How about I make you some bre
akfast?”
She shook her head. “Thanks anyway.”
“Will you come sit on the porch swing with me?”
For a split second he thought she would tell him no, but then she gave a quick nod. “Don’t you have to go to work?”
“I took a couple of days off. Dusty can handle it.”
“What about Chester and Amos?”
“There are some things that are more important than a half-a-century-old family feud.”
His heart soared when she smiled. It was a sad smile, but the first one he had seen from her in over two days and he was thankful.
“Come on,” he said. “Let’s go enjoy the day.”
* * *
She couldn’t say that she enjoyed the day. She felt listless and sad. She was numb. There was no baby. The baby that had brought her and Seth together was no more. Where did that leave them?
But she had to snap out of it.
“Are you sure you’ll be okay today?”
“Yeah.” She tucked her hair behind her. “I thought I might go over to Meemaw’s and start packing up.”
Joy chased concern across his face. “Are you up for that?”
She wasn’t, but she knew that she needed to put some effort into moving forward. Or at least pretending that she was. Maybe if she pretended hard enough, it would come true. “It’s time,” was all she said.
Thankfully Seth didn’t question her about it.
If he was pretending alongside her, then surely they both couldn’t be wrong.
She managed to drag herself into the shower and put on clean clothes. But before she went into the kitchen she had to sit down and rest. She could do this. She had to do this.
One foot in front of the other and soon it wouldn’t seem so hard.
Her first stop was at the liquor store to pick up some boxes.
Shonda Preston was behind the counter. “Jessie McAllen,” she greeted her as she walked through the door. “Oh, wait, I guess you’re a Langston now,” Shonda corrected herself. Her father owned the store and she had always felt that she had an edge over everyone in their class. Of course, now that they were all over twenty-one, that edge was gone and Shonda was in search of another one.
“Yeah,” Jessie said. “I’m looking for some boxes.”
“Trouble between you and Seth already?”
“I’m cleaning out my grandmother’s house.” Why was everyone in this town so mean?
“Oh.” Shonda nodded. “Come around back, and I’ll see what I have.”
Half an hour later, Jessie pulled up to her grandmother’s house and cut the engine. She wasn’t ready for this. Too many changes, too much loss. Seth had told her to wait a couple more days and he would come with her. Dusty had gone to training in San Angelo and would be back by then, but she wanted to do this alone. It was her responsibility, and she was tired of postponing the inevitable.
She sighed. It had to be done.
The porch steps creaked as she made her way up to the porch and let herself into the house. It smelled the same, like cigarettes and menthol.
“Meemaw, I’m home,” she said to no one in particular.
Everything was just as she had left it. Somewhere in the back of her mind, she’d hoped that it wouldn’t be as bad as it was. She didn’t know where to start. She walked into the kitchen. Some things could be donated to charity. She wasn’t up to a garage sale. Or maybe that was the answer: pull everything out into the yard and take the best offer.
She didn’t need the dishes. Or the pots and pans. She poured a glass of water from the tap and gave a drink to the four little pots of herbs that grew in the windowsill. She should take them back home with her.
Home. This used to be home, but now she lived with Seth. For how long?
She had been mulling it over for days. Seth was a noble man. He had said forever and that was what he would deliver. But was forever in their cards?
It wasn’t. She knew that. This morning with Shonda was a prime example. Jessie didn’t belong here, the one place she had lived all her life. It was time for her to go. She knew that.
She needed to get her money together and get out as she had always dreamed. Only then Seth could go on in the life that was truly destined to be his.
She hadn’t decided where she wanted to go. That would have to be her first decision. Then get her job back at Chuck Wagon. Seth wouldn’t like it, but he couldn’t cry pregnancy as a reason for her to be a housewife. With any luck, she’d have enough to leave by the beginning of the year.
She opened the cabinets and started pulling out the cans of food. Take them back to the old ranch house or donate them to the food bank? The thought of lugging them out to the Diamond sounded like way too much effort. Not when she could load them up in paper grocery sacks and leave them on the porch for someone else to deal with.
She stacked all the can goods on the countertop, then started for the cabinets holding the dishes. She stacked them next to the canned goods, then reached for the coffee cups.
* * *
Jessie went into town every day for two weeks. She got up each morning and took a shower, shared a cup of coffee with Seth on the porch, then drove behind him all the way to Cattle Creek. Seth had never felt more separated from her.
“Chester,” Seth started, doing his best to defuse the situation. “Why would Amos come over in the middle of the night and paint your mailbox pink?”
Better yet, why would he want to?
“I know he did it.” The elderly man spat to one side, and Seth winced as the old birddog dodged to avoid it.
“I’ll talk to him,” Seth promised. “Just do me a favor.”
The old man thought about it a minute, then gave a quick nod. “What?”
“Don’t retaliate.” He had too much to do to have to run back over here because Chester was missing his mailbox.
“Bah.” Amos waved him away with one hand, then hobbled back to his front porch. A shotgun sat propped up next to his rocking chair.
“And put that gun away.”
“Rabbits,” Amos said without turning around.
Please, Lord, let that be all he’s shooting at.
His cell phone jangled as he slid back into his service vehicle. He grabbed it up as he pointed his truck back toward town.
“How’s Jessie?” his mother asked without preamble.
Seth bit back a sigh. “Healing,” he said. Such a lie. He didn’t know what was going on in Jessie’s head. He hadn’t been by her grandmother’s house to see if she had made any progress. He just knew that she was going there every day, and every day it seemed that the chasm between them was bigger than the day before.
“Why don’t the two of you come out to the house tonight for supper? Grandma Esther is making chicken enchiladas.”
“That sounds good.” He wasn’t sure if he could get Jess out of the house, but he would do everything in his power to. Maybe a night out was exactly what they needed.
Maybe this weekend he would take her into Midland. Maybe catch dinner someplace nice and a movie, her choice. He had let her wallow in her grief long enough. Now it was time to move forward.
“We’ll be there,” he said, then turned his truck down Larkspur Lane.
Her Jeep was out front when he pulled into the gravel driveway. The house looked so different to him now. Yet the only thing that had changed was that Naomi McAllen was no longer there.
He took the steps two at a time and let himself inside. “Jessie,” he called, his gaze bouncing around the room. For a moment he wondered if the house had been burglarized. Most the pictures were off the walls; knickknacks were stacked in boxes and strewn about the floor. Papers littered the rug between the rooms. “Jessie?”
She came out of the kitchen. “Seth? What are you doing here?”
“I came by to see how you w
ere doing.” His gaze bounced off the mess spread out in front of him. “Do you need some help? I told you I would give you a hand.”
She shook her head. “I’ve got it under control.”
“Yeah, sure looks like it.”
Wrong thing to say. Immediately her hackles were up, but facing her anger was much more satisfying than dealing with her indifference. Perhaps she was healing after all.
“This isn’t easy, you know.”
“I know.”
“Coming here every day and trying to decide what to keep and what to give away. These are her things.”
“I know.”
“I can’t go into her room. I can’t go into the nursery.”
And now they were at the crux of the problem.
“Do you want me to take a couple of days off and come and help you?”
“Don’t you understand?” Tears rose into her eyes. It was the first time he’d seen her cry since she lost the baby. He wasn’t sure if it was a good thing or a bad one. “She’s gone.”
“I know.” He moved toward her, needing to comfort her, let her cry, then dry her tears.
She flung herself into his arms, clutching him to her as if he were a lifeline and she was going down for the last time.
“It’s okay, Jessie.” He smoothed a hand over her hair. “We’ll hire someone to pack everything up. We can store it all in the barn until you’re ready to sort through it, okay?”
As quickly as she grabbed him, she let him go. “I’m okay.” She dabbed at her eyes, but as she wiped the tears away, they reappeared.
“You’re not.” He wanted to hold her in his arms once again, but even as he reached for her, she took a step back. “Maybe you should go talk to someone.”
She shook her head. “I said I’m fine.” Her chin tilted to that stubborn angle he knew so well. Her shoulders straightened, and her eyes blazed with determination.
“I just need a little more time.”
“I know.” He tried his best to sound supportive, but he had his doubts.
Yeah, she would be fine. But what would happen to them in the meantime?
* * *
Mama invited us to the ranch tonight for supper,” he said when he got home later that evening. It had been a helluva day. After the incident with Chester and Amos and his time with Jessie at her grandmother’s house, there had been a problem at Manny’s. At least this time neither Jessie nor Chase was involved. Thank heaven for small miracles.