“Why don’t you try first, sweetheart. I’m a little busy just now.” I say, trying to tempt him to at least give it a go.
Jesse brushes past me, pinching a grape and popping it into his mouth. “I can do his laces…I can do your laces, Benji,” he says, flicking his attention between the two of us.
I lean in, trying to be subtle. “Benji is in the middle of learning to tie his laces himself.”
“Oh, right.” He pauses briefly, deep in thought. “Have you got any sticky tape? Scotch tape or something?”
“Erm…yeah,” I stutter in confusion before reaching into a draw and handing him some patterned sticky tape used for gift-wrapping.
“Thanks,” he says, winking before he maneuvers himself around the kitchen counter and towards Benji. He sits cross-legged on the floor and takes Benji’s laces in his long fingers. I can’t see very well from here but I think he’s wrapping some tape around one end of each lace.
“It’s much easier when both laces don’t look exactly the same,” he tells Benji.
Jesse ties the laces on the first shoe slowly and explains what he is doing as he is doing it. Benji attempts the second one himself and does a great job. Jesse helps a little but the outcome is a hell of a lot more of a success than any effort of mine. Watching Benji take direction so well from a stranger, a man, my man, leaves me teary-eyed. When they turn to confront my sniffles I blame it on the onions that I’m not chopping.
The sand is warm beneath our feet as we pad through the dunes that lead to the rock pools. The weather is perfect, as is the company, and so far no interrogations have interrupted the day. Jesse has been thoughtful enough to keep some distance between us, so that Benji won’t suspect anything. Our hands skate past each other as we walk side my side and the occasional fleeting touch is enough to leave me giddy. Benjamin skips happily in front, with his little fishing net and bucket.
To anybody watching we must look like any other family. Maybe we could be one day. Jesse is fantastic with Benjamin. I know it’s extremely early to even be thinking long term and I don’t really have anyone to compare him to, but so far things between them couldn’t be better. They seem completely at ease with each other, both full of enthused conversation. To say I’m surprised is an understatement. I didn’t think that their introduction could be this easy. But, I still don’t know what I would say if Benjamin were to ask who Jesse was, or why he was at our house this morning. Maybe he already has an idea but he is just so grateful for some male company that he doesn’t care.
We reach the pools and make ourselves at home, laying out a blanket and removing our shoes before striding over to the water. Benjamin catches two tiny fish in quick succession but he won’t be happy until he catches a crab. I tell him that we can try some more after we’ve had lunch and then I leave them to it.
I start sifting through the food and drink in the chilled picnic bag, opening the Tupperware boxes and fanning out paper plates and napkins onto the blanket.
Glancing up at them both, I’m about to call them over to eat, but I’m caught in a moment. Jesse has his hand around Benji’s shoulders as he balances close to the edge of a large rock. Benji has his net in his hand and they’re both cheering and laughing.
Joy consumes me.
I have never seen Benjamin like this with any man other than my father. I know he gets on great with Emma’s husband, Tom, but it’s not like this. This is so natural, and it means so much more because it is the one person I want him to like more than anyone else in the world.
Turning to look at me, both exhilarated and proud, they lift up the net to show off what I think is a crab.
“Good job!” I cheer, unable to say anything more for fear of my voice breaking. It’s a Kodak moment. My camera! I reach for my camera bag and release my Nikon. Pointing it towards the pair, I notice the crystal clear sky behind them contrasting with the harsh texture of the rocks. The photographer in me wants to concentrate on that, but the mother, and smitten woman in me zooms in on my family for the day and clicks repeatedly.
Noticing that he is being spied on, Jesse leaves Benjamin hypnotized by his catch and saunters over. He stops just shy of the blanket and looks down at me. Fisting his hands at his hips, his stance portrays mock anger.
“Do I have to worry about you selling these to the press?” he scolds, trying to feign authority, but his goofy grin sullying his attempt.
“Depends on how much you’re willing to pay for their rights.” I wink, placing the camera back in my bag. He sits next to me and picks up a ham salad sandwich before offering it to me.
“Half a sandwich?”
He nudges my shoulder with his, teasing me with his offer. I pretend to weigh up my options before nodding. Tearing the sandwich in half he winks before handing it to me.
“Benjamin’s a great kid.”
“I know.” I glance up to see Benji still watching his bucket intently.
“He’s so much like you.” His smile is nostalgic and I know he means the old me.
“My mom likes to tell me that, especially when he won’t eat his vegetables or won’t go to bed.”
Smiling in reply, he reaches down and places his hand over mine. Our hand holding is hidden behind us and I have to conceal a giggle. Here we are, approaching twenty-eight and once again covering up our public displays of affection, this time from my son rather than my parents or our teachers.
When I glance at our knotted fingers he explains, “I don’t want to waste any more time not being able to touch you.”
“Then don’t. Time waster.” I smolder. He squeezes my hand in recognition of our in-joke and I can’t deny the grin that breaks out across my face.
“I hope I wasn’t out of line this morning.”
“What do you mean?” I ask.
“Breakfast.” Looking sideways at me, I can tell he’s unsure of the change in topic.
“Breakfast was delicious.” I grin, hoping to ease his concern.
“Well, apparently I didn’t have much to live up to.” He mimics gagging on his sandwich before tossing it aside. I feign offence but he’s smiling too sweetly. “I didn’t mean for it to pan out like it did, though. I was planning on bringing you breakfast in bed, but as soon as I started the stove up I heard him on the stairs.”
“He must have known he was about to get a good meal for once.” I joke and he smiles warmly. “Was he okay? I hate to think what he must have thought. I haven’t exactly had anyone over for a sleepover before,” I say, my free hand gesturing quotation marks at the word ‘sleepover’.
“I’m glad to hear it,” he responds, his sun-brightened eyes widening. “He was fine. Asked me who I was, I told him. Then he asked me what I was doing there and I told him that you had invited me over to cook breakfast for you both. That was it. Easily sold.”
I exhale heavily, physically letting go of a worry that has plagued me all morning.
“Thank you. I wouldn’t have known what to say…I still don’t.”
“Mickey,” he shifts position, letting go of my hand and shuffling to sit a little further away. When I look up I realize that Benjamin is skipping towards us, bucket in hand. Jesse leans in, speaking softly, “I’m in this for the long haul, believe me, but there is no reason to define us to anyone, especially not Benjamin. If he asks about us then don’t lie, but don’t feel like you need to pander to my feelings. I’ll go along with whatever you want to tell him.”
Before I can reply Benjamin is with us and already rummaging through the containers of food. I mouth “thank you” to Jesse and he brushes me off with a relaxed smile.
“Jesse, you won’t believe me. Look in the bucket.” Benjamin says smugly.
“What is it? Did you catch something else?” Jesse gets up onto his knees and peers into the bucket.
“Nope, look. There’s no fish!” Benji’s wide, animated eyes now look into the bucket too.
“Where did they go?” Jesse asks, mirroring Benji’s enthusiasm.
�
��The crab ate them! I watched it happen! It was so cool!” He sits back down next to me but he’s visibly excited.
“Ah, man, you should’ve shouted me. I would’ve loved to have seen that!” He shuffles back into his previous position.
“Nah, you and Mom were holding hands.” We both look at him. Mouths slightly open. I search for words to explain but my brain comes up empty. “Are you two best friends?” Benji asks.
He remembered.
“The bestest,” Jesse declares. He doesn’t understand why Benjamin would choose to think of us that way, but I guess it doesn’t matter. It fits perfectly.
Chapter 15
My mom’s stood on the porch when we arrive. She looks so small, like a doll in her big toy house, and yet I’m drawn to her presence. I called her this morning and warned her that we were bringing a guest for our Sunday dinner. I didn’t tell her who and she didn’t ask. I expect she had her suspicions, and seeing us pull into the long drive in a flashy black Mustang has just confirmed them. She disappears into the house before we’ve even come to a stop.
I notice Joanna’s car is parked next to us. Two Sundays in a row, Joanna, you excel yourself. You’re also completely transparent.
I haven’t truly felt nervous until now. Benjamin’s well documented joy at riding in what he now refers to as the Batmobile, has been a good distraction on the way here. He didn’t question Jesse’s returning presence this morning. He was more than happy to be cooked for again and they sat watching cartoons together after breakfast. I was able to enjoy a long shower and even managed a hushed phone call to Emma, enlightening her with this weekend’s turn of events. She was as enthusiastic as ever and it was exactly what I needed, knowing the welcoming that would be waiting for us at my parents.
Jesse has been putting on a brave front. To any fleeting eye he appears cool, calm and collected, but I know him better. I notice the tucking of his imaginary hair behind his ear, the fact that he’s been to the bathroom four times this morning when he’s only had one cup of coffee, and I’m super aware that he hasn’t left my side since breakfast.
Looking a million miles away from the boy who left here so many years ago, deceivably strong and together, he’s wearing dark jeans and a grey cashmere sweater. This was chosen after I’d stopped him from dressing in a suit. His face is clean shaven and his hair has been artistically styled. On seeing Jesse’s effort I reassessed mine and Benji’s, opting for similar looks. Now, I worry that we look as though we’re trying too hard.
As we walk up the steps together I notice that we’re in a perfect line, a solid unit. I wonder whether Benjamin is aware of the importance of today’s gathering. I suppose he just wants to show off his new friend, and so do I, if given the chance.
Ordinarily I’d never be apprehensive about introducing someone to my family. They are warm, friendly people who love good company. But, when that particular someone is the reason for their loved one’s past heartache, I imagine it won’t be smooth sailing.
The house is unsettlingly quiet. I normally follow the voices to find which room the family is in, but they give no clues today. I walk us through to the kitchen and there they all are. My father and Joanna stood either side of my mother who is brutally mashing potatoes. They look up at once. We’ve clearly interrupted a private conversation. Benjamin hurries over and safely acquires all of their attention. I raise my hand to softly stroke Jesse’s back. I want so much to wrap my arms around him, to shield him from this frosty welcome, but he seems unperturbed. He has his game face on.
Finally, my father saunters over. He looks awkward, but not hostile, thankfully. He’s a large man but not particularly intimidating, unless perhaps you’re the boy who broke his daughters heart.
“Michaela,” he kisses my cheek, far too formally for my liking, and then turns to Jesse, offering him a hand, “Jesse, nice to see you again.”
“You too, sir. It’s been too long.”
They shake hands before both men tuck them firmly back into their pockets.
Joanna finishes her conversation with Benjamin, something about sand dunes, and then she makes her way over to us both.
“Hi.” She keeps her distance, but smiles briefly. “Long time no see.”
“Yes, how are you, Joanna?”
“Apprehensive.” Her look is as cold as her words.
“Jo,” I interject.
“That’s okay,” Jesse submits. “The feeling is completely mutual, Joanna.”
Spared of further coldness, Jesse is pulled away by Benjamin wanting to show him the house. Little does he know that Jesse’s been here many times before, albeit years ago, and rarely through the front door. As he passes through to the dining area he pauses in front of my mother, who is still preparing dinner.
“Julia, how are you?” He’s so sincere and charming that I think I can see a chink in my mom’s opposition.
“I’m well, thank you. Yourself?” She smiles, but it barely touches her eyes.
“Better than I’ve been in a very long time, thank you.” He smiles, genuinely, before Benji finally manages to pull him away.
With Jesse absent I want to scream at them all to try harder, but the best I can manage is a dramatic roll of my eyes.
“What?” Mom asks, feigning innocence.
“Please, just be nice.” My voice is low and I’ve stepped closer to the three of them. “This isn’t easy for either of us. The least you could do is try and be pleasant.”
“I can’t pretend that I don’t already have opinions on him, Michaela. He isn’t a stranger. I know the damage he has done and can do again.”
I’m shocked, frozen to the spot as I digest what my mom has said. I didn’t expect her to unleash her feelings so soon or so honestly. But, just like that, she’s back mashing the life out of the potatoes.
“Fine.” I’m unable to retaliate further. All three of them are glaring at me and I feel myself losing the battle. All I can hope is that they’re at least polite throughout dinner and that we can leave as soon as possible. I can’t conceive a better outcome than that.
Dinner is delicious, and although she would never admit it I can tell that my mom has tried harder than usual. Not that her cooking isn’t always delectable, but there’s extra trimmings and additional choices of homemade gravy’s and sauces. Food is laid out on the good china and Dad has even opened a bottle of wine for us all.
Benjamin has told the table repeatedly about yesterday at the sand dunes and how Jesse helped him catch a huge crab. I’m almost oblivious to the reservations of the room as I lose myself in Benji’s animated storytelling. Jesse encourages him to the point where the crab has now morphed into one of gigantic proportions. I sense that Jesse feels at ease when he’s conversing with Benjamin. He has nothing to prove to him and can simply enjoy the exchange.
My parents are amiable enough but Joanna’s guard is still up. She’s barely involved herself in the dialogue and when the food is finished with she busies herself clearing the table. Jesse offers to wash dishes but my mother won’t have it, so instead, I walk us out to the front porch. Sitting next to each other on the steps, I rest my head on his shoulder, finally able to take pleasure in some physical contact with him.
“Is this as excruciating for you as it is for me?” I ask.
“It’s no worse than I expected,” he mutters, his head resting on mine. “You can’t blame them, sweets.”
I lift my head and stare at him, surprised. “You think this is an acceptable way to treat a guest?”
“From a family that’s concerned for their daughter to a guy who ran out on her? Yeah, it’s perfectly acceptable.” My head tilts to the side and my eyes tense, but his face remains relaxed as he explains further. “Imagine if someone ran out on Benjamin and then turned up again years later, looking for a second chance. Would you be as forgiving as you expect them to be?”
I sigh in resignation. The thought of anyone putting Benji through what I endured causes a lump to rise in my throat. I roll
my eyes in submission and place my head back on his shoulder. Jesse takes my hand and brushes my knuckles over his soft lips.
“Did I just silence you? Did I win an argument?” he asks, cockily.
“Don’t spoil it.” I glance sideways at him, trying to appear scornful. Whether I succeed or not, he doesn’t push it.
We watch the sky fade to orange as the sun lowers in the sky, beginning its slow farewell to this taxing day. I relax into Jesse’s shoulder and squeeze his hand in appreciation of his efforts. I couldn’t have asked for more from him. Despite my family’s obvious hesitation towards us as a couple, he has behaved like a complete gentleman. I can only hope that my family follows his lead and that if things progress with Jesse then a mutual amity can eventually be reached.
Soaring through the sweet silence and tearing our bodies apart, Benjamin explodes through the front door and between us. He runs down the steps before turning to beckon Jesse.
“Jesse, will you play soccer with me? My mom sucks and Grandpa’s too slow.” He pouts, holding the ball with both of his tiny hands.
“Hmm, I don’t know. I’m pretty good. I’m not sure you’ll be able to keep up with me.” Benjamin’s face lights up at the proposed competition as Jesse skips down the steps. He takes the ball from him and jogs away with Benjamin close behind.
I’d normally insist on playing too, but I can’t tear myself away from another little moment playing out before me. I enjoy watching them play, it’s effortless. It makes me so happy to see Benjamin interact with him like this, but at the same time I have to fight the heartache that he has gone without it for so long. He should always have had this connection with someone.
I’m undisturbed for all of two minutes before I hear the door creak behind me. I turn and glance up to see my mom. Her eyes aren’t on me, but on Jesse and Benji as she stares reflectively upon the scene. She sees what I see, and she can’t deny that it pleases her.
“Mom.” I stand up and wander to her side, linking my arm through hers.
“Benjamin seems so happy,” she sighs, her hand holding my arm tenderly.
Forget Me Not Page 14