by Heidi Lowe
"And you made it easy for him. It was so easy for him to put his hands on you, like you were a prize. And you did nothing to stop him."
"What could I do? He's my husband."
She finally looked at me, and her eyes were a mixture of melancholy and ire. She'd never looked at me like that before. So cold, yet so hurt. I just wanted to hold her in my arms and make everything go away.
"And what am I to you?"
"You're...you're my lover." I shrugged hopelessly. What was I supposed to say? "You're my best friend. What he did doesn't change any of that."
The breath she let out was rattly, shaky. "It changes everything, Danielle. He had every right to do that to you, because he's your husband...and I'm just your lover."
"It isn't like that at all." I was losing the battle and growing frantic. I just didn't seem to have the right words. "Please don't do this, Ava. I–"
"I really can't see you right now. I'm sorry. I just...I can't talk to you. It hurts too much." Her voice cracked, and she turned away quickly so that I couldn't see her cry.
"Ava..."
"Please, I just need some time, all right?"
FIFTEEN
Leaving her that evening was the hardest thing I'd ever had to do. But without the right words, without knowing what they were, I couldn't make it better. It was exactly as we'd both said, and only now had we truly realized what the implications of that were: I was somebody else's wife.
I didn't say a word to Dominic when I climbed into the car. And I barely spoke a word at the ice cream parlor. I wanted to go straight home, but since I'd already promised Chester the treat, I had to sit through it, miserably.
It was after nine when Chester finally went down. I'd managed to keep my cool for more than two hours. An achievement, considering I was boiling up inside.
But as soon as my son was fast asleep, worn out from the long day, a dam inside me burst.
The sound of the television playing in the living room told me where Dominic was. I found him lounging on the couch watching highlights from a game, a beer clutched in his hand. I snatched up the remote and switched off the TV.
"What are you doing, Danielle? Turn it back on."
The devil was in me when I hurled the remote across the room. It smashed against the wall. It would have to be replaced at some point, but in my rage, none of that mattered.
"What the hell is wrong with you?" he demanded, shooting up from the couch.
"How dare you!" I pointed a shaky finger at him, my blood having reached boiling point.
"What?"
"You don't get to do that. You don't ever get to touch me again, you piece of crap." My hair shook wildly when I screamed at him.
He sneered back at me. "Did I upset someone, huh?" He wasn't referring to me.
"That's the last time I ever let you come near me, do you hear me? The last time. Even if I have to break your hand to get you off. I don't care who's watching."
"You keep forgetting something, Dani. I own you. Sickness and health, death do us part, remember?"
"Bullshit! And you can take this too." I wrested off my wedding ring. It had been off many times while I was with Ava – while I was inside her. Removing it for good would save me time later.
I tossed it at him. "Those words, our vows, this ring, everything about us is a farce. And I'm done playing the doting wife in public. That stunt you pulled this evening, that was the last of it."
I said these words more for my own benefit than his. As a promise to myself that no matter what the circumstance, I would never again pretend to be happy with him.
"You foolish little bitch!" he hissed. "You think you've got it all figured out, don't you? You get a smidgeon of attention and now you think you're a new woman." He grabbed me by the arm, and I couldn't break free. He was so strong, so angry. "Well I've got news for you, princess. Life can get pretty fucking uncomfortable out there for you if you want to go down this route. You want to make a fool of me?" he screamed, spit hitting my face. "I'll destroy you, Danielle. Don't fuck with me!"
He shoved me away. These were sides of each other we had never shown, and his side terrified me.
But that wasn't going to stop me. I scowled at him one final time before storming off. In the hallway I pulled on my jacket, grabbed my car keys. He watched me from the living room door.
"Just remember what I said. You go down this route, you're finished. You and the little whore you're running off to."
I said nothing, just slammed out of that house as fast as I could. As I drove, my eyes blurry with tears, my head cloudy with all the thoughts colliding, I wondered how long he'd known about us. At which point had my infidelity become apparent? He'd been dropping hints, making ambiguous comments for weeks, but had never expressly said it until now.
I trembled as I drove, unable to drive straight. It was a relief to make it to Ava's house in one piece.
It took me a couple of minutes, sitting behind the wheel, parked outside her house, to work up the courage to step out.
I hammered on the door when my ringing went unanswered. Wasn't she home yet? And if not, where was she? With whom?
But then I heard the faint sound of footsteps descending the stairs. The hallway light flicked on. Seconds later the door opened. A sheer, frilly nightgown clad Ava stared back at me, her brow furrowed in confusion.
"Dani, what are you–"
"Please, I know you said you needed time, and that you didn't want to see me, but this can't wait."
She let me in, and I followed her into the living room. Now I stood before her, feeling slightly hopeless. All I wanted was to take her in my arms, hold her, feel the warmth of her body against mine. The simple things in life.
There was still hurt in her eyes.
"Look, I need you to know something," I started. "Just hear me out."
"Okay."
"I never wanted him to touch me, and he is never going to do that again. I am so sorry I let him, and I'm sorry you had to see that."
Her breathing was heavy, labored. She said nothing.
"I messed up. Not just with that, but with you, after. I didn't have the words to express it then, but I do now. You asked me what you were to me." Tears filled my eyes but didn't fall immediately. I sniffed, stepped closer to her. "Everything. That's what you are to me. He's my husband, but you're my everything."
Her face softened, but she still remained silent.
"You have my heart, Ava."
"But he has your body..."
I shook my head vehemently, put my hands on her waist. "No, you have that too. I'm yours, and only yours. Heart, body and soul. Now please make love to me the way only you can."
She smashed her lips to mine. She couldn't exercise patience in stripping me bare any more than I could her. My clothes were torn from my body and carelessly tossed everywhere.
She took me on the soft rug – we didn't even make it to the couch. She laid me on my back, pinned my arms above my head, made me look at her, see her.
"You are mine," she said. "Mind, body and soul." A repeat of my own words for affirmation.
I nodded, and she kissed me again, rougher than usual. And when she slotted her naked body between my legs and I felt her wetness combine with my own, I knew that our love-making would be just as rough.
Her grinding was powerful, slow but with lots of pressure. We held each other's gaze while she raked her sex against mine. My body jerked beneath her, like a rag doll's. The happiest rag doll on Earth.
She kept me pinned down the whole time, our bodies pressed together. It was a glorious feeling to be so connected to her. We became one that night like we never had before.
And we came within seconds of each other, as close to simultaneous as we'd ever come.
She took my face in one hand, held me by my chin, and her eyes were filled with love. "You're everything to me too," she said. She'd presumably fucked all her aggression away, because now her touch and kiss were nothing but tender.
Tw
enty minutes later and we hadn't moved from the floor. Only now, she'd pulled the couch throw down to act as a blanket.
I lay on my stomach on the plush rug, barely covered up by the makeshift blanket, while she laid slow, wet kisses on my back and butt. I giggled every now and then when they tickled.
"Aren't you tired of kissing me there by now?" I said. While any kind of kiss from her, no matter its location, was appreciated, I wanted her lips on mine more than anything.
"Nope," she said between kisses. "I'll never get tired of kissing you."
I laughed and let her carry on. Eventually she kissed a trail up my back, along the back of my neck. She settled on top of me, pressing her naked weight against my flesh. I felt everything: the erect nipples, the moistness between her thighs as it clung to my buttocks. Soon I would be aroused all over again, if she wasn't careful.
"Say it again," she whispered, whilst kissing the side of my face.
I knew exactly what it was. "I love you."
She turned me over, kissed me. "And again."
"I love you." I was laughing now. I'd said it half a dozen times already that night.
She brushed her lips across mine. "And I love you, Danielle. I mean, I don't roll around on the floor naked with any old person."
We laughed lazily, tiredly.
"This is the first time I've done it on the floor," I said. "How very common of us. And I love it! Who needs a bed, right?"
We kissed and kissed for several more minutes, on the verge of another round of beautiful love-making, but we cuddled instead.
"I had a dream about you last night," she said.
"What was I doing in the dream? Something naughty?"
"Actually, it was a dream about you and Chester. I dreamed that you moved in with me."
I was quiet for a moment, because it was so unexpected. And timely.
Then I snuggled closer in her arms. "That sounds like a wonderful dream."
It was her turn to fall silent. I sensed that she was weighing up whether or not to say what she had planned. And then she did. "Can it ever be a reality?"
"If it were just me I had to look out for, I would move in with you tomorrow. But with Chester, it's not that simple."
"I know. I know. I don't want to pressure you. I just... It was a dream I didn't want to wake from, that's all."
She was so honest, always. About everything. And I had been too, mostly. But I stayed quiet over the fight I'd had prior to seeing her. About the conversation with Dominic. About his threats. I didn't tell her that he knew. I had my reasons, the most pertinent being that, as much as I loved her and wanted to be with her, I wasn't ready to be with her. It wasn't just about starting a new relationship. My life was so particular, and being Dominic's wife was heavily ingrained in that. There was also the little business of her being female, and my son's teacher.
In other words, it was a messy affair. If she'd known that I'd virtually come out to my husband, that he knew I was in love with her, I was sure she would push me to take those big steps. Steps I was ill-prepared to take.
So I kept shtum and let her lavish her love on me. I felt a bit like a leech – taking, and giving nothing in return.
SIXTEEN
In my mind I'd left Dominic over a year ago, months before Ava's arrival. We'd been sleeping in separate beds for nearly two years, after he'd given me an STI. Continuing to live in the same house was more out of convenience than any hope of working things out down the road and getting back together. At least, that was how I saw it. The cheating was one thing, but the STI, that changed everything. Sadness transformed into bitterness that had eventually – where we now sat – morphed into hatred. He'd never had a shot at winning me back, I just hadn't told him that.
Perhaps I should have. Not that he'd made any attempt to win my heart again. He'd always pictured us growing old together, while he banged every woman within a one hundred mile radius! His parents had been married fifty years, and they adored me. It made sense to keep the farce going. Disappointing them, and then reaching seventy and realizing you were completely alone thanks to losing the one woman crazy enough to marry you, wasn't in his plans.
He'd never banked on me finding someone else. He'd spent years making me feel unattractive, hinting that no one else would want me. All part of his scheme to keep me loyal, keep me by his side.
And now, I was searching for a small two-bed house close to Ava's place. Something temporary while I sorted my life out. Business was going fine, and I could afford to leave.
I sat in the dining room, my web browser open on one of the local real estate websites. I'd spent all morning searching, finding the whole thing terrifying but at the same time exciting. New beginnings were always scary.
"Naive," Dominic whispered by my ear, prompting me to jump and spill some of my coffee on the table. I'd been so engrossed in reading property descriptions, that I hadn't heard him come in. He'd been out all morning.
"What are you talking about?" I got a napkin and wiped up the spillage.
"You, trying to move out. I think it's naive."
I didn't like his smirk. It was only slightly less troubling than the side of him I'd seen a couple of weeks prior, on the night of our big bust up.
"Your opinion is of no concern to me." I returned to the screen and continued reading. A garden, a garage with space for one car. No pets.
He laughed. "Who's the second room for?"
"Don't ask stupid questions."
"It can't possibly be for Chester, because he isn't going anywhere."
He was trying to get my back up, and I wasn't going to let him. He couldn't stop me from leaving with my son. My rights as a mother would forever trump his. I had always been the more involved parent. He wouldn't stand a chance up against me in court, if it ever came to that.
"We'll see, Dominic," I said levelly. No use arguing. I was more than confident of my position.
"We shall," he said smugly. "Isn't it funny how little we think things through sometimes? We make these rash decisions without knowing what life has in store for us. Without realizing that it could all come crashing down in the blink of an eye."
What was he talking about now? Oh, what did it matter? I tutted, picked up my laptop and left the room. I wasn't going to give him an audience.
As soon as Ava opened the door that evening, I knew something was wrong. Her eyes were missing some of the spark I'd grown accustomed to.
"Would you like a drink?" she offered.
"No, I want you to tell me what's wrong."
"I don't want to talk about it right now. Can you kiss me first?"
I kissed her, and kissed her again, because it looked like she needed it more than air.
We sat down with a glass of red wine, which I barely touched. We talked around her problem, and I grew more and more impatient. It was obvious she had something on her mind.
Then, unable to take it anymore, I took her glass out of her hand and set it down. I kept hold of her hand. "What is it?"
"Nothing really. It's my problem. I can handle it."
"Your problems are mine now, or had you forgotten that I'm a part of your life?"
"No, I definitely didn't forget..." She looked away miserably.
"Okay, what's going on?"
"Have Mrs. Hawthorne or Mrs. Ross said anything to you about our friendship being...inappropriate?"
I frowned. "Miranda and Beth? No. What sort of question is that?" I was growing more confused by the second.
"The principal called me in for a meeting after school today. Apparently a couple of parents have made a complaint about you and me spending time together. Said that it was unprofessional because it sent the wrong message and encouraged favoritism."
"What?" I exclaimed, outraged. "That's nonsense! What right does anyone have to complain because two grown women are friends?"
"They think Chester will get special treatment over the other children."
"My God! Those bastards! I can't believe this.
" I was more appalled than she was, it seemed. Maybe she'd already been through this when she first heard the news. "Did he say who the parents were? And he actually said parents, as in more than one?"
"He said the identities were confidential."
I shook my head in disbelief. "I just can't imagine Beth or Miranda or anyone else I know doing something like this. Or caring enough about it. Not to mention the fact that all the parents love you, love what you've done for their children. I don't get this."
She shrugged tiredly. "Neither do I. But that's what he said. While he can't stop me spending time with you, he does think our talks in school should from now on be brief and only about Chester."
"That's bullshit!" It wasn't unreasonable to expect that our conversations in school only pertain to school business, but the fact that this man was, in essence, compelling her to stop being my friend in public, rankled me. "Where the hell does he get off, huh?"
"It's okay, Dani, honest." She kissed my face to calm me down, and it worked for a minute. "I see you almost every evening anyway. He can't take that away from us."
"But–"
She pressed a finger to my lips to silence me, before replacing her finger with her lips. If anything could placate me, it was her kiss. "Let's not let this ruin our evening."
"Okay. I'll try."
I remained in a weird mood for the rest of the night, racking my brains trying to figure out what asshole had run squealing to the principal. Beth and Miranda had both used the term "special treatment", but in jest. I didn't want to believe that they were behind this.
We watched some stand-up comedy on television, her way of lightening the mood, and then we cuddled. Time seemed to speed by when we were together, and before long it was time for me to go. It was a school night, and I needed to get back to Chester. We'd settled on one as the cut off time, though we frequently ran over.
"Ugh, I hate this part," I grumbled, not wanting to get up. My limbs felt heavy. Heavy with reluctance.
"There is a way you can avoid this part entirely..."