“Nothing.” She admitted it easily. She knew she could tell him anything. It was one of many major differences in the two relationships. “I wanted to tell him in person.”
“Understood.” His eyes shifted to the ocean, and then back to her. “I should be there.”
“No. This conversation needs to happen between Scott and me. I’m ending this, because our relationship is that of roommates. We’re not even friends anymore. It’s like the day we slept together, our friendship went away.” She pursed her lips. Finally she said, “Promise me…that you’ll never stop talking to me, wanting me, craving me…”
“Or loving you. I promise.” He pointed to the sand. “Can you sit down for a minute?”
She checked her watch. She had six minutes until they needed to begin his workout.
They sat down side-by-side.
“I have been in a similar situation. I was dating a girl and she ended up marrying my Teammate. It’s common enough when you’re all lumped in together. You know how it is; it’s complicated when one brings people, mates, and lovers into Team life.” His fingers stroked the underside of her arm. “When you meet the one you cannot seem to live without that makes coming home worthwhile and exciting. And when you can see this person standing beside you for all time, it is impossible to let go. I feel this for you. It isn’t just love. This is…forever.”
Jessa’s eyes filled with tears. “Me, too. I know in my heart and soul that you are the one meant for me.”
He touched her hand, snagging her fingers, and lightly squeezed them. “We’ll get through this. Let me help. Just tell me what you want me to do.”
She nodded her head. “Sure.” Relief flooded her system. She wasn’t in this situation alone. Lincoln had her back.
As they stood, she could still feel the lead weight in her stomach tormenting her gut. The sand beneath their feet shifted and they gave into gravity and let it pull them down the side of the dune and onto the ground.
Whatever was going to happen with Scott, none of it was going to be easy. For now, she would concentrate on work, and that meant giving Lincoln her undivided attention.
*
Putting Lincoln through his paces brought out her evil side. First, the voyeur in her was entertained and then second, the professional in her forced her to specifically identify Lincoln’s limits and push him past them one step at a time. As much as she wanted him to be able to lift a few fingers of joy in her direction later, she knew he was going to be totaled by the time they were done.
Watching Lincoln peel off his sweat-soaked shirt and toss it on the chair next to the door gave her a certain satisfaction. Seeing him chug the 16 oz. sports drink let her know he was pretty spent, too.
“Jeez, Jessa, you really put him through the wringer,” said Jim looking over Link’s chart. “I was going to cover most of this stuff in our session, but you marched him through your usual regime and mine, too. What do you want me to with him?”
She smiled. “The ‘O’ course. Four runs at top speed.”
“Seriously! You’re going to drop him in his tracks.” Jim shook his head.
She shrugged. “He wants to be the best. It’s our job to get him there. He can take it.”
“How do you know? Have you been running him through extra workouts?” Jim waited patiently for her to answer.
Her eyebrows practically flew into her hairline. What was she supposed to say, yes, we’ve been doing four to six hour or even longer lovemaking sessions every night for a month? Hell, no! She wasn’t compromising Lincoln or herself. Instead, she finally said, “I’ve been watching him. He’s got the stuff. He can hack it.”
With that said, she turned away and went to work on SO-2 Al Kirks, another soul who wanted a chance to compete for the brass ring. In her gut, she knew this guy wouldn’t make it. His dedication to the Teams and training was there, but he was one hundred percent mentally wrapped around his current Teammates. Every conversation began with how he appreciated them; ultimately signaling that he didn’t want to leave his current duty for something else. Command got a bee in its bonnet sometimes about who needed to be where.
Jessa firmly believed where the mind went, the body followed and vice versa. This SEAL was staying put.
She would push him, though, because that was her job. After years of being in a top position, she had a pretty good barometer and her needle was pointing to the truth.
Chapter Six
‡
As the clock struck four, she saw a familiar person out of the corner of her eye. She nearly got whiplash as her head whipped around and saw Scott Goodson standing there. His gear was piled outside the door and he walked up to her and opened his arms.
She gulped down the painful emotion of seeing him and walked slowly into his arms.
Those giant appendages snapped tight and hugged her until she made a sound of protest.
When he pulled back, she made sure that he could see the emotion in her eyes. “I’m working.”
He nodded. “I know. Thought I’d surprise you. Got a ride on a jet, straight to NAS. Damn, convenient.”
“Ah, can I meet you at home? I have an appointment waiting for me.” She was embarrassed, angry, sad, and oddly frustrated that Scott was here. “Please, Goody, I need to finish.”
“Sure.” He stepped back from her and looked at Kirks, the sailor across from him. “Should I be jealous of you getting to spend so much time with my lady?”
“No,” thought Jessa. “The guy burning a hole in the back of your head is the one that you should want to lay out.” But, she was never going to let that happen. In her estimation, it had only been a matter of time before she and Scott had a parting of ways. Goody might be good for someone else, but he was an albatross to her.
When Kirks didn’t answer, Goody turned toward the door. Over his shoulder, he said, “I assume the key is in the same place.”
Jessa gritted her teeth and nodded. This display had been more public than she liked. No one brought his or her personal life to work, maybe to the beach or the obstacle course but not here.
Her eyes tracked Goody to the door, outside and past the large window. Her emotions settled into one strong motivating force, completion. Where once she might have been sad or wishy-washy, she had the determination of a marathoner. Today, her world would change.
*
The lights in the gym snapped off. Jessa had stayed late cleaning ever inch of the place as if she had an OCD demon in her soul.
Her fellow consultants had the brains to split as early as possible, leaving her to whatever upheaval was going on inside of her. They knew it was bad, because what individual wouldn’t throw arms around a loved one, hugging tight, to celebrate his or her homecoming and add in a kiss.
Jessa’s response was one of major perturbation or serious bad breath. Regardless, none of them wanted to call her on it; especially her boss, Javitt, who was the first one out the door.
Her nostrils flared as she picked up an odor, a familiar one. She sighed, “Link.” Turning toward him, she rushed into his arms. Tears poured down his cheeks. “I’m such an idiot.”
“No, you’re not.” He held her close, his words comforting her. “Doesn’t he know you hate surprises? Almost as much as you hate butterscotch. How one person can dislike such a likeable flavor is behind me.”
She grinned into his shoulder. “I really don’t like it. I’m not even fond of caramel. Just give me straight chocolate: light, dark, white… Any kind.” Wiping her tears on his shirt, she noticed he had showered. “Sorry.”
“I welcome your smiles and am honored to be here for tears, too.”
So sweet! This man, her man, was a rarity. Her hands sought his face in the darkness. Smooth. He’d shaved for her. Again, his tenderness touched her. She cleared her throat. “You must have finished the “O” course early.”
He chuckled. “I did.” His lips nibbled on her neck. “If you hadn’t been working me so hard this whole month, I might have lost my c
ookies the way Kirks did when you sent him out on his first lap.”
She couldn’t hide her smile, remembering her own experiences and the people who had pushed her. Every soul on this earth experiences pain, when it comes to building strength and stamina. “Poor guy. Did he finish?”
“No,” he said. “Made some excuse and promised to explain it tomorrow. I think he’s hot on the XO’s daughter.”
“You know she’s only seventeen.” Jessa added, surprised at Kirk’s balls to seek out the XO’s daughter. The value of his child was greater than that of his prize Porsche and he wiped the car with a diaper most days he was in town.
“Kirk is twenty. I think he’s waiting another year, before he approaches.” Link moved his lips to the nape of her neck and her train of thought was wavering.
“How long have they been seeing each other?”
“Since they were friends back in school. The XO’s son and Kirks went through BUD/S together.” Large hands cupped her bottom.
She knew she shouldn’t give in, but she needed Lincoln; had to have him inside of her. “Yikes! The Instructors are hell on legacies.”
“I can testify to that! What doesn’t kill us makes us tougher,” said Lincoln as his mouth covered hers. Being known as a legacy during BUD/S had almost killed him. The instructors had pushed him so hard that he spent most of his nights taping the blisters on his feet together and stuffing his body with as much food as he could consume. During the day, he’d gritted his teeth and taken whatever they dished out.
In truth, those phase instructors probably did him a favor. He could handle practically anything that came his way, with the one exception of Jessa. She blew his mind daily and he craved her as if she were manna from heaven.
Yes, it does, she thought. It makes us a helluva a lot stronger.
Link lifted her into his arms and then walked forward until the edge of his foot hit the mat. She could feel the vibration and then the air whooshing around them as they dropped onto the gym pads.
Ever the gentleman, he turned them to the side so that he took the brunt of the force. Honestly, she wouldn’t have noticed. She was too busy pulling the clothes off of his body and running her hands over his flesh.
There was something so primal about skin on skin. The sensation of male flesh rubbed along the softness of her own; it was vitally important and precious. She could barely contain herself as he slid on a condom and gently pushed his way inside of her.
“More. Faster.” She didn’t want gentle. She wanted it hard and edgy, extreme and frantic, just like she felt right now. “I need you to fuck me, not make love to me.”
He stilled. His hands moved to her face. They cradled her cheeks. “No. It will never be anger or rage driving this moment. We fuck with passion for each other or make love. But this tension…you’ve got a lot of emotion about Scott. If you need to take it out on him, do so, but this…this time together is for us. You need to know that when I’m inside you, it’s because I want to be there and I want it to be you. You need to honor me the same way.”
“Damn.” She turned her face into his cheek. She rubbed her lips against the palm of his hand and then kissed it. “You’re right. I’m sorry.” Leaning her forehead against his, she said, “One of the main reasons we’re together is the way you call me on my own shit.”
He laughed. “The same way you call me on mine.”
Their kisses were confirmation of their forgiveness as the lovemaking took a heated turn. She fed all of her desire into him, and it was hours before either of them left the other’s side. Jessa knew being with Lincoln was right, she just wasn’t eager for the fight with her past self and the entanglement to Scott therein.
Chapter Seven
‡
Jessa took a long slow breath before she put the key in the door lock and turned it. Two hours had passed since the gym closed and it was likely that Scott knew that fact. Of course, the man hadn’t been back here in her apartment for a while, perhaps he thought things had changed.
She pushed open the door. Light spilled out onto the landing. She stepped inside and closed the door.
Placing her purse on the chair by the door and putting her keys on the ring above it, she glanced into the next room. Scott was sitting in a chair in front of the TV. No sound. She could the flashes of light moving across his face.
“Jessie, you’re home.” He sounded groggy. “Guess the jet lag got me. In Dubai one day and then traveling across the world toward Coronado on the next.” He gestured toward the table.
Her eyes widened as she saw the large box. He wouldn’t propose, would he? If he did, she going to hurl for sure.
Nerves tightened her body, and the flight and fight instincts were warring inside of her.
She picked up the box and opened it. The hinges protested and she found herself looking down at a key.
Scott stood up and opened his arms. “Hawaii, babe! We’re going to freaking Oahu!” His hips swayed as he did a little dance. “A new boat team is being put together that’s going to work directly with the Marine Mammals and I’m the lead on this one. This is a dream come true.”
“W-w-what?” She hadn’t expected this. Nothing on this earth would have made her think Scott would suggest this. “I…”
He held up his hands. “Just listen to me. I’ve got it all worked out. I talked to all the right people. Got you a job at the VA. Now, I know it’s not exactly what you want, but you’re on the list to move into a spot on base. You just need to give it a little time.”
Her mouth was open. She could feel herself trying to make sounds, but nothing came out.
He grabbed her hand and led her to couch, sitting down beside her. “Just think of it, you can have dinner waiting for me every night. I like the idea of you doing your ‘Happy Homemaker’ impression and I won’t deploy at all during my three-year stint. We can wake up together and be on the exact same schedule. Isn’t it ideal?”
Her voice came back suddenly, as she spat out. “Is that what you want?”
“Absolutely!” Scott stood up and paced back and forth. He seemed almost manic. “I realized that I’ve left you alone quite a lot and I need to step up and change how we are living our lives. Hell, we’re engaged.” He wagged his finger at her. “Better start acting like it or why did we do it?” He leaned over her. “Where is your ring?”
She stood up and walked into the bedroom. She opened her top drawer and took it.
Cracking the lid, she peered inside at the stone. She wanted to feel excitement, begged herself to be thrilled by the notion of marrying Scott Goodson, but that emotion had never been associated with this stone. Only the need for obligation was wrapped around this lovely setting. She snapped the box closed and walked quickly into the other room.
Sitting back down on the couch, she put the ring on the table. “Scott, why did you ask me to marry you?”
“You know why?”
She paused for a few seconds and then shook her head. “I don’t.”
“Really? You need me to explain it.” He looked flabbergasted.
“Yes.” She scooted to the edge of the cushion and leaned forward. “Do you love me?”
“Yeah.”
“What does love mean to you?”
His face reddened. “I don’t understand. If you don’t want to move Hawaii, just tell me.”
“I need you to answer my question first, and then I’ll explain myself to you. What is love?” She had to lead him to the path, get him to see the problem in their relationship or rather, the truth of their lack of a real connection.
“Fine. Love is someone being there.” He sat down in the chair adjacent to her. He was clearly angry.
“Do you know it has been three and a half years since we had sex?”
He lifted his arm and then set it back down. “You know I use my energy differently.”
“I don’t believe you. Tell me the truth!” She couldn’t take any more lies. “Have you been with anyone else?”
Scott looked away, and then he stood and walked purposefully into the kitchen. “Do you want a beer?”
“No,” she said, awareness soaking into every fiber of her being. This was the truth. Her fiancé was sleeping with other people. Why did the information shock her…only a little? Because she’d known the truth in her gut for a long time, she realized. And, being with Lincoln had given the courage to fight for a solid relationship and for love. She knew the difference now between a faked experience and the real deal. “Who?”
He popped the top of the can and took a long sip and came back into the room. “She’s a foreign national. Does it really matter?”
She nodded her head. “It all counts.” Someone cannot go without human contact for days, months, or even years on end. It’s impossible!
You did, her mind echoed; at least until recently. Words burst from her mouth. “Why her and not me?”
“I…you…” His lower lip quivered. “We didn’t…we don’t think of each other that way.”
“We did at one time.” Hadn’t we? Being with him seemed like such a distant dream.
Scott looked deflated. “We’ve had sex less than a dozen times over our entire relationship. Didn’t you think it was strange that we would be months apart from each other? I made up that…excuse…to protect your feelings, because every time we were together it was like being with a—”
She closed her eyes. She knew he couldn’t bring himself to say it. “A sister.”
“Yes.” He whispered the one word. “I’m sorry, Jessa. I just can’t let go of you.”
Why hadn’t she faced this issue sooner? What had she been afraid of, disappointing him or changing her own life?
She frowned. She wasn’t going to go down that self-reflection path right bow. This was the opportunity she needed to make a clean break and allow them both to move on. She licked her lips. “What else? I can tell you need to say something more to me.”
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