by Heidi Lowe
But something else troubled me when I learned of her resignation. Not just the thought of the instability in Chester's class, something even more personal. It had been a mere week and a half since I'd last seen her, and I was already crumbling. I missed her. My body missed her. I'd never banked on her leaving, and just assumed she would stick it out, and that we would see each other daily. Even though it would have been painful, not seeing her was far worse. That I wasn't prepared for.
It was Saturday evening when I drove down to her place. I had no right to be there, and she had every right to tell me to go to hell. But at least we would exchange words. I just needed to see her, even if it was a brief and heated exchange. She could call me all the names under the sun as long as she spoke to me.
I saw the living room light on through the window, heard the faint sound of the television. She was in. I knocked. The television went silent, but I heard no more movement. I knocked and rang, more frantically this time.
"Ava, it's me, Danielle."
The television sound came back on, but this time the volume increased. She was blocking me out.
"Ava, please open the door. I just want to talk."
She never did.
My fists hurt from all the banging. A neighbor came out to tell me it was late, that I should be on my way. Making a scene wasn't my style, so I apologized and left, shooting one final, longing look at Ava's house. It felt a lot like the life I'd perfected for myself was slowly crumbling around me.
"What's up, buddy?" I asked Chester a couple of weeks later. We were at the dinner table, and he'd been wearing that glum expression since he got back home from school.
"May I be excused?"
"Not until you tell me what's wrong."
He let out a heavy sigh. "Do I have to go back to school?"
I laughed. "Of course you do, honey. You need an education."
"But school's no fun without Miss Petal."
I swallowed. Every time he mentioned her name, which was daily, I felt a pang in my chest.
Through the corner of my eye I saw Dominic smirking. It made me wish I'd given him a secret helping of dog food in his chilli con carne!
"Oh honey, you'll get another good teacher soon." It wasn't a promise I could make, and I wasn't at all convinced.
Chester also wasn't buying it. "No we won't. Miss Petal was the best."
"Your mom clearly doesn't think so. What happened, Dani, you finally realized she didn't have the right parts to satisfy you?"
"You're disgusting," I said. Normally I kept comments like that to myself, but lately I'd been loath to do so. What was the point now? We couldn't raise Chester in a loving marriage – that was impossible to fake twenty-four hours a day – so the charade was redundant.
"Can we go see her?" Chester asked, big eyes filled with hope.
"She's busy, honey. She has a new job that takes up all of her time. I'm sure she misses you as much as you miss her, though."
Dominic snorted a laugh. "Who are we talking about here, Danielle? Him or you?"
Chester was still too young to understand what was being hinted at, and for that I was thankful. But the denigrating of his mother by his father was difficult to ignore at any age.
"It's not funny, Dad," he said, sulking.
"You can be excused now, honey. Go watch some TV." I waited until he had left the room before I exploded. "You... You shit!" It was the first thing that came to my head, and seemed to fit him well. "You disgusting pig! You are the worst human being I have ever had the displeasure of meeting. You think this is all a game, that it's funny what you started?"
"It's pretty funny, yes." He was laughing at me. My relationship was over, thanks to his intervention, and all he could do was laugh.
"You couldn't just let me be happy, could you? You couldn't let Chester be happy. He finally gets a teacher he likes, who's actually good for him, and you had to destroy that, you selfish piece of...of..."
"The kid will be fine. But you won't. Did you honestly think you could start fucking a woman, right under my nose, and I would let you get away with that?" Now he wasn't laughing, he had risen to his feet, and his face was the picture of pure disgust. "My son's teacher! I warned you not to try to make a fool of me, Danielle. I warned you. So your whore had to suffer."
"It was you, wasn't it? Who went to the principal and complained about our friendship?" It finally dawned on me. The thought had crossed my mind, but I didn't think he would have been so petty.
"And I made sure everyone at school learned about Lovely Miss Petal, the dyke who has a thing for much younger women." He grinned heinously. "I embellished a little there, but it did the job. Made them fear that their innocent daughters were in danger."
"Oh my God!" My body felt weak. My mouth hung open in shock. "You made them think she was a child molester... How could you be so sick?"
"I did what I had to do. If you think you get to run off with some gash you've only known a few months, you're wrong."
I wandered out of the room absentmindedly, so flabbergasted I couldn't speak, and still couldn't close my mouth. It was as though I was in a trance as I walked up the stairs and into my bedroom. Every action I did after that felt like I was being guided by some invisible force. Pulling open the closet door, filling my suitcase with clothes and essentials, then going into Chester's room and doing the same with his things.
I lugged Chester's suitcase out to the car first, and Dominic saw me.
"What the hell do you think you're doing?" he demanded when I came back in to collect my case.
"Something I should have done a long time ago. I'm leaving you." I was so calm, anyone who saw me then would have thought me insane. But I had never been more sane.
"Like hell you are," he said, and grabbed my wrist.
"If you don't get your hands off me, Dominic, I swear to God I'll scream this house down, and everyone in the neighborhood will know what sort of man you are. And any relationship you have with your son will be from behind a glass screen." He'd never been physically abusive to me, and this was not a good time to start. I would ruin his life if he ever tried to stop me from leaving.
"You're not taking my son anywhere." He let go.
"My son! He's my son, and he's coming with me. Now get the hell out of my way."
I got my case, loaded it into the trunk. In the living room, the furniture and electronics were being smashed and broken by my furious husband, who'd realized he'd lost. He'd banked on me not wanting to disturb my perfect life. And he'd gone too far. I couldn't live under the same roof as a man who could do something so disgraceful.
"Chester, come on, honey, get your coat on."
"Where are we going?"
"We're staying in a hotel while Mommy finds something more permanent."
"Is Dad coming?"
"No. You can see him in a few days."
I packed my son and myself into the car and sped off without glancing back at the house.
TWENTY
"It's nice. I like it. Has a homely feel to it," Beth said, giving her verdict on my new house. I'd just finished showing her around.
"That was the feel I was going for. Also, I needed something quick. I couldn't stay another night cooped up in that hotel room."
"You could have stayed with us, I told you that."
I made us coffees, then we sat down at the brand new dining table in the kitchen.
"I didn't want to put you guys out, or get you in the middle of the breakup."
She shook her head over and over. "I still can't believe you're separated. Nothing makes sense anymore."
"Well believe it. We'd been sleeping in separate beds for almost two years. Hadn't been intimate in just as long."
"So what happens now? The dreaded D-word?"
I smiled. Nothing about it was dreaded, not anymore. "Yup. I met with a lawyer yesterday. I want a clean break. A fresh start."
"No alimony?"
I shook my head. "He can provide for his son, but I want
nothing from him."
"Wow." She sipped her coffee. "I hate that you didn't come to me with this when the affairs started."
"What would you have done?"
"I would have told you to cut his balls off!"
We laughed. It felt great to be able to come clean about the hell I'd been through with Dominic. I should have known Beth would be supportive.
"And how is Chester taking it?"
"Well, actually. They've seen each other a couple of times. He understands that we're not getting back together. He's adjusting to the new house, the new situation. Sadly, I wish I could say the same about school."
"Ugh, tell me about it. Miss Petal's only been gone a few weeks and I'm already seeing a marked deterioration in Jack's work. Why the hell did she have to leave?"
"You know why. Because a few bigots couldn't stand the fact that she's gay, and pushed her out," I said bitterly.
"Yeah but that was just a handful of idiots. Most people didn't give a damn. Well, apart from some of the disgruntled husbands who thought they had a shot with her."
"Most people didn't come to her defense." How hypocritical of me to condemn others for not doing what I'd also failed to do.
"It's a nightmare. If I'd been there I would have had her back. She's the best teacher that class is ever likely to get. Do you know what she's doing now?"
"I heard she's tutoring," I said casually.
"Hmm, so she's still in the field. Maybe I should give her a call, see if she'd be willing to give Jack some lessons."
After Beth had left, I jumped on my laptop. She'd given me an idea. I had tried to contact Ava several times since our split, even turned up at her house twice, but she either wasn't in or didn't want to speak to me.
I had her tutoring email address, which I'd obtained after some stealthy internet searching. I sent the message from my new email address, one that used my maiden name, a name she wasn't familiar with. I arranged a tutoring session with her. It was a genius idea. She didn't know about the new house, so would be none the wiser.
Three days later, half five, Chester was waiting in the dining room.
"Why do I need a tutor?" he asked.
"Because I don't want you to fall behind in school."
He wasn't happy about it. I smiled to myself imagining the look on his face when he saw who his new tutor was.
When the bell rang, my heart did a big leap. A queasy feeling settled in my stomach.
I pulled the door open slowly. Her face seemed to display just about every emotion imaginable in those few seconds when she realized I had tricked her. And then it settled on anger.
"What is this?"
"Hi," I said shyly.
"What is this, Danielle?" she asked again, this time with more force.
"Just hear me out. I'm sorry I tricked you into coming here. Well, it's not exactly a trick, I do want you to tutor, but–" I bumbled. I had this whole speech planned, and somewhere in it I was supposed to confess that I'd tried to live without her and couldn't. And also that I'd started divorce proceedings.
But she wasn't about to let me get that far into my declaration.
She held up a hand to silence me. "I don't care. And you shouldn't have done this."
"But don't you want to know why I'm here now? I left my husband."
There was a flicker of something – surprise maybe – but it was faint and brief. She sighed. "Good for you. I have to go now."
"Miss Petal!" Chester turned up just in time, running out of the house and diving into her arms.
"Hey, Chester." She smiled sadly at him, but at me she glowered.
"Are you my tutor?"
"No, sweetie. I can't be your tutor. I'm sorry." She stroked his hair, then looked up at me. "That's not fair, Danielle. Not fair at all."
"He misses you. What did you expect? And I miss you too."
She separated herself from Chester, even though I could see how painful it was for her to do so. "I can't do this, I'm sorry."
She turned and started off quickly down the drive.
"Ava, please, don't go," I called, but she didn't stop. She climbed into her car and took off.
I cried myself to sleep that night. It was foolish of me to think that it would be that easy. I cried, clutching my pillow, convinced that what we had could no longer be salvaged.
I suppose the thing that continued to haunt me was that, despite Ava seeing that I had taken the huge step of leaving my husband, she'd remained mostly indifferent. Because the truth was, my move was about me, not about us. And although she had a lot to do with it, it was something I would have eventually done whether or not she'd entered my life.
So in that respect, nothing had really changed. It didn't change the past, namely my failure to come to her defense, to be there for her when she needed me the most. She'd seen who I really was: a coward who hated myself and what I was. If she couldn't depend on me, what was the point?
But I refused to believe that she had stopped loving me. I was stubborn like that. If she had ever felt as strongly for me as I did for her, the flame of our love would still be burning strong in her heart. And while it did, there was still a chance for me to win her back. Still hope for us. That belief was one of the only things that got me up each morning.
Seeing as my last attempt to get her to talk to me again hadn't worked, I had to come up with something bigger. Better. Something she couldn't just walk away from.
And then I had it.
Miranda was the first person on my list. If I could get through to her, she could help me with the others.
"They were pretty nasty to her. I don't think anything we say could change her mind. And I wouldn't blame her," Miranda said of my new plan, as we stood in the playground waiting for the kids to come out.
"I mean, we're all suffering for it now," she continued. "Our kids are. And the finger pointing has started. The ones that attacked her are being blamed for ruining their kids' futures. Lots of remorse. She would feel pretty self-satisfied right now knowing how screwed we are without her."
"She wouldn't be. She's not like that," I said sadly. "She actually cared about the kids; if they're suffering, it won't please her."
"It's a good plan, I guess." She shrugged. "We can probably get most of the parents to go along with it. And you know the kids will be up for it."
I looked at her seriously. "We don't need most, we need all. I know some of them are homophobic apes, but for this to work they all have to be on board."
"That might be tricky."
"It won't be if they care about their children."
She looked at me. "This really means a lot to you, doesn't it?"
I fought back my tears and nodded. "I just hope it works."
It was the last day of the semester, and a couple of hours before the end of school. I pulled up outside Ava's house. No hesitating, no hiding out in my car in order to build my courage. The past few weeks had seen me at my most courageous. My nerves weren't going to stand in the way of this.
I knocked the door, the DVD clasped tightly in my hand. I'd watched it several times, watched thirty-eight little faces declare how much they loved and missed their "favorite teacher in the whole world". How much she'd taught them and how much they wanted her to come back next semester.
I'd heard from many of the parents, Mrs. Richter among them, how ignorant and foolish they'd been, or how well their children worked with her. Even heard from the principal and staff, saying how much they loved her faculty jokes, her infectious laugh, and her positive energy.
Every heart she'd ever touched in that school was represented on that DVD. Only mine was missing.
I knocked and knocked. I heard movement upstairs but she didn't come to open the door.
I crouched down at the mailbox, pushed the flap open. "If you're not going to listen to me, listen to them." I dropped the DVD in. "They can say it better than I can. If you really don't care, then so be it. But if you do, you'll know what to do."
I walk
ed back to my car, praying that her curiosity would get the better of her. I had so much riding on the recording. We all did. Seeing Chester had upset her before, but not enough for her to stay and tutor him. But thirty-eight adoring students... I hoped that overwhelming amount of love would be too much for her to ignore.
"Did you give it to her?" Beth asked that afternoon in the playground. She and Miranda waited with bated breath for my answer.
"Yes, but she didn't want to speak to me. I dropped it through her mailbox." I let out a dejected sigh. "I guess it wasn't enough. I really thought it would be."
"She might surprise us next semester. Who knows?" Miranda shrugged.
"She planned to go back to Bolivia in the summer. There's a very real chance she won't come back." I felt sick again. If she moved there I would lose her forever. She would forget me. The thought was almost too much to bear. I became a little lightheaded.
The bell rang. There was that almost ominous silence that passed as we all waited for our kids to be released. Several of the older classes were the first to come out. And then came Chester's class. I spotted him and he started toward me. And then he looked right past me. His eyes grew wide as saucers, and the largest smile spread across his face.
"Miss Petal!"
He wasn't the only one now running straight past their parents to their former teacher, who was standing at the gate. She was like the Pied Piper of Hamelin, leading thirty-eight adoring kids to her.
"Looks like it worked," Beth said, glee in her voice.
Within seconds they had swarmed her, hugs coming from all directions, from every child. She chuckled and hugged them back.
I just stood there, immobilized, a million different thoughts running through my head.
She was here! I'd gotten through to her. She was more beautiful than ever, surrounded by the love of her old class.
Moments later a few of the parents who had condemned her several weeks prior, and had forced her to resign, approached her. There were sorries and handshakes, and lots of shame on their faces. They knew how badly they'd messed up. Apologizing was the least they could do.