“But my mom’s kind of older than you.”
“Yeah, she is, isn’t she?”
Eugene looked at me expectantly.
“All I can tell you is that love doesn’t recognize the age of the person who grabs your heart.”
“How’d it happen?”
How did it happen? How was I supposed to explain to Eugene that Rosalyn and I had an affair when I was so young? I made small circles in the sand with my finger. “Your mom moved back to Point Loma from Santa Fe when she was thirty, and when I saw her, it was like a beautiful mermaid floated into my life. She’d grown up close to my mom—they were friends, but she was a stranger to me. I gave her surf lessons, and we hung out, and we became friends. And then, we became more than friends.”
His eyebrows shot up. “My mom surfed?”
I smiled. “Yep. Your mom surfed.”
“When she left, didn’t you try to find her?”
“Of course I did. But she did a good job of hiding.” I looked Eugene in the eye. “If I’d have known about you, I would’ve been your dad this whole time. I’m still not over that.” I squeezed my eyes tight. A montage of moments I’d missed with Eugene flashed before my eyes; Eugene’s birth, Eugene as a baby, Eugene’s bright, shiny face lit with excitement when his mom gave him the guitar, and the things I wanted to give him: Christmas presents for my boy, summer vacations together, teaching my son to surf. I wanted to give him a good life. A life that included a father who loved him.
Eugene dropped his shoulders, his spine bowed, and he looked at the sand. “Is my mom really dying?”
I gently placed my hand on his back. “That’s what the doctors seem to think. But she’s planning to try a new treatment that has a pretty good success rate. And you and me, we’re going to do everything we can to help your mom. Deal?”
He nodded.
I picked up the photo of Rosalyn holding Eugene when he was a baby. A wave of grief passed over me thinking again about all I had missed. But I had to put that aside for now. I took a deep, calming breath. Looking at the photo, I said, “You were kind of a dorky looking kid.”
“Was not.”
“Were too.”
“Was not!”
“Were too.”
We smiled at each other.
“So, what’s it like riding the bus in the middle of the night?”
He gave a weak smile. “Kinda creepy.”
“Always wanted to ride a bus to Mavs. How many’d you have to take?”
“Four.”
My eyebrows shot upward. “Pretty brave in that storm.”
“I’m stronger than my mom thinks. I can do a lot more than she thinks.”
I couldn’t wait to get to know Eugene and find out all he was capable of.
I picked up the picture of Rosalyn, Tyler, and me. “I remember the day this was taken.” I covered my eyes. “Damn, I miss my brother. But you know what? Sometimes life has plans for us that we would never choose. Things really suck then something good happens. And you know what I think?”
“What?”
“I think this is a really good morning to talk your mom into letting you learn to surf.”
“You think?”
I scanned the horizon. “Wave’s aren’t any good here. Let’s go. We’ve got a hysterical mother to get home to.”
We walked to the truck. I bundled Eugene into my jacket, turned the heat on in the truck, and he slept on the ride back to Pleasure Point. When we arrived, Rosalyn waited on the front porch, her face blotchy from crying. Her arms hugged her body tightly. When I put the truck in park, she sprinted to the passenger side door and flung it open.
“Oh my God!” she said, pulling Eugene into a hug. “Let me look at you. Are you hurt?”
Eugene’s eyes studied the ground. “I’m okay, mom.”
I gave Rosalyn a look. “I think you two need to talk.”
When we were in the house, Rosalyn demanded that Eugene get into a warm shower while she fixed him hot cocoa. I cornered Rosalyn in the kitchen and said, “He just wants you to be honest with him. We both read the letter, and he went through your journal. Eugene wants you to trust him. How about I go surfing and leave you two alone to talk?”
She sagged against me, and I put my arms around her. She felt fragile, but there was a warmth and a vibrance to her as well. “Okay.” She gazed up at me with those big brown eyes.
“I know you can do this, Roz.”
Rosalyn bit her lower lip. “But what am I going to say?”
“You’re going to tell him the truth.”
She shifted from foot to foot. “I don’t know if—”
I held her by the shoulders. “You can.”
“But I’ve already messed things up so bad.” Rosalyn dropped her head, avoiding eye contact.
“This is your chance to make things right.”
Her eyes met mine imploringly. “Can’t you do it?”
“Rosalyn, listen to me.” I held her head in my hands forcing her to look me in the eye. “You’re his mom. Eugene loves you. He just wants the truth.”
She took a deep breath. “Jax, thank you again.”
I kissed the tip of her nose and went outside to wax up my board.
Rosalyn
Eugene was sulking when he emerged from the shower and came into the kitchen. He’d barely look at me. “Come here, baby,” I said. I hugged him. His body was stiff, his eyes downcast. “I’m so sorry about all this.” Eugene didn’t say a word. “Sit down, let me make you breakfast. Anything you want.” He slunk over to the table, noisily pulled a chair out, and busied himself with petting Leo.
I stared at my son then jumped in to preparing breakfast, as though this small activity would erase the gravity of what I’d done. I’d lied to Eugene. All his life, I’d lied to him.
I prepared Eugene’s favorite breakfast foods: French toast with cinnamon and honey and hot cocoa. I poured the steaming cocoa into a Scooby Doo mug. My hands shook so badly that I nearly spilled the drink when I placed it in front of him.
How to explain that I’d had sex with Jax? That he’d been my friend Lydia’s son? That he’d been off limits?
Eugene’s bony fingers gripped the mug, and he took a sip of cocoa, his dark, wet hair slicked back from his face.
I sat in the seat opposite him. I cleared my throat. “So, what’s Mavericks like?”
He glanced up. “It’s okay. Waves weren’t big. Kinda cold and grey.”
I dropped my gaze. “Honey, I am so sorry.”
Eugene sat up straight. “When were you gonna tell me?”
“Well,” I inspected my cuticles. “I planned on doing that this week.”
“Really?”
I expelled a breath. “No. The thing is … I guess I was chickening out.” I looked into his eyes. “When this whole thing happened between Jax and me, I knew it was wrong, but we were friends. We still are. At least we’re picking up where we left off.”
His green eyes were slits. “He’s been here over a week. So, why didn’t you tell me?”
I folded a dish towel on the table, examining it carefully. “Because, I wasn’t proud of what I did. I had sex with someone who was much younger than me, the son of a close friend.” Eugene was thirteen and probably knew more than I thought about sex, but my face still turned crimson.
He stood up, and Leo flew off his lap. “You liar!”
I jumped up to soothe him, but he wrenched free, running for the living room. I caught him mid stride, my arms circling him. “Sweetie, I’m so, so sorry.”
His body thrashed and bucked. “Leave me alone. I can’t trust you. How do I know anything you say’s true?”
I forced my face in front of Eugene’s. Our eyes met. “You don’t know. You have every right to be mad at me. I didn’t tell you because, oh honey, I was so ashamed.”
“Of me?”
I gripped him tightly. “Of course not you. You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”
“You li
ed to me.”
“I know I did.”
“And you lied to Jax.”
“I did.”
Tears filled his eyes, his voice choked. “I have a real dad. He could’ve been here with us the whole time.”
Nausea filled my stomach and the room spun. “Sweetie, I thought I was doing the right thing.”
Eugene’s knees buckled, and he slumped to the floor. “I was so stupid for believing you. I knew something was wrong.”
And that’s when I understood the impact of my lie. I had hurt my child. Badly. But I had to keep it together for his sake. “Honey? Please, please let me make this right.” He peeked up at me, and in that moment, I saw a glimmer of hope. I held my hand out, and Eugene took it. “Let’s talk. I’ll answer any questions you want to ask.” I led him into the kitchen, and we sat down at the table. Eugene eyed me warily. I cleared my throat and took a sip of water. “Maybe you want to start?”
His green eyes narrowed. “Why’d you leave Jax? Like, when you knew you were pregnant?”
I rubbed my hands against my dress. “I thought I was doing the right thing. Jax was only nineteen. There was no way he was ready to be a dad.” I felt like a child again, trying to explain to my parents that I didn’t steal the milk money.
“Why’d you make up that thing about the sperm donor?”
My jaw clenched, and I busied myself with refolding the dish towel. “That was pretty stupid, wasn’t it?”
He folded his arms, looked away, and for a second I thought he was going to run away again. “You know how embarrassing that was? Like all the kids at school making fun of me for not having a dad?”
My throat felt like I’d swallowed a golf ball, and tears pricked my eyes. “I’m so sorry, baby. I didn’t know that. Kids can be so mean.”
“Yeah, well, you’re not the one who has to go to school with them.” Eugene bowed his head. “Mom? Is Jax really my dad?”
My heart sped up, my vision clouded. “Yes, baby, he is. Jax was the only person I had been with, so yes, he’s your dad without question.”
“Is he gonna start bossing me around?”
I smiled at my son. “No, your mom’s the only one who gets to do that.”
Eugene took a sip of cocoa. “Does he want to be my dad?”
“Well, this whole thing has come as a surprise to him. But, yes, he cares about you, and he’s your dad.” How could I assure Eugene that Jax would be a good father? The man was a stranger to him. “He’s a good man. I’m sorry I lied to him. And to you.”
“Mom, why didn’t you tell me Tyler was my uncle?”
A shock sliced through me. Of course he knew about Tyler. He’d read my journal, and probably googled him. I stood up and drifted over to the kitchen window, eyeing my bong on the kitchen counter then sat down again. “Because, honey, that would’ve led to questions about … Oh, baby, I messed up bad.”
“But I never got to meet him.”
“I know, sweetheart. Can you forgive me?”
“And now he’s dead.”
I raced to his side and took his face in my hands, wanting to shield Eugene from pain. “Sweetie, I know. It’s awful. Sometimes things happen in life that none of us can explain.”
Eugene pulled away from my touch. “What was he like?”
I sat down and moved my chair so that our knees were touching. He let me take his hands, and I searched his eyes. “He was talented, polite, funny, and kind of shy. Just like you, he never went anywhere without his guitar.”
“Did you keep in touch with him?”
I looked down at my lap. “No, I didn’t. Want to hear something funny? When you were born, I couldn’t get over how much you looked like him.”
“I do?”
“Take a look in the mirror.”
“Think I’ll ever play the guitar as good as him?”
“Sweetheart, I think you’ll be even better. You’ve got some great DNA.”
He put his head down, and a tiny tear escaped and fell in my lap. “Mom, are you gonna die?”
My son was hurting. I had hurt Eugene. Everything was my fault. A chill shot through me, and a moan escaped my lips. How could I make his pain disappear? I couldn’t. I wanted to grab my bong and inhale as many tokes as it took to numb the pain. I wanted to pour myself a big glass of poppy seed tea and float away to another world that didn’t include the pain I’d caused.
I had lied to him. How long did I think I could hide the truth? Forever? I would do anything to make him smile again. To make him feel secure.
I looked out the window at a world filled with life, birds singing, clouds floating, and took a deep breath. “I’m doing everything I can to keep that from happening.” I faced him and held both his hands in mine. “I will do everything to be here and be your mom. Because being your mom is the best thing I’ve ever done in my life.” And then I told him about the Trinity program and that I’d be going to Mexico in the next few weeks. I didn’t want to get anyone’s hopes up, but I said, “The program has a pretty high success rate.”
“Can I stay with Nelson?” he said.
“If his mom and dad say it’s okay, sure. I’ll talk to them, honey.”
“Mom,” he said, looking up at me with that face that I had loved every single moment for the past thirteen years. “Can Jax teach me and Nelson how to surf?”
Maybe things would be okay. I smiled a big smile and hugged my son. “I guess I owe you a little fun, don’t I? Okay, I suppose we could work something out. But only if I get to watch from the beach.”
Eugene’s face shifted. The dark clouds that had covered his features slowly cleared. “Mom, are you and Jax gonna get married? Like, are you in love?”
The laugh that erupted from my mouth was shrill. “Oh, I don’t want to rush in to anything.” A flush crept across my cheeks. “I do care about Jax. A lot. I don’t know what’s going to happen. Is that okay for now?”
“I guess so.” A small smile escaped his lips, and my body flooded with relief. “Can I eat now?”
I pointed to the plate in front of him. “Eat up. Your mom still gets to make sure you clean your plate.”
He tore into his food while I sipped herbal tea. When he was done, he hopped up, gave me a quick peck on the cheek, and raced into his room.
I collapsed back in my chair, feeling like all the pent up demons of the past thirteen years were slowly being exorcised. Everything was finally out in the open.
I reached for my bong then set it aside. Maybe I didn’t need to numb myself. Maybe things would be okay.
Eugene
The day I found out I had a dad, Nelson came over after school so we could practice guitar. He’d finally gotten that totally sweet Fender Jazz Bass and we were learning a new song.
“Your mom just about had a coronary when you left,” he said when he walked into my room and jumped on the bed with a box of cheese crackers. “Shit, if that was me, I can guaran-fucking-tee you that my dad wouldn’t let me have friends over for the rest of my life.”
“Well, my mom’s being extra nice to me right now,” I said, wishing that things could go back to normal. Whatever that was.
“Yeah? How come?” He jammed a handful of crackers into his mouth.
“Kind of a long story, but can you keep a secret?” He nodded his head. And I told him about Jax being my dad.
I thought Nelson’s eyes were going to pop right out of his head as I told him about the letter and the fact that my mom and Jax’d had sex when they were younger.
“No fucking way, dude,” he said, leaning forward. “You sure they’re not making this up?”
“Pretty sure.”
He jumped up off the bed and started pacing the room. “This totally rocks! You know how lucky you are? Holy shit, you got a dad who’s a pro-surfer, and he’s got all kinds a cool boards, and he drives a truck, and he’s gonna teach us to surf.” Nelson stopped pacing and stood in front of me. “He’s gonna teach us to surf, right? You know you gotta tell your mom
that since he’s your dad and all … Fuckin’… no fucking way … dude, this is the craziest thing I’ve ever heard. Ever.”
“My mom said he’d teach us. Guess that’s pretty cool, huh?”
Nelson jumped on the bed. “Radical! You and me are gonna rip it up out there.”
Nelson could barely contain his excitement as I told him about the four buses I’d taken to get to Half Moon Bay and how my mom had let me stay home from school that day and how nice Jax and my mom were being to me. I didn’t say how stressed out I was about my mom because I was worried I’d cry about it. But I did tell him about that remedy or whatever it was she was trying.
“Jax has to go to Mexico with my mom for some cure thing she’s doing. Gonna be gone a couple of weeks. Maybe my mom’ll let me stay with you if your dad says it’s okay.”
He clapped his hands together. “We’ll talk ’em into it. Dude, you gotta take advantage of everything. This is your chance, you lucky freak show.”
I didn’t feel lucky, but what was I supposed to do?
“Does this mean they’re gonna be kissing and junk?”
“I don’t know.” Jeez, I hoped not.
Nelson grabbed the box of crackers, sprang onto the bed, stuffed a handful in his mouth, and munched while he thought. “You know what this means? Your mom had sex with Jax. That is totally gross.”
I didn’t want to be reminded of that, but knowing Nelson, he’d never let me forget.
“What a flippin’ head trip, dude.”
I glared at him.
“Just messing with you. Wish I had a dad like Jax.”
I grabbed my guitar.
“Let’s practice,” I said to my best friend.
“Then can we go surfing?”
I grinned. “Like you said, I’m one lucky freak show. Yeah, we’ll talk to Jax later.”
I had a dad. How totally freaking bizarre.
Holly
Jax had been gone well over a week. When he called that afternoon, his distant tone set off danger bells. I’d just gotten home from work and had shed my business attire in favor of running clothes when the phone rang. Seeing his name on my caller ID and the photo of him emerging from the ocean with his surfboard tucked under his arm, my scalp prickled.
Pleasure Point: The Complete Series Page 52