“No.”
“I know you can,” he prodded. “And after what I did to you, I deserve it. Go ahead. Hit me.”
I scanned him, my raw nerves quivering under the strain. Edgy energy sizzled in the tautness of his muscles, his eyes blazing with grey fire.
He could destroy me with a single blow. I could destroy him with a few words. We could annihilate each other, leaving nothing but smoking ruins long before the plane crashed into the ground.
“I’ve got a better idea.” My words came out low and breathless. I stepped forward and pulled him into a hard kiss.
He reacted instantly, yanking me against him and crushing my lips with his. My unspent adrenaline ignited in a firestorm of lust. Fumbling with the button on his pants, I body-pushed him in the direction of the bedroom.
His hands locked onto my shoulders and he held me at arm’s length. “No.” His voice trembled, his eyes dilated almost black. “No, I’m not going to do this again.”
I gripped his arms. “Shut up and fuck me.”
“Aydan.” He squeezed his eyes shut before opening them again to look into my face. “It wasn’t good for you last time when you didn’t even know anything was wrong. I’m not going to use you now when I know you can’t enjoy it-”
“I knew damn well something was wrong,” I snapped. “At least now I know you want me, not Yana. And the only alternative is for me to punch you, and I damn sure won’t get an orgasm from that. So what have I got to lose?”
“Aydan, we’ve only got half an hour-”
“Give me five minutes.”
“You’re…” His grip on my shoulders softened, his lips quirking up. “Really? We’re about to die in a plane crash and all you can think of is, you need to get laid?”
I growled and captured his lips.
Locked together, we stumbled into the bedroom. His tongue met mine, pressing into my mouth as if he couldn’t wait to be inside me. I caught my breath as he pulled me one-handed against his growing hardness, his other hand slipping under my top to unhook my bra.
I unfastened my jeans, shoving them down as he transferred his grip to the front of my bra. Raising my arms, I let him pull off both T-shirt and bra in a single smooth motion.
Spider’s precious velvet pouch fell, and I pulled away and knelt to scoop it up.
“Oh, don’t tempt me,” Kane growled. He fell to his knees behind me, his jeans rough against my ass while his hands found my breasts.
I gasped and ground against the hard ridge behind me as he rolled my nipples between his fingertips, sending electricity sizzling down to melt in the heat between my legs.
“Oh, God, John…” I reached behind me, fumbling backward at the button on his jeans.
“Wait.”
When he pulled away and stood I let out a desperate whimper, my body aching with the hunger for him. I turned, kneeling in front of him, and his eyes went black with desire. I reached for his zipper but he backed away, breathing hard.
“Dammit, Aydan, I don’t have another condom.”
“I don’t give a shit. We might be dead in an hour.”
His fists clenched. “But we might not be.”
I dragged myself to my feet, trembling with adrenaline and need. “John, please…”
“Check the bedside table,” he rasped. “I can’t… can’t get close to you or I’ll…”
I was already ransacking the drawers. “Thank God!”
I had barely turned, box in hand, when his arms were around me again. I tossed the box on the bed and pulled his shirt off, revelling in the hard planes of his massive chest and corrugated midsection.
He kissed me again, pressing my lips open, his hand cupping my breast before his mouth moved down to close over my begging nipple.
I cried out, my body hypersensitive with adrenaline. The hot need coiled up inside me and my fingertips tracked the landing strip of hair below his navel, finding his zipper to free another enormous erection.
I backed toward the bed and pulled him down with me. When I wrapped my hand around his length, he sucked in a sharp breath before gently staying my hand.
“Not this time,” he rumbled. “This time it’s your turn.”
He kissed his way down my body, lifting my leg over his broad shoulder. His five o’clock shadow rasped against the inside of my thigh, an electric jolt of sensation. I moaned and shivered as his hot breath caressed me.
The first delicate touch of his tongue slammed shock waves through my body and I strained up to him in helpless supplication. His hands locked around my hips, holding me while his strokes grew stronger until the world contracted to nothing but his hot mouth and the sound of my rising moans.
Then the glorious waves claimed me and I bucked helplessly against the pillows, the spasms shaking me again and again until at last I lay limp and panting.
His rumble vibrated against my skin as he paved a trail of kisses back up my body. “That’s more like it.”
“John…” My voice was a breathless whisper, my eyes still half-closed. “I need you… inside me… Oh, please, now…”
He rolled on the condom and paused, devouring me with hot eyes.
I didn’t wait.
Pushing him onto his back, I swung astride and slid onto him without hesitation, knowing I was ready to take him as deep as he wanted to go.
He gasped as I rocked into motion, the exquisite tension building inside me already. His body matched my rhythm, meeting me to drive deeper, pushing me closer to the brink.
I arched back to ride him hard, searching for that perfect place, letting my heat spiral higher…
“Aydan…” His voice was a rough whisper. “I… need… can I…?”
I looked down into his voracious eyes. “Ohmigod, yes!”
His arms closed around me, his body twisting beneath me, and in a moment I was on my back. As he slid into me again, I wrapped my legs around him, greedy for every ounce of sensation. He groaned and slowed his rhythm to deep, powerful thrusts that drove me higher and higher, my muscles tensing around him.
“Oh… God… John… please… yes…” My words tumbled out between gasps, my entire being caught up in the blazing whirlwind.
An inarticulate cry wrenched from his lips, and he drove home again and again until the explosion of orgasm shattered me into brilliant shards of ecstasy. Locked in his arms, my climax spiralled still higher while he reached his own release with a few more hard thrusts, his body straining into me for long moments before slackening at last.
He collapsed and we lay panting, limp arms and legs tangled together in sweaty sheets. Eventually I regained enough breath to gasp, “That might have been a little more than five minutes.”
Kane’s lips turned up against my cheek and he chuckled. “Not by much.” He rolled over and cuddled me close.
I tucked my head into the hollow of his shoulder, wrapping an arm around him. “God, you have no idea how much I needed that. Thank you.”
If we hadn’t been entwined, I might not have noticed the slight stiffening of his shoulders. His voice came out as relaxed as ever. “My pleasure. Literally.”
I rolled up on my elbow to look down into his face. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing.” He reached up to kiss me gently. “You blew my mind. As always.” He reached over to the bedside table and dangled the little velvet pouch above his chest. “Are you going to tell me what this is? I noticed you carefully put it on the table the last time you got undressed, too.”
I appropriated the small sack and smirked at him. “It’s a secret.”
He grinned. “Lucky I’m a spy. It’s a ring, isn’t it?”
I sobered, the weight of responsibility crushing me down to his chest with a long sigh. “Yes.”
“An important ring.” He stroked my tangled hair back from my face, eyeing me seriously.
“Yes.” I laid my cheek on his chest. “Spider bought it for Linda. For a Christmas engagement. And he begged me to carry it with me. But now…”
>
The warm lassitude evaporated from my body, and I pulled away from Kane’s embrace and got out of bed to retrieve my clothes.
“Come back to bed. We’ve still got time.” His warm baritone rolled over me like a velvet wave of seduction, and I hesitated.
He smiled, irresistible laugh lines crinkling around his eyes, his chiselled body and tousled hair making him look like an earthbound angel from a delightfully naughty heaven.
But the small bag weighed in my hand like a sinking heart.
I sighed and pulled on my underwear, tucking the ring back into my bra.
“It’s always going to be like this with you, isn’t it?”
The resignation in his voice made me stop with my pants halfway up my legs to look at him.
“This…” He gestured to the tangled sheets. “It doesn’t mean anything to you. It’s just another way to blow off steam. And then it’s ‘thanks for a good time’, and you get dressed and walk away. Right back to Arnie.”
I yanked my pants up. “I’m not going to have this conversation. In case you forgot, we’re in a bit of a fix here and in another fifteen minutes or so we have to be in the cockpit.”
He rolled to his feet and disposed of the condom before pulling on his underwear. “I haven’t forgotten.” He reached for his pants. “I’m just saying…”
“Just don’t, okay?” I pulled on my sweatshirt and secured my waist pouch around my hips.
He froze, his shirt bunched in a white-knuckled fist. “Dammit, Aydan, if not now, then when? We might have less than an hour to live. Can you please just take a few minutes to be completely honest? For once?”
“I’ve always been honest with you,” I snapped.
He stood for a moment as if carved from stone before slowly pulling on his shirt. “Then how about being honest with yourself?”
“What the hell is that supposed to mean?”
“In the hospital, you kissed Hellhound as if nothing else mattered. When I got there the next morning, you were asleep in each other’s arms as though there was no safer place in the world. You won’t even stay in bed with me for five minutes, let alone sleep in my arms. When are you going to admit you’re in love with him?”
I clutched a couple of handfuls of hair. “I can’t believe we’re having this conversation again. Look. I’m going to say this once more, slowly, and hope you get it this time. Arnie is completely fucked up. I am completely fucked up.”
Kane shook his head, opening his mouth to speak, but I made a savage silencing gesture and kept talking. “Yes, I love him, but all I want from him is a casual night together every now and then. I think he loves me, but he will never trust himself enough to have a committed relationship with anyone. The only reason I let him get close is because I know he’ll never want a relationship. The only reason he lets me get close is because he made me promise to shoot him if he ever lost control.”
Kane’s jaw dropped. I gave him a twisted smile. “So, yeah, Arnie is my safe place, and I’m his. But that’s all it is, and that’s all it’ll ever be.”
Chapter 48
I was turning away when Kane spoke. “Why are you so dead set against being in a relationship again?”
I turned back, weariness dragging at me. “Why do I need a reason?”
“There has to be a reason. Seeking companionship is a normal human thing. Avoiding it is-”
“Completely fucked up,” I snarled. “Yeah. I thought we’d already established that. Now, can we please-”
“Aydan, that’s a cop-out!” He planted his fists on his hips. “You hide behind that excuse because it means you never have to look any deeper!”
Frustration seized me. “Oh, for chrissake!” I flung my hands up and glared at him. “Fine! You want to know what my problem is? You want to know why I don’t even want to think about having a relationship with you or anybody else? It’s because of this goddamn shit!”
The hurt that twisted his face wrenched my heart. Fury at myself and at him drove the words out of my mouth. “You’re exactly like my fucking ex! You use your emotions to make me do what you want; to punish me if I don’t! You push and demand and corner me and I can’t let that happen again, I can’t get trapped in that…”
My anger vanished as quickly as it had come, and I dropped to the bed, the old terrible memories bowing my shoulders like the weight of rotting corpses.
After a short silence, Kane spoke, his voice gentle. “But, Aydan, all people have emotions. It doesn’t mean they’re trying to control you. Arnie has emotions, too, but you feel safe with him.”
“I’ll never be trapped with him. I’ll never wake up and realize I’ve been gradually twisted into a person I don’t even recognize. Someone so crippled that happiness and love and even hope is gone and the only thing left is endurance…” My voice choked into silence.
The bed dipped as Kane sat beside me, his arm closing around my shoulders. “But Aydan, you know you can trust me. You’ve already trusted me with your life, over and over.”
“It’s easy to trust you with my life. If it’s the wrong decision, I don’t have to live with the consequences.”
His silence made me look up. He was staring at me, open-mouthed. “I… never quite thought of it like that,” he said faintly.
I shrugged and blew out a sigh before meeting his eyes. “Look, John, think about it. I freak out if I feel manipulated, whether you’re trying to do it or not. Do you really want to be in a relationship where you have to walk on eggshells all the time? Believe me, I’ve lived like that, and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.” I dropped my gaze to the carpet again.
He squeezed my hand. “But Aydan, when we both understand what’s happening, we can work together to change it. It’s never going to be perfect. We just have to keep trying.”
Hopelessness overcame me, and I met his eyes again. When I spoke, my voice came out flat. “But that’s the problem. I tried so hard, for so long… It’s just… I’ve got nothing left. It’s gone. And it’s not coming back.”
His hand fell away from mine. The last remnants of my heart crumbled to ashes as the hope died in his eyes.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered.
He rose and turned his back to stare out the window.
I curled down around my aching chest, closing my eyes. Finally, he understood. It was done.
“I’m not.” Kane’s voice barely penetrated my lifeless shell.
His voice rose. “Aydan, dammit, I’m not! I’m not sorry at all!”
His triumphant tone made me uncurl to look up at him. He was smiling, his eyes blazing with courage and unquenchable life. He pulled me to my feet and into his powerful embrace. His lips claimed mine in an exultant kiss.
He pulled away, cupping my face in his hands. “I will never be sorry for this. Whether we die today, or whether we survive and go our separate ways, or whether we figure out some middle ground together, I will never be sorry.”
He kissed me again, the heat of his body thawing my frozen misery, and my arms wrapped around him in return. He broke the kiss to smile down at me. “Now let’s get this bird onto the ground.”
I tightened my arms around him, hiding my face. “Thanks,” I whispered to his chest.
The note of the engines changed and I pulled away, relief and fear warring for ascendancy. “That’s your cue. Go fly the plane.”
“As if.”
We headed forward and I trailed to a halt in the sitting room, frowning. When Kane shot me a questioning look, I motioned him ahead. “I’ll be right there. I just have to figure out a way to make some non-dangerous smoke when we’re landing. Carl’s going to call it in so we get priority landing sequence and emergency vehicles.”
He nodded and headed down the corridor while I contemplated my options. I had no way of starting a fire, and open flame seemed like a bad idea anyway.
But there was a small electric cooking element in the serving counter. If I put something on the element and turned it on…
I began opening drawers and doors. Steak would have been nice and smoky, but there was none left in the fridge. Must have been a special thing just for the Parrs. I briefly considered laying a dishcloth across the element. That would make some good smoke.
But, no, if it actually caught fire…
I shuddered.
The first vibrations of turbulence bumped the deck beneath my feet, and I hurriedly settled on a packet of crunchy cheesy snacks. Using aluminium foil, I fashioned a rough retaining ring around the element. When I was ready, I could pour the snacks directly onto it.
Next I studied the fire extinguishers just in case my cheesy smoke got a little too thick. Besides, if there was smoke on board, surely they’d expect the crew to have the fire extinguishers out. That might help Dermott’s coverup.
The plane bumped a little more vigorously, and I headed for the front of the plane to stick my head into the cockpit.
“How’s it going?”
“Fine, flying a jet is easy,” Kane joked, but his hands hovered tensely near the controls and his smile looked pasted-on.
I drew a deep breath and let it out slowly. “Must be nice to be so talented.”
He grimaced, dropping the pretense. “Go look at the emergency exits. We should evacuate the plane as though we’re afraid of the smoke. I already checked the ones at this end, but maybe you should use one of the rear ones. Make it look good.”
“Okay. I’m going to generate some smoke in a few minutes with some stuff on the burner in the serving station, but don’t worry, I’ll be standing by with the fire extinguisher just in case.” I was glad my voice sounded calm and level despite the pounding of my heart.
“Wait. Could you grab my coat, please? Put the weapon in the inside pocket and bring it to me.”
I frowned. “Are you sure you want to do that? What if it goes off? Or beams, or whatever it does?”
The lines of strain deepened around his mouth. “It’s a chance I’ll have to take.” He hesitated. “There’s always a possibility we might have to evacuate for real if the landing doesn’t go well. I don’t plan to waste time trying to locate the weapon.”
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