“I’ll tell you if it hurts, T.J. But right now, I don’t want to talk anymore. I want you inside me. No more questions, T.J., if you’re okay with doing this. No more,” she said in her silken voice. She lifted her head off the pillow to plant a long kiss on him, sucking his tongue inside as she rubbed her sex against his thigh. “Please, T.J., I need you inside me.”
He didn’t want to press down on her abdomen, so was careful to brace himself, which was no problem. Her writhing form beneath him, the touch of her belly against his abdomen was actually a turn-on he hadn’t expected. His cock ran the length of her and then found her opening and he stopped.
He wanted to watch her eyes while he penetrated her. He wanted them to look at each other. This was not his usual way. But this time was different. He wanted the reality of what they were doing to be front and center. It needed to happen in the full light of the day, without the excuse of alcohol and without the intense foreplay and occasional light bondage he usually liked.
He wanted this woman because she was carrying his best friend’s child, and because he’d promised to protect and defend, and take care of her. He wanted to fulfill his promise, and to receive something in return. He wanted it to change him, and thought perhaps it might excise his demons.
He leaned forward on his forearms at the side of her face, rubbed his thumbs across her lips and her eyelids and kissed them one by one while he crouched and angled himself to push gently inside her. As he did, little by little, he saw it in her eyes, all the pain for the past and the love for the future. All at once. Right there in her eyes. He gave himself to her in every way he could.
He’d never wanted to mate with a woman this way. Bring her pleasure, rock her world and be the man she could depend on. He wanted that. As he rooted, carefully at first, she accepted him deep. He felt no hesitation as he rhythmically drew in and out, changing the speed but pulling the edge off it. He poured intensity into the slow slapping of their bodies, the feel of every surface of her skin, the little moans and whimpers of her soul. He wanted her to bring it all on, full force. Like a fire hose. He wanted to take all of her.
He didn’t know what to expect, but gradually her body slipped into a long rolling orgasm that triggered his own. She rolled her shoulders up so she could look at their joining. He kissed her belly as she ran her fingers through his hair, massaging his temples. He kissed her nipples and she arched backward, her head falling back into the bed. His spurting inside her was prolonged, and he knew she could feel every drop.
Her eyes filled with tears that spilled over onto the vanilla-colored pillows underneath her.
“Everything okay, baby?”
“It couldn’t be better,” she whispered. “I thought I had no right to this. But he’s here.”
T.J. wasn’t sure he was going to like what she would say next.
“I know he’s here. I know this is what he’d want, T.J.”
He remembered Frankie saying that very thing, but he also knew he would never be able to tell her that. His hand smoothed over her engorged abdomen again. He loved the feel of the taut skin under his fingertips and palm. He agreed with her, he’d believed he had no right to this.
But also he knew he’d belonged here all along.
Chapter Ten
‡
Right now her body was sensitive everywhere. The changes in her hormone levels, the softening of her bones and toughening up of her nipples in preparation for birthing a baby and giving succor, mixed with wonderful glow of a new love…not only growing inside her belly, but also in her heart, as she learned to accept the reality that she could expand that heart, open it to include T.J.
She could love Frankie and all that Frankie had meant to her, even including her occasional regrets, and she could love his child. But she found room in there for T.J. as well. T.J. would be her forever man now. She was certain Frankie would approve. That was important to her.
They didn’t speak of it while he helped her into the shower. As he smoothed the lemon shower gel over her body and kissed the back of her neck, he didn’t speak of it. As she rubbed gel on his upper chest, down his shoulders, as she smoothed over his stiff cock, over his thighs, as she took him into her mouth, soap and all, kneeling before him, having him palm his way down her back to press fingers into her cleft and squeeze her buttocks, they didn’t speak of it.
When he took her from behind, pressing her carefully against the tiled surface of a shower stall barely big enough for both of them, as she wanted him more after his release than before they’d started, they didn’t speak of it.
Her connection to him was pliable yet solid. Not like rigid bands of steel. It was flexible. The golden threads connecting them grew with every contact of their bodies. The exploration was delicious, and still left her wanting more.
In the mirror she watched him drying her off with one of the white fluffy towels Frankie had bought. He wrapped it around her, put his face next to hers and stared back at her in the reflection. She loved seeing his face next to her own. She wore the blush on her cheeks from his stubble like a badge of honor, and was proud of how they were together, proud of how she felt and how her heart sang.
He was still stargazing at her.
“What?” she said as she turned to face him in the flesh.
“Marry me, Shannon.”
“Oh, my gosh, T.J. Don’t you think it’s too soon?”
“Too soon for what? Look at what we’ve been doing all afternoon.” He stopped her wandering gaze, raising her chin up so he could look at her straight on. “I’m serious as a heart attack, Shannon. Marry me. I won’t rest until you do.”
She loved his relentless attitude, the sure compassion of his voice, and his confidence in a future she was sure had been planned differently than it was presenting today. And she could see he wouldn’t give up until she said yes. This was far from a game for him. He wasn’t the same T.J. who had left on deployment two months ago. This was a man she could marry and live with her whole life.
“It would be my honor, T.J.” As soon as she said it, fear crept in, but T.J. was overjoyed.
“Get dressed. We’re going to go look at wedding rings.”
“No. Not today.”
“Yes, today. Today we tell everyone. Everyone. Your mom and dad, Joe and Gloria.
“You’re so silly. Are you sure?”
“Aren’t you sure, Shannon? Because if you’re not, best to tell me now. Just get it out there and I’ll walk away.” He didn’t smile. She could see he wanted the reassurance, but didn’t want to make it too obvious.
“T.J. we had time together with Frankie’s dad. And now to call them and say we’re getting married, well, I don’t think it shows Frankie the respect he’s owed.”
T.J. got pensive. “Maybe you’re right. Frankie would want us to wait, to be sure. String it out for a year or two. He’d want us to wait until after the baby was born, maybe have you date a few other frogs to make sure you were making the right choice, that sort of thing.” His serious face showed not a hint of humor, but she knew him well enough to know he was just about to bust a gut.
She beamed up at him. “Have all those girls after you, have you dodging the frog hogs and high schoolers, sampling here and there,” she said as she reached for his cock and squeezed it. Her hands were on his thigh as she dropped her towel, went up on her tippy toes, and pressed her big belly into him. “All those lithe young bodies moaning under your strength. The girls you could tie up and cuff.”
T.J. stepped back out of her reach. “Whoa. Wait a minute. Somebody’s been talking out of school.”
“What do you think Frankie was doing after you described what you liked to do to your partners? I heard all about it.” She stepped to him and took his cock in her palms again. “And I expect—after the baby’s born, of course—for you to deliver. I’ve had a preview. I want the full fuckin’ feature.”
Holy shit. Did I just say that?
She realized then and there things were back
to normal in her life, if that was ever possible. She was starting to swear again.
Like a sailor.
Chapter Eleven
‡
In the end, Shannon got her way, holding off telling anyone until they could discuss what they wanted to do. T.J. didn’t care what they did. He was good with all of it.
But in time he felt her hesitation draw out. He began to feel as if he was chasing her. Then he wondered if she was having second thoughts. And finally he got quiet, concerned she thought she’d made a mistake.
When she announced she was going to visit her mother, alone, and they hadn’t told either of the families yet, his worry turned into near panic.
What’s going on with her?
What eventually became clear him was that she had been lonely, extremely lonely. And after she wrapped her mind around the idea that life did go on, that she could go on, suddenly he wasn’t the only fish in the pond. Was she thinking about a different man, a new lover, or had she simply changed her mind about him? Neither was the outcome he’d hoped for.
She hugged him back the morning he took her to the airport. She kissed him, but didn’t try to tantalize him, make it out to be anything more. She was ready to leave and didn’t want to make a scene.
His heart physically ached as he looked at the woman he now knew he loved, carrying a child he knew he could love. Allowing her to walk away was one of the most difficult things he’d ever had to do.
He didn’t get a text from her when he knew she must have landed. Nor did she text him that night, or call in the morning. He was seriously worried about her, so sent her a text.
Are you okay, Shannon?
Five minutes later came her reply. I’m fine. Sorry. Been catching up with my Mom and Dad. Friends.
The word friends struck like a spear through his heart. They’d never talked about her past. He figured Frankie would have told him if there had been an old boyfriend, another man she was being private about. God knew Frankie had told him every detail, from her panty size to what she liked on her corn flakes for breakfast and how she took her coffee.
He ran into Joe at the store one afternoon. “Hey T.J.,” he said with a warm, friendly smile. His compassion and respect for the older man increased. He had not only lost a son but now might be losing his daughter-in-law to another man who was not a part of the Team community. He hadn’t thought it possible he wouldn’t be around to raise Courtney, and he hoped Joe and Gloria wouldn’t also be a casualty. That would totally suck. And it would be so uncharacteristic of her.
But he was almost afraid to mention anything about it until Joe shared news he found very disturbing.
“Heard from her mom, Shannon’s looking at property up north in the Bay Area. I sure hope she doesn’t relocate there, but I guess the Moores are thrilled. Said we could come up and visit any time.”
What? How could this be?
He’d promised he’d look after Shannon, but now it was more than a promise. He wouldn’t be the same without her in his life. To think she was even thinking of moving on without him sank him to the bottom of the ocean.
“Joe, I’m sorry to hear that. We barely had time to get acquainted,” he said to Frankie’s dad.
Joe smiled. “You looked like you were getting along quite well, to my keen old eyes.” T.J. couldn’t look him in the eyes, so stared at his canvas slip-ons.
“Son—” Joe put one hand on T.K.’s shoulder, waiting until he returned his look. “I was going to tell you this a couple of days ago, but now…well, I guess my timing kinda sucks.”
Did T.J. want to know what Joe was about to say to him?
“It was hard losing Frankie. I won’t lie. Probably harder on Gloria. Boy, was he the apple of her eye. She lived for that boy growing up. He never wanted for anything. Anything. I used to lie awake at nights, knowing she was dreaming about our son, planning his life, and worrying about all his needs. My job was to wait. Wait until she came back to me. I knew she would eventually.”
His eyes began to tear up. T.J. nodded, reached over and gave Joe a bear hug. Why had the God of SEALs not given him a father like Joe? Why hadn’t he gotten a father at all? And why did Joe and Gloria have to endure the loss of their boy? It should have been him. T.J. should have been the one to not come home. Frankie’d had so much to live for. Especially now.
After the men patted each other’s backs, Joe wiped the tear away from one eye with a knuckle. He took a deep breath and continued. “I didn’t know I would have to lose my son to get my wife back.”
T.J. felt like a dumbass for being so wrapped up in himself he had missed the obvious pain the Bensons were still feeling. He became more aware than ever before how the cycle of life changed everything with each new addition or deletion. Little Courtney was changing Shannon’s trajectory. Frankie’s exit changed the trajectory of the Bensons’ relationship.
And me? What right do I have to expect anything from these people? Frankie had been on loan to him courtesy of the U.S. Navy. Shannon on loan to him through Frankie. No one owed him an explanation.
There he was, thinking of himself again, when Mr. Benson stood before him, tears streaming down his face. Maybe he couldn’t have Shannon and the child. But there were things he could do.
“Joe, I never had a dad. If you’ll permit me, though I’d be a sorry substitute for Frankie, I’d be honored to be your son.”
The old man looked up at him, his lower lip quivering. He wasn’t able to speak, so T.J. grabbed him again and allowed the man to sob in his arms. Several people passed by them in the cereal section of the grocery store, but T.J. didn’t care what they thought. Giving Joe the loving arms he’d earned was way more important. They could think they were a gay couple, a couple of reconnected family members, or old friends. It made no difference to him. Letting Joe know he wasn’t alone was the most important thing in his life.
The rest would simply have to take care of itself.
T.J. decided to look up his newly-married friend, Tyler Gray. Kate was pregnant, about the same due date as Shannon. He thought perhaps a little Team connection would do him good. They invited him over for a barbecue. Kate didn’t know anything about his connection with Shannon, though everyone assumed they had continued the love-hate relationship they’d had when Frankie was with them.
Kate’s sister from Portland was there, Gretchen. She was in her early thirties, and an attractive, thoughtful lady, composed in spite of always being surrounded by her own little wolf pack of girls. Though it was far from anything he’d experienced, he found a new affinity for family, for connection. He knew Shannon would do what she would do. He couldn’t change that, and if he tried, he’d lose her. He knew he would.
But he still hoped she’d opt for staying in San Diego. Even if she wanted a separate life from his, he could still be a part of Courtney’s life as he’d promised Frankie. He chuckled at the “old, gnarly guy” spying on the probably gorgeous Courtney at her soccer games or dance parties. The one who would take out anyone who as much as touched or looked at her wrong. The guy would be toast.
“So how you holding up, T.K.?” Gretchen asked him after the girls had run into the house to get ice cream.
“There are days which aren’t so good. Most days, I’m okay. Trying not to do anything too stressful, just chilling. We’ll get plenty of stress next deployment.”
Gretchen nodded. He could see how a guy could fall for her. She had a quiet manner, but a wicked sense of humor he’d enjoyed earlier, when she was trying to tell a story at dinner over her three daughters who interrupted her constantly. Surviving the public spectacle of her professional basketball player husband running off with a floozy, and surviving it with grace, added one more jewel in her crown. She was a solid woman.
He put his arm around her. “How you holding up?”
She stiffened, but then leaned into him. “Funny you should ask me that question. No one ever does.”
She looked up at him and, while he didn’t feel a sexua
l spark, he did feel affection for her. She licked her lips, perhaps expected he’d kiss her. “Gretchen,” he said as he squinted, “you and I have to go dancing sometime. Do you like line dancing?”
“Do I?” She leaned back and allowed him the out to remove his arm. “I haven’t been line dancing in years.”
“Then it’s a date. How long are you down here?”
“I go back in three days.”
“That gives us a Friday night. They do a lesson and dancing at the Norwegian Hall on Fridays. Great D.J. Lots of space.”
“You’re serious?” She was smiling, examining his eyes for signs of insincerity. He knew she didn’t find it easy to trust men, and who could blame her?
“As serious as a heart attack,” he said before he could take it back. Images of that day, fixing the playhouse for Shannon and the baby, the lovemaking, all of it came back to him. Along with a double dose of moroseness.
“Hey, T.J. You didn’t ask me to marry you, did you?”
He frowned. “Last I checked, no.”
“So why the long face? It’s only dancing. I’m a good cheap date. I don’t require much. I change partners gracefully, and I won’t expect you to call the next day. But I get lonely, and I think right now you are, too. So let’s get our cowboy boots on and boogie.”
“Done deal, Gretchen.”
And then he kissed her quickly, but Gretchen grabbed his ears and wouldn’t let go until she laid a long, wet kiss on him that did curl his toes.
Well, all right, then.
Chapter Twelve
‡
The neighborhood Shannon grew up in looked the same. She’d ridden her bike up and down the level streets, where the curbs were all rounded to make that part of town “kid friendly,” or so her mother had touted to all her friends.
“They can go up and down the sidewalk anywhere. All over town. The City Council makes it a requirement.”
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