by Heidi Lis
I try to lick my lips but my mouth is dry as a bone. I dismiss hearing him say Micah is worried about me. “Oh, I’m sure he is, he didn’t want to talk earlier. No, he wanted to yell at me and blame me for it all. I begged, and he refused to talk. Well, now I refuse.”
“That’s a shame. Sweet thing like you deserves to be heard. If you were begging to talk to me, I would gladly give you my undivided attention without question.” He then bumps his shoulder with mine.
I lean into him, whispering, “Yeah, if you knew the whole situation, you might think differently.”
“Try me.” He replies.
What is it with alcohol and confessing your deepest darkest secrets? No clue, but after he tells me to try him. Well, I do, I lay it all out for him. The ashen look on his face lets me know he wishes he’d never asked.
“Jesus Christ, how the hell could he be mad at you? He should be begging you for forgiveness. Darlin’ he’s a dick, sorry, but he is a straight up dick.”
I have no clue how long he sat next to me, the bar was pretty empty which most likely explains why he spent so much time hanging around me.
“Yeah, whatever. Begging for my forgiveness was not his priority.” I say when my phone beeps again. I ignore, delete and repeat this process for several minutes until it stops. Finally, I sigh with some relief.
Caleb, starts switching my drink to water. My sexy cowboy bartender threatened me, it was that, or I was going home with him. I wasn’t sure if he wanted me to stop drinking or continue. Yikes, so not ready to go there. On the flip side, it’s most likely what I should do. A night with a sexy cowboy might be just what the doctor ordered, but I know deep in my heart I never would. Micah has my heart, always has, always will. Another reason I’m so screwed.
Not long after, I say goodbye to my sexy cowboy. Insisting I would come back and see him, was the only way I was getting out the door alone. Jumping in my seat, I’m exhausted and somewhat sober now. The day crashes down on me, and my phone rings once more.
His name displays on the screen and it grips my heart. I want to cry. How long have I longed for his name to show up? That he would be calling me, I just wish it was under different circumstances. I have no idea if he can ever forgive me now. The anger and venom in his voice sickened me to the point of feeling alone all over again. After finally making it out of the darkness, I’m afraid of being pushed back inside. Only this time, I don’t have the energy to fight it.
Biting my lip, tears hit the screen of my phone as I hold it in my hands. Once again, I press…ignore!
Micah
WHERE THE HELL is Elsa? She’s ignoring all of my calls and text messages. My damn fingers are sore from typing so much. I’m worried out of my mind but I screwed up. I never should have acted the way I did…not to her. It’s wasn’t right and I know directing my anger at her only hurt her more. I know it won’t excuse any of my behavior for earlier, hell, I knew it then, but I was so fucking mad. I couldn’t control myself. Holding my tongue was never a thing I was good at, especially when it came to my pretty girl.
Damn, finding the girl who stole my heart all of those years ago, had more of an effect on me than I expected. I spent years trying to forget her and what we had. I kept telling myself what my father had drilled into my mind. I was too young and just had my first real crush on a girl. I’d get over it. Like hell!
She was my first. My first after years of almost losing it multiple times. That is more than likely the reason I kept her in my heart. Every year after that and up until now simply refused to let me forget what Elsa Winters meant to me.
First day of school, this beautiful girl caught my eye. She wasn’t into cliques either, and what a relief that was. The school was full of piranhas, trying to sink their teeth into me. Hell, not one of them had an ounce of what my pretty girl had. Elsa had more class in her pinkie finger than those girls had in their whole bodies. She was too sweet to realize what a gem she really was.
From day one she caught my eye and has held my attention since. The other’s tried like hell to land me, it was funnier than hell watching them attempt to score with me. It was Elsa’s pure beauty that made my heart rate spike and hands clammy. Most of my time was spent fighting to keep my damn hands off of her. She was that irresistible.
With her I had to go slow as not to spook her, I could tell she was a virgin right away. She blushed so damn easy. Man, when she blushed, my dick took notice. I’d had to adjust myself so often around her, she had to think I had a serious problem. Made me laugh though, if she only knew what kind of problem I had…well I’m sure she would have blushed even more or at least run away.
When I finally convinced her to have study dates with me they were more or less an excuse just to be close to her. I came up with more reasons why I needed her help. If she knew I didn’t need the help, she might have slapped me silly. She was always so proud of herself when she learned of my test scores. Her face would light up with excitement and the high five’s she gave me afterward, well, let’s just say I’d do it all over again. She had a way about her that sucked you in, and made you beg for more. Her sweetness and honesty, damn, just thinking about her still drives me crazy.
I let things get out of hand though; I was getting in too deep with her. Instead of shutting my mouth to my father, I let my feelings for her be known. Even if I hadn’t said anything, my parents saw right through me. The not so friendly stares grew into long frustrated talks about planning my life and making sure I was on track to meet and exceed my potential. It all started with the Air Force. My life was all mapped out for me, like my father and his father’s before.
Once I waivered in my response to one of my dad’s questions, that was all it took for him to set my path in motion earlier than I had expected. The one day I’d planned on taking a different course with my life, was the day I’d made my first mistake. At the time, I wanted a life with Elsa. The Air Force would have to wait, or not happen at all. I was okay with it, I wanted my girl by my side…always.
Dad, not wanting any of it, had sat me down the day after my amazing night with Elsa. Our first time was beyond fantastic, it was earth moving. Damn, her body was perfect. I can still remember the way she quivered as my body took hers. The way we moved in perfect fucking harmony took my breath away.
Early the next morning, I was informed I would be privately tutored to get my last few credits I needed so I could graduate early. Then and only then, I’d be ready for the Air Force Academy. My father, who had friends in high places, pulled a few strings, and the rest is history. I’d receive my education while I was stationed in Seattle, Washington. Hell, I had no idea how he accomplished this plan of his, but he was a smug bastard. He’d move mountains if need be. My only job was to NOT to disgrace the family name. The Taylor name meant something in the Air Force. Knowing I had zero choice in the decision to go, I sucked it up. What else could I do?
Forced into leaving, there was no way in hell I could see Elsa, not now. How could I? I would only end up breaking down and crying in front of her. For a young man going into the military, crying was a sign of weakness.
I knew the best thing was to limit my contact with her. For now. I would have Matt go and see her after I had left, and explain things to her. Maybe she would wait for me? I knew full well I couldn’t call her from halfway across the country and be able to maintain my focus on what I needed to do. Selfish or not, Elsa Winters would be a distraction for me, one I could not afford. My father drilled that shit deep in my mind so many times, I believed it myself.
Matt had gone to see her after I left, and her parents told him to leave. He had not seen her, and he told me to give her time. But, when he went back months later, he found out she left to visit her aunt. Then nothing, so I went on and did my service. I deployed for a short time, and I hated every minute of it. It was someone else’s dream, no longer mine.
I did my time and as soon as I could, I got out. Sure, my father was less than pleased I did not make it my career c
hoice, but I eventually stopped caring what he wanted. He’s not me, and I am not him. Enough had been enough.
In all that time, I stopped using my damn name. I couldn’t stand for any female to call me Micah, it felt like a betrayal. That was how messed up I was. A buddy of mine, Marcus, started calling me Ace and it stuck. The endless girls calling me Ace was easier to live with. I screwed every girl I could, to try to erase her from my mind, but it never worked. I even had to close my eyes, dreaming of being inside the sweet little body that belonged to my pretty girl. Finally realizing no girl felt good anymore, I gave it all up. Cut out screwing easy girls, and just lived my life day to day. Maybe one day, I’d move on.
The day I finally got to come home it was like I’d hit the damn lottery. Five God damn long years had passed. Driving down our street, my first stop was her house. Overly excited at the chance of being this close to her again, I damn near couldn’t contain myself. Her parents could at least tell me where to find her. I couldn’t wipe the damn smile off my face the whole time running up to her front door. Her menacing looking father though was less than happy when he realized it was me at the door. Seemed leaving his daughter with little to no explanation was not a wise move on my part.
“What the hell do you think you’re doing here, boy?” His voice was filled with contempt.
“Um…would Elsa happen to live here still?” I asked cautiously.
His snicker came across more like a sneer. “Got some balls to come here.”
Okay, needing to step back. “Um…Sir, I just want to see Elsa. Just got home from the Air Force, and I really need to see her.” I say holding my hands up, hell I’d pray if I thought that would help.
Appearing taller, he grimaces. “No.You.Don’t. If you cared for my daughter at all, you would forget all about her. She doesn’t ever need to see you again. She’s moved on, so should you.”
The door then slammed in my face.
In utter shock, I was at a loss for words.
“SHIT.DAMN.FUCK.” I shout at my brother.
“Listen dumbass, I told you to calm the hell down earlier. But, NO, you just went on and on. Give her time, Micah.” Matt said, raising his voice. The way he keeps moving his head from side to side, I can tell he’s tense and worried. He’s been making sure to let me know he was less than pleased with my rants from earlier. He told me he understood, but just the same, it wasn’t my most shinning moment.
We’ve spent hours looking for her, all the while he’s been preaching to me. All I seemed to do was screw this whole situation up. Finding out you are a father to a child you never knew about is a totally blow your mind kind of moment. At first I was so disgusted, thinking Elsa had an abortion, but I should have known she’d never do such a thing. Adoption though? Someone has my kid. Someone is raising my son… and it pisses me off. He should be my responsibility.
“Micah,” my brother interrupts my thoughts. “Did you once put yourself in her shoes, man? Christ, did you see her parents? Hell, she had to live with THAT shit for years. Can you imagine what she had to deal with… all alone.” Matt’s on a roll, slamming his hand on the dash of my newly detailed Camaro. Yes, my other baby is my Cherry Red Camaro…call her El. Yeah, I know…I had my pretty girl, so my car goes by El.
“Matt,” I grumble and moan. “I was way too mad to think about being rational. All I could think was I have a kid. A kid I never knew existed. Mom and Dad or even you never had a chance to raise the baby while I was gone. Hell, I would have stayed. I would have been back here for my girl, having our baby together.” I’m so pissed, I’m yelling at my brother again. Just like with Elsa, I don’t mean to take it out on them, but damn this sucks.
Matt stings my arm, smacking me with his hand. He’s red in the face, shouting, “Jesus, I’m sitting right here. Stop yelling, because it’s not doing a damn thing for you. Right now, you got your girl missing, and God only knows where she is, and what she is doing or with whom.”
My head snaps at what he’s implying. “What the fuck is that supposed to mean? She’s not a slut.”
A loud duh’ escapes his lips. “I’m not saying she is—dude, but she’s upset and alone…once again, all alone. Now if you're me, I would go drink…a lot. If I was as hot as Elsa, alone—and drinking, what would any guy try to do with that?” He says at me with a raised brow.
I’m damn near hyperventilating; I did not need that mental image he portrayed for me.
“Fuck, we need to find her.”
The way I acted today it’s like a stake in my chest, and the image my little brother planted in my head is pushing that stake in a little further. I screwed up, plain and simple. My girl is out there alone, thinking no one understands what she went through or how she feels, especially right now and she’s right.
My pretty girl had waited five years before she was with another guy, and that alone makes my head dizzy. Nick, that little prick, slid his way into her good side. I had met him a few times when I was with Liza. Shit, at the time I was encouraging him to hit on Liza’s roommate. The roommate I knew as Pip. Hell, I even questioned who the heck has a name like that. I never pushed Liza about it, never cared, to be honest. The only thing I feel right now, is damn stupid.
Liza, is a cool chick and crazy in bed. She helped ease the pain. I escaped my inner turmoil to the one who got away from me. I was honest with Liza, and she knew I had some deep rooted feelings for a girl I was with long ago. I never offered more, and she never pushed. A major reason it worked for us. She liked to have fun, and I liked to party. Remembering back now, I wish I could have put the pieces together, but how? I never saw it coming. Liza’s roommate, aka Pip, was my Elsa Winters…my pretty girl.
Slap me silly, this is some seriously screwed up shit. Add that to the realization that I was also a father to a baby boy we created back five years ago. Whose head wouldn’t be fucked up? Oh man.
The one and only time I had made a girl mine, was the time that a condom had not worked, and because of that, I knocked her up. Even though I’m royally pissed off, it’s not her fault. She most likely hates me after today, and that’s not a great feeling to have to live with. I fucking love that girl. Knowing she was forced to go through all of that alone, that her parents disowned her, makes my skin boil. Her parents are pieces of shit in my by book. When they turned their backs on her, she had to be crushed and scared. A fucking testament to how strong my girl really is. I have no clue how she did it? But, because of her, our son lives and breathes.
I should have been there. I would have had the chance to hold her hand and kiss her forehead. Sure we were young, but I would have made sure we were together. All of it ripped away from us, a life experience we will never get back. This will haunt us for the rest of our lives.
Telling my parents, this afternoon was beyond painful. My father seemed almost as pissed as I had been. He was the one pushing me away from her, but now he’s so furious he has a grandchild he will never see. Somewhere deep down, it seems he likes my pretty girl as much as I do. Well, maybe not that much. Though he acts different now then he did back then. My mom was shattered and in tears, and that crushed me even more. She was horrified to learn that Elsa’s parents made her feel like an outcast. Hell, none of us could believe that one. She was alone, the whole nine months and during the delivery, too. Not knowing what a woman goes through during childbirth, my mom painted the picture and it down right frightened me. When I explained to my mom, I understood the concept of what actually happens, I was scolded for being insensitive to the many emotions a woman goes through. I kept my mouth shut from that point on.
Taking her word for it all, Matt and I, left canvassing the area for her Honda Accord. I called Liza dozens of times telling her what happened, it seems she was as clueless as I was about the baby. It seems like Nick had known all about it, and he made sure I got a play by play of how much darkness my girl has been in. He called me ‘heartless’ and a ‘spineless fuck’ for placing blame on her. The sick part is, I agreed wi
th him. The bastard was right, I was a complete dick all the way, no matter how you looked at it.
I need to find her, explain how sorry I am. I swear I won’t stop telling her and begging for her to give me a chance to make it up. I want to hug her and let her cry it out with me. We need to talk about the baby, I need to hear her story. No interruptions, no one around. Just us, like it should have been all along. If I’d only listened to her!
I fumble with the phone, dialing her number for the hundredth time, “Fuck, she won’t answer me.” Not even bothering to end the call, I throw my phone toward my brother.
“Shit, settle down,” he fumbles around, trying to pick up my phone that is lying between his feet. “Between Liza, Nick and you and I, all looking for her, she’ll show up. We’ll find her, Micah. Just don’t lose your shit again. When we find her, and we will, you better keep your composure and beg as if your ass depends on it. Because brother, I got to tell you, right now you suck.”
Okay, can’t argue with him on that, but I’ve never seen Matt so worked up over any girl I’ve been with before. I’ve always known he liked Elsa, took a liking to her right away. He also knew he better never try to make a move on her or else I’d beat his ass. It was a running joke between us back in the day.
Recalling our fun chats when it came to my pretty girl makes me chuckle. “Why thanks for your load of confidence, brother. AND thank you, Einstein, I know I screwed up today. I just need to find her safe and sound. The rest will be okay. My pretty girl will understand…she has to.” My confidence is not what I’d like it to be, I just need to remain positive. If I let my insecurities creep in now, I will lose my shit all over again.
My phone, which is now lying in Matt’s lap, beeps with an incoming text. I go to grab for it, but he has it already held up away from my reach.
“Christ Micah, eyes on the road. I’ll read it to you.” He huffs before running his fingers over the buttons and reads it.