The Cat Who Played Post Office

by Lilian Jackson Braun

  “Which amounts to . . .”

  “After taxes, upwards of a million, annually.”

  Riker choked on the dill pickle. “Anyone should . . . be able to . . . scrape by with that.”

  “You and Rosie ought to come up for a week. Fresh air—no hustle—safe environment. I mean, they don’t have street crime and random killings in Pickax.” He signaled the waitress for the check. “Don’t expect me to pay for your lunch today, Arch. I haven’t seen a penny of that inheritance yet. Sorry I can’t stay for coffee. Gotta get to the airport.”

  “How long does it take to fly up there?”

  “Forever! You have to change planes twice, and the last one is a hedgehopper.”

  After some quick handshaking and backslapping with denizens of the Press Club, Qwilleran accepted a sizable doggie bag from the kitchen and said a reluctant farewell to his old hangout. Then he caught the three o’clock plane.

  In flight his thoughts went to Arch Riker. They had been friends long enough to have genuine concern for each other, and today Arch had been unduly morose. The editor usually exhibited the detached cool of a veteran deskman, punctuated with good-natured raillery, but today something was bothering him. Qwilleran sensed that it was more than his own departure for the north country.

  The flight was uneventful, the landing was smooth; and in the pasture that served as the airport’s long-term parking lot, his car was waiting as he had left it. No one had slashed the tires or jimmied the trunk. Driving from the airport he knew he was back in Moose County; pickup trucks—many of them modified for rough terrain—outnumbered passenger cars two to one.

  The temperature was ideal. Qwilleran was glad to escape the city heat and city traffic. As he neared Mooseville, however, he began to feel the familiar anxiety: What might have happened in his absence?

  He had left Koko and Yum Yum alone in the cabin on the lakeshore. A cat-sitter had promised to visit twice a day to feed them, give them fresh drinking water, and make polite conversation. But how reliable was the woman? Suppose she had broken a leg and failed to show up! Would the cats have enough water? How long could they live without food? Suppose she had carelessly let them out of the cabin and they had run away! They were indoor cats—city cats. How would they survive in the woods? What defense would they have against a predatory owl or hawk? Suppose there were wolves in the woods! Koko would fight to the death, but little Yum Yum was so timid, so helpless . . .

  It was a highly nervous man who arrived at the cabin and unlocked the door. There they were—both cats sitting on the hearth rug, rump to rump, like bookends. They looked calm and contented and rather fat around the middle.

  “You scoundrels!” he shouted. “You conned her into giving you too much food! You’ve been gorging!”

  It was July, and the strong evening sun slanted into the cabin, backlighting the cats’ fur and giving each of the reprobates an undeserved halo. With brown legs tucked confidently under fawn bodies, with brown ears cocked at an impudent angle, with blue eyes gazing inscrutably from brown masks, Koko and his accomplice defied Qwilleran to criticize their Royal Catnesses.

  “You don’t intimidate me in the slightest,” he said, “so wipe that superior look off your face—both of you! I have news for you two characters. We’re moving to Pickax in the morning.”

  The Siamese were staunch supporters of the status quo and always resented a change of address. Nevertheless, early the next morning Qwilleran packed them and their belongings into the car and drove them—protesting at the rate of forty howls per mile—to the Klingenschoen mansion, thirty miles inland.

  The historic K mansion, as the locals called it, was situated on the Pickax Circle, that bulge in Main Street that wrapped around a small park. On the perimeter were two churches, the Moose County Courthouse, and the Pickax Library, but none was more imposing than the hundred-year-old Klingenschoen residence.

  Large, square, and solidly built of glistening fieldstone, it rose regally from well-kept lawns. A circular driveway served the front entrance, and a side drive led to the carriage house in the rear, also built of fieldstone with specks of quartz that sparkled in the sun.

  Qwilleran drove to the back door of the house. He knew it would be unlocked, according to the friendly Pickax custom.

  Hurriedly he carried two squirming animals into the big kitchen, placed their blue cushion on top of a refrigerator, and pointed out the adjoining laundry room as the new location of their drinking water and their commode. Cautioning them to be good, he closed both kitchen doors and then brought in the rest of the baggage, glancing frequently at his watch. He carried his two suitcases upstairs, and piled his writing materials on the desk in the library, including his ancient typewriter and a thirteen-pound unabridged dictionary with a tattered cover.

  Previously Qwilleran had been impressed by the lavish furnishings of the mansion, but now he saw it with a proprietary eye: the high-ceilinged foyer with grandiose staircase; the dining room that could seat sixteen; the drawing room with its two fireplaces, two giant crystal chandeliers, and ponderous antique piano; the solarium with its three walls of glass. The place would cost a fortune to heat, he reflected.

  Precisely at the appointed hour the doorbell rang, and he admitted the attorneys for the estate: Goodwinter & Goodwinter, a prestigious third-generation law firm. The partners—Alexander and his sister Penelope—were probably in their mid-thirties, although their cool magisterial manner made them appear older. They shared the patrician features and blond hair characteristics of Goodwinters, and they were conspicuously well dressed for a town like Pickax, dedicated to jeans, T-shirts, and feed caps.

  “I just arrived myself,” said Qwilleran, breathing hard after his recent exertion. “We’re now official residents of Pickax. I flew up from Down Below last night.” In Pickax parlance, Down Below referred loosely to the urban sprawl in the southern half of the state.

  “May we welcome you to Moose County,” Alexander Goodwinter said pompously, “and I believe I speak for the entire community. By establishing yourself here without delay, you do us a great favor. Your presence will ameliorate public reaction to the Klingenschoen testament, a reaction that was not exactly—ah—favorable. We appreciate your thoughtful cooperation.”

  “My pleasure,” Qwilleran said. “Shall we go into the library to talk?”

  “One moment!” Alexander raised a restraining hand. “The purpose of our visit,” he continued in measured tones, “is simply to make your transition as comfortable as possible. Unfortunately I must emplane for Washington, but I leave you in the capable hands of my sister.”

  That arrangement suited Qwilleran very well. He found the junior partner a fascinating enigma. She was gracious, but haughtily so. She had a dazzling smile and provocative dimples, but they were used solely for business purposes. Yet, on one occasion he had found her quite relaxed, and the only clue to her sudden friendliness had been a hint of minty breath freshener. Penelope piqued his curiosity; she was a challenge.

  In making his departure Alexander concluded, “Upon my return you must break bread with us at the club, and perhaps you will allow me to recommend my barber, tailor, and jeweler.” He cast a momentary glance at his client’s well-worn sweatshirt and untrimmed moustache.

  “What I really need,” Qwilleran said, “is a veterinarian—for preventive shots and dental prophylaxis.”

  “Ah . . . well . . . yes, of course,” said the senior partner.

  He drove away to the airport, and Qwilleran ushered Penelope into the library, enjoying the scent she was wearing—subtly feminine yet not unprofessional. He noted her silky summer suit, exquisitely tailored. She could pass for a fashion model, he thought. Why was she practicing law in this backwoods town? He looked forward to researching the question in depth.

  In the library the warm colors of Bokhara rugs, leather seating, and thousands of books produced a wraparound coziness. The attorney took a seat on a blood-red leather sofa, and Qwilleran joined her there.
Quickly she placed her briefcase on the seat between them.

  “This will be an inspiring place in which to do your writing,” she said, glancing at the bookshelves and the busts of Shakespeare and Homer. “Is that actually your typewriter? You might consider treating yourself to a word processor, Mr. Qwilleran.”

  Being frugal by nature, he resented advice on how to spend his own money, but his irritation was lessened by Penelope’s dimpled smile.

  Then she frowned at the big book with tattered cover. “You could use a new dictionary, too. Yours seems to have had a great deal of use.”

  “That happens to be the cats’ scratching pad,” Qwilleran said. “There’s nothing better than an unabridged dictionary, third edition, for sharpening the claws.”

  The attorney’s aplomb wavered for an instant before she recovered her professional smile and opened her briefcase. “The chief reason for this meeting, Mr. Qwilleran, is to discuss financial arrangements. Point One: Although the estate will not be settled for a year or more, we shall do everything in our power to expedite the probate. Meanwhile, our office will handle all expenses for household maintenance, employee wages, utilities, taxes, insurance, and the like. Invoices will come directly to us, obviating any inconvenience to you.

  “Point Two: You have been good enough to sever ties with the Daily Fluxion and take up residence here immediately, and in so doing you have curtailed your income from that source. Accordingly we have arranged with the bank to provide a drawing account of several thousand a month until such time as the estate is settled—after which the monthly cash flow will be considerably greater. We can work out the terms of the drawing account with Mr. Fitch, the trust officer at the bank. If you have need of a new car, he will arrange it. Is that agreeable, Mr. Qwilleran?”

  “It seems fair,” he said casually.

  “Point Three: Our office will arrange for landscape and maintenance services, but you will need a live-in housekeeper plus day help, and the choice of such personnel should be your own. Our secretary will be glad to send you applicants for these positions.”

  Qwilleran sat facing the door, and he was surprised to see a cat walk past the library with perpendicular tail and purposeful step. Both animals had been penned in the kitchen and yet Koko had easily opened a door and was exploring the premises.

  “Point Four: The servants’ quarters in the carriage house have been neglected and should be renovated—at the expense of the estate, of course. Would you be willing to work with our interior designer on the renovation?”

  “Uh . . . yes . . . that would be fine,” said Qwilleran. He was taking a mental inventory of breakables in the house and expecting to hear a shattering crash at any moment.

  “Do you have any questions, Mr. Qwilleran? Is there anything we can do for you?”

  “Yes, Miss Goodwinter,” he said, wrenching his attention away from the impending catastrophe. “I would like to make my position clear. Point One: I have no desire for a lot of money. I don’t want a yacht or private jet. I’m not interested in reading the fine print or watching the bottom line. All I wish is time to do some writing without too much interruption or annoyance.”

  The attorney appeared cautiously incredulous.

  “Point Two, Miss Goodwinter: When the estate is settled, I intend to establish a Klingenschoen Foundation to distribute the surplus income within Moose County. Organizations and individuals would be eligible to apply for grants, scholarships, business development loans—you know the kind of thing.”

  “Oh, Mr. Qwilleran! How incredibly generous!” cried the attorney. “What a brilliant idea! I can hardly express what this will do for the morale and economic health of the county! And it will pacify the groups that had been promised bequests and then been disappointed. May we announce your proposal in the newspaper at once?”

  “Go ahead. I’ll count on your office to work out the details. We might start with an Olympic-size swimming pool for the high school, and I know the marine history buffs want backing for an underwater preserve, and the public library hasn’t had a new book since Gone with the Wind.”

  “When Alex returns, your proposal will be the first item on our agenda. I’ll telephone him in Washington tonight to break the good news.”

  “That brings me to Point Three,” Qwilleran said genially. “May I take you to lunch?”

  “Thank you, Mr. Qwilleran. I would enjoy it immensely, but unfortunately I have a previous luncheon engagement.” The dimpling process had subsided abruptly.

  “How about dinner some evening this week?”

  “I wish I could accept, but I’ll be working late while Alex is out of town. Double work load, you know. Another time, perhaps.”

  As she spoke, a snatch of music came from the drawing room—a few clear notes played on the antique piano.

  “Who is that?” she inquired sharply.

  “One of my feline companions,” Qwilleran said with amusement. “That’s just the white keys. Wait till he discovers the black ones.”

  The attorney glanced at him askance.

  The sound had not surprised Qwilleran. He knew that Koko would never jump on the keyboard with a discordant crash. That approach was for ordinary cats. No, Koko would stand on his hind legs on the piano bench and stretch to reach the keys, pressing a few of them experimentally with a slender velvet paw. Having satisfied his curiosity, he would jump down and go on to his next investigation.

  What Koko had played was a descending progression of four notes: G, C, E, G. Qwilleran knew the notes of the scale. As a boy he had practiced piano when he would have preferred batting practice. Now he recognized the tune as the opening phrase of “A Bicycle Built for Two.”

  “That piano rendition leads me to Point Four,” he said to the attorney. “The doors in this house are so old that they don’t latch securely. I’d like to be able to confine the Siamese to the kitchen on occasion.”

  “No problem at all, Mr. Qwilleran,” she said. “We’ll send Birch Trevelyan to do the necessary repairs. You will find him an excellent workman, but you must be patient. He would rather go fishing than work.”

  “Another thing, Miss Goodwinter. I know Pickax considers it unfriendly to lock the back door, but this house is filled with valuables. Now that tourists are coming up here from Down Below, you never know who will prowl around and get ideas. You people in the country are entirely too trusting. The back door here has a lock but no key.”

  “A new lock should be installed,” she said. “Discuss it with Birch Trevelyan. Feel free to ask him about any problem that arises.”

  Later Qwilleran wondered about her real reason for declining to dine. Most young women welcomed his invitations. He preened his moustache at the recollection of past successes. Was Penelope maintaining professional distance from a client? His doctor was eager for his invitations; why not his attorney? He also wondered why she flicked her tongue across her lips whenever she mentioned Birch what’s-his-name.

  After she left, he found Koko in the dining room, sniffing the rabbits and pheasants carved in deep relief on the doors of the huge sideboard. Yum Yum had crept cautiously from the kitchen and was exploring the solarium with its small forest of rubber plants, cushioned wicker chairs, and panoramic view of birdlife.

  Qwilleran himself went to inspect the fieldstone building that had once stabled horses and housed carriages. Now there were stalls for four automobiles. Besides his own small car and the Klingenschoen limousine there was a rusty bicycle with two flat tires, and there was a collection of garden implements completely foreign to an apartment dweller from the Concrete Belt.

  Climbing the stairs to the loft, he found two apartments. In the days when servants were plentiful, these rooms would have been occupied by two couples—perhaps butler and cook, housekeeper and chauffeur. In the first apartment the drab walls and shabby furniture made a sorry contrast with the grandeur of the main house . . . . But the second apartment!

  The second apartment burst upon the senses like an explo
sion. The walls and ceiling were covered with graffiti in every color available in a spray can. Giant flowers that looked like daisies were sprayed on every surface, intertwined with hearts, initials, and references to “LUV.”

  There was so much personality expressed in this tawdry room that Qwilleran half expected to meet the former occupant coming out of the shower. What would she look like? “Dizzy blonde” was the phrase that came instantly to mind, but he dismissed it as archaic. No doubt she dyed her hair green and wore hard-edge makeup. On second thought, it was difficult to imagine green hair in Pickax, and certainly not on a housemaid at the K mansion.

  How could anyone live in such a cocoon of wild pattern? Still, there was artistry in its execution. The motifs were organized as thoughtfully as a paisley shawl or Oriental rug.

  Qwilleran knew that the previous owner had employed only a houseman, so . . . who was this unknown artist? How long ago had she painted these supergraphic daisies?

  He touched his moustache; it always bristled when he made a discovery of significance. And now he was recalling the tune Koko had played on the piano. He hummed the four notes, and the lyric ran through his mind. Daisy, Daisy! An amazing coincidence, he thought. Or was it a coincidence?

  THREE

  The three new residents of the K mansion were systematically adjusting to their drastically altered environment. Qwilleran found a bedroom suite to his liking—eighteenth-century English with Chippendale highboys and lowboys and a canopied bed—and he was learning to heat water for instant coffee in the vast, well-equipped kitchen. Yum Yum claimed the solarium as her territory. Koko, the investigator, after inspecting the luxurious precincts upstairs and downstairs, finally selected the staircase as his special domain. From this vantage point he could watch the front door, keep a constant check on the foyer, monitor traffic, guard the approach to the second floor, and listen for promising sounds in the kitchen. He was sitting on the stairs in a comfortable bundle when applicants for the housekeeping position began to arrive.