‘Then get something for Timmy,’ she said embarrassed now, and aware that he was too. ‘It’ll please June if you do, and give us something to do – it’s years since I had to buy toys.’
‘Something for … well, I suppose I could. I’ve always left that to June.’
‘Well, get something on your own account. From all you say, she’ll be delighted, and of course so will Timmy and we have nothing to do and all day to do it in.’
‘So we might as well spend money. All right, then. Something for Timmy.’
They went to Hamley’s toy shop and spent the next thirty minutes wandering, half-dazed by the noise, past piles of expensive toys, picking their way through the mobs of children who ranged from being obviously totally bored to being hysterically excited, and emerged at last with a box of plain wooden bricks.
‘June has strong views on what’s suitable for a child of his age,’ Ben said. ‘She reads all the books on child development and care and all that. I think it’d be more fun to get one of those electronic things that bleep and flash lights and that he’d break before breakfast, but she’s all for durability and play value. I think she’ll approve of this.’
‘But will Timmy?’ Jessie said without thinking, and then blushed. ‘Heavens, I’m sorry. That was very rude of me.’
‘Not at all.’ They were back in the street now, walking towards Oxford Circus. ‘It’s a fair comment. The trouble with June is she doesn’t think about children as people exactly. They’re just children, you know? I hope she’ll be as attached to Timmy when he grows up and stops being quite so obviously dependent and charming, but I don’t know – there are teenagers living in the house next door to ours, and she seems to dislike them.’
‘I don’t blame her,’ Jessie said. ‘Mark when he was small was rather nice. Now he’s ….’ She shook her head. ‘If I were to be honest, I’d say he was repellent. I feel I hardly know him. And what’s worse, I don’t really care whether I do or not.’
‘That sounds healthy to me. Being able to see your child for what he is, I mean, rather than just as someone labelled My Child and Therefore Adorable. That’s what worries me about June. She doesn’t seem to see any life for herself unless she has someone she can label that way. She makes do with Timmy, I know, but it’s her own child she wants – I just can’t seem to get her to see that it isn’t the end of the world if she never has one.’
‘Look, there’s a place there we could have lunch,’ Jessie said quickly, and steered him towards the kerb so that they could cross the road. This conversation was getting even more embarrassing and she didn’t like it. It created a closeness between them that was frightening and she thought – I shouldn’t have agreed to come up so early today. I should have realized, said I’d stay at the lab till the last possible moment ….
‘What do you think we’ll have to do tonight? Did they give you any sort of idea about their plans?’
‘Not much.’ He seemed as glad to abandon the talk about June as she was. ‘They said they wanted to discuss with you the work with the animals and how they were kept, but they wanted me to talk about Contravert. I ….’ He shook his head as they reached the restaurant and there was a little flurry as they made their way to a table and ordered food. Once the waitress had gone and they could talk again he said abruptly, as though their conversation had never been interrupted, ‘I should have stuck to my guns, somehow. I said I didn’t want to talk about it, that it was premature ….’
‘Then why didn’t you, Ben? I must say I was surprised when you told me you’d agreed.’
He made a face. ‘Because they told me they’d get Lyall Davies in to talk about it if I didn’t. The brass gall of that man! He’s marching round, carrying on as though it was his stuff and that he had as much to do with it as I did, when the old fool knows damn all about it. He’s just climbing on to the publicity bandwagon. He makes me sick, he really does.’ He grinned then. ‘It was worth saying I’d do this damned programme just to see how furious he was that he wasn’t doing it too. He wanted to get on to it in the worst way – got his secretary to ring the studios, you know, to tell ’em he was available! Fortunately I’d already told them how little he had to do with it, so they didn’t take him. All the same, I wish I didn’t have to do the wretched programme. I’m shaking over it all more than I did when I did my final exams, and I thought that was the ultimate in panic reactions.’
‘Why didn’t you tell them to drop it? That it’s too soon to talk about it and that’s that?’
He laughed at that. ‘Now you’re sounding provincial, Jessie, and you ought to know better. If there’s one thing I’ve learned since all this fuss began – it feels like months rather than weeks – it’s that you can’t control these people. They decide they want to write a newspaper article or do a TV programme and that’s all about it. No one can stop them, no one can even tell them how to do it so they get it right. Did you see the garbage they ran last week? I have to speak to the bloody people, like it or not, to try to get the facts right. If I don’t they just guess and their guesses are the wildest you ever heard. We’re caught in a great big sticky trap and there’s not a damned thing we can do about it.’
He was silent for a while as their food arrived and they began to eat. ‘I’ll tell you what’s the worst thing about it,’ he said eventually. ‘It’s a bloody seductive trap. I may be scared about tonight’s programme but I’m elated too. It’s all so marvellously exciting, you see, isn’t it? On one level I may be revolted by the whole mishmash of journalists and photographers and TV interviewers and all the rest of it, but I’m absolutely fascinated too. I’m enjoying all the drama. It’s different, and it’s exhilarating. Sitting here eating lamb chops with you, that’s different and exhilarating. Being in London with all the hubbub out there, all the rush and the drama – I like it. I don’t know how long I’d go on liking it if I had to put up with it all the time, but right now I’m enjoying it in a masochistic sort of way. And that’s the most worrying thing about the whole business. The perverted pleasure I’m getting out of all the attention.’
She had been sitting staring at him as he talked, startled by the rush of words and the passion he was putting into them, and now she said quickly, ‘It’s nothing to be ashamed of. Why shouldn’t you enjoy it? You’ve worked unbelievably hard for so long that you’re entitled to it. You’ve had no attention at all. No one cared or shared any of it ….’ She stopped, once again aware of the embarrassment she felt when June seemed to come into their conversation. She didn’t want to talk about her at all, least of all wanted to seem to criticize her, yet over and over again it just seemed to happen.
‘You do,’ he said, and smiled at her. ‘I haven’t said it properly, but I really must. I’m so bloody grateful to you, Jess. This last year of the work’s been so much easier, because you’ve been there. I chose well when I chose you for the job, and I keep on congratulating myself on my acumen. I’ve had more support this past year than I would have thought possible in the first three. So, here and now, it’s on the record. Thank you.’
There was a little silence and then she said simply, ‘Thank you I ….’ She managed a rather shaky laugh. ‘I like attention too, you know. It’s marvellous to be told you’re doing a good job. It’s all I want, just the job, and knowing that … well, thanks. And ….’ She leaned forwards and put her hand briefly on his. ‘Don’t worry about tonight. All you have to do is be honest, tell them what you want to tell them, and no more. You’ll be in charge, won’t you? It’s not like those things when people are recorded and they cut bits out and mix them up and use them the way they want to. This programme goes out on the air while we do it, doesn’t it? It’s live – so you can say what you like, and more important, needn’t say what you don’t want to. And I’ll back you up all the way, I promise.’
‘And I’ll back you,’ he said. ‘You’ll need that, Jess. They’re going to go on about the use of animals in research, you see. It’s really a totally differen
t subject – I mean, there’s enough to talk about with the Contravert, let alone the ethics of using animals, but that’s what they’re doing, so … it might be rough. You know how the anti-vivisectionists go on about cruelty.’
‘I know,’ she said, and made a face. ‘And I know that sometimes they’re right – look, let’s not talk about it now. It makes me feel more scared than ever. Bad enough we’ll have to do it tonight. Let’s talk about something else. About what we’ll do when all the fuss is over and we can get back to work properly. Have you a plan?’
Gratefully he pushed his plate aside and leaned forwards with his elbows on the table. ‘Yes, you’re right. Let’s plan. I’ve been thinking about it. I’m going to make some use of that old fool Lyall Davies. If I can’t get some research money out of him and his department after all this, I don’t deserve the name of researcher. And the fact that we’ve had a single success in a human trial should help. I want to do some tissue work as well as animal work, side by side. I’m a bit worried about the possibility of chromosome effects and ….’
‘Chromosome effects?’
‘The stuff derives from prostaglandins and hormones, remember. For all I know it could be teratogenic – there’s always that risk with all drugs that act directly on cells the way Contravert does, but it seems to me there may be an added risk in using such sensitive material. So, I want to set up a series of tissue cultures and use the stuff on those, as well as another series of animal trials. The people out at the factory ….’
‘You’re saying that Contravert could damage unborn babies?’
‘I don’t know. That’s the point. As I said, there’s always that risk, especially with something that’s based on hormones. There was that evidence that babies born of women who went on using the Pill after they became pregnant, because they didn’t realize they were pregnant, had a higher incidence of birth defects.’
‘That was just anecdotal. There was never a full trial, was there?’
‘Of course not. How could there be? The evidence has to be anecdotal – you can’t deliberately feed hormones in heavy doses to pregnant women – where are your ethics, Jess? The point that’s worrying me is that there may be an effect like that with Contravert and that’s why I want to do some tissue cultures as well as other animal trials. It’s all right to use the stuff on the non-pregnant, of course – at least I think it should be. Though maybe it isn’t – maybe it could have an effect on gonads in young people, do damage that could affect their ability to conceive and carry normal infants? You see what a problem this side-effects issue raises? Why it is that I have to be sure? So, there’s that work to do. And maybe all this publicity won’t be such a bad thing after all. It might mean that I can get more research money – might even be able to give up the path, job, get a pure research berth somewhere, really get my head down on it ….’
She felt cold in her belly suddenly. ‘You’d leave Minster Hospital?’
Just watch me go, given half the chance! I’ve done all I can in pathology. It bores me now – I just go through the motions. It’s the research that matters, not the damned post-mortems and blood tests and histology and all the rest of it.’
‘Oh,’ she said, and then with an effort added, ‘I’d miss you if you went.’
‘But you’d come with me, wouldn’t you? I’d have to have my own assistant wherever I went. You don’t imagine I’d leave you behind after all the work you’ve done this year? Be your age, Jess!’
‘Thanks for the reassurance,’ she said, trying to sound sardonic and succeeding in sounding only happy and grateful. ‘I’ll keep you to that. I can’t imagine not being involved with this work. I’d be … there’d be nothing left worth bothering about.’
There was a silence again and he didn’t look at her, and then lifted his head and stared at her very directly. ‘Are you leaving him, Jessie?’
‘I don’t know.’
‘But you’re not living with him at present?’
‘You know I’m not. I’m bunking down at the hospital. But that can’t go on. I’ve got a local estate agent looking for a furnished flatlet for me. Nothing much. Just a room and bath’d do.’
‘Then you’re going to leave him.’ It wasn’t a question, but a statement.
‘I told you, I don’t know.’
‘Why not?’
‘That’s a stupid question!’ she said hotly, and then bit her lip. She knew he was right, of course; she couldn’t push away consideration of her situation much longer. She’d been managing to cope a day at a time, concentrating only on work, refusing to think about Peter, but she’d have to think about him soon.
‘Try it this way, Jessie. Are you going back to him?’
The word came out before she even realized she was speaking. ‘No!’
‘Then you are leaving him, aren’t you?’
‘I suppose so. I just haven’t thought about it. It’s all so … it’s not easy. Over twenty years we’ve been married. You can’t throw that away just like that. Twenty years ….’
‘I had a lecturer once who told me always to beware of people who told me they’d had twenty years of experience at something, and that that fitted them with the ability to do whatever it was they wanted to do. Mostly, he said, they’ve just had the same year of experience twenty times over and learned nothing at all from any of’em.’
She was silent for a long time, and he said, ‘I’m sorry if I’m being impertinent.’
She shook her head. ‘No, you’re not. I hope you’re speaking as a friend. And friends aren’t impertinent. Just interested ….’
‘Got it in one. A friend. I don’t want to meddle, of course I don’t, but … I can’t help but notice how much happier you’ve been these past days. Since you moved out to stay at the hospital.’
‘Have I?’
‘Very much so. You’ve been so much happier that you’ve made me think about myself.’
Now there was nothing she could dare to say.
‘I’ve been happier too. Staying at the hospital, not going home at night. Phoning June sometimes. Not much of a marriage, is it?’
Still she said nothing and he said very deliberately, ‘I feel more married to you. Together as we are so much ….’
‘No!’ She said it quickly, and began to gather her gloves and bag together. ‘You really mustn’t talk that way.’
‘Why not? It’s true.’
‘Then it has no right to be.’
‘Again, why not? This is the age of the modern marriage, Jess. People divorce and remarry every five minutes as far as I can tell … why not me? Why not you?’
‘No.’ She shook her head again and stood up, not looking at him.
‘No, you don’t want to talk about it. Or no … what?’
‘No, I don’t want to talk about it. Please, Ben, don’t make things any messier than they are! I’m happy as I am. Working and … just working. Please don’t make me confused. I get my head in enough of a tangle as it is thinking about Peter. Don’t make it worse.’
‘I won’t.’ He stood up too and picked up the bill the waitress had left for him. ‘Come on. We’ll go and walk round Covent Garden till it’s time to go to those damned studios and offer ourselves up on the altars of the television gods. I’m sorry if I confused you. Put it down to my own confusion and the peculiar effects of being in London. I’m safer in Minster, I dare say, where everything’s rather dull and ordinary ….’
‘Dull?’ She stood outside the restaurant, staring out at the jammed traffic in the road and the pushing crowds on the pavement and took a deep breath of the diesel-scented air. ‘No, it’s not dull in Minster. It’s the place where Contravert happened, so it can’t be dull. Covent Garden, you say? That’ll be nice. Do we go by underground or do we take a bus?’
And they went, and said not another word about themselves or about June and Peter for the rest of the afternoon. But that didn’t mean that Jessie at least didn’t think a great deal about their conversation, nor that sh
e didn’t feel remarkably elated by it. She knew she ought to be distressed and anxious, ought to be worn down by the messy state of her marriage, and by the state of his, but she felt none of that. She just felt good and happy, enjoying the roasted chestnut smells and the street entertainers and the gaudy stalls and raucous sounds of Covent Garden with all the abandon of a girl on a first date with a man she found exciting.
24
The studio had arranged to send a cab to collect them at six o’clock, but by a quarter to, Jessie was already in the lobby waiting for it.
They had come back to the hotel from their afternoon in Covent Garden at five, to have time for a shower and a rest before the real business of the day started, but she hadn’t been able to rest at all. The excitement and her anxiety about the coming ordeal and an undertow of confusion about her closeness to Ben had coalesced into a queasy mixture of sensations that made her feel actually sick, and Only moving about fairly briskly controlled that, so move briskly she did. And now, in the lobby of the rather pretentiously decorated hotel near the Park, not far from Paddington, she couldn’t sit quietly waiting. She had to move about, prowling from jeweller’s display window to bookstall, from the reception desk to the doorway, under the sardonic eye of the clerks and the hall porters; and suddenly embarrassed by their cool stares she pushed her way out through the revolving doors to stand on the damp pavement outside and breathe the cold evening air.
Above her head a series of flags snapped and rattled their ropes in the night breeze and ahead of her the traffic sulked its viscous rush-hour way along the Bayswater Road and she stared at it and at the people hurrying along the pavements, their heads down against the December bite, and felt a great wave of loneliness and strangeness. What was she doing here in this great soulless mass of buildings and people who didn’t give a damn whether she lived or died? She ought to be in the warm moist animal room at home, smelling the dusty comforting smells of corn and hay and laboratory chemicals, with Castor and Pollux chattering softly at her from their corner cage and the rabbits rustling contentedly in their straw, not here in this horrible cold place where everyone was a suspicious stranger; and she thought desperately, I must ring Errol, make sure he remembers that Castor needs extra vitamin capsules, and to see that Pollux doesn’t steal them the way she usually does, and almost turned back to the hotel to find a phone.
The Virus Man Page 24