“Where’s the med kit, Hawk?” Doc’s voice came from within the vehicle as the other doors flew open.
“In back with the drone.”
Hawk and Bowie grabbed him under each arm and dragged him free of the dust cloud and into the meager shade of a Joshua tree.
Doc squatted in front of him and took his pulse. While he coughed up the grit he’d breathed and swallowed, Oliver focused on his broad Irish face. It took some time to beat back the emotion still clawing at his chest, keeping his breathing tight. He rubbed his shirtsleeve over his eyes and face to wipe away his tears. They’d think it was from the dust, wouldn’t they?
“Just take a few more deep breaths, Greenback. Are you having pressure in your chest? Any pain?”
Any pain? He dropped his head back and shook it. “I thought I was going to hurl. It must have been the heat.” SEALs weren’t supposed to have anxiety attacks. He was supposed to be in control. Keep his emotions in hand. He braced a forearm on his updrawn knee and rested his forehead upon it.
Doc rested a hand on his shoulder.
He’d just lied to a friend to protect his ego. He wasn’t in control. He wasn’t in control of anything. They were going to cut into his wife and take her breast. Maybe both of them. Time to man up. “It isn’t the heat, guys.” He blinked his eyes furiously when the tears threatened again. “Selena’s pregnant and she’s got breast cancer. They’re going to do a mastectomy next week.”
Doc’s eyes widened with shock. Hawk and Bowie froze with the same motionlessness they used when terrorists tiptoed close to their location.
Hawk was the first to move, and dropped to one knee next to him. “What the fuck are you doing here? You should be with her.”
“She’s working, taking care of as much bank business as she can before she has the surgery. We have to stay busy and fill every moment…otherwise we’d both go crazy.” He raked his fingers through his hair and squeezed his temples. “I have to get my head straight before I can be any use to her, Hawk. I haven’t slept since I found out. I’m just so fucked up right now.”
Hawk’s face showed all the pain he was feeling. “I didn’t get an opportunity to be there for Mom when she was going through this. She didn’t tell me she was sick until it was too late. You have an opportunity to be Selena’s wingman through all this, Greenback. You need to get your shit together and step up. I’m calling Zoe and Trish. They’ll get the ball rolling on that end. She’ll need backup while you’re out here.” Hawk jerked his cell phone out and ran his thumb over the face to open it.
“She hasn’t even called her mom and sisters, Hawk. We won’t know how bad it is until after the surgery.” Oliver scrubbed his face with his hands. Hawk was right. He was making this all about his needs and ignoring hers. He’d been such a shit to her before leaving home for this training—angry, distant, and silent. Like he’d been for days. He was blaming her for being sick when there wasn’t a damn thing she could do about it. He’d really fucked up.
“L.T., I’d like to be the one to talk to them.”
Hawk handed him the phone.
*
Selena dumped the shopping bags and her purse next to the front door and turned to check on Lucia’s progress up the front walk. The backpack her daughter wore was almost as big as she was, but she insisted on carrying it back and forth to daycare with her favorite toy for naptime. Thank goodness this last round of antibiotics seemed to have done the trick, and the troublesome ear infection was gone.
She was holding open the door for Lucia when Zoe Yazzie’s car pulled into the drive. The doors opened and five women got out—Zoe, Hawk’s wife, and her soon to be sister-in-law, Tess Kelly. Trish Marks, the unofficial leader of the wives’ group and wife of Langley Marks, Hawk’s XO. Marsha Jackson, Oliver’s commanding officer’s wife, and then Zoe’s mom, Clara Weaver, brought up the rear.
She studied each of their expressions while they walked toward her. Had something happened to Oliver? Anxiety hit her like a thunderbolt and her heart rate shot up.
“Oliver called us,” Zoe said, setting her fears to rest. “He and the guys will be out there a couple more days, and he thought a little backup for you might not be a bad idea. Just in case.”
Selena heaved a sigh. Just what had he told them?
Zoe grasped Lucia’s hand, “Hello, Miss Lucia. How was school today?” She walked with Lucia up the two steps and Selena stood back to let them in.
“Nap time sucks,” Lucia declared, her words so clear all the women laughed.
“She learned the expression from one of the older children and loves saying it,” Selena giggled.
Everyone filed in, but no one sat down. Marsha Jackson stepped forward. “Oliver called us all and told us everything. His exact words were, ‘I’ve already been an asshole, and she’s already pissed at me, so it won’t matter if she gets mad at me for telling you.’” Marsha swallowed. “We’re a family, Selena. We all want to stand with you through whatever comes. We’re here to schedule help times for while you recover from surgery. You’ll need it, and we want to do at least that much.”
The tight ball of hurt and confusion left by Oliver’s defection to Camp Billy Machen eased and, though Selena attempted to stem the tears, her eyes still filled. She brushed them aside and offered them all a smile. “I’m not mad at him for telling you. I’ve wanted to but—it was just too much.”
“We understand,” Trish said, hugging her.
“Come on into the kitchen and we’ll have some iced tea and talk.”
When they were settled at the kitchen table Selena looked at each expectant face, opened herself to experience their genuine, heartfelt desire to support her, and spilled it all. After they all cried a little, they got busy making a list of things she might need help with following surgery.
“I want Oliver to save as many of his emergency leave days as possible in case we need them.”
“I’m retired and Russell is still working, so I’m available during the day,” Clara said as she lifted Lucia up in her lap and handed her a slice of cheese and some crackers from the plate Selena had put out.
They wrote down their schedules, then worked out a rotation for each day.
“Oliver will be here at night as long as they don’t have another training.”
“He’ll want to take off a few days to be with you, Selena,” Zoe said.
Would he? After his first rush of support he’d been so distant. Especially since the doctor’s appointment and everything she’d said in the car.
“I’m trying to stay positive. Excuse me for a second, please.” She stood and went back to retrieve something from the bags she’d dropped by the door that she wanted to share.
She’d designed the baby announcements at work during her lunch break. She’d dropped them by a one-hour copy place on her way to get Lucia from daycare and picked them up on her way home. The women laughed when she saw the grape-shaped cartoon, and immediately set to helping her address the envelopes.
“Is the baby really the size of a grape?” Tess asked, holding up the announcement. Her auburn hair shone with copper highlights and, though she was the closest to her age, Selena felt centuries older.
“It will be by next week,” Selena said. “It’s about the size of a sesame seed right now.”
Tess shook her head. “Amazing. If the baby’s a girl you could name her Chablis,” Tess said with a grin.
“Oh, my God, that sounds like a stripper,” Trish said.
“Or Champagne…no, wait, it would be a stripper’s name, too,” Zoe chimed in.
“What about Barbera or Margaux? Those are wine terms, but don’t sound so stripperesque,” Tess suggested.
“Is stripperesque even a word?” Marsha asked as she sealed an envelope.
“And how do you even know Barbera and Margaux are wine terms?” Zoe demanded.
“California is wine country. I had to write a story about one of the vineyards.”
“If we’re going to name
her after a wine, it will have to be an Italian wine,” Selena said firmly, desperate to keep the laughter and the feeling of normalcy going.
“Chianti,” Clara suggested. When they all looked at her, she shrugged. “It’s the only Italian wine I know.”
“Rosato, it’s a rose-colored Italian wine. Her name could be Rosa,” Tess suggested.
“Actually Rosa might work. My mother’s name is Rosalie but my father often calls her Rosa.”
“That’s so sweet.”
It was. Just the simple pastime of discussing baby names gave her something to hold onto and made her feel as though her life could go on despite the cancer.
She had to hold onto the life inside her. It was the most important positive thing in her life right now. If only she could get Oliver to see it for the blessing it was, instead of a stumbling block to survival which he believed it to be. Once they took the cancer out and she was well again, he’d see things differently.
Chapter Six
‡
“We had to take a little more breast tissue than I had hoped, Selena.” The surgical oncologist was tall and thin, with exaggerated features which seemed crammed into the center of his face. He projected confidence and a positive attitude.
But Oliver’s heart sank. They had been talking lumpectomy, then a modified mastectomy, and now they were talking more. It had been thirty-six hours since the surgery and, aside from being in some moderate pain, Selena seemed to be soldiering up, but he’d seen how her fingers had traced over the area and been worried when he watched her face as she did it.
“I wanted to go back over some of the information I’ve shared with you before. We had to take the nipple, but we’ve left you plenty of skin to use for reconstruction later. The border of the tumor was wider than we had at first expected. The important thing is we were able to remove all the diseased tissue. And there was no muscular involvement.”
Her features were pale, but she didn’t seem surprised.
“We will have the pathology on the seven lymph nodes we removed by next week. I’ll discuss follow-up treatment once we have pathology results, so I’ll need to see you a week from today. The nurse will set up the appointment for you. I’ll want to check the site and make sure it is healing as expected, and we’ll also remove your temporary drains. The nurse will show you how to empty them in the meantime. You don’t need to change the dressing. I’ll do it during your appointment in a few days. Just keep the site dry, relax, and allow yourself to heal. If you see any unusual swelling, or have severe pain, don’t hesitate to contact my office or come in to the ER.”
Once the doctor left, Oliver sat on the edge of the bed and cradled her hand.
“Did you know it had spread more than they’d first thought?” he asked.
“I suspected it had. They did so many ultrasound images, especially in the area under my arm.” Dark shadows were stamped beneath her eyes. With so many nurses and techs going in and out of the surgical rooms, sleep, when it came, was brief. “My breast is gone, Oliver.”
“I know.”
Her gaze held an uncertainty. “You’ve always loved my breasts.”
“I’ve always loved the rest of you, too, cara mia.”
He knew he’d said the right thing when she leaned in to rest against him. Careful of the tubes, he slipped an arm around her and stroked her hair. “It’s going to be okay.” What else could he say?
*
The pain was nothing compared to the hollow feeling she got every time she saw the spot where her breast had been. Even with the bandages pulled tight around her, she could see the concave shape of her loss.
She’d read somewhere the surgery severed the nerves so she would no longer experience sensation in that breast anymore. And what if the cancer spread to the other one? If only she could be numb all over right now.
She needed to be home and away from this place where they had disfigured her. She’d had no idea how she’d feel afterward. She’d been concentrating on just getting past the surgery. Nothing else. But now she felt so much pain and anger.
“What matters is, the cancer is gone, carina,” Oliver said, his voice soft.
But it might not be gone. She couldn’t take radiation therapy to be certain. What more would they do?
Exhaustion rushed up to envelop her, and she settled against Oliver’s shoulder and closed her eyes. He loved her. But men were usually squeamish about these things. Would his reaction be different because of his experiences?
And they still couldn’t seem to talk about the baby. How long would their silence last?
*
Backup waited for them at home. Oliver hoped he’d done the right thing. Selena needed to know how much she was loved. And maybe it would make up for some of the shit they were both dealing with right now.
Because the medical staff couldn’t use the typical diagnostic tests due to her pregnancy, they were still in the dark about the spread of the disease. No radioactive dye to check the lymph nodes. No radiation until she’d delivered the baby. No hormone therapy to starve the cancer and make sure it didn’t come back. Pregnancy tied their hands in so many ways.
The hurt look so clear in Selena’s eyes gripped him by the throat every time. A part of her was gone now, and she was grieving… he was, too. But she was alive. Which was all that mattered.
They reached home to find Hawk sitting on the small stoop.
“What’s Hawk doing here, Oliver?” Her hand lingered against her blouse, covering the spot where her breast had been.
“I asked him to run an errand for me.”
While Oliver went around to help her out, Hawk came over to greet them, but his gaze remained on Selena’s face.
Though she was dressed as normal in jeans and a button-up blouse, she moved as though every step was over broken glass.
“Zoe said to call if you need anything at all. Goes for me, too.”
She nodded and made an effort to smile. “Thank you, Hawk.”
He nodded and turned to Oliver. “The package is inside, Greenback. I’m shoving off so you two can rest.”
“Thanks, Hawk.”
“What package, Oliver?”
“Just something I thought you might need.” He helped her up the stoop.
“I remember how you did this when I came home from the hospital with Lucia,” she said, her voice soft.
Her dark eyes, so expressive, lifted to his face.
He wasn’t ready for this conversation. “In the teams we plan each step we take with care, but at the end of the day, when we’ve done all we can, all we think of is home. We’ve done all we can for the moment, and now it’s time to think of home.”
He opened the door and shoved it wide. Selena’s mother rose from the couch. She appeared to be as nervous as Oliver felt. As she took a step toward the door, her features, so similar to Selena’s, crumpled with emotion. When Selena walked toward her and buried her face against her mother’s shoulder, Oliver knew he’d done the right thing. He closed the door to give them a few minutes while he went back out to retrieve Selena’s small overnight bag.
He was finally starting to get it. As a SEAL he stood alone as a man, but together as a member of his team. And at home Selena did the same, but the other half of her team was usually gone, leaving her stranded. It was hard to reach out to family and friends who lived outside the life and explain the psychology. She carried just as much on her shoulders, and she was used to doing it alone. Then when it came time to ask for help, it made it harder for her to say the words or even admit she needed it. He’d need to be her backup and tell people what she couldn’t say herself.
When he re-entered the house, Rosalie, Selena’s mother, still held her, but they’d gravitated to the couch.
He dumped the overnight bag in the bedroom and went into the kitchen to fix them all something to drink. Though it was just past noon, he craved a beer, or something stronger, but chose a glass of iced tea instead.
He slid the glasses on coast
ers in front of them.
Selena’s eyes, wet with tears, settled on him. “Thank you, Oliver.”
*
He spent the day catching up on yard work and fixing a small leak in the storage building roof while Selena slept and was babied by her mother, which was exactly what she needed.
At five o’clock he picked Lucia up from daycare. She’d be excited to have Selena home, for, as much as she’d enjoyed having Daddy’s undivided attention for an evening or two, she’d gotten teary at bedtime each night when Momma wasn’t there. She’d never been separated from Selena for more than a few hours. He’d lain with her in her tiny twin bed until she finally fell asleep, and then lay awake in their bed, staring at the ceiling and alert for the phone in case the hospital called. It was easier to take power naps in the chair at the hospital than to sleep without Selena beside him.
“Mommy’s home and she’s excited to see you,” he said as he helped Lucia get her backpack off and settled her in her booster seat in the back of the van.
“Mommy’s home!” A smile lit her entire face. “I’m e-sighted too.”
Oliver smiled at the mispronounced word but didn’t correct her.
“Mommy has a sore spot on her chest right here.” He pointed to his right pectoral muscle. “We have to be careful not to touch it until it’s well.”
Lucia’s eyes widened. “I won’t touch it,” she said in a whisper.
“She’s missed you very much.”
“I missed Mommy, too.”
He fastened the seat belt and gave her a kiss.
“Grandma Rose is at the house, too. She’s come to visit us.”
Lucia grinned. “Grandma Rose?”
“Yes, she came to see you and to help Mommy until she feels better.”
“We Skype Grandma Rose.”
What did it say when your three year old knew how to Skype? “Yes, I know you do. You’ll see her in person as soon as we’re home. What do you want to listen to on the radio?”
“Twinkle, Twinkle.”
Half wishing he hadn’t asked, he put in the CD of nursery songs as soon as he was belted in and cranked the ignition.
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