by Heidi Lis
Looking white as a ghost, Micah clears his throat. His hand trembles as it rests on his chin. “I had no idea, how I would feel seeing you again after all this time. It was a shock when Matt told me he saw you today. Then it dawned on me that, you work with Liza. The pieces gradually begain to fit together after that.” His lips curl, exposing a side smile. “Pip is not just some girl, she happens to be a girl I cared for a long time ago. And still do. Talk about a pleasant shock.”
His voice trails off realizing now, all the time Liza referenced me as Pip, I was Elsa. His Elsa, from a long time ago.
“That’s all she was to you?” Nick’s question is more like than an accusation. “Some girl you once knew? Jesus Christ, you have no idea the hell she’s been through for the past five years. You might have had a life, even lived it up, but not this girl. She has cried and survived hell, all because of you!”
Nick, not being able to contain himself, lets it all out. Micah looks pale like someone punched him in the gut, with every word Nick speaks, his winces. Frankly, I want to crawl in a hole and skip this totally fucked up day. I only wish I had time to process what all of this means, for all of us. We’re all connected, one way or another.
Struggling to find my balance, my mind is in a fog. “Listen, just stop. Nick, he doesn’t need or care to hear all of that. We were together back in the day, then he went to live his life. It’s time I get back to mine. I’m just in shock. He is dating Liza, and I never realized it was him. It changes nothing, he’s with Liza, and I’m with you. Now, can we all just get along and forget about the past mistakes.” I refuse to let Micah know how much he meant to me and how badly I’ve struggled. Letting my guard down and openly exposing myself will only end up destroying what’s left of my fragile heart.
“Like Hell!” We all snap our heads in Liza’s direction. She’s more frantic by each passing minute. The more her mind tries to absorb this, the more agigated she becomes.
“Why have you been so hung up on him for so long? Just how close were you two? I, for one, am not comfortable with any of this until I know what happened between you two.” She says pointing her finger directly at me.
It’s easy to see how hurt Liza is. Her confusion and uneasiness wash over her fidgeting body.
Nick’s been muttering under his breath and having a one-sided conversation with himself. “I for one, would love to add some insight into the Elsa and Micah tragedy.” Only this time, he makes sure we all hear what he has to say.
I turn to face him head on. The look on my face is daring him. He better not. I make sure my eyes say more than I’ll be able to say verbally, in front of Micah. My death glare should do the trick as I openly slam him.
“Nick! that is enough. No one needs to hear my story. All of it is mine. I don’t need or want to rehash it. Leave it alone.” My poor finger is shaking like a leaf against his chest.
“What the hell is he talking about, Elsa?” Micah moves closer to me, eliminating the open space we once had between us. His body is straight as a board, but his chest is heaving deeply, and I swear I can feel his hot breaths as they hit my face. We are standing now, all of us close to one another.
I unintentionally step back from him, not liking the direction this conversation is heading. I’m inwardly praying toward the ceiling. Breathe Elsa. Calmly cool this situation down, before it spins out of control.
“Nothing, Micah,” I say as I slowly open my praying eyes. I struggle for each breath, “You leaving like you did, hurt me. No need to relive the story, you already know it. Young girl in over her head, in love with a guy who didn’t feel the same. That much was plainly evident.” Lowering my eyes from his intense glare, I focus on the floor instead. I know if I keep looking at him, I will crumble. Great. Some things never change, his eyes still hold so much power over me.
His loud gasp immediately summons my attention. What I did not expect was his abrupt change in attitude. His nose is flaring with every staggered breath. One hand on rests firmly on his hip while the other rubs his lips, aggressively.
“How do you know I didn’t feel the same? I was young, stupid and made mistakes. You were important, some things were just bigger than us and I had to see them through.” His blue eyes are pleading with me to believe him, his expression softens with each word. Just hearing him tell me I was important to him is splitting my already aching heart in two.
I shake my head, trying not to let his words affect me, even though they are. “I’m sure you felt you needed to do just that. Matt told me some things today like you went to my parents. I never got a message or knew you ever stopped by.” I can’t help the tears from escaping, wondering if things would be different today if I had known.
Remembering back to that day, Micah’s grin is held at bay when he lightly bites his lower lip. “Yeah, your father was not at all happy when I showed up on your doorstep. He was beyond furious for some reason.”
“I know the fucking reason, you prick!” Nick shouts, and I can’t help but jump.
My quiet moment when the room felt like it was just Micah and me came to a crashing halt. It pisses me off because Nick is dying to tell him my secret and I can’t hide my displeasure.
“Nick! Shut your mouth before you say things you can’t take back.” I’ve never raised my voice to Nick, but he is pushing me to my limit.
Liza takes a few steps closer to me, questioning. “What the hell, Elsa? What are you hiding? It’s obvious Nick knows.” She shifts her eyes between me and Nick, waiting for one of us to answer.
My chest constricts and I’m struggling for every breath. I hate the idea of my past being aired out publicly and it may push me back to the one place I’ve fought so hard to escape. My head starts spinning, and I’m quickly losing what little control I have. Unable to stay upright, Nick takes a hold of me before I hit the floor.
“Nick,” Micah says with his hand idly on Nick’s chest. “If you know something I should know, man up and tell me. It’s pretty evident witnessing Elsa faint, that there is more here than meets the eye.” Micah sounds angry and he knows Nick is hiding something. Micah was never one to let things lie, he will keep pushing if he wants to know something bad enough.
Liza, for once, called me Elsa, and that is not a good sign. Micah is pressing Nick, who like a rabid dog, is dying to one up Micah and tell him what he knows. I have to stop this madness right now. I need to clear my head and find a way to get everyone settled down and out of my apartment.
Tilting my head toward Micah, I aggressively unleash my anxiety. “NO! NO! NO! Listen, Micah Taylor, you left me. Whatever I lived through or had to deal with, I did it on my own. I had no one. I did the best I could, and it doesn’t matter what the hell you want right now, you’re not getting it!” I’m so angry, my lips curl, and my nails bite in my palms. I need to stand firm. I cannot fall to pieces, at least not yet. And not in front of him.
Pleading with me, Micah holds out his shaky hand. “What are you even saying? Please tell me?” His eyes float desperately looking for any answers he can get.
My limit’s reached. Raising the checkered flag, I’m done. “Out, I want you all out of here. Better yet, I’m going to my room. I can’t deal with any of this right now. I’ve got to work tomorrow.” Directing my stare at Nick, I need to warn him. “If you open your mouth about me and my past, I assure you, we will be finished! My feelings, and my past, they are mine. No one else’s.”
Reaching for my arms, Nick shows his defiant side. “I’m not leaving, Elsa. So get that thought out of your head.”
Holding her hands up, Liza’s poor body trembles. She’s wrecked. “Elsa, what the hell do I do here? My best friend, who I’ve seen crushed over some guy, just happens to be my boyfriend. What do I do?” Her eyes dart around the room at each of us. She’s searching for answers, I simply can’t provide.
My heart breaks even more seeing my friend so distraught. Lost in my head, I realize I’ve not considered what she must be feeling. “Oh Liza, what happened
with me was a long time ago. He’s with you now and honestly, he hasn’t done anything wrong here, not to you. You can’t let this affect you and him. Neither of you.” Swinging my eyes to Micah, I say. “None of this changes because of me. I’ll learn to deal with it. I’ve made my peace, remember? I need some time myself.” I’m at a loss for words. Who the hell knows what I need about now? “I’m not sure what to do.” I’m so consumed with worry, my nerves are shot to hell. Like Liza, I’m a trembling mess.
“Elsa, can I have a few minutes alone with you. I promise after that I’ll leave you alone. One thing is sure, I don’t want to come between you and Liza. She loves you, and I can see how much she means to you, as well.” Soft and sweet Micah is so hard to resist when he’s like this.
How do I resist him? Tell him no? I’ve never been able to do it, so why start now?
“I’m not sure, Micah. There is not a thing we need to say to one another.” I say those words, trying to convince myself that they were true. But the only truth is, I just want to run into his arms and have him hold me. Just one more time. Being this close to the one you have carried a torch for, and loved for so long, is beyond excruciating. His arms are the arms I should not want, but I crave them all the same. His lips, which are asking to talk with me alone, I want to feel them against mine, right or wrong. I want his lips, his arms, hell I want all of him. I know I can’t him, but that does not stop me from wanting him. Thank God, this is all inside my head.
Taking a step closer, he offers me his hand. “Just let me explain why I left. The reason I acted the way I did. Just give me that.” Leaving his hand extended, he’s almost begging, pleading with me to take it. Damn it.
Nick’s adamantly shaking his head. “Fuck no! You’re not getting near her alone.”
The tension in the room is so thick, it’s way beyond awkward. My gaze keeps going from the two men who are dead set on trying to psych one another out. Liza walks next to Micah, touching his arm.
“No Nick, they need to talk. It seems like they both need some closure. Ace, I mean…” She then turns her head to look at Micah. “What the hell do I call you?”
“Ace is great, Micah is okay, too.” He’s speaking to Liza, but his focus is still on me.
“Okay, well Ace has been weird all day, and now I know why. He needs this. I may hate it, but I also know, Pip’s not going to do anything to hurt me.” Liza’s voice is so sweet, her words of rationale shows how great she is. I may not like the idea, but Liza and Micah might be good for one another. To be honest, I’ve never seen her so happy, and it’s all due to him.
“I’m thinking about El. You all believe that this is no big deal, what the hell? I’ve been living with this,” Nick says all the while pointing at me, “with her, how she felt, and how she still feels. Have you even questioned why she has never gotten over you?” He then takes a step toward Micah. “She has never gotten over you. You nearly destroyed her. You’ve turned her life inside out. Five years. It has taken her five years to move the hell on. Now you want some alone time with her? WELL FUCK YOU!” Stepping back Nick puts his arm around my shoulder, pulling me, so my back is against his chest.
All this shouting solves nothing. If I give in, I can end this night. Nodding my head, I say, “Fine, all of us can sit down and hear what you have to say. That way, no one will get their feelings hurt. No secrets.” The main reason for me wanting to do it this way is so neither Nick or Liza will cause a bigger scene than they already have. Why lie? I do not want to be alone with him, a sudden war is being fought in my mind. The longer he is here in front of me, the more I want to sit down and talk to him. I know it’s not what I should have felt, but hey, I’m human. And I’ve wondered for so long about what happened to him. Now, I can find out all of those answers.
“I think there are secrets that need to come out. Maybe if we are all honest with one another, real feelings, once and for all, can be understood.” Nick is playing with Micah, and by the look on his face, I’m thinking Micah’s about ready to lose it. I glance back over my shoulder to jab Nick with my elbow.
He’s ignoring me and having a stare down, so I turn and shove his chest as hard as I can, to grab his attention. Yeah, that’s right, remember me? “I said NO. Either you respect my wishes or you get the hell out of here.”
Liza is solemnly trying to engage Micah. Unfortunately, he is beyond intrigued by all of Nick’s less than subtle hints.
I hear Micah protesting, with all of us in the same room just won’t work. “Elsa, please let’s do this alone. It’ll just take a few minutes.”
I don’t respond to Micah, my attention is solely on Nick, who’s beyond irritated. I’m not sure who is pissing him off more. It’s a toss up between Micah and me. At this point, I wholeheartedly agree with Micah, we can’t do this with Nick in the room. And it will probably be better if Liza’s doesn’t witness it, either. I’ll let Micah fill her in afterward, because I’m not even sure what he wants to tell me. Tossing my hands up, I surrender.
“Fine. My room.” I say to Micah, but I keep my eyes locked on Nick’s icy glare.
“Like hell!” his eyebrow arches and I swear smoke is rolling out of his ears.
Oh no, he is not telling me what I can or can’t do. He pushes into me, so there is no space between us. He has some serious height over me, but I’m not budging. He can’t intimidate me.
“Nick, either sit with Liza, or leave,” reaching up I grab a hold of his chin. “I can’t do this with you right now.”
“Fine,” he angrily replies while I still have his chin in my hand. “I’m not leaving you. Maybe if he did the same years ago, we would not be here right now.”
I know he’s trying to hurt Micah, but his words still make me wince. He’s never hurt me like this before. I know what he is trying to do, he wants to hurt Micah, but damn, if it doesn’t sting.
CLOSING MY BEDROOM door, I don’t face him. Instead I stare out the window. Gazing up into the night sky, my eyes once again fill with tears, like every night before. Only tonight, I don’t need to wonder where Micah is. He’s in my room, and I’m scared out of my mind. Having no idea what’s running through his head, I’m left contemplating whether or not he thinks I’m nuts for still holding a torch for him after all of this time. My mind even begs to wonder if he’s feeling a tenth of what I’ve felt? I’m not sure but I sure as hell can’t ask him.
Breaking the silence, he doesn’t hesitate. He inches closer to me, so very close, but he doesn't touch me. My body shivers at his close proximity. “What happened, El? What did I do to you? I’m so fucking sorry. I’ve never stopped thinking about you.” This time he gently clasps my shoulder. “I’m so confused by whatever Nick is trying to tell me, Elsa, please open up to me.” His hot breath connects with the hairs on the back of my neck, and it’s so sweet.
It's then he’s pulling on my elbow, and the energy that flows from his touch, well, it nearly consumes me. The minute I turn, I’m digging deep, desperately trying to figure out how to protect my heart. I need to distance myself from him. I need to be cold, distant and unaffected by him. I simply need him to leave before it’s too late.
Finding my wavering courage, I swallow down the nerves, and push them away. “You said you were going to explain why you left so fast. Why not just tell me? What was so bad Micah, or so hard that would make you turned your back on me?”
“EL, IT’S JUST us now. Tell me what happened after I left? I’m dying here, knowing you were so sad and lonesome and it’s all because of me. You have to know it’s killing me, Elsa.”
Micah’s eyes are seeking and searching for any answers my face will give him.
Closing my eyes, I rub my hands together, seeking strength. “Micah, you destroyed me. I was so in love with you. You told me you loved me back, then poof, one day, with no real explanations, you were just gone.” I desperately need him to understand what I felt back then.
“I know, El. Matt was supposed to explain the things I couldn’t. I was wea
k, and the very idea of leaving you tore me up. Of course, I felt the same! I was so fucking in love with you. But, I made promises to my dad and he saw how close I was getting with you. He knew I was wavering on my decision to leave you.” The look on his face is pure agony as he expresses all of his pent up anger and regret. “He signed me up early. I had no choice, I had to leave.”
Hearing his heartfelt words I can’t help but fall to my knees. He’s just confirmed that I meant something to him. How is it even possible? His father is the reason I’ve lost it all? Him and oh God, is he telling me I could’ve been with him all this time? If that’s the truth, it means I could have had…no! We could have had our…baby.
Rocking back and forth on my knees, I hold my head, because it hurts too bad not to. The realization that we could have been a family all along cripples me. Micah sinks to his knees, joining me, and takes me in his arms. I don’t fight him, I can’t.
“After some time, I knew it was better not to interfere. I would wait and come back home someday to find you. I did just that, the first night back home. Went to your house, but your father had me believe you had no desire ever to see me again. That if you ever meant anything to me, I’d let you go, let you live your life.”
His body is trembling against mine and his eyes wince like he’s in pain. Seeing him this vulnerable and shaken, breaks me even more. The need to touch him is too powerful. I need to touch him in some way. Grasping his cheeks in my hands, I just let them rest there. Our eyes dance as years of lost moments dawn on us.
I’m in disbelief, like all of this is some sick joke. My laugh, if you can call it that, is reminiscent of an evil witch’s cackle. “I can’t believe this. All I’ve done is spent years thinking I meant nothing to you. That all I felt was a one-sided crush.”