Kitty thought about it for a moment or two. “Yes.”
Thom laughed. “Whatever Devlin wants, when he wants it, however he wants it.”
Kitty laughed with him. “That’s about it, then.” She ran her finger around the rim of her cup. “Can you live with that?”
“Yes.” Thom carefully folded the cloth he’d been using and placed it on the counter just so. He was definitely going to be easier to live with than Devlin. If she had known that years ago, she’d have tried harder to seduce him sooner. “I’m not sure what it says about me that I like not having to make all the decisions,” he continued. “I could get used to Devlin making them for me.”
Kitty wagged her finger at him. “None of that. Give Dev an inch and he’ll take an ell, as the saying goes. Keep some decisions to yourself.”
“Duly noted,” Thom said with a solemn expression belied by the twinkle in his eye. He sighed. “I’m not sure he’s as enthusiastic about this new arrangement as you are.”
“Nonsense,” Kitty said too quickly. She got up and carried her cup over to the counter, not meeting Thom’s gaze. “He knows how much I want this.”
“Kitty.”
She couldn’t ignore the command there. Thom could teach Devlin a thing or two about getting someone’s attention with a few softly spoken words. She faced him.
“I understand that, for some illogical reason, you’ve wanted me for some time.” He held up a hand when she started to speak. “Even you must agree I haven’t been worth much of anything the last few years.”
“No, I don’t,” she argued, crossing her arms. “I always knew you were worth more than five or ten other men put together. You just had a rough time of it, that’s all. But you’re better now, aren’t you?”
“Yes, thanks to you and Devlin. But, Kitty, I’m not sure I would be if it weren’t for you. Do you understand? This,” he motioned to himself, “was done for you two, not for me.”
“But don’t you want to be like this?” she asked, confused. Her heart sank. “Would you still rather be drunk and alone?”
“No.” He caressed her cheek with the backs of his fingers. “But I can’t fix it, Kitty. I can’t give you what you want if it means Devlin not getting what he wants.”
“What do you mean?” she whispered.
“I mean that you are the center of Devlin’s world and I won’t take you away, no matter how I feel about you or him.”
Kitty panicked. “Thom, please,” she begged, grabbing his arms. “Don’t be hasty. Trust me. If Devlin didn’t want this then nothing in the world would have put him in that bed with us last night. He’s a stubborn bastard and he’d have walked right out.”
“What exactly is this?” Thom said. “What are we doing, Kitty?” He sounded so confused and lost.
“It’s whatever you want it to be,” Kitty told him. She slid her arms around his waist and rested her cheek on his shoulder. “I want it to be forever. Is that what you want?” She held her breath. She hadn’t thought about what Thom wanted. Wasn’t that the silliest thing ever? She knew what she wanted, she’d bullied Devlin into it, but she never considered that Thom would be the one to walk away.
“Only if that’s what Devlin wants too,” Thom said quietly, combing his fingers through her unbound hair. “I’d give anything, Kitty, to be part of what you two have. It’s more than I ever dreamed I could have. But I won’t take it at Devlin’s expense.”
“He cares for you too,” she said, clutching him desperately. “Didn’t he take care of you yesterday when I was gone? That was all him, his idea, his choice.”
“Yes.” Thom sounded thoughtful. “That’s true. But he could have just been doing what he thought you’d want.”
Kitty pulled back and slapped his shoulder. “Now you’re just being difficult. Why? Are you trying to find a way out the door?”
Thom laughed wholeheartedly at that. “Trying to find a way out the door? Kitty I haven’t left these rooms in weeks. It’s more than likely I won’t for some time.”
Well, Kitty didn’t like the sound of that. “You’ve got to get back to work, Thom,” she said, letting him go. “You’ve patients.”
He snorted. “Not many. Most of my days the last few months have been spent fucking. And the idea of that makes me ill now.”
“Surely you don’t have to see that sort anymore.” His lack of interest in his medicine worried her.
“No, I don’t,” he said. He wandered out of the kitchen and she followed him to the parlor, where he sat down. “I’ll figure it out, Kitty,” he said vaguely, “but not today. I’m terribly tired.” He rested his head on the back of the sofa and closed his eyes.
“I have to go to the shop,” Kitty said, biting her lip. She didn’t want to leave him.
“That’s all right,” Thom said, opening sleepy eyes and smiling at her. “I’ll be fine. You’re only downstairs.”
She smiled back, though it was forced. “All right then. I’ll just go and dress.” She didn’t like the way they were leaving things. Somehow she had to make Devlin open up and admit his feelings to Thom, and then she had to make Thom believe him. Then maybe he’d be ready to get back to medicine. And by then she’d have an idea of how to get Devlin off the back streets. Because they couldn’t live like this forever.
Chapter Twenty
“Christ, how many stairs are there in this bloody building?”
Thom heard the voice complaining outside Kitty’s door and he put his book down. It sounded remarkably like Gideon North. How odd. A heavy knock fell on the door. When he opened it, in spite of recognizing the voice, he was still surprised to see North standing there. He wore a scowl on his face, half of which was covered with burn scars. The other half was austere and handsome. His startling pale blue eyes pierced Thom.
“Well, don’t just stand there gaping like a fish,” North snapped. “I’ve climbed more stairs to your chamber, Rapunzel, than even a man with two legs ought to be required to ascend.”
Thom moved out of the way silently and North and his companion Charles Borden came through the door. Borden was blond and fit and rosy-cheeked, the very epitome of a typical English farmer. The two still looked incongruous together, though Borden had been at North’s side since before North’s injuries during the war. When he and North had taken the final step of becoming lovers, along with North’s wife, no one had been surprised. “Ignore him,” Borden said. “He’s gets testy when we have to leave Sarah for any length of time.”
“And how is Mrs. North?” Thom inquired politely, closing the door.
“About to deliver our child any day,” North said.
“I had no idea she was expecting again,” Thom said. “Congratulations.”
“Thank you. Now let’s get this over with. You know I hate London.”
“I know,” Thom said. “Which is why I have absolutely no idea what you are doing here. How did you find me? Whom shall I get revenge on later?”
“Ha,” North said without rancor. “That would be your Mr. O’Shaughnessy.”
If he had said the King, Thom couldn’t have been more surprised. “Devlin? What are you going on about?”
“I received a letter from him. What am I going on about? What have you been about?” North sat down on the sofa and absently rubbed his left leg. The lower half was prosthesis. Thom had cut that leg off on the Peninsula. Borden sat next to him.
“What did Devlin say?”
“I can’t believe you have nightmares about me,” Gideon said accusingly. “How dare you.”
Thom couldn’t stop his bark of laughter. “Trust me, if I could see someone else in my dreams I would.”
“You dream of me every night?” Gideon asked with a frown of distaste.
“Gideon,” Charles admonished quietly.
Thom waved him off. “No, not every night. I have a plethora of options. You are merely one.” He wearily sat down in a wingback chair in front of the fire.
“You’re being an idiot.”
Borden rubbed his forehead. “Gideon,” he said more sharply than before. “We talked about this.”
North looked at him innocently. “What? I’m merely stating the obvious.” He turned his glare on Thom. “Look at me. I have the perfect life. I can walk now,” he shook his leg at Thom, “I have a beautiful wife who will be delivered of our second child any day—”
“You mentioned that,” Thom said dryly.
“Exactly,” Gideon said. He gestured at Borden. “And him. I’ve always had him. Didn’t you once tell me that he was the reason I lived? So you had nothing to do with it either way. Blaming yourself is the height of arrogance.”
Thom threw himself out of the chair and began to pace. He didn’t want to relive the memories. He hadn’t dreamed in days. “Don’t you see it has nothing to do with you?” Thom said. “Your arrogance knows no bounds. Now you’re being an idiot. I mean no offence when I say you simply do not mean that much to me.”
Both North and Borden looked at him in confusion. “Then why?” Borden asked.
“It isn’t the outcome I dream about,” Thom said. “It’s what I did. What I had to do. Sometimes there are no faces at all, just me and an endless number of dead or mangled bodies, and I know I did it. I made the decision about who would live and who would die. Or who would walk again and who wouldn’t.”
“If you couldn’t handle being a doctor, then you should have left,” Gideon told him harshly. “To wallow in the past is pointless. Move on.”
Thom’s laughter was slightly out of control. “Don’t you think I would if I could? Don’t you think I’m trying?”
“Is that why you’re here?” Borden asked calmly. “With Mrs. Markham and Mr. O’Shaughnessy?”
Thom nodded.
“Well, then,” Gideon said with finality, “you’re on the right path. It worked for me.”
Borden snorted with laughter. “We all remember how easily you took that path,” he said sarcastically. “You are hardly the one who ought to be advising him.”
North stared at Borden for a moment or two and then turned to Thom. “Did you ever think I’d give in to Charles? That I’d let him in and move on? That I’d have a full life as I do now?” Thom shook his head. “Of course not,” North said. “I was bitter and enraged and hated the world and everyone in it. I didn’t think I was good enough for him anymore. Sarah made me see things differently. Because of Sarah, I let Charles in and I wouldn’t go back for anything or anyone. It seems to me you are at the same crossroads now. Mrs. Markham has lowered your defenses. Do not erect them again.”
“It was Devlin actually,” Thom admitted. “I’d cut Kitty and what we could have out of my life for so long I believed myself when I said it was for the best. But Devlin bullied and forced the issue. And when I saw the two of them together, I realized I could have that too. I could have Kitty. And when Devlin…well, when he showed that he cared for me, it released me somehow to let Kitty in. Does that make sense?”
North nodded. “Perfect sense, to me anyway. But if all of what you’re saying is true, then why are you still dreaming of me?”
“I haven’t actually, not in days.”
“Well, when you are counting in weeks consider it a victory,” Borden said. “I know I do.”
“When did Devlin write to you?” Thom asked, curious.
“Almost two weeks ago,” North answered. “Arrangements had to be made to leave the farm. Sarah and our son Charles are staying at Ashton Park with the duke and duchess and their brood.”
“Are you competing with them to see who can have more children?” Thom asked, amused.
“We will surely lose,” North drawled. “The duchess is expecting their fourth.”
“Country air must be good for that sort of thing,” Thom said, bemused.
“I am not sure that I have helped you at all,” North said with a scowl. “Have you stopped drinking?”
Thom nodded curtly. “Yes. Devlin and Kitty cleaned me up and stayed by my side throughout.”
“Good. Sarah said I must do it if you were still drinking heavily, and I had no desire to do so. She likens you to a god for saving my worthless hide.” North sounded very put out with his wife over it.
“I thought I had very little to do with it,” Thom said wryly.
“I said Sarah believes that, not me.”
Borden laughed. “I believe it, too.”
“And are you still practicing medicine?” North asked, looking around Kitty’s home. “Here?”
“I have an office, but I haven’t been there in weeks,” Thom told them. “Not since I quit drinking.”
“Why?”
Trust North to bombard him with questions he didn’t want to answer. “I don’t trust myself.”
“What utter rubbish.” North dismissed his fears carelessly. “Trust yourself to do what?”
“To make it through each day without drinking or going mad.” Saying it out loud eased a burden inside him he hadn’t really known was there.
“Phfft,” North said. “None of us knows if we’re going to do that. One step at a time, one day at a time. That’s how it’s done until you figure it out.”
“Is it?” Thom said.
North nodded. “And when you have a good man and a good woman at your side who believe you can do it, then you’ll find a way. Believe me.”
Thom wanted to believe him. The fact that Devlin had written to North weeks ago, when Thom had been at his worst, gave him a glimmer of hope. Perhaps Devlin’s feelings were real and not just because Kitty wanted the three of them so damn badly. With Kitty and Devlin by his side, Thom didn’t think there was anything he couldn’t conquer, even his own fears.
Chapter Twenty-One
“Shouldn’t Devlin be home by now?” Thom asked her as they sat on the sofa. Kitty was draped across his lap and they’d been idly kissing and fondling one another for the past half hour since she’d walked through the door after a day in the shop and thrown herself at him. He tasted delicious and smelled divine and felt heavenly. And she still couldn’t believe she had the right to do this. That he wanted her to do it. She’d be pinching herself if her hands weren’t buried in his sinfully soft curls as he kissed her neck.
“Mmm,” she murmured. “He’ll either come home or send a note.”
Thom glided his lips over her cheek and softly rubbed them against hers. He liked to do that, a not-quite-a-kiss kiss. It was sweet and sensuous and drove Kitty mad. She was on fire for him, but at the same time she felt so languorous she didn’t want to move. His kisses were drugging her into mindless arousal. There was something to be said for Thom’s slow approach. Devlin tended to attack and conquer when he wanted her.
“So I shouldn’t worry?” he whispered into her ear.
It took her a moment to realize he meant worry about Devlin. She melted inside. He really did care for him, just as she’d hoped he would. “No,” she said. “Devlin can take care of himself.”
Thom rubbed his nose on hers. “Yes, but sometimes it’s still nice to have someone else care enough to do it. I ought to know.”
“I care,” Kitty said. She kissed him then. Not kissing him had become torture. He kept the kiss light, sensual, playful. His tongue teased and his lips caressed and she sighed into his mouth. She loved how he cupped her face in both his hands when he kissed her.
“I know,” he told her a minute later. He licked her lower lip. “I know you do. About Devlin, and about me.”
She nodded, loving the way it felt to have to have his hands still on her head while she did it, her hair rubbing against his palms. “I do.” She leaned in for a kiss and with a grin he gave her one, another long, arousing tangling of tongues and breath and lips. “Does it bother you?” she asked after he trailed kisses along her jaw and down her neck.
He nipped her collarbone and she gave a breathy little moan. “No,” he told her, meeting her gaze with a forthright one of his own. “I like it. I like that you care for both of us.”
“I love both of you,” she said to him. She hadn’t really meant to reveal that so soon, but it somehow seemed the right thing to do at the moment.
Thom smiled and wrapped both arms around her, pulling her into a tight embrace before he kissed her. This time the kiss was a bit harder, a bit hungrier, very possessive and arousing. “Good,” he whispered when he was done turning her into a pool of melted butter. “I’m almost sure I love you, too.”
“Almost sure?” Kitty said, pressing a hand to his chest and pushing him away slightly. “Just almost?”
Thom laughed, teasing her. “Having never been in love before, I have no frame of reference. I will say, however, that the feelings I have for you I’ve had for years. Recent events have not changed them.”
Kitty rearranged herself so she straddled his lap, then she snuggled close and laid her head on his shoulder. “I’m not sure if that makes me happy or sad. To think that we might have shared this sooner.”
Thom shook his head. “We couldn’t have. I wasn’t ready.”
“And now you are?” She held her breath, waiting for his answer.
“Yes, I think I am.” It wasn’t the declaration she wanted, but it was something. “I just don’t want to hurt you, Kitty, any more than I already have.” He sounded so sincere and miserable.
“The only thing that hurt me was seeing you hurting,” she told him. “I said something similar to Devlin when he questioned me about helping you.”
Thom went very still beneath her. “He questioned you about that? What did he say?”
Kitty squirmed a bit, not wanting to tell him the whole conversation. “Just that you might hurt me. I told him you wouldn’t. You couldn’t, not intentionally.”
“No, not intentionally. But he’s right. I still might hurt you without meaning to.”
“We all hurt each other without meaning to,” she said with a heart heavy with experience. “That’s what forgiveness is for. I forgive you for hurting me by not coming to me for help when you were hurting so much.”
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