by Keeland, Vi
I didn’t want to cry, but I had no control over the tears that seeped out.
When he noticed, a look of alarm crossed his face. “Oh shit. What have I done? I didn’t mean to make you cry.”
Wiping my nose with my arm, I sniffled. “No. I’m sorry. It’s just . . . it’s sad but it’s beautiful, Sebastian. To have had someone you love in your life even for a short time is beautiful. It’s amazing that you found forgiveness for her and rekindled that love. And she’ll always live on through Birdie.”
“I don’t know what it is about you that makes me want to open up.” He rubbed his eyes. “Let’s move on to something lighter . . . okay?”
I searched my brain for something “lighter.” “Birdie swears that Marmaduke can say ‘hi.’”
His mouth transformed into a slight smile. “Oh yeah?”
“Yeah. We actually recorded it. Hang on.”
Taking out my phone, I pressed “Play” on a video I’d taken displaying Marmaduke making a noise that did sound suspiciously like “Hiiiiiiiiii.”
He chuckled. “I asked to move on to something lighter, not utterly ridiculous.”
We were both cracking up now, and thank God the sadness in the air seemed to have eased up a bit.
“Can I use your restroom?” I asked.
“Of course.”
My legs felt wobbly as I stood up and made my way to the bathroom. Splashing some water on my face, I looked at myself in the mirror. The wine was starting to hit me, and the physical and emotional toll of the night was as well. My attraction to Sebastian was almost painful. I just wanted to make him forget about everything for one night, but more than that, I also wanted him to want me. I was pretty sure he was attracted to me, but I was also pretty sure he respected me. And that meant he wouldn’t look at me as a one-night conquest. The latter very well may have been all he had the mental space for right now, which meant there would likely not be any room for someone like me in his life.
When I reemerged from the bathroom, Sebastian was still sitting on the couch waiting for me. I was starting to feel like if anything were going to happen between us, I was going to have to give him a little push, test the waters. At least then, based on his reaction, I might know if I even stood a chance for something more with him. I sat down, but this time, in a brazen move, I sat down right next to him. The heat of his body was palpable. His jaw tightened as he just looked at me. His breathing became labored as he very blatantly allowed his eyes to wander down to my cleavage, then back up at my face. Unlike the other times he’d snuck glances at me, it almost seemed like he wanted me to notice. I wanted his mouth on me, but I’d made enough of a move by just sitting this close. The wine was definitely going to my head, amplifying the physical need I was experiencing.
He was looking at my lips now.
“Are you okay with my sitting close to you like this?” I asked.
He nodded, still breathing heavier than he had all night. There was no way he wasn’t affected by me. I knew that for certain now.
“I think you’re amazing, Sadie. Both inside and out,” he whispered gruffly.
I bit my lip, then continued his sentence. “But . . .”
“Don’t take this the wrong way . . . but I’m almost too attracted to you. I feel very out of control around you, like there’s the potential to get addicted. And—”
“And you’ve made the decision not to let that happen with anyone.”
“It’s what’s best for many reasons . . .”
My heart sank upon finally hearing confirmation of what I already feared.
“I just thought that maybe . . . there could be something there.”
His eyes were piercing. “There is something. I just don’t want to act on it.”
“Okay.” I looked down at his bare feet. A few moments later, I looked up at him. “What would you be doing tonight if I wasn’t here?”
“Why does that matter?”
“It doesn’t. I’m just curious.” I leaned in a little. “Don’t lie to me, either. Tell me what you really would have done.”
He nodded. “Alright.” After taking a long sip of wine, he finally said, “I was going to call a woman I knew wanted nothing more than to sleep with me. I was going to go to her place—because I don’t bring women into this house. I was going to fuck her—safely—and then leave and come back here, feeling no more fulfilled than I had before I left. Which is exactly the way I need it to be.”
His admission left me speechless for a bit.
“When was the last time you were . . . with someone?” I asked.
“It’s been a while. A couple of months, maybe.” He exhaled. “What about you?”
“Way longer than that.”
Sebastian swallowed hard. “Why?”
“Because I can’t just be with someone to fuck them. I need something more. I need a connection. I need to be able to look into their eyes and love what I see within them just as much as what’s on the outside. A mental connection is very important to me.” My feelings seemed to be bursting from me. Somehow I felt like this could have been my one opportunity to express them. I shocked myself when I said, “I’m very attracted to you . . . in every way. But I totally get why you need to compartmentalize. I get why it would be scary for you to let someone in . . . not only into your heart but into your life. I think I’d be the same way in your shoes.”
He sat there in silence as I went on.
“I’m sorry, Sebastian. I’m sorry that things aren’t easier. I’m sorry you lost your wife and that you go to sleep alone. I hope that someday you can be happy again. As much as I wish that I could have a chance at getting to know you on a deeper level, I also understand that the space for that in your heart is still taken.”
He was back to staring at my mouth when he said, “You make it very difficult to want to compartmentalize, Sadie.”
My heart raced.
“Do you want me to go?” I whispered.
He reached for my hand. “No.”
The feel of his big, warm hand intertwined with mine was just about the best damn thing I’d felt in a very long time.
“Then I’ll stay. As a friend. As long as you want me to say, I’ll stay. And when you’re ready to be alone again, I’ll leave.”
He looked down at our hands. “I really don’t like being alone. I hate it. I hate being here when Birdie’s not home. Because then I have to face what I’m left with. Which is nothing without my daughter. I don’t want my life to be like this. I want to be happy again. I just haven’t figured out how to achieve that.”
“I think it just happens on its own. Being happy is not really something people can make happen. It just occurs randomly while we’re living and not trying.”
What he said next broke my heart.
“Amanda never told me whether she would be okay if I moved on. And I think that’s part of what holds me back. I would never want her to look down and feel like she’d been replaced. And that haunts me.”
His eyes watered as he let go of my hand and said, “God, this is not what you signed up for tonight. Fucking hell.”
“Please,” I pleaded. “Please don’t apologize. Your honesty is breathing life into me. You have no idea how amazing it is to experience, through your love and respect for your wife, what true love is like. You’ve given me so much hope, Sebastian. Truly.”
He stared deeply into my eyes. “Wanna know the fucked-up thing?”
“Yeah.”
“As I sit here talking about my wife, I still can’t help wanting to kiss you.”
His words ignited what felt like a fire inside me. Talk about a roller coaster of emotions. “No one says feelings have to make sense,” I said, my chest heaving with need.
“You asked me what I was really planning to do tonight . . . ,” he said. “I told you half of the story. But what I didn’t tell you is that after you left, I couldn’t stop thinking about you, your infectious smile, and how sexy you looked. No woman in the world was goin
g to stand a chance to get you out of my head tonight. And when you came to the door again, I nearly shit a brick. It was like you’d read my mind.”
I moved closer to him so that my face was only inches from his. The physical pull felt really intense. I normally wasn’t this assertive, but maybe it had to do with the fact that I’d never been into anyone like this. Yes, I would’ve loved more than a sexual relationship with Sebastian. But if he wasn’t ready for more, would I still want to experience being with him? The answer was yes.
Barely able to breathe, I said what I was feeling in that moment. “If you want me, you can have me. No questions asked. I need it as much as you do. We can just take out our frustrations on each other.”
He swallowed and let out a groan before he shook his head. “You’re intoxicated, Sadie, and so am I. We can’t go there.”
I nodded silently. I totally understood his point.
Therefore, given what he’d just said, you could imagine I was completely shocked when he seemed to lose control, wrapping his hand around my face and pulling me into him just seconds later. The heat of his mouth on mine sent shock waves throughout my entire body. Sebastian groaned into my mouth, and it vibrated deep in the back of my throat. He tasted like wine and the most amazing flavor I’d ever tasted. It was all man, all him, and I needed more. I didn’t care how buzzed I was, I didn’t care about anything other than experiencing every second of this. He pulled me onto him and I grinded down. I felt like I could come from merely the friction of his erection rubbing against me through his pants. Not to mention, it was clear from that limited contact that he was massive. My legs were quivering as his fingers raked my back.
“Fuck,” he muttered into my mouth. “You’re so sexy. I want to eat you alive.”
Those words literally made the muscles between my legs contract. Someone could have told me I’d have to risk my life to have him inside me right now and I might have considered it.
Right when I’d felt like I was going to reach my breaking point, Sebastian seemed to fall out of his trance as he pulled back.
He covered his mouth and stood up. “I can’t, Sadie. I just can’t. I want you, but I can’t take you like this. You’ve had too much to drink, and so have I.”
My lips were swollen, my nipples hard. My body was so ready. So naturally, this was a disappointment but one that was for the best.
Panting, I asked, “You want me to leave?”
He shook his head vehemently while keeping his distance. “No. I wouldn’t feel right sending you home right now. Please stay. You can have my bed, and I’ll sleep in Birdie’s room.”
I filled with hope. “Are you sure?”
“I insist. No way I’m letting you get in a car with a stranger while drunk, not even if it’s an Uber.”
His concern made me feel warm, protected. “Thank you.”
He nudged his head. “Come on. I’ll show you to the room.” Sebastian led me down the hall to his bedroom.
A massive king bed with a dark-wood headboard took up the center of the space. A satin gray comforter lay atop it. A gorgeous view of the moonlight outside could be seen from the window. As inviting a space as this was, it felt intrusive and forbidden to be in here.
“Make yourself at home. Take a hot shower in the master bath, anything you want.”
“Okay . . .” I smiled. “Thank you.”
After he left the room, I somehow suspected I wouldn’t see him for the rest of the night. He’d made the mature decision. I respected him for that, but it in no way extinguished the fire burning inside me right now.
That night, I took a shower in his fancy bathroom and lay in his massive marital bed. It felt a bit strange to be lying in the same bed that Sebastian had slept in with his wife. I could completely understand the emptiness he described feeling. And I longed for him. My feelings for this man went way back to before I’d ever even met him. But now that I’d experienced how passionate he was firsthand, it made me fall for him even more.
CHAPTER 17
SEBASTIAN
I’d come very close to fucking up last night. So close, I could smell it. Smell her. I sighed. She smelled phenomenal. Even though I knew I wasn’t still drunk, I somehow still felt drunk off her.
It was a miracle I’d gotten any sleep at all, but the wine must have knocked me out, because sometime after 2:00 am, I’d totally passed out in Birdie’s bed. But not before I’d retreated to the bathroom off the hallway to jerk off to thoughts of ramming into Sadie while she was in that yoga plow pose with her legs backed over her head. It took me all of thirty seconds to come harder than I had in months all over the shower door. Better there than inside her last night, and believe me, if she hadn’t been intoxicated, that might have very well happened.
I threw on a white T-shirt and some jeans and made my way to the kitchen. The smell of coffee infiltrated my senses.
The sight of her in my kitchen made my heart nearly stop. I hadn’t realized how much I missed having a woman to wake up to. Perhaps it wasn’t until this moment that I realized just how fucking lonely I’d been. But it wasn’t even that. She was wearing my shirt. My white dress shirt. And no fucking pants. And she was bopping her ass a little, even though there was no music on.
“Hey,” I called out.
Sadie jumped. “Hey.” She smiled. “I took it upon myself to make breakfast.” She looked down at herself. “I stole one of your longest shirts. I just didn’t feel like putting on my dirty workout clothes after the shower I took last night. I hope that’s okay.”
What could I say to that? It was apparently fine with my dick, because I was getting hard just looking at her in my shirt. In fact, I was starting to feel like a goddamn caveman. Sleep had done nothing to curb my appetite.
I never answered her. I was too busy staring.
“I figured the least I could do after you let me have your room last night was to make you a nice breakfast.”
She was being more than gracious, considering I’d mauled her mouth, then sent her off to bed alone last night.
The smells of eggs, coffee, and a hint of cinnamon filled the air. And for some reason, instead of feeling guilty or conflicted this morning, I continued to feel fucking high.
“This is amazing. Thank you,” I said as I came up next to her.
Just then, the doorbell rang.
I looked out toward the door. “What the hell?”
“Are you expecting someone?” she asked.
“No.”
When I opened it, Birdie stood there with a woman I recognized as her friend’s mother. My daughter wasn’t supposed to be back until this afternoon.
“Hey! What happened?”
Birdie looked up at me. “I have pink eye.”
“I’m sorry, Mr. Maxwell,” the woman said. “It’s contagious, so I thought it best to bring her home.”
Shit.
Renee noticed the frazzled look on my face.
“Is this . . . a bad time? I tried to call first, but your cell went right to voice mail.”
That’s because charging my cell phone was the last thing on my mind when I went to bed last night.
I shook my head. “No. It’s fine. Of course it’s fine. I totally understand.”
While I’d gotten the words out, my body was still physically blocking the door.
What the hell am I going to do? The last thing Birdie should see was a half-naked Sadie standing in our kitchen. It was inappropriate on so many levels. How would I explain it to her?
“Apparently pink eye is going around in their class. It’s usually nothing more than a little bit of eye drops to clear it up. Birdie said she didn’t even notice it, right, sweetheart?”
My daughter shrugged. “It doesn’t hurt at all.”
At that moment, Marmaduke came to the door. He forced his way past me and practically knocked Birdie over on the front step.
“Hey, Marmaduke. Did you miss me?” She bent down and started to pet him, even though he was as tall as she w
as.
Renee smiled. “I left my husband alone with seven girls. So I better run back.”
“Okay. Yeah. Umm. Thanks a lot for bringing her home.”
She turned to walk down the stairs, and I looked back over my shoulder while Birdie was distracted with the dog. No sign of Sadie.
“Uh. You know what, honey. I was just about to take Marmaduke for a walk. Why don’t I grab his leash, and we’ll go together. I’ll call the doctor and get you an appointment when we get back.”
“Okay, Daddy.”
“I’ll be back in a minute. You can stay here while I get the leash from the kitchen.”
Birdie laughed and pointed. “It’s right there, next to your head, Daddy.”
Shit. Yeah . . . the damn leash was hanging right on the key hook in the vestibule next to the front door, wasn’t it?
Birdie stood and wiped off her knees. “I’m going to put my pillow and sleeping bag in my room.”
“No! Don’t do that.”
Her little face wrinkled. “Why can’t I put them in my room?”
“Umm.” Think. Think. Oh wait! “Because they might have some bacteria on them. From your eye infection.” I smiled coming up with that excuse. Though my daughter looked at me funny. Like . . . why the hell are you smiling because my eye infection might be on my blanket, you weirdo? Nevertheless, I took the pillow and sleeping bag and tossed them behind me, into the living room.
Then I stepped outside and pulled the front door shut as fast as I could. “Ready?”
“Uh . . . Dad . . . you forgot the leash?” She looked down. “And your shoes!”
Jesus Christ. “Shoot. Okay . . . give me one second.” I opened the door back up, only enough to reach in and grab the leash off the wall and a pair of shoes, and then pulled it shut again.
“Let’s go.”
Birdie walked down the stairs. I looked back over my shoulder a few times, but there was still no sign of Sadie. Hopefully she’d figure out what had happened and at least be dressed when we got back.