“Jerry stole Cillian’s phone.” Griffin averted his gaze. “Do you want fuzzy pajamas tonight or the flannel ones Aidan grabbed for you?”
I blankly stared at him, frustration threatening to bubble over. “You can’t keep doing this.”
“What’s that?”
“Treating me as if I’m going to break.”
“I … that’s not what I’ve been doing,” Griffin argued, gently lifting me from the counter and placing me on the floor. “I’ll get the fuzzy pajamas.”
I couldn’t take another second of this. I followed Griffin into the bedroom, planted my hands on my hips, and glared at his back as he sorted through the dresser.
“I’m not fragile,” I called to his back, keeping my voice even and free of recrimination. Even though tears were close to the surface because I was emotional I refused to let them fall. I didn’t want to emotionally handcuff him. It didn’t seem fair. “I know you’re worried that you’re going to break me if you yell … or get a little rough … or even touch me like you used to touch me. I see it on your face, so there’s no sense denying it.”
“I don’t think you’re fragile,” Griffin clarified, strategically keeping his back to me. “I think that you’re still recovering. When you’re ready for a full-blown fight I think we’ll both know.”
I was ready. “Griffin, I love you.”
“I love you, too.” The answer was automatic.
“Yes, well, I love you, but right now I hate you.”
Griffin’s shoulders stiffened. I waited as he slowly turned. His eyes were cloudy, unreadable, when they locked with mine. “Excuse me?”
“I love you more than anything.” I meant the words as I stared him down, defiant. “There are times I watch you sleep. Did you know that? You snore a bit. It’s nothing major, but I always find it entertaining. Anyway, I watch you sleep and I enjoy it. It doesn’t happen often, but it’s a little girlfriend treat I can call my own.
“The thing is, I haven’t been able to watch you sleep since this happened,” I continued, wetting my lips. “Whenever I wake up in the middle of the night and think I’ll be able to sneak a peek you’re already watching me. You sit there in the dark … and you stare.”
“I hardly think … .”
I cut him off with a wave of my finger. “You’re not sleeping because you’re afraid to stop watching me. You’re hyper-vigilant. You search every shadow for threats you believe you’ll have to fight off. You dote on me – which was fine at the beginning, because I did feel weak and I know we both needed a little time together to regroup – but it’s not okay now. I’m fine.”
Griffin pressed his lips together and remained silent.
“I’m fine,” I repeated, raising my voice.
Griffin didn’t move a muscle.
“I’m fine!” I bellowed it this time, causing his shoulders to jolt. “Look at me, will you?” I strode to the space in front of him and stared directly into his eyes. “I’m okay. I survived. I’m not going to suddenly stop breathing or die when you’re not looking. You have got to stop treating me as if I’m breakable.”
“Is something wrong? I heard yelling.” Redmond poked his head into my room, his eyes widening when he saw Griffin and I facing off. “Should I get Dad?”
“If you get anyone I’ll put my foot up your behind and force you to walk around as if it’s a fashion accessory,” I barked. “This has nothing to do with you. We’re having an argument. Go to bed … or do whatever it is you do before going to bed.”
“I usually watch porn,” Redmond replied dryly.
“Then do that.”
“I can’t do that after being in my sister’s bedroom. That’s gross.”
“Redmond, I will kill you!” I was very close to losing it when I shrieked. Redmond didn’t miss the fire in my eyes.
“I’d say you’re back to normal, huh?” Instead of being upset, Redmond looked relatively happy. “I’m glad.”
“Do you see we’re in the middle of something?” Griffin snapped, jerking his head in Redmond’s direction. “I’m sorry, but … get out!”
“And stay out,” I added, quirking my eyebrows for emphasis.
Redmond glanced between us for a second, as if undecided, and then curtly nodded and retreated from the room, shutting the door behind him.
When it was just the two of us I turned my attention back to Griffin and picked up where I’d left off. “I know it’s hard for you. And I’ve tried to be patient. You seem to forget that I sat by your bedside when you were hurt. I felt the same feelings you did when you worried I wouldn’t wake up. I survived the same fear.”
“It’s not the same thing,” Griffin argued.
“It’s exactly the same thing.”
“It’s not.”
“It is.”
“It’s not!” Griffin finally let his anger seep through one of the cracks in his calm façade. “It’s not the same thing, Aisling. I got knocked out. You never thought I was going to die. You didn’t live with the threat of your entire life being ripped away from you.”
“You’re forgetting who you’re dealing with,” I argued primly. “I convinced myself that you were already dead because they wouldn’t let me sit in the room with you.”
Griffin snorted, shaking his head. “Aisling … .” He clutched his hands at his sides and stared at the ceiling for a moment. “I’m about to tell you something that doesn’t make me look good. I don’t know how to make you understand if I don’t tell you, though.”
“That sounds serious.”
“It is serious,” Griffin confirmed. “I know you grew up with brothers and pride yourself on thinking like a guy, but what I’m about to say is going to make me look so sexist that you’ll probably run screaming from the room.”
“I think it’s sexist to assume I’m a screamer because I’m a girl,” I countered.
Griffin shot me a dirty look. “Do you have to be so difficult?”
“Yes.”
Griffin heaved a sigh. “The reason I’ve been so … off … isn’t just that you were hurt. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not happy you got hurt. I’ve gotten relatively used to it. It’s not just getting hurt. It’s that … well … I should be protecting you.”
He let the words out with a whoosh, as if relieved to finally be free of the burden associated with carrying them.
“Why should you be protecting me?” I asked calmly.
“Because … I’m the man.”
“Ah.” I expected that answer. Well, to be fair, I didn’t expect him to own up to the failing. I recognized it in Griffin because all of my brothers boasted it, even Aidan who wanted to be Jerry’s hero. Jerry was the only guy I knew who was comfortable not saving the damsel in distress. In fact, when we were kids, he was more often the princess and I was the prince. I recognized how Griffin felt, but I couldn’t help but be surprised that he admitted it.
“‘Ah?’ That’s all you have to say?” Griffin cocked a challenging eyebrow. “I thought you would scream, yell and stomp.”
“Why?”
“I … .” Griffin broke off, helpless, and held his hands palms up.
“I think it’s a man thing. You can’t hide from your feelings,” I offered, patting his shoulder. “My brothers suffer from Hero Derangement Syndrome, too. It’s not a big deal.”
“It’s not that I have to be a hero,” Griffin protested, annoyance strangling his voice. “You almost died and I wasn’t there. You rested in that hospital bed for days and there wasn’t a thing I could do to keep you safe. You’re my heart, and it’s my job to protect you. I fell down on the job. This is my fault.”
I stared at him a moment, unsure what to say. Then common sense reared its ugly head. “That’s such crap.”
Griffin hopped back as if I’d struck him. “Excuse me? That’s how I feel. I thought we were talking about feelings.”
“We are, but that’s such a load of crap I’m not even sure how to start making fertilizer out of it,” I sa
id, shaking my head. “It’s not your job to keep me from harm. No one person can keep another person out of trouble twenty-four hours a day – especially me – and I find it insulting that you think that’s your responsibility.”
Griffin crossed his arms over his chest and narrowed his eyes. “How so?”
“Well, for starters, I’m not a child.”
“Your reaction to Angelina’s visit tonight seems to prove otherwise.”
“There!” I was triumphant as I extended a finger, thrilled that Griffin took the opportunity to get a jab in. “That’s how you should be treating me. I stole Cillian’s phone and invited a known slut into the house without telling anyone but Jerry. I should be flogged.”
“Maybe later,” Griffin said dryly, shaking his head. “Aisling, I get what you’re saying. If you think I’m happy about following you around as if I’m a lost puppy and you have the chow, well, I’m not. I can’t seem to help myself. I’m sorry.”
“Because you think I can’t take care of myself?”
“No. Because you’re mine and I love you so very much it will kill me if something happens to you.”
It was a simple and heartfelt answer that caused my stomach to roll. “I love you, too. Believe it or not, I know what it’s like to worry about someone. You were hurt helping me do my job. I blamed myself for that … with good reason. That’s beside the point, though.
“You have a job that requires you to leave every weekday morning for a city that is known the world over for being dangerous,” I continued. “I may fight reapers and wraiths, but on the whole, you’re in much more danger. Detroit has more murders … knifings … robberies … carjackings … you name it … than anything I’ve come up against.”
Griffin balked. “That’s different.”
“It’s not.” I shook my head for emphasis. “Do you think I’ll love you less if a murderer kills you rather than a wraith? Do you think my mourning will be easier if a random accident rather than something supernatural claims you?”
“No, but … I can’t change who I am.” Griffin looked pained as he rested his hand on my shoulder. “You fell in love with a cop. You knew that going in.”
“And I accept it,” I said, never moving my eyes from his face. “Last time I checked, you fell in love with a reaper. Now, granted, we’ve been dealing with some odd stuff – a mirror monster being only the tip of the iceberg – but it’s still the same thing.”
“It’s different because I’m supposed to take care of you.” Griffin tucked a strand of hair behind my ear. “I want to marry you. I told you that. Actually, I need to rephrase that. I am going to marry you. It’s going to happen. I promise you. I need to be able to take care of my wife. I’m pretty sure that’s the law … or a rule … or at least an unstated expectation.”
“Only if you’re a sexist pig.”
Griffin shrugged. “Then I guess I’m a sexist pig. What do you want me to say to that? I can’t change it. In my heart, I need to take care of you.”
“You have taken care of me,” I shot back. “You sat with me for hours when I was stuck in the hospital. It was your voice that drew me back. Don’t you understand that? I wouldn’t be here if I hadn’t heard you. Cillian thinks that it was some sort of spell and there’s a good chance I never would’ve recovered if I didn’t climb out of that hole myself.”
“That doesn’t exactly make me feel better,” Griffin drawled. “In fact, it makes me feel worse.”
“And it makes me feel incredibly hopeful,” I said, internally smirking as surprise flooded his features. “I was unconscious and under a spell, yet my heart knew I had to find you. I did. I was strong enough to do that … and you were strong enough to call to me. Doesn’t that give you hope?”
“I … .” Griffin worked his jaw as he considered the question. “I guess I never thought of it that way.”
“I know you didn’t, but you need to,” I argued. “We’ve hitched our death wagons to each other, so to speak. We’ve both decided that we need to be together and nothing else will do. That means we have to accept everything about the other person or we’ll fail. Is that what you want?”
Griffin shook his head, earnest. “I don’t want to fail. I already failed you. You got hurt when I should’ve realized you were a target and protected you. I won’t let that happen again.”
“You didn’t fail me,” I argued. “We couldn’t possibly have known what was happening at the time. It was unexpected. Life throws unexpected things at you all of the time. That’s the nature of the beast. You can’t blame yourself for this. It will kill us if you do … and I don’t want that to happen before we get to the really good stuff.”
Griffin stared at me a moment, silent. Then his lips twitched and I knew everything would be okay … at least for tonight. “What’s the really good stuff?”
“Everything that comes next,” I replied, grinning. “I can feel it’s going to be good. Can’t you?”
“I … .” Griffin bobbed his head. “Every moment with you – even the ones that should be bad – make me happy.”
“Then you have to let go of the guilt and stop policing my every move,” I supplied. “You didn’t cause this. Heck, for once, I didn’t cause this either. It was an accident. No one saw it coming.”
“I know. It’s just … I’m not going to be able to go on without you.”
“If we play our cards right you won’t have to,” I pointed out. “That doesn’t mean I can sit back and watch you blame yourself. I also can’t put up with the constant babysitting. I’m a grown woman and I’m fine. I can take care of myself.”
“You can take care of yourself most of the time,” Griffin clarified. “As for babysitting … perhaps I’ve been taking things a bit too far.”
“That’s like saying Charles Manson is a bit crazy.”
“Don’t push it.”
I smiled as I leaned forward and rested my forehead against his. “I promise I’ll do my very best to never leave you. I’m a narcissist. I don’t want to leave myself as much as I don’t want to be without you.”
Griffin snickered as he wrapped his arms around me. “I love you so much it hurts sometimes. I don’t mean to smother you.”
“You haven’t smothered me. It’s time to ease up just a bit, though. Dad isn’t going to let me do anything stupid even if you relax and get some sleep. You need the sleep. I know you haven’t exactly been getting the rest that you need.”
“How do you know that?”
“As I told you at the beginning of this argument, when I wake up in the middle of the night you’re always watching me.”
Griffin’s cheeks colored. “I was hoping you’d think that was a dream and not remember.”
“I remember everything where you’re concerned.” That was mostly true. “You need to rest and relax. You need to let go of the guilt. We need it. You can’t do that until you stop blaming yourself. You didn’t do this. No one did it. Sometimes things just happen.”
“I don’t want them to happen to you.”
“And I don’t want them to happen to you,” I countered. “But we don’t always get what we want. All we can promise to do is our very best. I promise to do my very best by you.”
Griffin heaved a heavy sigh and closed his eyes. “I promise to do my very best by you, too.”
“I know.” I waited a beat. “Now … get naked. I want to see what this ‘very best’ looks like when you’re feeling inspired.”
Griffin chuckled, giving in to my whims. “You’re very bossy when you want to be.”
“You ain’t seen nothin’ yet, honey.”
“Be still my heart.”
26
Twenty-Six
I woke before Griffin the next morning, and for the first time in days it wasn’t because he pretended to sleep to make sure I remained comfortable for as long as possible. He was really out, dead to the world. His rhythmic breathing was deep and soothing. I ran my hand over his bare chest, enjoying the way it rose and
fell under my hand. I pressed my ear to his chest to hear the steady drumming of his heart.
This is how mornings should be in our world.
I knew when consciousness reclaimed him by the small hitch in his breath. I waited for the inevitable, for him to crash back to Earth and demand to know how I felt. Instead he merely stroked the back of my head and sighed.
“Morning, baby.”
“Good morning.” I tilted my chin so it rested on his chest and I met his gaze. “How did you sleep?”
“Heavy.”
I waited for him to ask the question, telling myself that it wouldn’t represent a backslide. He didn’t, though. He merely smiled.
“You look good. Rested.”
I widened my eyes. “I feel good. I … feel really good.”
“I’m glad.”
I waited a bit longer. “You look happy,” I noted finally, letting the last of my qualms escape on a heavy exhale.
“I’m always happy with you.”
I snorted. “Not always.”
“Mostly.”
“I’m mostly happy, too.”
“I know.” Griffin cupped the back of my head and gave me a soft kiss before stretching. “You seem to have your energy back if last night was any indication. In another few days you’ll be back to a hundred percent.”
“I’m there now. But don’t tell anyone, because it will be difficult to milk extra Christmas treats out of Dad if he thinks I’m fine.”
Griffin made a wry face. “That’s not even remotely true, and we both know it. He wants to spoil you rotten this Christmas, and he will. There’s no sense arguing with him.”
“Why would you argue with him for spoiling me? That seems like a stupid thing to disagree about.”
Griffin chuckled, genuinely amused. “Perhaps I want to spoil you this Christmas. Have you ever considered that?”
I tilted my head to the side and shrugged. “There’s no rule that says you both can’t spoil me.”
Grim Holiday (Aisling Grimlock Book 6) Page 24