by Robin Leaf
“Shit,” I said, feeling my face redden despite its numbness. I laid my head down on the table. “I’m sorry. I never say stuff like that, ‘specially to a stranger. My momma raise me better.”
“It’s fine.”
I sat up and tried to focus on her face. “No, is really not. I’m not that kin’a guy. I’m a good guy… thoughtful and considerate, nice. Not the type to talk ‘bout my fantasies and boners or dick sizes to a woman, ‘specially one I don’ know.”
She sat back in the booth and crossed her arms over her chest. “Maybe that’s not always a good thing, Ace.”
I took a drink of my water. “Why?”
She took a minute to answer. “Well, nice guys stereotypically finish last.”
I laughed humorlessly. “Yeah, and let the perfect girl walk away without knowin’ who da fuck she is.”
“So,” she cleared her throat, “tell me what you would say to her if she were in front of you now?”
“Well, first, I’d tell her my name.” I dug into the volcanic mound of pulled pork, cheese, and fries that magically appeared in front of me. They were the only reason I usually came to this bar. “Then I’d tell her I was single and dat we were perfect for each other and that I wan’ her to marry me. If she says yes, I’d ask her out… on a date.”
She smiled. “Aren’t you supposed to date first, give her a chance to fall in love, then ask her to marry you?”
I scoffed, shoving another fry in my mouth. “Hell no. I did it that way the first time. Now, I’m gonna lock that shit down first before I do any of that long-term shit. I want to have the end in mind… make sure she is on board for the long haul before investin’ all that time.”
“And what if she’s not?”
I took two more fries and glared at this woman. “I won’t give her that option.” I chewed and swallowed quickly. “Look, this girl… she was my dream woman. She was fuckin’ perfect, and I saw her. She was interested, too.” After another big bite, I sighed. “I just wish I knew at least her name.”
The pretty woman reached across the table and took a fry. “As long as she doesn’t watch you drunk eat, I think you have a chance, Ace.”
I stopped chewing and stared at her. “Why’d ya say that?”
Her smile grew bigger. “Tell you what. I have an idea.” She took another fry and bit it. “What would you say to exacting a little revenge?”
I could feel my head and speech clearing the more I ate. So I shoved more of the mound of cheesy-meaty-potato fucking awesomeness in my mouth, chewing and swallowing carefully, before downing the rest of my water.
“Well…um…” I searched my mind, trying to remember if this woman gave me her name.
She brushed off her hands and held one out to me. “I’m Ruby.”
I shook it quickly. “Okay, Ruby. What did you have in mind?”
“Well, it’s still early. How ‘bout we get you a bit more sober, clean you up a little, and then I’ll tell you my plan?”
“Your… what?”
“Trust me,” she sang, sliding out of the booth. “Eat up, Ace. You’re gonna like this next part.”
Nine
Kaelyn
Someone once told me there was truth at the bottom of a bottle, so as I listened to this guy, every word he said thrilled me deeply in my soul, hopeful that bottle thing was accurate.
I stood, leaning on the table behind him, and watched Ruby talk to my plane neighbor. He already thought I was a hallucination, so I made the decision to not reveal myself to protect him from thinking he’d slipped into full-strength crazy.
Honestly, that’s the load of bullshit I convinced myself to believe. I wanted a little time to figure out how to handle him. Listening to him talk about me… well, I wasn’t quite sure what to do with it.
Sure, it thrilled me, but it also terrified me. I’m not sure why.
He said something about being a nice guy, so Ruby sat back in the booth and crossed her arms over her chest. “Maybe that’s not always a good thing, Ace.”
Mr. Drunk took an ungraceful drink and cocked his head to the side. “Why?”
Ruby’s face of deliberation made me nervous. At least she didn’t speak without thinking this time. No telling what would fly out of her mouth on a normal basis, but when she took this much time to think about what she would say, it wasn’t necessarily any better. “Well, nice guys stereotypically finish last.”
I breathed a sigh of relief. I thought for sure she would say that girls cheat on nice guys, blaming him for his girlfriend’s shitty actions.
“Yeah, and let the perfect girl walk away without knowing who the fuck she is.”
Jacoby dropped the food on the table quickly, and I followed him back to the bar, playing the last few minutes of their conversation in my head.
He thought I was beautiful and compared my eyes to lines from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, which happened to be my favorite childhood book.
He used the words “intelligent” and “funny” to describe me. ME! I’d been called “hot” and “silly” before, but never… this.
And he said I “smelled so fucking good.”
He got a boner from just talking to me? He fantasized about me?
The image of me straddling his face appeared, and I had to close my eyes. I let that fantasy play out for a second.
Damn, not the time.
He called me “the perfect girl.”
Lady boner killer. I’m not perfect. Far from it.
“Jacoby, that guy back there…”
“Brody?”
That was his name? Jeez. Even his name is sexy.
“Yes. He says he had a ring that he can’t find.”
Jacoby laughed and dug in his pocket. “Yeah, that’s because I caught him trying to flush it before y’all got here.” He produced the box and set it on the bar. “I saved it from the Nemo funeral.”
“Thank God. It’s a beautiful, irreplaceable ring.”
He raised his eyebrows. “You’ve seen it?”
I smiled sheepishly. “Yeah… well, he and I met earlier today on a –”
He smacked his forehead. “Holy shit. You’re plane girl?”
I nodded.
“Damn, girl. He went on and on about you when he first got here. I mean after he cursed his girlfriend and the guy she fucked. Wow, this… well, this is a miracle coincidence, huh? Almost like you two were meant to be.”
Meant to be.
Just like Dr. Bourgeois said.
“I have a very strong feeling things aren’t going to work out like he thinks they are.”
Holy shit. She… knew?
“Hey,” Jacoby said, touching my hand, “are you okay? You look like you saw a ghost.”
“Yeah, well, you know, this is New Orleans. Anything is possible.”
“Kaelyn,” Ruby whisper-yelled, grabbing my arm and shaking me. “Oh my God. You have to help Ace get revenge on his girlfriend?” She looked down at Jacoby’s hand on mine and tried to hide her frown. “Oh, good, you found it.” She snatched the box and threw it in the air, catching it. “We’ll be needing this. Jacoby, do you know where my boy back there can get a shower?”
“Well, I live about a block away. And I get off in about twenty minutes, so I can take him.”
“Yay!” She jumped up and down. “You’re the best.”
Grabbing my arm, she started pulling me away.
“Hold up, Rubes.” I dug in my heels, trying to stop her momentum. Wriggling free, I placed my hands on my hips. “What the hell?”
She rolled her eyes and threw her hands out to the side. “Oh, my God, for once, don’t think and just go with the flow.”
“Bad things have happened in the past when I don’t think, Ruby.”
Grabbing my wrist again tighter than the first time, she pulled me behind her. “I’m trying to help you both. We’ll get the revenge he needs, and, if you’re lucky, we can get you laid.”
I stopped dead.
“Ruby Jea
n Morris!”
“What? He’s the guy from the plane you wouldn’t shut up about when you got ready for your meeting. Did or did you not tell me, ‘If I ever meet him again, I will hump him like a bitch in heat,’ and ‘Even if I didn’t spill champagne on my ass, I’d have to change my underwear?’”
My nostrils flared.
“Don’t huff at me, Missy. This is a golden opportunity. I believe you also said that with this guy, you could see yourself spitting out kids like a Pez dispenser.”
I shook my head. “That’s not exactly a direct quote.”
“Okay, but the sentiment is the same.” She bounced on her toes. “C’mon, Kae, you’re always doing nice things for me and, like, everyone else on the planet. Let me do something nice for you. And for my sad little friend in there.”
I fought a smile and dropped my head. “His name is Brody.”
She swiveled back and forth. “See, you like this guy. A lot. Come on. At least come make his day… again. It’s his birthday, for bloody sakes. He sees you, and his day will get so much better. Give him this,” she beamed, “and maybe a birthday blowie.”
A loud laugh escaped before I could stop it. “No blowies. Birthday or otherwise.”
She shrugged. “Never say never and all that.”
I looked over my shoulder back to the bar. “What about Jacoby?”
“Eh, I’ve used my best moves and… nothing. Either he’s attached or gay.” She pulled me close. “I’ve been working him for three days. Frankly, I don’t need to waste any more energy. I just need to get me some.” She pulled me along behind her.
“There’s my girl.”
She positioned me in the spot I was standing before, out of Brody’s sight.
“Stay here,” she whispered in my ear.
Sliding into her side of the booth, she smiled. “How do you feel now, Ace?”
“I’m still drunk, but it’s getting better.”
“Question: did your girlfriend –”
He held up his hand to interrupt her, but she continued.
“—I’m sorry, I meant your cheating bitch of an ex-girlfriend know you caught them having wall sex?”
He shook his head. “No, not that I know of. At least they didn’t stop or come after me when I left.”
“Okay. So, what do you think will sober you up quickly? I have a plan, but you gotta be on top of your game.”
He rubbed his face with a napkin. “I dunno, caffeine, a shower, maybe. It’s just gonna take some time.” He threw the napkin down on the table and grabbed the full bottle of water in front of Ruby. “Why? What are we going to do?”
She looked at me and shook her head quickly. It was code for something, but fuck if I knew what she meant.
“Alright, look. I asked Jacoby if you can use his shower. That will give us some time and get you to smelling better than the bottom of a sweaty, meaty tequila bottle. Then we are going to your place introduce her to your new fiancée, a girl you met in California while you were signing your deal.”
“Wait… my new… what?” he tilted his head and scratched it. “How did… did I tell you about my deal?”
She flashed a quick, “Oh, shit,” face. “You must have. Anyway, we found this,” she placed the ring box on the table in front of him. “You need to brush up on your acting skills, Ace, because you’re going to have to sell it, hard core.”
“Are you going to be my new fiancée?”
She just smiled and slid out of the booth, grabbing my hand before he could turn around and pulling me away.
***
Ruby pulled me all the way to the bar and started finger styling my hair. “We need to primp you before presenting you to him.”
“Presenting me?” I crossed my arms over my chest. “I’m not some freakin’ prize.”
She rolled her eyes. “You know I didn’t mean it that way.”
I took a deep breath to keep from yelling. “You know how I’ve been treated like a shiny object my entire life. I’m not going to –”
“Jeez, princess sore spot, calm down.” She laid her hand on my arm. “I don’t feel like that and you know it. Neither does the nerd stud. I chose the wrong words. I’m sorry. Get over it.”
She checked over my power outfit. I wore my black, stretchy, knee-length skirt and a powder-blue, fitted button down with my modest black pumps. She tapped her chin.
“I guess we don’t have time for you to go and change, but I have some makeup in my bag.”
“What’s wrong with my makeup?”
“Nothing for a business lady. We need to vamp it up a little.”
“No,” I shook my head. “Absolutely not.”
“C’mon, Kae. If we are going to sell this to his ex, you need to look the part.”
I looked over her shoulder, just barely making out the back of Brody’s head.
“She doesn’t know she’s his ex yet, and he liked me when I wore less makeup.” I shrugged. “His opinion is the only one that matters to me. And he doesn’t seem like the type of guy who would like vampy girls.”
She smiled. “You really do like this guy, huh?”
I shook off her question. “He doesn’t need KaeKae, the media-created celebrity. This Kaelyn is the one who caught his eye, and this Kaelyn will be his fake fiancée.”
“Okay, it’s pretentious that you refer to yourself in the third person, and it’s downright creepy to refer to split identities.” She stopped and raised her eyebrows. “So, you’ll do this? I brought you over here thinking I would have to talk you into it.”
“Any girl who would cheat on that sweet guy deserves what she gets. We just need to be careful. I don’t want this getting out.” A thought swirled around me, and I felt panic rise. “Oh, God, what if she recognizes me?”
“Please, Kaelyn, do you think she’d tell the world that she got dumped for KaeKae Cartupeli?”
“Maybe not, but she might tell the world that I stole her boyfriend from her. And when I don’t end up dating him, it’ll just look worse.”
She widened her eyes and raised her eyebrows. “Why wouldn’t you date him?”
I threw up my hands. “Well, let me count the ways: One, I don’t live in New Orleans. Two, I’m focusing on starting my career. Three, I’m a media nightmare. Four, I am hella busy and don’t have time. Five –”
“Alright, I get it. So, do you want me to pretend to be his fiancée?”
A wave of negative emotion enveloped me at the thought of Ruby anywhere close to doing anything resembling a relationship with this man. My fists clenched so hard they cramped.
“I’ll take the ‘I wanna kill you’ look as a no.” She rubbed the bridge of my nose to between my eyebrows several times. “Woo-sah, my friend. Woo. Sah. Deep breath in,” she breathed in exaggeratedly. “And out.” She blew her cheesy fry breath all in my face. “Why aren’t you breathing with me?”
“You need a mint.”
“God, I wish you drank alcohol. If anyone ever needed a drink right now, it’s you.”
I glared at her.
“Yeah, whatever. Let’s plan with Jacoby how we’re going to keep you out of sight until Brody is ready.”
***
Ruby and I sat on Jacoby’s couch, while I admired his roommate’s set up. It was a gamer’s paradise in this apartment, but it was awkward sitting next to the guy who had ignored our presence because he was so busy shouting into his headset.
Jacoby called said roommate from the bar and told him to allow Ruby and Brody in so he could shower. When Jacoby got off work, we walked to his place.
“Did you just call me a shit stain?” the roommate yelled. “Get it right. I am the shit, mutha fucka… Oh, yeah? Well, fuck you, too.” He clicked his headset off. “Stupid fucking kids.”
A snort came from me, turning into a round of giggles. Ruby flicked me, making me laugh harder.
“Oh my God, I need to pee.” I stood and faced Jacoby. “Where is your bathroom?”
“Hang on, let me see i
f Brody is done.”
I stood to follow Jacoby, but Ruby stopped me.
“Here,” she handed me a small, white square-shaped something.
“I don’t need a condom, Ruby.”
She snorted. “It’s not a condom, and you will need it.”
I looked at the object. “Seriously,” I whisper yelled, “a feminine cleansing wipe?”
“Yes. Use it. You don’t want to be embarrassed just in case things turn… licky later.”
I palmed the wipe and rolled my eyes. “Right. Like that’s gonna –”
“Use it, Kae. Trust me on this.”
Walking away from her, I watched Jacoby knock on a door and wait a few seconds before opening it.
“There you go.”
I smiled at him as I passed and closed and locked the door.
Despite the clubhouse, “no-girls-allowed” feel of the apartment, it was surprisingly clean in here, if a bit steamy from Brody’s shower. I did my business, which included the suggested cleansing routine. Standing up to the sink, I washed my hands, when a second door I hadn’t noticed startled me, turning me around so I could lean on the counter for support.
Brody walked in, wrapped only in a towel slung low on his slim hips. He wiped his hair with another towel, so he didn’t notice me, and I was too busy drinking in his nice, hairless chest, his tight, toned stomach, and his slowly slipping towel.
He stopped drying his hair and stared at me, seemingly dumbfounded.
“Hi.”
He kept staring at me.
I pointed to the door, averting my eyes. “I’ll just go so you can –”
He was in front of me in a flash, cupping my cheeks again like he did in the bar. “No way am I letting you out of my sight again.”
I smiled, keeping my eyes locked with his.
“I’m not going anywhere.”
He ran his thumbs along my cheeks slowly. “So, turns out I’m pretty much single now.”
I bit my bottom lip. “I heard something about that.”
“God, it’s so wrong to want to kiss you right now. It’s too soon.” He let go of my face and turned his head. “I guess it’s fortunate that I got sick earlier at the bar, so no kissing, at least until I brush my teeth first.”