“So, tell me what you did to break out of the writer’s block,” she said, by way of greeting. “Tell me everything.”
I smiled. “Good morning to you as well, Sam,” I said with a laugh. “Well… okay, I’ll just start from the beginning. Last night I decided to do some more research – you know, to get some more material for the story.”
She raised an eyebrow. “So you met another guy yesterday after I left? What, are you going the threesome route now?”
I laughed, but my smile faded quickly after that. “No, I didn’t meet anyone new. I decided to try a new perspective on things… so I called Jamie.” The shock on her face showed how well she knew me. “I know, I know, it’s totally out of character. But I don’t plan to make this any sort of relationship, trust me.” I was babbling now, but I couldn’t stop. “I just thought I could carry on a short fling like my characters do. You know, to see what it’s really like. And since I have Jamie on call most recently, he was the right choice. It’s fine, it’s nothing. It’s nothing.”
Sam shook her head. “Are you trying to convince me of that, or to convince yourself?”
I shook my head slowly. “I just… I don’t know, Sam.”
She took a deep breath and looked me in the eyes. “I think this will be good for you, Tasha. You may not be the type to settle down, but I don’t think you’re as wild as you try to be.”
Her words stung a bit, even thought she hadn’t meant them to. I considered her remark for a moment. Was that really the problem? Was I just too scared to try anything more than a one-night stand?
For the moment, I shook it off. “Either way, I’m only in this for a short time. I’m actually going on vacation in two weeks, and I’ll say my goodbyes to Jamie when I head out.” She looked skeptical, and I squared my shoulders. “I mean it, Sam. I can already tell you, after actually allowing him to spend the night – to cook breakfast in my kitchen, of all things – I don’t feel anything, and that’s not going to change.”
“I don’t believe you,” she said. “If that’s true, then why did you call me here?”
I waved her off. “I don’t want a relationship,” I insisted. “I just want good sex that I can turn into incredible erotica that sells. That’s it. I’ve been hurt before, okay? And hurt bad enough to know that I don’t want it to happen again.”
“Is that what this is about? Is that why you turned to this lifestyle?” Sam sat back in her chair, clearly stunned. “Look, Tasha, life is about hurt. That’s how we experience growth: through pain, and loss, and sorrow. We learn a lot through those things – about ourselves, about who we are. Life is a process. You can’t just skip out on the hard parts.”
She sounded so wise, and I hated her for it. She was so much younger than me; how could she preach to me about love and loss? How could she tell me what was best for me, and about what I needed in order to grow? This was why I had so few friends. Too many people thought they knew better than you and tried to control you. Angrily, I stood and grabbed my purse and my coffee.
“I can see we have a difference of opinion. Listen, Sam, I’m not about to sit here and listen to love life advice from someone so much younger than me, who can’t even figure out her own sexuality.”
She ignored my insult, as misguided as it was. “Tasha, don’t.” She reached out as if to stop me, but didn’t touch me. I stood there and waited, wondering what she was going to say, seething inside, but wanting to be soothed.
We stared at each other for a long moment, but she seemed to be unable to find the right words. “I just… worry about you,” she said finally. “You’ve been really moody lately, and I can’t figure out what’s going on with you.”
I rolled my eyes. “You think I have an answer? Look, that’s part of why I’m going on vacation. I need to get away from everything, including the writing. I just… I need to step away.”
She nodded. “I get it. But Tasha, do yourself a favor. Don’t waste this time with Jamie. Learn from it; don’t push him away, even if it scares you. And then, while you’re ‘stepping away from it all,’ you can take the time to evaluate all this from a distance.” Her voice got softer now, and her tone became gentler as she spoke. “Maybe the reason you’re finding yourself jaded is because you don’t belong in this lifestyle. Maybe, somewhere deep down inside, you’re discontent because you want to settle down. You just have to work out what you want, and find the courage to open your heart to it. Because if you don’t…”
She trailed off, and I took the opportunity to put up a hand, stopping her from going on any longer. “Look, I’ll think about it. And I appreciate your advice, I do. But I just can’t think about this any more right now. I’ll see you later, Sam.”
I left the coffee shop, ripples of adrenaline and confusion surging through me. As I pushed through the doorway, a guy tried to say hello to me – but I scarcely registered his voice as I hurried past him out to the car. For some reason I couldn’t name, I felt a hot pressure behind my eyes, as if tears were in danger of falling if I weren’t careful.
As soon as I started the car and drove away from the coffee shop, I began to feel better. It felt good to get away from everything, even if I thought I’d pissed off Sam. I didn’t know why I was so much better at pushing people away than I was at keeping them close.
Calming down on the drive home, I knew that I was changing, and I resigned myself to the knowledge that I had a lot of self-exploration to do. I didn’t know if I’d find the answer – whether with Jamie, or on vacation, or however it may come – but there was a definite need to search. I saw that now, and I had to believe I’d be okay with it. Despite all my struggling, I was finally making my peace with the need to look for the answers outside my comfort zone.
But still, some nagging feeling told me that I’d better tread carefully – because at the rate I was going, who knew where I’d end up…
*To Be Continued*
Thanks for reading! I am a debut author and I welcome all feedback from readers… Please let me know if you would like to be informed of future books. (I’ll even send you a copy for free!)
– Angela
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Look for Book Two of THE GIRL WHO WROTE EROTICA,
coming this fall!
Contact Angela: [email protected]
Copyright 2013 by Angela Jordan. All rights reserved.
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