“Won’t be my fault, mate.” Fluke made a study of beer foam.
“What are you talking about?” said Mitch, looking from Dan to Fluke.
“Alex,” said Dan.
“What? You knocked her back?” said Mitch.
“I told her I couldn’t do it. Too soon after Phil. She was hurt and needed time.”
“Wow, man,” said Mitch.
Dan glared at Fluke. “Fluke, tell me I’m not a fucking idiot.”
“That’s your call, mate, not mine.”
“I said no to her and now she friggin’ can’t stand the sight of me. She’s never been so cold. I thought I might get frostbite being in the same room with her tonight.”
“How do you feel?” said Mitch.
Dan rounded on Mitch. “How do you think I feel? I’m gutted.”
“You think it was wrong to say no to her?” said Fluke.
“No, I think it was right – that’s why I’m miserable. It was right. I’ve never done such a right thing by a woman in my life, but I’m not sure what the point of it is if it makes you feel like this.”
“Yeah, you do.”
“No, I don’t. I could have her in my bed now if I hadn’t been so goddamn self-righteous.”
“And then what would’ve happened?”
“You think I haven’t thought that through? You think I don’t know I was just her rebound? I’m wondering what was so wrong with that.”
“No, you’re not.”
Dan looked at Fluke. He didn’t get where this was going, but suddenly old Fluke was back and serving it up to him, but without the rancour that had characterised their contact since the Katie incident.
The old Fluke said, “You’re just pissed off you didn’t get the girl yet.”
“Yet?”
“Come on, Dan. I never said doing the respect for women thing was going to be easy. You never thought it would be. I know I’ve been shitting on you, but I also know what you’ve done. This whole thing with the lessons and the competition, you’re trying to change.”
“You have changed.” said Mitch. He clinked his beer glass on Dan’s empty coke glass.
“Yeah, he’s a ballroom dancer now,” said Fluke.
“Yet?” Dan repeated.
“Why’d you really say no?” Fluke queried.
“Because 2am Monday morning she was with me, crying her heart out about the break up. What was I supposed to do? She’s not ready for another relationship.”
And didn’t that get Fluke and Mitch exchanging surprised faces.
“How do you know she wants a relationship and not just wild sex, you arrogant son of a bitch?” said Fluke, but he was grinning like he already had the answer.
“I don’t, but she’d made it pretty damn clear she’d never be a conquest, so I wasn’t thinking she just wanted sex. It’s not what I want. She’s not a girl to fool around with.”
“You hearing yourself?”
“Leave off, Fluke.”
“What are you hearing?”
“That my dog days are over and I’m fucking miserable.”
37. Man Up
Scott hauled himself up on the railing and sat, dangling his booted foot. It was early still and the beach was littered with joggers and early morning swimmers. There were no waves to speak of, but the surfers were out there, still waiting, hoping to be surprised. There’d be more gossip than rides this morning.
He wondered if Dan was out there. Last night he’d watched Alex slice through Dan during rehearsal like he was butter left out of the fridge too long. He hadn’t expected that. The attraction he was sure he’d seen between them and tried to kick into higher gear had fizzled and burned out. No, not so much burned out as turned rancid. He didn’t know if he should feel guilty. He’d pushed them with that kiss, but he thought they’d have fun with it, figured Alex could handle it.
Ah, who was he kidding? He wanted to see Alex with Dan, not Phil. He just didn’t know how pure his motives were, because he wanted to win too and that spark of desire on the dance floor was points in the bag.
The caveman was a good guy; anyone could see that. Just the fact that he hadn’t once slacked off, taken offense, or curled a fist told you that. He was more genuine and more interested in Alex than corporate man ever had been. Alex thought Dan was a player, but, in all the time Scott had known him, he’d been nothing but courteous and humorous and there’d never been any sign of arrogance or pretence in him. So what if he wore thongs and work boots instead of six-hundred-dollar shoes?
Scott waited till the last of the surfers hitched a ride to shore. None of them was Dan. He headed for the garage and found him there, under the hood of his Valiant. It was only eight in the morning and already Dan had a layer of black grease under his nails and smeared over his hands and arms, freckles of black grit dotting one cheekbone. If his own designer-label, pristine, pressed, white shirt could’ve talked, it would have said something like, “Out devil!” It was a reminder not to get too close to Dan when he was in grease monkey mode. It was fascinating how well he cleaned up, given the sort of effort he’d have to go to before he came to the studio each night.
“Scott. Hey, what brings you here?” Dan looked surprised and more than a little wary.
“I came to see how you were after, well...?”
“Ah. Is she ok?”
Dan might work with his hands, but there was nothing wrong with his brain. “She’s mad as a rabbit with rabies and I don’t know why. Is it because of Phil? She’s not giving me the details. I thought you might know.”
Dan squinted at him. “It’d make sense if she was upset about Phil.”
“I think it’s something else. I think it’s you two.”
Now Dan was scrubbing his hands on an already suspiciously dirty looking rag. “There’s no us two.”
“Well, there should be.” Scott could forgive Alex hesitancy, but Dan? Where was the red-blooded, grab-‘em-by-the-hair, drag-‘em-into-the-cave man?
“Why do you say that?”
“Oh come on, Dan, I’m hardly blind. I’ve known Alex since we were kids. Just like you have your tribe, she’s mine. She’s upset over Phil sure, but it’s more than that. What happened?”
“We kinda got carried away Monday night when you were at the physio, and it went too far.”
“How far?” Shit, it’d been a bad idea to leave them alone.
Dan flicked the rag over his shoulder, left it dangling there. “Scott.”
“How far?”
“It’s not what you’re thinking. I said no. I didn’t think she needed a rebound romance.”
“Did she say it was a rebound?” Scott tapped his toe impatiently, the shine on his patent leather shoe competing with the polished duco of the Valiant.
“No. She didn’t have to. I knew she’d broken up with Phil on Sunday and he came to the studio in the middle of class. She threw him out, but it was pretty rough.”
Scott whistled. “I didn’t know that. Did she say she was surprised about hooking up with you?”
“Actually, she said it was a long time coming, but she was upset.”
Scott’s shoe went tap, tap, tap. “Let me get this straight. Alex said she was interested in getting together with you and you said no because you were scared of being her rebound boy?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you kidding me? Man up, Dan. Alex isn’t a little girl. She knows what she wants and anyone looking at the two of you can tell you want each other.”
Dan frowned, turned to close the hood of the Valiant, let the heavy metal bang shut for emphasis. “Why did you come here, Scott?”
“Isn’t it obvious?”
“You care about Alex.”
“Of course I do, you moron.”
“That’s not all though.”
“No,” Scott conceded. Dan looked a mite formidable leaning his butt on the Valiant’s hood, one overall clad leg crossed casually over the other, arms folded. Big guy, ‘wouldn’t want to meet him in a da
rk alley’ formidable. Not the air he gave off at all when he was in student mode.
“You don’t think I’m such a Neanderthal any more, do you?”
Scott huffed, “Oh, you’re still a caveman. It’s just I’ve decided caveman can dance.”
38. Rebound
The Valiant was still sick so Dan had a choice of the Kombi or the Mustang. The latter was associated with the disastrous ‘day off’. The former was tricked out with a bed. He could see how a girl could get the wrong impression from that.
He took the Mustang and Jeff rode shotgun. How annoyed could she get with him in a public place with a cool car and a great dog?
She got folded-arm, cocked-head, clenched-jawed, audible-sigh annoyed when she saw him illegally parked on a grass verge outside her lecture theatre’s front door. Dan hoped she wouldn’t carve up Scott for helping with the stalking. He prepared to be sliced up.
“What do you want, Dan?”
“I figured you might like a lift home.” Keep it neutral. Keep the ball in play. Get a volley going.
“Seems you already have a passenger.” Alex indicated Jeff with a chin lift.
He motioned to Jeff with a quick thumb jerk and the dog jumped into the back seat. “There’s room for you.”
“You’re wasting your time.”
“I don’t think so.” He thought this was the only thing in his life worth doing.
“You had your shot and you didn’t take it. You think I’m stupid enough to throw myself at you again?”
“I don’t think anything you do is stupid. I thought you knew I was pretty keen on catching you.”
“I only know you couldn’t do it and you didn’t have the decency not to lead me on.”
“Is that what you think I was doing?”
“Wasn’t it? If you’ve got someone else you should’ve said. If you didn’t want me, you shouldn’t have kissed me like that.”
Dan was familiar with most of the moods of Alex’s body. She was near rigid with hurt. “Alex, I don’t have anyone else.”
“I don’t understand.”
It was an act of will not to reach for her then. “I could explain it to you, but I think I should move the car. Let me drive you home?”
For a moment, Alex was tempted to walk away, leave him there with his car and his dog and his player’s handbook opened to the page entitled Five Easy Ways To Trick Her Into Forgiving You.
The first way was look like you’d just walked out of a magazine shoot, even though it probably only took you two minutes to get dressed, in bare feet, a faded t-shirt that clings to your chest, dark sunglasses, and damp hair.
The second way was just showing up. It was the middle of the afternoon – what was he doing here? He’d said no. He’d meant it too; it wasn’t like he’d wavered, had second thoughts. He was clear and direct.
When Gran caught her red-eyed Monday night, she’d assumed it was about Phil, but there was something about Dan’s rejection that hurt worse than Phil’s treachery. She hadn’t really loved Phil, not wholly, though she’d tried. She didn’t love Dan either, not at all, not love, but she’d never thought the player would suddenly grow a conscience, get all upstanding and moral on her. If the loss of Phil was a dull ache, a muscle memory stiffness, Dan’s ‘no’ was the nerve pain of humiliation, hot, red, and throbbing.
“Please, Alex. Come with me.”
Her pride said walk away, but it got overruled by the part of her that still hoped.
Neither of them said anything until they’d parked on the Promenade at Bondi. The trip helped Alex sort out her feelings. She’d hear Dan out. At least, he was still incomprehensibly committed to the competition, so she owed it to him to be civil. In the quick blink between Dan shutting off the engine and the radio silencing, a line of the Enrico Perez song, Tonight I’m Loving You rang out. Enrico sang, “You know my motivation given my reputation...” It made Alex shudder. She twisted in her seat to face Dan. He looked like he’d lost his place in the playbook. He stared out the windscreen, one hand still on the wheel, one knee jiggling in the foot-well of the car.
“I told you I’d done something stupid and I’d hurt someone,” he corrected. “Two people. Fuck, I’ve hurt a lot of people. I don’t want to do that again. I care about you, Alex. I’ve tried to show you that and I thought what we did – that kiss – was just a kind of release for you. The thing with Phil was ugly and I didn’t think you needed any more complications.”
“You don’t have anyone else?”
“No.” He said it, no hesitation, not a flicker.
“And you want to be with me?”
“Since that first day when we came to sign up. Since I had to argue with you about enrolling us. And that first time when Scott had us dance, you were so incredible I didn’t think you were real.”
He was wide open to her, like he’d been in the café when the boys were telling stories. He wasn’t trying to defend himself, but he might still be trying to run a number on her. She wanted to throw herself across the gear stick and cling to him, tell him how she’d felt when they’d first danced, like she’d had an electric shock, like she was made of blue energy, but the words she spat at him betrayed her fears.
“You made the decision for me. You decided I wasn’t ready for a relationship with you.” Her breath out was hard and when she said, “You arrogant son of a bitch,” Dan flinched, eyes closing tight. “It’s only slightly worse than having an opinion about what I wear or ordering my food for me.”
“Fuck, Alex. I didn’t think.”
“No, you didn’t.”
In the back of the Mustang, Jeff whined. He wasn’t keen on the raised voices. Alex put her hand over the front seat to stroke his head. It was easier to say goodbye to Jeff than goodbye to a relationship with Dan.
“That’s it, then? I make one mistake and you write me off.” His voice had an angry edge to it. He looked genuinely distressed, but she had no way of knowing if that was part of his game. She put her hand on the door latch.
“Wait, Alex.”
Her hand was shaking, but she left it on the handle and turned to look at him.
“I didn’t decide for you. I decided for me. I don’t want to be a mistake you make and regret. I’ve done that too often and I won’t do it again.”
“You wouldn’t have been a mistake.” It was the truth. He might as well know it.
“You cried in my arms over another man.”
“And I slept in your bed and wished I’d been with you instead of him.”
“Fuck,” he said, a caress not a curse, his eyes flaring wide.
She let go of the door latch. “I need to know why you agreed to dance the comp with me.” It was the last barrier, the last place he could be hiding a slick move. If he had one, she wanted to know about it. Then she could decide if this was worth playing out. She felt the weight of his answer in the way he exhaled, from deep inside his lungs, his breath heavy with meaning.
“I lied to you.”
There it was. His deception. Alex’s throat was tight. The little hairs on the back of her neck stood up.
“I’ve never had a serious relationship with a woman. I liked them disposable. I liked it when I didn’t have to care. But when you asked me why I didn’t just change I told you I hadn’t found anyone worth changing for. It’s a big fat hairy lie, Alex. I found you. I wanted to do anything to be close to you.”
She gasped and he put a hand up to stop her speaking.
“I was on my way to being a drunk, on my way to becoming my father. You heard the stories. All the men in my family are violent drunks and womanisers. Taking on Ant’s bet, agreeing to dance with you, that’s as far away from being like my old man as I could get.
“That’s what the ongoing argument with Fluke is about – changing, having more respect for women. I didn’t know if I could do it. I’ve cut down the drink. I haven’t been with a woman in months. I’ve learned to samba and to jive. And there’s you, Alex. I thought if I could have you
as a friend, it would be proof I’d changed. I was never going to make a play for you, never going to make you a conquest. Not having you was the price I had to pay for all the fucked up things I’ve done to women.”
Alex felt colourless, spineless like a jellyfish, caught in the current of Dan’s voice, in the rip of his emotion and the eddy of his confession. It was hard to swallow, hard to look at him. It was impossible to look away.
“I was glad there was Phil. Helped me stay focused and so did you. You had my number from the time you laid eyes on me, you knew what I was. You made me want to be better. But when you started to touch me when we weren’t dancing, I got confused, and when I realised what a bastard Phil was, I wanted to stop you being hurt. I don’t want to be the next one to hurt you. You have to understand, I can’t be. I made the decision for me.”
Over the open top of the car, suspended in an updraft of air, one lone seagull squealed. It sounded angry, hungry, stalled. It was a sound much like the one Alex wanted to make, a cry for the boy who’d learned to drive at twelve but never learned to love, for the man who wanted her enough to want to change for her.
Dan’s smile was tired and shy, exhausted, done in. “You’re right. Fluke’s right. I can be an arrogant son of a bitch without even trying. If you still want to be with me after hearing all that, then you’re more a dream than I first thought. I’m only fit to be your rebound boy, but I need you to know that’s not what I want. I want to do right by you, Alex, and I will never knowingly hurt you.”
She might have cried, for Dan, for herself, for the stress of the last few days, but she was elated. There was no game, there was no playbook. There was only a beautiful man who wanted her as much as she wanted him. This was good for now. He was sitting so far away. “Can you kiss me like you did Monday night?”
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