by Jenny Frame
My past is always going to hurt me.
For the first time since rehab, she felt like crying. She thought working hard and giving her service to others would be enough to give her life meaning, but it wasn’t enough any more. Now she had tasted what love might feel like, had tasted Roza, and she knew she would have that craving for the rest of her life.
She sat back in the seat and noticed Roza’s shrug in the passenger seat. She lifted it and put it to her face and inhaled Roza. She looked at herself in the driver’s mirror, and said, “I can’t live without putting this right.” Even if their relationship was impossible, she couldn’t go on with her life knowing that Roza thought the worst of her.
Lex drove over to St James’s Palace but wasn’t even allowed past the front gate, orders from Major Ravn.
She left a message that the agent on the gate said he would pass on, but who knew if he would, so when she got home she sent another message on her phone, and just prayed Roza would read it.
*
Roza felt dazed, confused, and so terribly hurt, but she did know she had to find out the truth for herself. When she had seen the woman kiss Lex it felt like the bottom fell out of her world. She could never have pictured Lex doing that to her while she was on a date with her. Thea, yes, but not Lex.
Roza knew she had to talk to Lex face-to-face, especially after she got her message. Ravn drove her across London to Lex’s house, and when they stopped, Ravn said, “Are you sure about this? She’s upset you enough already.”
“Yes, I’m sure. I need to talk to her. Would you have believed Lex would go off with another woman while she was with me?”
Ravn was silent for a few seconds and said finally, “No. I wouldn’t have thought she would, but just make sure you are not being duped.”
Roza leaned over and kissed a surprised Ravn on the cheek. “Thanks for looking out for me.”
“I’m here in your brother’s stead, so I’ll always take care of you.”
Roza smiled and got out of the car. She looked up at Lex’s living room window and saw her looking back at her.
Please, Lex, please have an explanation. I think I might love you.
Lex let her in and they went into the living room. “Thank you for coming. Can I get you tea, coffee, I think I might have juice—”
Roza sat on the couch. “Just tell me the truth, Lex. I don’t care about anything else. Do you know how much it hurt to find you in another woman’s arms? I brought you to meet my family. I thought I meant something to you.”
Lex dropped to one knee in front of her. “You did, you do. What you think you saw wasn’t what it looked like.”
“That’s the usual excuse, but it certainly looked like she was kissing you, and you pushed her up against the trailer. Do you know how many times I found Thea in that position? But she just laughed at me, and I ran after her like a puppy. I’m not going to put up with that any more.”
“Roza, I swear to you, I did not kiss her. She was someone I knew from my days as an addict. She spotted me when I was on my way to the car.”
“So how did she get you behind a horsebox with her tongue in your mouth?”
“She didn’t,” Lex said with frustration. Lex got up and started to pace. “She was drunk, drugged up, and acting stupidly. I wanted to help her back to her VIP tent and leave her there but she launched herself at me. She kissed me and I tried to push her away but—”
“A big strong person like you couldn’t push off a little woman like her?”
Lex got up quickly and turned her back on Roza. “I was fighting my cravings, okay?” Lex nearly shouted. “She had a bag of cocaine and was trying to talk me into hitting it with her.”
Roza was shocked. “But you’re clean now.”
Lex turned around and said quietly, “I still crave, I’ll never stop craving, especially when I’m stressed.”
Roza stood and approached Lex. “Why were you stressed?”
“I was meeting your family, who just happen to be the British royal family, who also just happen to be particularly protective of you because of how your ex treated you.”
Roza reached out to touch Lex’s cheek. “I know they are a bit protective but they were still nice to you, weren’t they?”
“Of course they were. It’s me.” Lex beat her chest with her fist. “My demons inside tell me I’m not good enough, that I’ll never be accepted. When I take drugs, it dulls those demons for a while.” Lex cupped Roza’s face with her hands, and hoped the absolute truth would get through to her. “I was so close to giving in and I thought of you. I thought about you saying you were proud of me and how good it felt to kiss you. Believe me, I did nothing wrong.”
Roza closed in on her lips, and whispered, “All I’ve ever wanted is for you to look at me the way you looked at her.”
“I was looking at her like I wanted to get away,” Lex said desperately.
Roza wiped away her tears furiously. “I want you to look at me like I look at you.”
Lex replied, “You think I don’t? I want to kiss you every time I look at you. You’re the most infuriating woman I’ve ever met, and sometimes I just want to shut you up with a kiss, but you’re a princess and so far out of my league.”
Roza grasped her shirt and said, “I believe you about what happened. Make love to me?”
“No.” Lex shook her head. “Not like this, you’re upset.”
“Why do you have to be so noble all the time?” Roza snapped.
Lex took her hand and kissed it softly, even though all her body wanted to do was touch her. “Because no one has ever treated you the way you deserve. You don’t have to give up your body to me just to receive love and affection.”
Roza slipped her hands around Lex’s neck and scratched her fingernails down the nape to her collar, triggering a heat that waved all over her body. “Kiss me. I want you, Lex.”
Lex was using every last ounce of her restraint. She wanted Roza so badly, but she didn’t want to take from her the way everyone else had done. She wrapped her arms around Roza and whispered into her ear, “I don’t want to be like everyone else has been in your life.”
Roza pushed back from her in frustration. Tears ran down her cheeks, sadness and longing evident in her eyes. “If you don’t want to be like everyone else has been in my life, then give me love. That’s all I’ve ever wanted.”
The heartfelt plea reached somewhere inside Lex, deep in her soul, and she could not refuse it. No matter what the future held, she was certain her purpose was to show Roza love as long as they were in each other’s lives.
She cupped Roza’s cheek and wiped away her tears with her thumb. “Go and tell Ravn you’re staying.”
*
When she came back, Roza stood by the living room door, suddenly feeling nervous. This was what she wanted, but what she had asked of Lex was not something Thea had ever given her, and that was something she craved but was scared of at the same time.
Lex sat on the couch and beckoned her over. She held her hand out to Roza. “Come here.”
Roza held her position, scared to take this final step. What if she shared this with Lex and she was rejected by someone else in her life?
Lex seemed to read her apprehension. “You don’t have to worry about anything, Princess. Sit down, we can talk for a while.” She pulled her down to sit beside her. “I don’t want anything from you, only what you want to share with me,” Lex said.
“Lex, I want to tell you something.”
Lex sat back and opened her arms. Roza rested her head in the crook of her neck. “What do you want to tell me?”
How could she explain? Why was it so hard to admit all the worries and pain she had kept locked up inside for so long. “It’s hard to explain.”
Lex smiled and stroked her hair. “I’m here to listen if you want to talk.”
Roza closed her eyes and just spoke from her heart. “Everyone always thinks I’m promiscuous—well, experienced at least. I went to par
ties, drank a lot of champagne, and people started to make assumptions, especially in the press. It suited me to have that reputation because I knew it would horrify Father.”
“And you were always wanting his attention, even if it was negative?” Lex said.
Lex always seemed to understand even before she explained. Roza nodded. “Yes, I suppose. People that were interested in me were always disappointed when I left them at the end of an evening. They wanted the badge of honour of sleeping with a princess, and when they didn’t get one, they often made up a story to sell to the press. In reality I only ever shared myself with Thea.”
“Because you loved her?”
In Lex’s arms she felt so safe. Safe enough that she could unburden what she had kept locked up tight. “I thought I loved her. Really I think I was emotionally dependent on her. Unlike the others I met, she knew I was not this tough party girl. She realized early on I was quite innocent in the ways of love and sex, and she played me.”
Tears started to fall from her eyes as she explained what she had kept locked up inside.
“The first time was okay but she became selfish, and said I was boring, that I was a pillow princess, and put me down all the time. She blamed me for her straying with other women.”
Lex tenderly stroked away her tears. “She was just trying to control you emotionally, Princess. She used you and used your position, and I hope you know I would never do that.”
Roza nodded. “I know you wouldn’t. Do you think I’m boring?”
“You are the most beautiful woman I’ve ever met, and you’re in my head constantly. You make me crave you, Roza. I’ve never craved anyone in my life before. When I look at you, all I want to do is touch you, and make you come hard and fast because I can’t wait to take it slow. Does that sound like you’re boring?”
Roza clambered up onto her lap, and clasped her hands to Lex’s cheeks. “I want you so much, Lex. I think I’m starting to fall—”
Lex silenced her by kissing her hard on the lips, and Roza met her passion with equal fervour and started to grasp at Lex’s shirt, trying desperately to pull off her tie and undo her buttons.
Lex pulled back and struggled to pull off Roza’s T-shirt, then discarded it. Roza quickly unclipped her bra and allowed her soft, full breasts to tumble free.
Roza watched Lex still and gaze longingly at her breasts, and reach out to cup them with her hands.
“Oh, Jesus,” Lex said.
Roza placed her hands on top of Lex’s and encouraged her to squeeze whilst her hips started to move in instinct, longing for her touch.
Lex closed her eyes and leaned her head back as if she was savouring touching her. When she opened them again, there was a desperate hunger in Lex’s eyes that made her heart beat faster and ache inside.
“Do you know how much I’ve wanted to touch you ever since I met you?”
Roza shook her head. “I didn’t think my flirting affected you.”
“Affected me?” Lex brushed her thumbs over Roza’s nipples whilst never taking her eyes off her. “You didn’t flirt, you teased me relentlessly. When you teased me with the chocolate, I wanted to make you come there and then.”
“Oh God.” Roza was so turned on she started to touch her own body, and popped the button on her jeans.
Lex caught her hand and stopped her from going any further. “You teased me so much, and I need you so much that I can’t wait any longer. I need to make you come and come on you.”
Roza attacked her mouth with kisses, then pulled Lex’s hand to the fly of her jeans. She felt hot, throbbing, and so yearned for Lex’s touch.
Lex sat forward and, to Roza’s surprise, lowered her to the rug on the floor, and immediately started to unbutton Roza’s jeans.
“Oh, and there’s nothing wrong with being a pillow princess.” Lex smiled. Lex sucked her nipple into her hot mouth and gently bit down with her teeth, causing Roza to shout out. Lex swirled her wet tongue around Roza’s painfully erect nipple, making her arch her back and moan. “I’m very much a top, and I would think it my great honour to have you as my pillow princess.”
Roza giggled. “You couldn’t be anything else but a butch top, Lennox King.” She was so turned on and desperate for Lex’s touch that Roza grasped her own breast and squeezed.
Lex kissed and licked her way up her chest to her neck and softly bit her chin. “I want to make you come, Princess.”
Roza gasped in surprise when Lex pushed past her underwear and straight into the warmth of her sex.
“Yes, baby,” Roza moaned, and helped shrug off her jeans before setting to work on Lex’s button and fly.
Lex split her fingers and rubbed the outside of Roza’s clit, making her hips buck. “You’re so wet, Princess.”
All Roza could think about was Lex’s fingers inside her. “Take your trousers off and come with me, Lex.”
Lex kicked off her own trousers and slipped two fingers deeply inside Roza. She gasped out loud and Lex stilled allowing her to get used to the feel. When she felt Roza’s hips start to move, she straddled her thigh and started to pump her fingers and her own hips.
The feeling was incredible. Nothing she could have imagined would have compared to the feel of Roza and the sounds she was making.
Roza grasped her short hair and pulled her down and into a kiss. Lex swirled her tongue around Roza’s mouth as her own orgasm built up fast.
Lex groaned when Roza reached down and held the hand that was fucking her. That was such a turn on for Lex. “You like that?” Lex gasped.
Roza nodded and responded by arching her back and raising her thigh so Lex got a harder contact. “I love it. I want to come with your fingers inside me. I’m going to come soon, Lex.”
Lex hastened her thrusts, and although she felt like she could come at any moment, she slowed her hips on Roza’s thigh because she wanted to see her as orgasm flushed all over her body.
Roza’s breaths shortened to gasps and Lex could feel her walls start to grasp her fingers as Roza’s orgasm started to pulse.
“Oh God, harder, please…”
“That’s it. Let go.” Lex made sure to take in everything as Roza’s orgasm surged over her. When Roza’s nails pressed into her shoulders and she yelled out in passion, Lex couldn’t help but restart her thrusts on Roza’s thigh.
It didn’t take long for her orgasm to hit as she was wound up so tight. Lex gasped and then let out a long, deep groan. Her orgasm was so intense it was almost painful, but as her body gave out, Roza’s loving arms wrapped around her, and hugged her tightly.
“It’s okay, I feel it too,” Roza whispered.
Lex was shaking. It had been so long since she felt something like this, but she had never in fact experienced something so intense. She felt destroyed—her heart and soul had been conquered by this woman, and it was truly frightening. How was she ever to recover when she left her?
Roza kissed her and stroked her cheek. “I think I’m falling in love with you, Lex.”
Lex leaned up and, still breathing hard, looked into Roza’s beautiful eyes. “You are everything to me, Princess.” Lex felt if she didn’t say she was falling in love too, then somehow their parting, when it inevitably came, wouldn’t be quite so heartbreaking. But even as she thought it, she knew it wasn’t true.
Roza chuckled. “You couldn’t even wait till you got me to the bedroom?”
“I don’t do delayed gratification. It’s one of my weaknesses.”
Roza caressed her face tenderly. “We’ll have to work on that then.”
*
The next morning Roza opened Lex’s large fridge and stared at its contents. The fridge was a testament to Lex’s controlled and ordered life, but one thing Roza had learned from last night was that Lex couldn’t control her passionate self. Once Roza had broken through that stoic shell Lex kept around herself, and teased out the wild, hungry part, there was no stopping her. Lex was right. She couldn’t do delayed gratification, and that seemed to
be a fundamental part of her psyche.
Roza suspected that was why she had to keep such control over her daily life, because if she didn’t her addictions might return.
Lex was not only a passionate, fevered lover, she was also unselfish to the point that Roza had to beg for mercy and sleep. The warmth from her memories spread throughout her body, and those parts of her that were sensitive this morning ached again.
She took out a bottle of ice-cold water and took a big gulp to cool down.
As she looked through the healthy vegetables and salads, desperately trying to find something remotely unhealthy for breakfast, she thought back to what Lex had said about teasing her with the chocolate she bought her, and it gave her an idea of how to maybe show Lex waiting could be good too.
Chocolate, she thought. What she wouldn’t give for some pain au chocolat and a mocha, but sadly all Lex stocked were food bags of what looked like prepared meals, bottles of water and other health drinks, and drawers full of fruits and vegetables.
“God, does she have anything remotely tasty?”
“It depends what your definition of tasty is.”
Roza jumped out of her skin. She turned around and found Lex standing in her boxers and a T-shirt, arms crossed.
Roza grasped her chest in fright. “You nearly gave me a heart attack.”
Lex stalked towards her, pushed the fridge door shut, and boxed her against it. “Do you know how sexy you look in one of my shirts?”
Roza pressed her lips against Lex’s and whispered, “How sexy?”
“So sexy that I’m willing to go and hunt and gather you breakfast and a large mocha from the coffee shop on the corner, since my spinach and kale smoothie won’t interest you.”
Roza giggled. “I must be very sexy then.”
Lex kissed her softly and tenderly, before saying, “Thank you for believing me last night.”
“I had to. I care about you too much not to.” Roza wanted to say love, but she’d noticed the sentiment wasn’t returned last night, and she didn’t want to ruin the morning-after together by putting Lex on the spot. She felt deeply inside that Lex was falling in love with her, but she sensed she was scared of getting hurt. Roza determined she was going to show Lex that they could be together and her family just would not have a say.