by Heidi Lowe
SEVEN
Ava took one look at me when the curtain fell for the interval, and I knew, without her uttering a word, that she was thinking the same thing as me.
"So...that was a little graphic," I said, once we'd stepped into the bar for the fifteen minute break.
That was an understatement. It seemed like almost every other word was a profanity. But it wasn't just the swearing, the filthy sex talk made for a very unpleasant viewing experience. Perhaps if I'd been on my own it wouldn't have been so bad; but with Ava, I burned with shame. She must have wondered why I'd brought her to such a play.
She laughed. "On the plus side, my curse word vocabulary has been expanded ten-fold."
"Do you want to get out of here? I think we've seen all we need to see," I said.
"Yes!" She nodded heartily, and chuckling we left the theater.
We went to a bar a few doors down, a quiet place with mellow blues music playing in the background. She ordered a couple of cocktails.
"To us," I said, raising my glass and clinking it against hers. "And our new friendship."
"I'll drink to that."
I'd been nervous coming into the bar, knowing that it would be just the two of us, talking, delving into each other's lives. But once the alcohol started flowing, I relaxed.
"My husband thinks it's weird that I'm hanging out with you." By now my tongue was much looser, and my inhibitions on standby. I was in that happy, comfortable spot between sobriety and tipsiness, and planned to keep it that way.
"It doesn't matter what he thinks. Do you think it's weird?" She was leaning back easily in her seat, one slender leg crossed over the other. If my eyes had their way they would never be averted. It must have been the alcohol that was making me think like this, making me wonder how it would feel to touch those legs, how soft her skin was. Or how warm the inside of her thighs would be.
I cleared my throat, dragged my eyes away hurriedly, suddenly aware that the room was getting hotter.
"No, I don't. There's nothing wrong with people making new friends."
"Agreed. And so what if it's a little weird. I like spending time with you. A lot." She sipped what was left of her drink. Now it was her turn to look away.
"It's a nice night out. Do you maybe want to go for a walk along the canal?" I said, the idea just springing into my head. I don't know what made me suggest a walk, of all things. I hadn't gone for a pleasant stroll with anyone since a date in college. All I did know was that the drinks were finished, I didn't want another, but I definitely didn't want the night to end. Because that would have spelled goodbye for the whole weekend. I wanted to prolong this as long as possible.
"Sure. I was actually gonna suggest it myself."
She paid up, left a tip, then we headed out. There was only a slight breeze in the warm night air. Perfect weather for a stroll with a beautiful woman. An almost perfect night, if you discounted the atrocious play.
It was quiet on the streets and roads. We walked side by side, in-step, talking about nothing. Peaceful. I could have done this with her all night.
But then I switched gears. "Okay, I have to know. It's probably the burning question on everyone's minds at the school: why are you single?"
From the way her eyes grew wide, I knew my question alarmed her.
"I know it's very forward of me to ask–"
She nodded. "It is very forward."
"And you absolutely don't have to answer."
With the ample street-lighting I could see the little smirk that teased the corners of her mouth. "So we're getting personal now, are we, Dani?"
"Sorry, I know, it's none of my business. It's just that you're beautiful, and smart, and funny, and...God, the perfect woman. The perfect partner. And if someone like you is single, then the rest of us are doomed."
I could hear myself babbling but could do nothing to stop it. When had I progressed into solid tipsy state?
"And you said everyone at school wants to know this too?"
"The men at least."
Her smirk grew. "And you, of course."
"I mean, isn't there anyone you're interested in? Someone you want to get to know better?"
"Maybe." She smiled coyly.
"Okay, great, now we're getting somewhere." Although I played up the excitement, it was contrary to what I actually felt upon hearing that she was interested in someone. Why did I feel as though someone had punched me in the gut, twice?
Did I even want to hear about the punk who had stolen her heart? Probably some six-pack with jaw implants! Someone fake and plastic who would treat her like a trophy, ignoring the fact that she was amazing inside as well as out.
"Why are you so interested in my love life?" She chuckled.
"I don't know. Maybe because mine is so dire, I find it therapeutic focusing on other people's."
"You want to know why I'm still single? That right there, what you just said. I decided a long time ago that I would only date when I was sure I'd found someone truly special. Because I never want my love life to be dire. Real love, the kind that never dies or ages, retains the same potency throughout, no matter what. That's what I want."
My heart broke a little when I listened to her speak. Because I remembered the time when I'd been holding out for the same thing, been convinced I would find it if only I looked hard enough. And then Dominic came along, a wolf in sheep's clothing, promising me the world and giving me years of heartache instead.
"I hope you find what you're looking for." I meant that too. Just because my chance of eternal happiness was over, didn't mean I didn't want her to have that.
"I hope you do, too."
We stared at each other, stopped walking. Here we were, two women searching for exactly the same thing, but we couldn't give it to each other. I wished desperately that I could have been...I could have been the one she was waiting for...
As soon as the thought entered my mind, it spooked me. I turned away quickly, fearing that I would fall into those large blue eyes. It was crazy. And there was nothing to be gained thinking that way.
We started walking again. "You shouldn't wait forever, otherwise you'll have to keep fighting off all those hungry married men at school," I joked. "I mean, everyone's smitten with you. I can't really blame them. I kind of am myself. What do the kids call it these days, a girl crush?" I chuckled abashedly.
"You have a crush on me?" she teased. "I think you just said that."
I laughed hysterically, nervously. "Yeah, and I'm out of luck there, huh? I'm obviously not your type."
She stopped walking. Her face became serious.
"Actually, you are," she said. "You're exactly my type."
It all happened so fast. One minute she was looking at me, and the next her lips were on mine. So fast I didn't have enough time to decide what to do with my mouth.
And then it was over. She was staring at me, slightly horrified. Her expression a reflection of mine, it seemed.
I just gawked at her, my lips parted, slightly moist from her kiss.
"Oh my God, I'm sorry. I–I don't know what came over me. I'm sorry. Goodnight." She turned and hurried away, moving impossibly quickly for someone in heels.
"Ava," I called after her, but she didn't stop, didn't even glance back at me before jumping into a taxi.
EIGHT
It all made sense now.
Her lack of interest in the men around her, including Dominic, who was considered a catch by almost every woman in town. Her eagerness to spend time with me.
Dear God! How had I been so blind?
Lucy and Dominic were watching TV in the lounge when I walked in.
"Oh, Mrs. Thomas, you're back already." She sort of jumped up, her cheeks flushed, a guilty look in her eye. Had I just walked in on something?
"Yeah, we didn't expect you back so soon," Dominic said, a note of annoyance in his voice. "What's wrong, your new friend realized what a bore you are and left early?" He laughed cruelly to himself.
Demea
ning me in front of the babysitter, what a classy guy. A real charmer. If this young, impressionable girl really fell for him, there was something wrong with the world. She was destined to repeat my mistakes.
But none of that bothered me. I was smiling on the inside. How wrong Dominic was about the reason for the date ending early. If only he knew. I still felt the memory of her lips against mine – soft and moist. The sweetest, most unassuming kiss. Whatever was happening in this room now, I couldn't have cared less about. Dominic could have been screwing the babysitter right in front of me for all the difference it would have made.
"How was Chester?" I asked.
"Fine. We had pizza, watched a movie, then he went to bed," Lucy said. She wasn't looking me in the eye, which told me everything I needed to know about what I'd almost walked in on.
Well, I wasn't about to pay her for making out with my husband. "Dominic, you can pay Lucy. Goodnight," I said and made my way upstairs.
I looked in on Chester before going to my own room. In the darkness I lay on my bed, still fully clothed. Then the smile that had been battling to come out sprung forth.
She kissed me! But that was only a small piece of it. I was the one she had feelings for, the one I'd envied, the one I didn't think would have been good enough for her. Not a muscle-bound man who wanted a trophy wife. Little old me. A woman.
It had never occurred to me that she might be gay. Through my ignorance I'd always imagined lesbians as women who wore their hair really short, and dressed in plaid and Doc Martens. Clearly I needed to get out more and not rely on TV depictions.
I ran my fingers over my lips. If I closed my eyes I could smell her, feel her. It was a memory I never wanted to forget.
But with the kiss followed the memory of her fleeing from me, and the horror in her face when she realized that by kissing me she had changed the nature of our relationship. What had she seen in my eyes that had made her run like that?
My smile faded. Why didn't I kiss her back, or at least say something instead of stand there like an idiot? Why didn't I run after her? Stop her and tell her it was...okay?
Was it okay, though? I still hadn't figured that out.
Lying in my darkened room, I ruminated over everything. Tried to understand how I felt about it. A married woman who, up until then, had thought she was completely straight. Had never thought of women sexually, beyond admiration for their beauty.
This was different. The truth was I'd been crushing on her in my own little way pretty much since I'd met her. A girl crush? No, how about just a plain old normal crush.
I was hot for teacher. And, judging by the kiss, teacher was hot for me too.
But now what? I didn't know if I was ready to deal with everything that came along with the revelation. Not least of all because I was still married; and still, for all intents and purposes, straight.
"Do anything special this weekend?" Beth said that Monday morning as we walked to school.
I hadn't said much the whole journey, my mind consumed with thoughts of seeing Ava again. I'd spent the whole weekend thinking about what I would say to her, but still hadn't come up with anything to convey my feelings. Mostly because I still wasn't sure what those were.
"Not really. I worked most of Saturday, and on Sunday took Chester swimming and to the park. Standard stuff."
"Believe me, I would have killed for standard. It was the weekend from hell for me."
As soon as she launched into telling me why are weekend was so bad, I zoned out, my own worries plaguing my thoughts the nearer we got to school.
The gates came into view, and panic set in. Just a minute to go and we would be face to face again. My throat was as dry as sand.
The kids ran ahead, as usual.
"Hey, Miss Petal really is something, isn't she?"
The mention of her name threw me. I gawked at Beth.
"W–what do you mean?"
"You know how Jack was having problems with multiplication? I'm seeing a big improvement. And in his spelling. Miracle worker. I'm not the only person saying it, either. If she can straighten my kid out, I don't care if my husband wants to sleep with her!" She chortled to herself.
The "miracle worker" was the first person I saw when I stepped through the gates. As usual, she was engaged in conversation with one of the fathers. These routine exchanges I had once looked upon with irritation and a hint of the green-eyed monster. Now I saw things differently. Now I knew better.
I waited for her to see me, to come over. And when she finally did look my way, instead of wrapping up her conversation and joining me, she continued speaking with the man. It was as though I wasn't even there.
Maybe that was for the best anyway, despite it making me feel like crap. What would we say to each other now, with all these people around? We could talk later, I decided. And by then hopefully I would have something worth saying.
The children filtered out of the classroom as the final bell of the day sounded throughout the building. Home time. I was already waiting in the playground with Miranda and another mom I spoke to on occasion.
With the bell went my nerves. It was time to confront her.
"Do you mind just watching Chester for a couple of minutes? I need to have a little chat with his teacher," I said to Miranda when I spotted Chester walking out of the building, his backpack almost half the size of him.
I said a brief hello, ruffled his hair as I passed, and told him to wait with Miranda.
I sucked in a deep breath, steadied my nerves as best I could, then plodded along the corridor to her room.
The door was wide open, but I knocked it anyway. She was sitting behind her desk, looking through a stack of papers, so serene, like an angel. She looked up, saw me and froze for a moment.
"I hope I'm not bothering you," I said.
"Actually, I'm pretty busy–"
"I think we should talk," I broke in.
She stood up, pretended to busy herself with the things on her desk, doing everything to avoid looking at me.
"That's unnecessary."
"How can you say that after...well, you know."
She laughed humorlessly. "You can't even say it."
It wasn't that I couldn't, but that I didn't want to. Not here, not with the door wide open, where anyone could hear. It was between us, this beautiful thing that had happened, and I wasn't ready for the whole world to know about it. Not yet, before I even knew what it meant myself.
"Ava, please, I don't want to make this awkward."
"Okay, and we won't. It was a silly mistake, a misjudging of the situation. It won't happen again, Danielle. You have my word." She collected some papers into her arms. "Now, if you'd excuse me, I have a meeting to get to."
"Ava," I said, but she was already walking past me to the door, barely looking at me.
My fingers ached to restrain her; my tongue burned to say the words that would stop her. But I couldn't. Not just because I was afraid, but because I genuinely didn't know what the right words were. Perhaps I should have told her the one thing I was certain of: I wanted it to happen again. And again. And again...
To say she was cold with me over the days that followed wouldn't have been accurate. It wasn't exactly a coldness, but a distance. She treated me almost as politely as she did everyone else. And I hated it! Our morning and afternoon conversations about any and everything had ceased. Even the polite smile of greeting she gave me had nothing in it. Being treated like everyone else sucked!
It went on like that for two weeks, as awkward as I suspected it would be; and once they were gone, I soon realized just how much our little talks had meant to me.
It was Friday afternoon, an hour before I had to pick up Chester from school, and I was vacuuming the lounge. Smash, smash went the cleaner into the furniture, as I furiously worked. I'd been cleaning the house since noon, not because it was dirty, but because it soothed me to clean. Well, it usually did. Today was the exception.
Everything infuriated me! The couc
h, the coffee table, the homemade lamp we'd had flown in especially (and expensively) from Italy. The weekend was about to start and I'd fallen into a funk. A funk that had been building for two weeks, and had finally come to a head.
So she kisses me and then decides I'm not worth talking to anymore, I thought bitterly. Who does she think she is, huh? Where does she get off?
The vacuum cleaner cut out suddenly. I spun round furiously to see Dominic standing with the wire dangling from his hand.
"What the hell did you do that for?"
"Your phone's ringing," he said. He handed it to me. "Beth."
I didn't want to speak to her, but he'd already answered for me. I glared at him. He'd no doubt been poking through my phone, reading my messages, seeing who I'd been calling lately. He'd done it before and made no secret of it.
"Beth, hi."
She spoke quickly, said she and her husband were stuck out of town and wouldn't make it back in time to pick up Jack, and if I could get him.
"Geez, what bit you in the ass today?" Dominic said once I'd hung up. "You walk around like that too much and your face will stay that way." It infuriated me more when he was in high spirits. I think he fed off my bad mood, like a mood-leech or something.
"It's no small wonder I don't already look like this permanently, living under the same roof as you," I snapped.
He only laughed, and I immediately regretted showing my anger, because I knew it only encouraged him to torment me.
"You're welcome to leave any time. Going back to your parents and confessing that your marriage has failed, after all the bridges you burned with them when you married me? I don't think anyone's going to be waiting with open arms."
It wasn't as awful as that, though I had become somewhat estranged from my parents. They hadn't even turned up to the wedding. My brother and sister, thankfully, were still in contact, however infrequent.
"How did you ever get like this?" I asked, shaking my head in wonderment at the man I'd wasted almost a decade of my life with.
He cupped my chin in his hand. "Honey, I have always been like this. You were just too in love to see it."