I almost liked Kristen right then.
On the way home, I turned to Jack, smiling wide. I waited for him to say something.
“Listen, Jack, you can talk now. Go ahead.”
He shook his head.
“You don’t really think that Ben could have any power over Sef, do you? No way. Never. Really, you can talk. Even Ben said so. Try it.”
He turned and frowned at me.
“Okay. As soon as you’re ready, Jack,” I said.
• • •
The next day Kim was back at school. I was so glad, I ran up and hugged her. I could hardly wait until lunch. I met her at her locker, and we walked to the cafeteria. I said, “I don’t know where to begin.”
“I saw Van walking home yesterday,” she said. “I guess she got her hair cut.”
“She did it herself on New Year’s Eve.” I told her the whole story.
“Well, at least she did something,” she said.
“What do you mean?”
“I mean she cut her hair. She’s doing something instead of nothing. She’s making a statement.”
We got our chocolate milks and sat down. Kim ate a forkful of noodles and broccoli.
“She did seem happier afterward, but I don’t think she is,” I said. “I might need to give her Jesus’s card.”
Kim looked at me like I was crazy.
“Just kidding,” I said. “Did I tell you I saw him pulling out of the state hospital the other day?”
“That figures.” She sucked up the rest of her chocolate milk. “The Lord is my shepherd. There is nothing I shall want. Except a Dunkin’ Donuts coffee and chocolate doughnut, and my meds and a shrink.”
We laughed.
“He will rise again—and never work another day in his life,” she kept going between laughing. “Wait until I tell my mom he was at the state hospital.”
“How’d it go with your dad?” I asked.
She sighed. “It made me wish my parents had tried to work it out. But they used to fight all the time, so it’s probably for the best. It’s hard to have a relationship with someone who’s never here and then doesn’t know what to do when I’m all of a sudden there.”
“Yeah,” I said, “it’s hard enough when they are there all the time.”
She smiled and ate her noodles.
“Can I tell you about Ben Adams?”
“It was him, wasn’t it?”
“Don’t worry,” she said after I told her the whole story. “Jack will talk when he’s ready.”
“I hope so.”
Dave Swanson was standing behind us. “Oh, hey, Dave,” Kim said. “Do you need anything?”
“No.” He frowned and walked away.
“That was weird. Guess that’s what comes with being a math genius,” I said.
“Or maybe he’s thinking of asking you to the Spring Dance.”
“Don’t even say it.”
Kristen Adams stopped at our table. “Listen, I just want to say I’m sorry about whatever Ben did to Jack. I hope he’s okay.”
“He’s okay.”
“You’re not going to say anything, are you? My dad’s pretty hard on him.”
I remembered Mr. Adams’s angry voice that night I apologized to Ben. She’s only a girl, for crissake.
“No, I’m not going to. Is he okay?”
“Yeah, he’s okay. Thanks, Cassie,” she said.
The bell rang, and Kim and I left for English.
“I can’t believe Kristen Adams just apologized to me.” I laughed.
“Hey, stranger things can happen. And you’re Supergirl, after all,” Kim said. “By the way, have you talked to Rob?”
“A couple of emails, that’s it. He’s sick.”
“Lovesick?”
“Very funny. Actually, I think he forgot all about me over break.”
“Have you done anything?”
“No.”
“Well, maybe he thinks the same thing about you.”
I turned to her. “You know what? It was too quiet around here when you were gone.”
“Well, Big Mouth Kim’s back.” She laughed. “I missed you too. I kept wanting to tell you things.”
“Really?”
“Yeah.”
“Did you write them down?”
She shook her head.
“Next time,” I said.
• • •
Van spent the weekend crying in her room. The breakup was official. “You can talk to me if you want, Van,” I said quietly. She didn’t answer. “Maybe later,” I said.
At supper she barely ate anything. Her face was like stone. She said to Mom, “If you hadn’t grounded me, it wouldn’t have happened.”
“Oh, no, honey,” Mom said. “That’s not fair.”
Mom placed Van’s phone on the table, two weeks from the day Van had thrown it against the wall. It hadn’t broken. Van just stared at it. “I’m sorry, honey,” Mom said.
When Dad got home, he put his arm around her shoulders and said, “You have to live your life, Van. Besides, you’re too good for him.”
“No, I’m not!”
I said, “Remember what Sef said right before he left? He said not to let anyone get you down. You promised him.”
Van half shrugged.
“Listen, I know you like him, but you can’t let him do this to you.” Dad’s eyes rolled back, and he mumbled, “And he can’t sing.”
“What?” Van said. “What’d you say?”
“Van, he doesn’t even know any Sinatra.” Dad belted out, “The summer wind came blowin’ in—from across the sea—”
Mom burst out laughing. She held her hand over her mouth and said, “Sorry. I’m not laughing at you, Van. I’m laughing at your father.”
Van stood so fast, she knocked over her chair. “I hate it here! I hate it!”
CHAPTER 40
EXECUTION MEAL
Bly Sky's Blog
January 3, 2007
This is truth. No one is happy about a thing until it is lost. Until it disappear and you live without it. This is true of electricity, water, Iraq, peace, and blue sky. Today I am to sad to write. I want to be a girl who live in Iraq only. That ask to much?
To: Mom, Dad, Van, Cassie
From: Sef
Subject: No Subject
Hi everyone,
Thanks for all your emails. Thanks for the awesome package, Cass. That was great. You made a lot of us happy. Oh, yeah, and Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! Sorry I didn’t call. It was crazy trying to get through on the phone. I’ll call soon. I want to talk to Jack this time. I missed you last time, buddy. How was it?
The last 2 weeks were long and hard. I’m so tired all the time. I wish I brought that Pink Floyd CD I used to listen to. Maybe you could send it. I used to go to sleep listening to that. I’ve been listening to too much AC/DC and Metallica. Never thought I’d be a metalhead! Tim plays them all the time.
Did I tell you after that we planned our execution meals? Don’t panic, Mom, it’s just for fun. I’m going to keep these guys safe if it’s the last thing I do, and they’ll do the same for me. Hurricane wants roast beef, rolls, asparagus, baked potatoes with onions, and for dessert, ice cream sundaes and Bud. Mark said he’d have fried chicken with the works—mashed potatoes, corn bread, beans, and everything else. For dessert he wanted Snowballs, those squishy pink things covered with coconut! Who would ever choose that for the last thing they ate? Tim wanted beef stew, Coors, and Oreo cookies covered in whipped cream. I wanted Mom’s spaghetti and meatballs and Fresh’s chocolate pie.
Everyone doing OK? Sounds like it. I’m OK too. Nights are hard still. I’m trying not to think too much.
; Love,
Sef
After we both read it, I turned to Van. “Does it seem like he’s not telling us something?”
“Yeah, like did he kill that boy or not?” She stared into my eyes. “That’s why he hasn’t called, and that’s why he’s not talking about it.”
“He does say the nights are hard still,” I said. “Maybe he doesn’t know anything else.”
“Probably he wishes he never told us about it to begin with.”
“Remember that three-legged dog?”
“Of course.”
“He never talked about that again either.”
“I’m scared,” Van said.
“Me too,” I said.
“Is this the kind of thing he thinks about every day for the rest of his life?”
“I know. How could he stop thinking about it?”
“Sef emailed!” Mom sang out from down the hallway. We heard her footsteps and then she stepped into the doorway of our room. “Didn’t you hear me? Sef emailed.” She looked from me to Van. “So why’s it like a morgue in here?”
• • •
The next few days, it snowed off and on, each time covering the ice that had already turned sooty black. White to grayish black and then back again. I didn’t hear from Blue Sky, and we didn’t hear from Sef. It seemed like all we did was wait to hear from Iraq.
CHAPTER 41
TRUTH OR TRUTH
“VAN! VAN!” I called. “I have to go! The movie starts at one.”
I hadn’t seen her since Mom and Dad left over an hour ago, and she was supposed to babysit Jack. After I searched the inside of the house and the garage, I asked Jack if he’d seen her. He pointed at the window.
“Outside?”
He nodded, not looking away from Tom and Jerry.
“Where outside?”
He pointed again, toward the backyard.
“Out back? Are you sure?”
He didn’t answer.
The bright sun was melting the snow-crusted ice, breaking up every time I took a step. I had on my sneakers, and I could feel the snow inside my socks. I stood in the backyard, staring into the sun glaring off the window of our room, as if Van was just suddenly going to appear there. I called Kim on my cell to tell her I couldn’t leave Jack until I found Van.
I started to turn when I felt someone behind me, like a shadow. I knew it was Van. She was lying in a hole of snow the shape of her body. It looked as if she might have been trying to make a snow angel, but she wasn’t spreading her arms and legs. She was still, and her skin was white, and her hands were folded into a ball on top of her chest.
“Van!” I ran through the snow and yanked her up by her frozen arm. Her T-shirt and pajama bottoms were iced over.
“Open your eyes! Please!”
She blinked, and her eyes opened, dark and bright.
“Say something!” I waited, holding her. I could feel her bones through her T-shirt. “How long have you been out here?”
Her blue lips parted slightly, but nothing came out.
“Come on, what are you doing? What’s the matter with you? Are you crazy?” I shook her. “You need to get inside. Now! Help me! You’re so cold.”
I tried to drag her in, but she was heavier than she looked. Tears rolled down my cheeks and fell into the snow. “What are you trying to prove? It’s not fair—you have everything, and you’re wasting it. And what for? Finn? Look at yourself, Van.”
I should have known something like this could happen. I should have seen it coming.
Everything sparkled white around us. I lifted her up, and we stumbled along. I looked into her eyes. When she wasn’t wearing her black boots, we were the same height. She had on her big brown monster slippers with the white claws, and that made me cry even more. Van looked horrified.
“Stop crying,” she said. “You never cry.”
“You scared me. I thought—I don’t know, I thought— Come on.” I wiped my face and half pulled, half carried her through the back sliding glass door and upstairs into her bed. “Van, what were you trying to do?”
She lay on her bed, looking at the ceiling. She wrapped her arms around herself. I remembered reading in Sef’s survival handbook to put as many blankets on a frozen person as possible, so I started piling them on—my comforter and blankets, Jack’s, Sef’s, Mom and Dad’s—until Van was buried.
“Remember all the things you said you were going to do? You were going to travel and teach kids in other countries and work for Greenpeace. Remember?”
She raised her hands and spread them in the air like starfish. “Sorry. Please don’t cry anymore,” she said. “You’re scaring me, and everything’s tingling. I feel like I’m burning up.”
“Where?”
“My fingers and ears sting.”
“What about your nose? How long were you out there?”
“Not that long, maybe an hour. Is my nose swollen? It feels funny.”
She was still shaking. Jack came in. He walked over and touched Van’s face. He opened his mouth and breathed in a quick breath as if he was going to say something. She smiled a little.
“We have to warm her up. Stay here while I make some tea.”
I made English Breakfast tea with milk and sugar. She took small sips while I sat next to her bed, watching her. Jack sat with us, making piles of screws, nails, coils of wire, wheels, and random scraps from his old metal collection.
“You can’t tell anyone. Promise,” she said.
“I promise if you promise never to do anything like that again.”
She looked so pretty with her choppy dark hair falling around her pale face.
“It isn’t what you think. I mean, I didn’t want to die or anything. I was waiting for the numb part. That’s what happens. I just didn’t want to hurt anymore.” She closed her eyes.
Jack kicked the metal pieces. He picked up handfuls and threw them across the room. They made clinking sounds as they hit the bed, the desk, and the window. Then he stood there with his hands in fists at his sides, his body stiff.
“Van’s okay, Jack.” I took his hand. “Luckily, you told me she was out back. She was waiting for us.”
His body slowly released, and his arms went limp. His hands opened.
“Come on. You can watch some cartoons in Mom and Dad’s room.”
I wrapped White Kitty and Jack in the sheets and turned the TV on loud. When I got back to Van, I said, “I forgot about Jack.”
She stretched her fingers, fluttered them over her head.
“I’m glad you’re okay. I thought you were okay before, but I guess you weren’t.”
After a while, she looked up. “Do you ever have dreams that Sef is dead and you’ll never see him again?”
“Yes,” I said.
“I’m so scared sometimes. Everyone thinks all this is just about Finn, but it’s not. I dream about Sef all the time. I wish he never went over there.”
“I know. Me too.”
Van rolled her head to the side. “I’m mad at Mom too. I know she’s trying harder now, but everything is always about her. And Sef. She barely notices me. Because I’m the quiet one. You were never afraid of anything, but I was. I am. Everything always seems so easy for you. I wanted to be close to Sef like you—” She paused. “And I always wanted to look like you, too. Everyone always says I look just like Mom.”
“Are you for real?” How could Van ever want to look like me?
She nodded and closed her eyes.
“Sure you’re not hallucinating, Van? You’re a thousand times prettier. Maybe a million.”
She laughed. “You don’t even know.”
“And you are close to Sef. He’s always looking out for you. He would kill Finn if he knew he’d hurt you.”
Van smiled. “That’s true.”
“And one more thing. Nothing is easy. I am scared now. About everything.”
Van closed her eyes. “I want to sleep now. I’m so tired.”
“Okay. Can you do me a favor?”
She nodded.
“Keep talking to me when you wake up.”
She smiled with her eyes closed. “Okay.”
After she fell asleep, I traced a blue vein running under the soft warm skin of her forehead. I called Kim and told her everything.
“How could Van want to look like me?” I asked her.
“Hey, Supergirl, why don’t you look in the mirror sometime,” she said.
I did. I fingered the raised skin of the scar that curved down from my eyebrow. My eyes were pale blue like the color of the oceans of faraway beaches, as Mom once said. We were at the kitchen table, cutting pictures out of magazines. Mom held up the ad showing the clear blue water and white sand. “See, your eyes are this pale blue and you have long dark lashes. No one has those.” Then she sighed and slapped the magazine down. “I don’t know why I bother looking at these stupid ads. We’ll never be able to go to those beaches.”
I used to want to look like Mom and Van. Now I thought, These are my eyes the color of the ocean, and this is my scar. My eyes looked bigger and clearer. I looked like myself. I shook my hair out of my ponytail. Long and ashen, it fell down my back and framed my face. I smiled into the mirror.
• • •
When Van woke up, I heated a can of chicken noodle soup and put it on a tray with saltines. I sat there and watched her eat. When she was finished, Van said, “Thank you.”
“You don’t have to thank me for anything.”
“You’re not going to say anything to Mom and Dad, are you?”
“No.”
“Or Sef?”
I shook my head. I remembered when Van and I used to lie next to each other and play the Truth Game. “Truth or truth?”
“Truth.”
“Do you really think Finn was good for you?”
“Was, as in past tense?”
“Yeah. Remember, it was only for a few months, Van.”
Dear Blue Sky Page 16