“Aydan, I know you have commitment issues-”
I sprang to my feet. “For chrissake, I don’t have ‘commitment issues’! I was married twice! Been there, done that! Not wanting to do it again does not mean I have ‘commitment issues’, it just means I don’t fucking want to do it again!”
Muscles rippled in his jaw, but when he spoke his voice was even. “I didn’t mean to imply the problem lay with you or even that there is a problem. I just wanted to point out that I don’t happen to share your low opinion of committed relationships, and for reasons that escape me at the moment, my time with you was worth the risk. Is still worth the risk.”
“And you’re just going to go ahead and risk everything, aren’t you? Whisper ‘I love you’ in the middle of my office-”
“You were about to explode. I needed some shock value to-”
“Right in front of Stemp! Oh, smooth! Really smooth!” With a supreme effort, I managed not to kick the sofa. “If you hadn’t done that, I wouldn’t have been thinking about screwing your brains out…” I faltered. Re-focus. “…and the only thing Spider would have seen in my mind was my worry about him instead of mental pictures of you naked…”
Goddammit, that wasn’t helping.
I was trying to reorganize my thoughts into a coherent argument when Kane rose with that fluid motion that never failed to raise my temperature. He crossed the space between us, moving so close his body heat threatened to melt my resolve. His big hand cupped my jaw, tilting my face up to meet his hungry gaze.
“Tell me more about how you were imagining me naked.” His sexy rumble stole my breath.
God, now it wasn’t only my resolve that was liquefying.
I pulled away before I could do anything stupid. Well, stupider than remembering Kane’s magnificent nakedness while his broad shoulders loomed over me, his bulging biceps stretching the sleeves of that snug black T-shirt...
I stumbled back another step and drew a shaky breath. “That’s not the point. The point is, I’m not willing to risk losing you, and it’s not fair for you to-” I snapped my mouth shut when I realized what I’d said.
He grinned and stepped closer.
I backed away, fetching up against the wall with a bump. “You really need to leave now.”
He closed the gap again and planted his hands on the wall on either side of my shoulders, his hot gaze setting fire to my cheeks. My lips parted involuntarily, gasping a shallow breath as he leaned closer.
Trapped.
I trembled between the need to run screaming and the urge to rip his clothes off. Or both, not necessarily in that order.
Kane smiled down at me. “You’re probably right.” His voice caressed me like a lover’s hands.
Like his hands had caressed me.
I jerked the hot memories to heel as he continued. “But when you finally admit to yourself that you want me, you’ll beg me to stay.” His smouldering gaze ignited places I’d thought couldn’t get any hotter. “And you know how good it will be.”
I summoned the last vestiges of my self-control for a light tone that might have been more convincing if I hadn’t preceded it with a gulp. “Modest, self-effacing fellow, aren’t you?”
He stepped back, his wicked grin a vivid reminder of all the mind-blowing pleasure he could deliver. “No. Not at all.”
I sucked in some air. “Well, um… thanks for everything. You really need to leave before the analysts get suspicious.” My voice was slightly strangled by my heart, which had apparently decided to migrate up to my throat.
His grin dissolved into annoyance. “Aydan-”
“John, please! Just go. I’m fine. I’ve had sedation before and I didn’t react to it. If I was going to have a reaction, I’m sure it would have happened while I was half-freezing or half-drowning, and anyway I promise I’m not going to do anything more dangerous than puttering around the house tonight. But it’s dangerous for you to be here too long, and…”
I flung up a silencing hand when he tried to speak again. “Don’t tell me it’s worth the risk! You won’t think that when you’re rotting in jail with your entire career in ruins! You won’t think that when you get out and the only job you can get is flipping burgers because nobody will hire a guy with a prison record-”
“Don’t tell me what I’ll think or feel!” Kane towered over me, his sheer physical presence making my voice shrivel in my throat. He glowered down at me. “I’ll decide what constitutes acceptable risk for me.”
My faulty emotional wiring translated fear and frustration into anger in a eyeblink and I shoved him hard, his chest like rock under my hands. “Don’t pull that dominant-male shit on me! You think I’m just going to fall into your arms and bat my big helpless eyes and say ‘yes, dear’ because that’s the way you say it should be? Fuck that! I’ve got news for you, Buster-”
“Dammit, Aydan, you know I’m not…” He bit off his words and took a step back, his body easing into his deceptively relaxed combat stance. When he spoke again, his voice was calm. “I know what you’re trying to do, and I’m not going to let you drag me into some childish fight just so you can drive me away. Look me in the eye and tell me you don’t love me. Tell me you don’t want me, and I’ll walk away right now. Otherwise, stop trying to make my decisions for me.”
I stared up at him.
If I lied to him now, he’d be safe. Safe from the consequences of deceiving his chain of command, and safe from the pain I’d inevitably cause him.
His steady grey gaze held me speechless.
Do right thing, not the honest thing. Just say the words.
Say it, dammit.
“I…” My throat closed and I cleared it to try again. “I don’t…”
He stood silently watching.
I sagged in defeat. “For shit’s sake, John, this is stupid. You already know how I feel about you, and you know the reasons why I won’t take it any farther.”
“I know.” His voice was level. “And in case you haven’t noticed, I’m not exactly down on bended knee offering you a ring and a future. Even if I thought you wanted that, it’s not something I can offer. So why don’t you get over your irrational fear of…”
He broke off and took a deep breath. “Sorry. I know you have your reasons. But ‘I love you’ is not a threat or a demand. Why can’t you accept that?”
“I…” I gulped down the lump in my throat. “I’m sorry, I just… You’re right, I overreacted.” I shot a guilty glance at his scratched hands. “To everything. I’m sorry.”
He reached for my hand and held it gently. “You don’t need to apologize. You’re dealing with a lot right now. I know how tough it is to go back after a bad mission.”
Goddamn sympathy. I swallowed hard and blinked away the prickling behind my eyes, raising my chin and trying for rueful humour. “’Bad’ is a tactful way to put it. More like ‘gong show’. I did everything wrong from start to finish, you and Lola nearly died…”
My throat closed.
Not so humorous after all.
“It wasn’t your fault, Aydan. Sometimes ops go bad. It’s just the way it is. Try to let it go.”
I drew a shaky breath and straightened my spine. “I know. Thanks. I’m fine.”
“Aydan, it’s all right if you’re not fine.” He dropped his gaze to our clasped hands. When he spoke a moment later, his voice was very quiet. “After I got shot the first time, I… didn’t know if I could come back. Physically or mentally.”
I squeezed his hand, remembering the small scar on his chest and the puckered devastation that marked the bullet’s exit from his back. Another fraction of an inch...
“I did a lot of soul-searching in those first couple of months when I was too weak to do much of anything,” he continued. “After I’d rebuilt my strength, I made the decision to come back, but even though I was physically ready for my first mission afterward, I know what you’re dealing with mentally.” He met my eyes. “You don’t have to do it, Aydan. After what you�
�ve been through, nobody will disrespect you if you bow out.”
“Except me.” I gave him a twisted smile. “And Stemp.”
“Stemp will push you until you break. Ignore him.”
“I can’t. I’m the only one who can do this.”
Kane’s fingertips brushed my cheek as he stroked a strand of hair away from my face. “We have other agents, and we’ll get other chances to take Fuzzy Bunny down. You can walk away right now.”
I met his gaze squarely. “Would you? Walk away?”
We locked eyes for a long moment before he sighed. “No. I didn’t really expect you to, either.” His eyes were sad above the small smile he gave me.
My hand flew up to caress his cheek before I could stop it. A rush of memories and emotion made me jerk back, breaking our contact. “What about you?” I asked hurriedly. “How are you dealing with coming back after getting shot this time?”
He moved as if to recapture my touch, but locked his hands behind his back and stood at parade rest instead. “I’m fine.” His expression was unreadable.
“Physically fine.” I searched his face. “But that’s not what I’m asking.”
He shrugged, an easy gesture I’d seen him fake convincingly even under intense stress. “I made my peace with mortality a long time ago, and recovery was a lot easier this time. It wasn’t a major injury.” His lips twisted. “Everything takes a little longer to heal than it used to, though.”
I gave up and let him evade the question. “No kidding. But you’re in such great shape, nobody would ever believe you’re turning forty-nine in April.”
Don’t think about his shape. I yanked my gaze above his chin, only to find myself admiring the frosting of silver in the short dark hair at his temples. And those sexy laugh lines around his eyes. Yum.
His brows snapped together. “How did you know when my birthday is?”
I dragged my mind back to the conversation at hand. “The first time we discovered I could access the Sirius network, you had me read your personnel file as a test.” I shifted under his intense scrutiny and shrugged. “I’m a bookkeeper. Numbers stick in my mind.”
His gaze probed deeper. “I’ve always known you had an excellent memory for detail, but I’m beginning to wonder if you’re hiding a memory like Hellhound’s.”
I laughed. “I wish. No, I’m pretty sure Arnie’s photographic memory is one of a kind.”
His expression eased, but the crease between his eyebrows remained. “Still, it makes me wonder what else you know that I don’t even realize I’ve revealed. No wonder you were upset at the thought of someone reading your mind.” I shivered involuntarily, and he gripped my shoulders with both hands, holding my gaze. “It’ll be all right, Aydan. Let it go.”
“I know.” I stepped back before I could fling myself into his arms and beg him to make it all better. “Thanks.”
Standing locked in each other’s eyes, the silence stretched.
Kane blew out a long breath. “Aydan…” He hesitated, his gaze searching my face for a long moment before he turned away. “Never mind. I’ll go now. Call me if you need anything.”
When the door closed behind him, the house felt cold and empty.
Chapter 9
Freed from Kane’s distracting presence, my worry returned full force. I paced back and forth in the silent living room, groaning and muttering imprecations like a madwoman.
Was Stemp still questioning Sam? What had he learned? Was Kane safely at home, or had he been arrested already, carted off to jail while I vibrated uselessly around my house?
And just in case that wasn’t enough to raise my blood pressure, what the hell was I supposed to do about my ‘standard physical qualification’ in the morning?
I had no doubt I’d fail it. Super-fit guys like Kane and Germain could probably do it in their sleep, but all I did was pump some iron and run. Christ, I was forty-seven years old. Most women were expecting their first grandchildren at my age, not toting guns and doing spy-fitness tests.
Hounded by my yammering fears, I finally fled to my heated garage where I tinkered ineffectually with my half-restored ’53 Chevy until bedtime.
After a fitful sleep disturbed by nightmares, I hauled myself through the shower and out to the kitchen in the morning, wondering if Kane was still a free man. When my phone rang at seven-thirty, I started so violently that my spoonful of cereal landed with a splat on the table. Swearing, I hurried to check the call display.
Private number.
I hovered beside the phone, my nerves strung tight while I waited for the message to play. A few moments later, Kane’s voice spoke. “Hi Aydan, it’s John-”
I snatched up the receiver and squeaked, “Hi.” I cleared my throat and tried again. “Are you, um…”
“I’ll swing by and pick you up around eight, if that’s all right. I want to do some warm-ups before the test, and I thought you probably would, too.”
“Oh, uh, yeah…” My tired brain registered that my car was still parked in the lot at Sirius Dynamics. I could have driven my truck, but then I’d have two vehicles in town…
I yanked my mind back to the conversation. “Um, great, thanks. See you then.”
I returned to my soggy cereal, but it had lost what little appeal it once had. I dumped it down the garbage disposal and went to pack some gym clothes that would be suitable for abject failure.
Perched in Kane’s passenger seat, I waited until he put the SUV in gear before broaching my question. “What will we be doing this morning?”
“What do you mean?” He pulled out onto the road, snow squeaking under the tires.
“I mean, what does this qualification involve?”
He shot me a quizzical look. “You mean you’ve never done a qualification?”
“No! I’m just a bookkeeper.”
He blew out an impatient breath. “Aydan, I understand how important it is to maintain your cover, but I really wish you’d drop it when we’re alone together.”
“John, please!” I squeezed my hands between my knees to keep from waving my arms and shouting. “Could you please just tell me?”
“Fine.” He scowled at the road. “The first part is six laps around an obstacle course. There are some jumps and stairs and a controlled fall on each lap. Right after that we do the push-pull, seventy pounds six times each, with some controlled falls in between. We have four minutes for that. Then we do the eighty-pound weight carry.”
I swallowed a large lump of nervousness. “How long do we have for the obstacle course?”
He shot me an irritable glance. “Four minutes total. For the obstacle course and the push-pull.”
“For both?” The squeak was back in my voice. “How long is the obstacle course?”
“About 350 metres.”
A tremor joined the squeak. “That’s almost a quarter-mile.”
He pulled to a stop at the highway and turned to face me, his frown softening. “Aydan, what’s wrong? Are you nervous about this?”
I held out my hand to display its tremor. “Christ, what gave me away? I hope your seat covers are waterproof, because I’m about to pee my pants.”
He chuckled and pulled onto the highway. “Don’t worry, I’ve seen you work out. I know how strong you are. You won’t have any trouble.”
“Easy for you to say.”
Inside Sirius’s cramped time-delay chamber, Kane flattened himself against the opposite wall to give me space and eyed me with concern. “This is what you were really worried about, isn’t it?”
“No,” I gritted. “If I’d known the tests were going to be underground in the secured area, I’d have just passed out on the spot and saved myself the stress.” I glanced at my wristwatch for the third time in fifteen seconds and made an attempt to ease my clenched jaw.
At last the secondary lock released and I lunged for the door. As usual, the narrow concrete stairwell made my heart leap in reflexive terror. My knuckles popped and I eased my deathgrip on my gym bag,
wincing at the tingle of returning blood.
Breathe. In. Out. Slow like ocean waves.
I almost succeeded in stifling a small moan.
“Aydan? Are you all right?”
“Fine.” I tottered down the stairs as rapidly as my shaking legs would permit and yanked open the door at the bottom.
Resisting the urge to press myself against the wall with my eyes closed until my heart rate stabilized, I gave Kane what I hoped was a casual smile. “Which way?”
“Left. Do you need a minute?”
“No, I’m fine. Lead on.”
After a moment of scrutiny, he turned and headed down the long white corridor. I followed his broad shoulders, grateful for the momentary semblance of privacy.
Fresh air. There was lots of nice fresh air down here. I could breathe. I wasn’t trapped. I could get out. Nothing bad was happening…
I licked dry lips, my tongue feeling too big for my mouth.
Ocean waves. In. Out. Ocean waves.
Near the end of the corridor, Kane opened a door and waved me forward. The open space and high ceiling of a full-sized gymnasium made me draw an involuntary breath of relief, slightly compromised by the sight of the stairs, barricades, mats, and traffic cones of the obstacle course.
A clean-shaven Germain called a cheerful good morning from the other side of the gym. I returned the greeting abstractedly as he carried a large sack over and swung it to the floor, his apparent effortlessness belied by the flex of the impressive muscles revealed by his gym shorts and T-shirt.
Shit, if that was the ‘weight carry’, I was doomed. I turned to study the obstacle course. Hell, who was I kidding? I was doomed before I ever got to the carry.
I sighed and headed for the change room.
Kane did the test first, easily running and vaulting through the obstacle course and manipulating the push-pull apparatus as if it was weightless. The eighty-pound sack looked like a beanbag when he hoisted it smoothly atop his shoulder and ran the fifty-foot distance. He and Germain whooped and high-fived at his time, under four minutes including the carry.
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