Just Breathe Again

by Mia Villano

  Marsha helped Jeannie up from the wet lawn. Her legs couldn’t hold her at first and she collapsed again. As if to give up, Jeannie sat there and didn’t move. Hooty grabbed her and pulled her to her bosom.

  “You can do this, baby. I know you can. I won’t leave you. Hooty be right here till she passes, you hear me?”

  Jeannie nodded. Once they had her up and moving, they walked back into the house. Marsha made coffee and Jeannie noticed she wiped a tear from her eye as she looked at Lydia lying in bed.

  Hooty came up to Lydia with medicine and a dropper. This was the beginning of the end. The medicine of death was going into her body. Nothing she could do at that moment would stop her daughter from leaving her. No miracle was coming to take over and make her daughter well again. Her pain and suffering would soon be over once Hooty placed that medicine in her mouth. Just a drop she put on Lydia’s tongue. Jeannie could not stand to watch. She had to look away.

  “Lydia, baby. Open your mouth for Hooty. This is going to take your pain away.” Hooty whispered into Lydia’s ear. Lydia, though her eyes were closed, opened her mouth. The dying process had begun, and it became too much to bear. Lydia seemed to relax. Marsha called Steven, told him what was happening, and he came over. Michael, Jeannie and Steven laid in the bed with her, and Hooty left for home with instructions on what to do. Jeannie made sure she was the one administering the morphine throughout the day. She stayed up all night, watching her daughter sleep, knowing what the drugs were doing to her. When Lydia would wake up and move around Jeannie gave her more medicine. The next day, Hooty arrived again extra early to be with them as much as she was able.

  “How you holdin’ up?” she asked. She sat down on the couch next to Jeannie and rubbed her hand.

  “What do you think, Hooty? My daughter said goodbye to me yesterday. Not a goodbye like she’s going to college, or moving to another state, it was a goodbye, I’m dying. You started giving her medicine that would shut down her body and end her life,” said Jeannie. She began crying and put her head on Hooty’s shoulder. Reaching up to stroke her head, Hooty knew the parents and caregivers needed as much help as the dying patient. This was always harder on them.

  “She’s getting worse, you know?” said Hooty, still stroking Jeannie’s head.

  Jeannie shook her head yes. Michael came down the steps.

  “Hey, Mom and Hooty. How’s Lydia?” he asked, trying to be quiet so he would not wake her. He knew she had to sleep, and waking her wasn’t good.

  “Come here, pumpkin,” said Jeannie.

  “Lydia is in pain today. She needs to sleep,” said Hooty. She adored Michael and had a soft spot for his constant questions.

  “Are you hungry?” asked Jeannie. She lost over twenty pounds since she found out Lydia was sick. She couldn’t eat, and didn’t care to eat. Marsha would force feed her in order for her not to pass out.

  “Yeah. I’m going to go upstairs. I smell something up there Marsha is cooking,” he answered.

  Marsha was cooking something that smelled delicious throughout the house. He did run over to Lydia and kissed her on the cheek like he did every day when he came home from school. It would melt anyone’s heart to see the love he had for his ailing sister.

  As he was about to walk upstairs to eat, he looked back over at Lydia. She had her eyes open staring at the corner of the room mumbling something.

  “Mom, something is wrong with Lydia,” he said.

  Jeannie and Hooty both jumped up off the couch. They looked over at Lydia and she was mumbling to someone. She lifted her arm and pointed to the corner of the room.

  Hooty saw this before, but Jeannie didn’t know what was occurring.

  “What’s wrong with her, Hooty?” she asked, walking over to her to try to calm her.

  “She’s talking to someone on the other side, Jeannie. I have seen this before. They see what we don’t see. Someone is with her and making her transition a little easier. She might be seein her daddy or her guardian angel,” said Hooty, looking on in awe. It was a miraculous experience to see a patient talk to someone on the other side.

  “Does it mean she’s leaving me now?” asked Jeannie as tears welled in her eyes. Michael stared at his sister, not able to speak. Since Jeannie had not prayed in a while, she didn’t want to hear an angel waited to take her daughter to the other side. There were no angels, according to Jeannie.

  “This happens sometimes before they pass. It depends on how bad they be fightin’ it.”

  “Should we wake her? She must just be dreaming,” said Jeannie.

  “She aint dreamin’, Miss Jeannie. Lydia is aware of what is happenin’. We aint seein’ what she’s seein’. My last patient kept tellin’ us they saw their momma in the corner of the room sittin’ there watchin’ him. The others who have passed come to be with you when you is passin’,” said Hooty.

  Jeannie didn’t answer her. She wasn’t going to be suckered into any religious feelings again. Look what praying had gotten her so far. Nothing but losing a husband, her home, her life, and the thing she held closest to her heart, her daughter. No, she didn’t want to hear about religious beliefs.

  Jeannie walked over to Lydia and tried to snap her out of what she felt was a bad dream, and helped her daughter roll over and go back to sleep. “Lydia, baby. You are having a dream, honey. Roll over and try to rest.” No, Jeannie didn’t want to hear someone from the other side was coming to take her. It had to be the morphine making her hallucinate is all. This stupidity about angels and family members was just to make everyone feel better.

  Chapter 11

  The next day, Lydia was going farther downhill. She wasn’t eating, sleeping all day, and Jeannie feared she was starving to death. Hooty assured her it was part of the process.

  “Her body is shutting down, Miss Jeannie. It aint’ hungry like we is. Miss Lydia’s body don’t need food to sustain it no more. She’s okay. She may wake up and want somethin’. If she does, we go get it, even if she eats one bite. You on the other hand, should eat. You is wastin’ away to nothin’, Miss Jeannie. You need to keep your strength up for this here girl. You hear me?” she asked.

  “Hooty, I just can’t. I will try to eat dinner tonight. You know the funny thing is a few months ago, I was ashamed at how much weight I had gained and wondered how I could lose the extra pounds. I didn’t dream this was going to be like this.”

  “We don’t know what the good Lord has for us around the corner, do we?” said Hooty, going to the refrigerator and making Jeannie a sandwich.

  “Now, I want you to eat this for me and I ain’t goin’ to take no for an answer.”

  She sat the sandwich down on the table they had downstairs in the little kitchen. Jeannie listened and ate the sandwich in four bites. She was hungrier than she thought. Hooty hugged her and told her she needed to go lie down for a while and take a nap.

  Jeannie remembered falling asleep and not waking up till the morning. She woke up in a panic, but noticed Marsha and Steven were there with Lydia.

  She jumped up from the bed. “How long did I sleep?”

  “All night, and you needed the rest. Hooty told us you were exhausted.”

  “You shouldn’t let me sleep so much. What if something happened?”

  “If something were to happen, we would have gotten you up. Your body told you it needed sleep,” said Marsha.

  Later that afternoon, Jeannie was making coffee in their little kitchen and Marsha and John had gone grocery shopping. Michael was out of school for his last week of winter break, and at the movies with friends. The house was quiet except for the oxygen machine running in the distance, and the sound of the coffee dripping down into the pot.

  A cell phone buzzed with a ring Jeannie wasn’t familiar with. She checked hers, it wasn’t ringing, and Lydia’s had been disconnected. She heard the phone ring again, and remembered Vince’s charging by her bed. Jeannie plugged the phone in weeks ago when she found it and forgot the phone was still there. She tried
to answer it. By the time she opened it up, the ringing stopped. Looking at the phone, it was the same number that had called it earlier numerous times. She told herself she would call the number back if whoever called again, but she was too tired to worry about it. When she put the phone back in the drawer, it rang again. This time she answered.

  “Hello,” she said, trying to be quiet and not wake Lydia.

  There was silence on the other end, but Jeannie heard someone breathing.

  “Hello. Who is this?” she asked, getting upset. No answer, so she hit the off button. Seconds later the phone rang again.

  “Who is this? Speak up or I will have this traced,” said Jeannie, getting rather pissed off, fast.

  “I’m sorry. I have the wrong number,” said the voice on the other end. The voice sounded like a rather young girl. But it was the same number that had been calling repeatedly. She was just getting ready to call the number back when Hooty walked in and started doing what she did to Lydia each morning. Worrying about who was calling Vince’s phone could wait. They spoke about Lydia’s weakening condition and after she was done taking her vitals, they sat down on the couch and had coffee.

  While Lydia slept, she suddenly woke up and started speaking like her old self.

  “Mom?” she said.

  Jeannie, and Hooty, jumped up and they both walked to her bed.

  “Mom, Dad’s here,” she said.

  Thinking it must be the morphine talking, Jeannie rubbed her forehead and said, “Hey, Lydia. Mom’s here.”

  “Dad says Hi, and he came to take me with him. We are going for a motorcycle ride when I get there. He’s happy,” she whispered.

  “That’s good, Lydia. You rest now,” Jeannie gave her more morphine and put a cold rag on her forehead.

  “I saw this happen. I want ya’ll to know that the end is comin’ real soon. If she done said she seen her Daddy he is right there waitin’ to take her with him.”

  Hooty took her vital signs and Marsha came downstairs to see what was going on.

  “Miss Jeannie, I’m going to wash Lydia up. Can you keep everybody out for a few minutes? I won’t be long,” said Hooty. It was standard practice with hospice to wash the patient before.

  “Can I help you?” asked Jeannie with tears in her eyes. Hooty looked at Marsha and nodded her head.

  “That be fine, Miss Jeannie. I want everyone else out,” she said.

  They washed up Lydia and she didn’t wake up once. The entire time they moved and changed her nightgown, she stayed asleep. Jeannie looked down at her daughter’s emaciated body. The sight of her bones protruding out, made her sick. She began to cry again. Looking at Hooty’s face, she knew she had to hold it together. Lydia looked nothing like her daughter she knew three months ago. The life left already, and it would be a matter of time before her soul was gone too.

  “She’s going to leave me today isn’t she, Hooty?” asked Jeannie. She was trying so hard not to cry.

  “I think so, baby. It’s time,” she said.

  Hooty saw this more times than she could count. This week alone, Lydia would be her fifth person to leave this world. To Hooty, Lydia was special. She sensed something spiritual when she was there with her. Lydia was of strong faith and Hooty felt her faith all around. Once they finished washing her up and changing her nightgown, she called her office to let them know the end was near.

  Steven drove over and Michael, Marsha and John came downstairs to sit with Lydia. Marsha called Jeannie’s mom. She said she would be on the next plane there. She didn’t know how fast she could get there, but she would be there. Marsha explained to her Lydia would not make it through the night. They put up the twinkling lights, lit candles and played Lydia’s favorite singer, Enya. They didn’t want a lot of people, just close friends. They kept the vigil small and Father Dave stopped over later in the evening. The sun was setting in the sky and you could see pink and blue hues in the distant. A light cool breeze and a sky full of stars made for a beautiful evening in spite of what was happening.

  Before she fell back to sleep again one last time, Lydia asked to be taken outside in the night air. They couldn’t make out what she was saying, but Hooty heard.

  “My sweet Miss Lydia wants to go outside, Jeannie. How does that sound with everyone?” she asked putting her ear to Lydia’s lips. John, Steven, and Father Dave wheeled her hospital bed out to the back patio. She woke up a little, feeling the movement around her bed. Marsha ran out and lit a fire, turned on the twinkling lights, lit candles everywhere, and put on music.

  The last night of her life, Lydia slept. She didn’t wake up again. Everyone sat around holding her hand, touching a part of her, and singing. She was surrounded by love and wrapped in a ton of blankets to keep her warm. They put her by the fire so she felt the warmth of the heat on her face. Jeannie looked around at the family and friends gathered with Lydia. Faces looked sad and tears poured out of their eyes. Jeannie was the saddest of anyone there. How anyone could know the pain of watching your daughter so young and full of life, wither away in front of you was unbearable. Jeannie hoped none of them would ever feel the pain she felt at that moment.

  “Lydia?” whispered Marsha.

  “Lydia?” said Hooty. Lydia stayed asleep. Her breathing becoming more labored.

  “Sweetheart, you is outside, under the stars. We brought you out here by the fire and waterfall. It’s a beautiful night. We’re here with you and we love you, baby,” said Hooty. Jeannie was too upset to talk and thought it was best to have Hooty talk so Lydia didn’t hear her crying. Lydia squeezed Hooty’s hand letting her know she understood.

  A single tear dripped down Lydia’s face though she didn’t open her eyes. She held on to her mom’s hand and Jeannie felt her pulse weaken. Jeannie had to talk to her one last time. She swallowed back the tears and found the strength to tell her bye one last time.

  “Lydia, mom’s here. I want you to know Michael and I will be fine. You let go and go be with Daddy. Tell him we love him. I love you so very much. You rest baby and….” She could not go on without crying. It was too much to keep talking without screaming in sorrow and desperation to hold on to her daughter another day. Jeannie felt Lydia squeeze her hand, and she knew she heard what she said. Jeannie looked at her daughter’s skin so young and perfect and her fingers were turning blue. Her perfect lips were now colorless and her face was grey. Lydia gasped for air being pumped into her at a slower rate. The rattling in her chest made Steven cry. Before too long, he had to leave. Father Dave administered the last rights for her and put Lydia’s rosary on her failing body.

  They all sat with Lydia on the beautiful fall evening, filled with stars and a full moon, and watched this beautiful soul take her last breath. She was calm and quiet when she came into the world and Jeannie noticed, she was the same way leaving. She didn’t think she would ever watch her husband and child die within a couple of years. How was she going to get through a day without seeing Lydia or talking to her? This beautiful girl left this world. This world was not good enough for her. How special to be the mother of someone so spectacular. She showed her great strength and faith in God up until she took her last breath. With her rosaries in her hand, Lydia was at peace and home.

  Marsha came up to Jeannie and hugged her, wrapping a blanket around her shoulders. The tears streamed down her face as she held her tight.

  “Baby, I’m not crying because I am sad. Yes, I’m going to miss her terrible. When I die someday, I want to die like this. This was the most beautiful passing of a person I have ever seen,” she sobbed.

  Jeannie nodded her head staring down at Lydia. She looked like she was sleeping. Her eyes were closed, her lips slightly parted and her face looked as if she was a little girl, so innocent and peaceful. Her body lay still under the blankets. She was the lucky one; she was with Vince. Hooty was with them and turned off the machines and equipment being used to keep Lydia alive for the past three months. The sound of the oxygen machine was quieted. John took Mic
hael inside to calm him down. Michael had been through a lot the past few months and was at times pushed aside for his sister’s needs. It was his turn for attention, and Jeannie had to remember he went through just as much as she did.

  Hooty had to call the coroner and they would be there soon to take Lydia to the funeral home. The same funeral home Vince was in. Jeannie didn’t want to leave her. The sounds of utter despair and sadness came out of Jeannie once the people left. Marsha and Hooty left her alone till the coroner arrived. Jeannie lay down with her daughter grabbing on to her, pulling her close, and wailing. Hooty had to get her up once the coroner pulled in the driveway. When Jeannie saw him coming with a gurney to take Lydia away, she became hysterical again. This time they could not calm her. Marsha had to take her upstairs to her room. They convinced her to take something to relax and she fell asleep crying from the dark space of her being.

  Chapter 12

  Jeannie’s mother flew in the next morning after Lydia passed away. She cried and carried on making Lydia’s death worse for everyone around her. Marsha had to step in and tell her she had to get herself together for her daughter. She listened, but not without an argument.

  “This is hard for me too, you know. I have to bury my granddaughter,” she wailed.

  “I’m sure, but your daughter needs you to be strong for her. She watched her husband and her daughter die. Everyone is going to be devastated over losing Lydia. We have to put our own feelings aside to be there for Jeannie.” Marsha was at the end of her rope with that woman and she just arrived.

  “I’m trying, but it’s hard for me. I loved that little girl,” she yelled, getting more and more emotional. Victoria claimed she loved everyone, but didn’t want to be bothered with them when life was good. How she must be filled with guilt, knowing she was not there for any of them. That alone was punishment enough. When she calmed down, they went to the funeral home together and picked out a beautiful white casket with gold trim and flowers. Once again Jeannie’s mom stepped up and paid for the funeral, a nice gesture to help her ease her guilt and shame.