I hit the water and my board skipped. I tried to catch a breath, but instead I got plowed under the water and sucked up the face of that massive wave. It felt like hours before I rose to the top, and I knew I had to get a good breath or be finished. I stroked hard to the surface, and for a split second I actually punched out of the back of the wave, hovering at the top of the lip. Take a deep breath, now! Right after I inhaled, I got smacked over, shot down the falls, and annihilated.
Just annihilated.
My flotation vest was only for emergencies. I pulled the rip cord to activate the CO2 cartridge. Nothing. You gotta be kidding me. And that was when I got drilled deep down into the ocean and bounced off the bottom. I knew I had to relax because there was no way to fight a force of nature like that. Finally, the pressure eased, and I started up for the light, but I got pounded down again and beat right back down to the bottom. My body tumbled like a rag doll. I was head over heels along the bottom thinking, please, let me up, because I needed air. I needed air bad.
I started kicking like crazy for the surface. It had to be right there? But all I could see was foam and bubbles. By then I was making involuntary gurgling sounds, the throat spasms deep free divers had warned me about. They said these happen right before you black out, and I knew I didn’t have much time. I was almost to the surface, my arms reaching out through the spume, and that was when I heard, and felt, the next wave break. Holy fucking shit!
I was going to die.
I had no air.
I panicked, which is the worst thing you can do. This is what big wave surfers go through when they die. This is how it happens. My mind flashed to Rosalyn and Eugene. How could I have been so selfish? They needed me, and here I was surfing. The realization that I would never give Eugene surf lessons was a crushing vise, squeezing my chest.
I was going to die.
And then everything became calm.
I floated above the ocean, looking down at the waves, surfers, and Jet Skis. I watched with an airy detachment as one of the ski-patrols frantically sped through the ocean. I could see the driver’s face perfectly, like I was right in front of him, and wondered idly, why he was so upset. I was able to see and feel everything that he saw and felt. But he was frantic, and I was relaxed.
I’m either having a really bizarre dream or I’m dead right now. And once I had that epiphany, I felt an even greater sense of calm, peace, and love.
Suddenly, I found myself immersed in light. It was an all-encompassing light where time had no meaning. Space had no meaning. The pull of the light was so captivating and overwhelming that I had no choice but to completely surrender to it. It reminded me of shimmering liquid mercury. The attraction I felt toward this light filled me with total awe. The unconditional love and happiness it exuded was infinite. I think I’ll just stay here awhile.
And then I saw Tyler.
He was just the way I remembered him, that easy smile, his calm, relaxed way. “Hey bro, what are you doing here?” I said.
“Jax, what are you doing here? Hey, it’s good to see you!”
The connection that we’d always had where we were able to read each other’s thoughts and feel each other’s feelings was still there. The second I had the thought that I wanted to hug my brother, I was immediately surrounded by his embrace. It was as though anything I thought manifested instantly. “I’ve missed you.”
“Why do you miss me? I’ve always been right here.”
“But, I was worried about you.”
“Why?” He seemed genuinely perplexed that I would be concerned about him. “Because …” and then I couldn’t remember why I was worried about him or why I ever felt sad about anything.
He hugged me hard. “Looks like you’re surfing better than ever.”
“Surfing? Oh yeah, surfing. Yeah, getting some pretty gnarly waves.”
He smiled, his green eyes coming alive. “I got this band that is unbelievable. I play lead guitar, bass. They even let me play mandolins and drums. And listen to this, a viola. Always wanted to play viola.”
“You did, didn’t you?”
“Yep. I get to do anything I want here. And the chicks are gorgeous. Wait till you meet the chicks.”
“You mean I get to stay with you?”
“If you want to.”
“But I thought …” I scratched my head. “You mean, I have a choice?”
“Of course you do, dummy. You’ve always had a choice. Same here as anywhere else.”
He grabbed my hand. “Come on! Let me show you around.”
Tyler and I moved forward, and it was just like in that Superman movie where Superman put his arm around Lois Lane as they careened through the galaxy. I looked all around and saw shooting stars against a black sky, a swirling light filled with a profusion of colors, and I could hear Tyler’s music. I could feel, see, hear, and taste the music. I looked at him, and he grinned. “Told you my music was freaking awesome.”
The whole thing was bizarre and unreal. “How come I don’t feel afraid?”
“Why would you?”
And then I couldn’t remember why I would ever feel afraid. Fear didn’t exist here.
As we moved forward through the shimmering mercurial light, which was filled with colors, music, and warmth, we reached a point where something extraordinary happened. I swirled and danced through the universe, and I felt the emotion of falling in love. It was like I was on the biggest and best wave I’d ever surfed, crouched down in a massive tube, the salty water cascading over me. The water was the most exquisite shade of turquoise filled with diamonds. Wind whistled through my ears, and I thought, Man, what a ride! Then, I felt hot, tingly, and filled with sensations of love, followed by an orgasmic eruption of glorious intelligence and power in my mind, up my spine, and in every single cell in my being. “Wow! That’s intense!”
Tyler’s face was right next to mine, smiling. “Told you it was cool.”
Then things became peaceful, and we walked toward an area that contained a boundary of sorts. I had the feeling that if I crossed over that line, I wouldn’t be able to return.
Tyler said, “What about Rosalyn and Eugene?”
“Who?”
“You dummy, only the two people you love most in the world.”
“Oh yeah, that’s right.”
Tyler turned to me and put both hands on my shoulders. “Let me tell you something, bro. You know what this place is all about?”
“No. What?”
“Love. The reason why it feels so good to love is because that’s where we came from and that’s where we all end up. Embrace it. The challenge is to make it happen when you’re back in that body.”
“But why would I want to go back?”
“Because you wanted it. You were the one who decided to leave here and fit into a body. You get to bump into other bodies, teach Eugene to surf, listen to him play his guitar, and you get to kiss Rosalyn. This is your time. And they need you.”
“But I’ll miss you.”
“I’m always here. You can talk to me anytime.”
And I somehow understood that there was nothing separating me from my brother. All I had to do was think of him, and he would instantly be there. I thought of Rosalyn and Eugene. My being was filled with love and light as I remembered them, and I felt an overwhelming desire to see them. I hugged Tyler, and we melted into each other like we were one person. “Okay, then, I’ll see you later,” I said.
“A hui ho!”
Next thing I knew, I was sucked back into my body and felt like I awoke from an especially satisfying dream.
“Jax! Wake up!”
I felt completely discombobulated. I was back in the ocean, and the Jet Ski driver and one of the photographer’s concerned faces came in and out of focus as I lay on the sled of the Jet Ski. I felt the cold spray of the water, heard the squalling of the gulls and shielded my eyes from the brightness of the sun. I instantly had a pounding headache, and I could barely move my arms.
�
�Hey, Dennis,” I said, a smile on my face. “I saw Tyler.”
He looked at me quizzically and checked my pupils. He asked all kinds of questions. “Jax, look at me. I need you to answer.”
It turned out that I had been held down by two massive waves. My lips and eyelids were blue, and I started throwing up some green stuff that they later told me was from my liver.
A member of the safety crew and a couple of the other surfers helped me back to the hotel. All of us were trained in water safety and lifeguard training and it was determined that I had nothing more than a concussion. Evidently, I had passed out, but just like Butch, never took a breath. The Jet Ski driver had found me floating facedown and pulled me onto the Jet Ski just in time. I don’t know how long I had lost consciousness but in that other world, time was different. There was no time. Things slowed down and sped up, so what seemed like a long time to me could have been only a second here.
When I got back to the hotel, I didn’t want to talk to anybody, and I didn’t want to eat. I just wanted to sleep. I reflected on my experience, and it was real. I didn’t know if anyone would believe me, and I wasn’t ready to share it with anyone other than Rosalyn. Not then and maybe not ever. It was way too personal. There was no way to prove that I’d seen Tyler, but just as sure as I sat there, the experience was definitely real, more real than anything that had ever happened. My eyes filled with tears of happy emotions as I realized the impact of the event. My brother was okay. His spirit was alive. I knew that with every fiber of my being. And that meant that my parents were okay.
If I was going to have a relationship with Rosalyn, then that meant no lies. No lies about my past and the male escort business, no lies about what had happened on my big wave wipeout at Todos Santos.
I knew she wasn’t going to be thrilled, but I finally picked up the phone to call her.
“Hey baby. How were the waves?” she said.
“Hi sweetheart. First I want to know how you’re feeling.”
“Oh you know, more broccoli juice. And missing you. Everything okay?”
“Things are fantastic. Rosalyn, I have something to tell you … I saw Tyler.”
“What? What are you talking about?”
“Don’t get upset.”
“Why would I get upset? What’s wrong?”
“Well … I wiped out pretty bad—”
“What!” she shrieked. “Oh my God, are you okay? Are you hurt? What happened?”
I could hear Rosalyn softly crying, and I wanted to embrace her. “I’m fine. I just took off on a wave I shouldn’t have and—”
“No! You have to get back to me. I have to see you for myself. What happened?”
“I took off on this wave, and Rosalyn, I have the most amazing story to tell you.” And I told her the whole story while she listened, her silence punctuated by small sobs. By the end of my story, which I didn’t expect anyone to believe, she was crying and barely able to talk. “You believe me, don’t you? I saw Tyler.”
Her voice was hoarse. “Oh baby, of course I believe you.” She chuckled. “Of all the people to ask? Of course I believe you.” Rosalyn’s breath was ragged. “When will you be back?”
“In the morning.”
Her voice was practically a shriek. “I can’t wait that long! I have to see you right now.” She let out a moan. “Oh God, I can’t lose you.”
“It’s late, you’ll be fine, and I’ll see you early—”
“I can’t even. Oh, my God, where’s my bong?” Rosalyn began to giggle uncontrollably. “You saw Tyler; you almost drowned.” She dissolved into giggles.
Rosalyn needed to get a grip. “Rosalyn! Listen to me. We both need a good night’s sleep. I promise I’ll be back at first light.” I really did need to recover, and there was no point in making my way through the drunken streets of Tijuana until morning. “Roz, I’m fine. We’ll be together in a few hours. Just relax, drink some of that great juice, and maybe get another enema.” I tried to lighten things up. “You want me to give you one when I see you?”
Her giggling subsided. “Promise?”
“Promise.”
Her voice was tentative. “I don’t know how much I’ll sleep tonight. Get back here as soon as it’s light out.”
I clutched my sore head. “Roz, are you going to be okay?”
“Oh honey, I’ll survive the night.” She took a deep breath and exhaled into the phone. “I’m going to send you positive vibrations after we hang up the phone. I even packed some of my crystals. I’ll do a healing ceremony.”
I was supposed to be the one taking care of her. We spoke for a few more minutes and finally hung up.
I walked into the bathroom. My wetsuit, booties, and malfunctioning flotation vest were lying in a heap in the bathtub. Next to them was my Love Bone T-shirt. I picked it up and held it to my face, and I swear I felt an electric shock followed by a vision of my brother’s smiling face. I gently rinsed the T-shirt in the sink and hung it to dry.
I had come within seconds of dying. But I had seen Tyler.
* * *
I returned to the Trinity Clinic and found Rosalyn waiting for me in the reception area. When she saw me, she ran toward me, her eyes crazed, and started doing an inventory of my body, feeling all over as though she could find broken bones, or maybe she was just checking to see if I was still solid and really and truly there.
“Jax,” Rosalyn said, holding me by the shoulders and looking in my eyes. “Promise me you’ll be careful next time.” She knew there would be a next time because Rosalyn understood that big wave surfing was my passion, my life. “Were you wearing your flotation vest?”
“Yes. But it didn’t work.”
And then she started sobbing uncontrollably. “I can’t lose you,” she choked out in between sobs. I held her close to me as she let the waves of sadness wash through her. She sobbed, and her body shook. I got her a tissue, which she gratefully took to blow her nose.
When she finally looked up at me, her eyes were red, her face streaked with tears. “Jax?”
“What is it?” I soothed, gently pushing her hair away from her face.
“I know I’ve never told you this before, but … I love you.”
My heart expanded with love and passion and the rightness of it all. “I love you too, Rosalyn. You are the only woman I’ve ever felt this way about.” We kissed. It was a passionate kiss that was filled with awe, respect, and the feeling that the two of us were meant to be together. I didn’t want to be with any other woman in the world. Rosalyn was the love of my life.
A few of the Trinity practitioners and the young man with lymphoma saw us and applauded.
Then Rosalyn gave me what sounded like a very well-rehearsed line. She looked me straight in the eye, her lower lip trembling, and said, “I guess we’re going to have to get you back out there on those big waves.”
Rosalyn
When we returned to Pleasure Point, everything felt and looked vibrant. The electric blue ocean pounded the shore, the scent of salt mixed with honeysuckle perfumed the air.
I couldn’t wait to see Eugene. We had coordinated our timing and Nelson’s parents had dropped him off at home. When we pulled into the driveway, there he was, waiting on the front porch. “Mommy!” he yelled as he raced into my waiting arms and hugged me tight. “Mommy, I mean, mom, are you okay?”
My throat tightened as I hugged my son. “Yes, sweetie, I’m fine. Oh, let me look at you.” I held him at arm’s length. “I’ve missed you, baby.” I squeezed his body against mine again, wanting to never let go.
After I unpacked my suitcase, Jax told me to relax and put up my feet while he and Eugene planned dinner. Eugene dashed into the kitchen to make a list of the ingredients for our vegetarian feast—Trinity approved vegan chili, a salad—and for me, an extra large fresh vegetable juice.
I sat on the porch swing and called Carissa to tell her we were home. When she answered, her voice was tender. “How are you feeling Roz? Did those Trinity peopl
e treat you right?”
My bare feet swung in the afternoon breeze. “I’m feeling a lot better than I thought I would. The first week was rough but Jax got me through. I don’t think I could’ve dealt with those detox symptoms without his support.”
“Pretty bad, huh?”
“You don’t want the gory details.” I was determined to remain positive. I didn’t want to remember the awful headaches and nausea. “I’m feeling hopeful.”
Carissa was quiet for a moment. “How are things going with you and Jax?”
I smiled. “You know what he did? He made me the sweetest present.” I told her all about the shadow box.
Carissa practically swooned. “What a considerate thing to do. He actually put that together? Sounds to me like a keeper.”
My heart expanded with happiness. “Guess what? I finally told him I loved him.”
I could practically hear her clap her hands together. “Oh, Rosalyn, that’s great! You deserve something good in life. You think you two will tie the knot?”
The unspoken words were that no one knew how long I’d be around. “I don’t know. We’ll take it one moment at a time.” We fell silent.
I didn’t tell Carissa about what happened to Jax at Todos Santos. When he told me about the wipeout and his NDE, the shock that sliced through me felt like the grim reaper’s sickle. All those years that I thought I didn’t need Jax I had been fooling myself, lying to myself about what we shared. Did it really take almost losing him to make me realize that I couldn’t imagine life without Jax?
Carissa said, “I think it’s sweet the way he’s fallen right into being a dad. I’m so happy this is working out. When do I get to meet him?”
“Whenever you make a trip to Santa Cruz. We’ll be here.” But I didn’t know if that was entirely true. My future was uncertain. I stared out at the ocean. The healing benefits calmed me as I took a deep cleansing breath. I had to remain optimistic. The two people I cared about most in the world were counting on me.
We spoke for a few more minutes and when we hung up, I closed my eyes and sent a prayer of thanks to the Universe for my family and friends.
Pleasure Point: The Complete Series Page 57