I nodded and smiled, and he crossed the street, heading back toward his apartment.
On the way back to the station I ran into Alvy Greenberg on patrol, under the trees behind the Royal Hawaiian Shopping Center. It was cool back there, nicely landscaped, quiet. We stood in the shaded lobby of the shopping center, surrounded by the hushed voices of serious shoppers and the occasional small child racing around the courtyard. We talked for a couple of minutes, mostly me expressing my frustration at how few leads we had on Tommy Pang’s murder. “I’m sure you’ll figure it out,” he said. “If you want my honest opinion, I think you’re the best detective we’ve got on the force.”
“Mahalo, brah. I appreciate the vote of confidence, even if I don’t feel like I deserve it most of the time.”
I walked past the open air market, full of t-shirts, plastic leis and coconuts you could send home like postcards. A parrot called out, “Hey, pretty baby,” over and over again. There was a lazy flow of tourists from one stall to the next, but nobody seemed to be buying much.
Back at the station, I checked out all the people in Tommy Pang’s address book. Akoni was out tracking down his own leads, and I only spoke to him long enough to determine that we’d start talking to the people in the book together the next day.
As I left the station, I passed an elderly Japanese woman, dirty and dressed in rags, sitting on the curb shouting obscenities. Alvy Greenberg was on his way to roust her, and I nodded as we passed each other.
I took my time walking home. At Kuhio Avenue and Lili’uokalani Street, a good-looking guy passed me, heading toward the beach. He had a surfer’s physique, like mine-strong chest, well-defined pecs, a dusting of blond hair down the center of his chest. His legs were long and his calves and thighs well-muscled. He was wearing a skimpy bikini that didn’t cover much, and as we made eye contact I experienced a sudden pang of horniness. Our eyes met for a moment, but both of us kept on walking. I couldn’t help turning to stare at him; though I forced myself to look away eventually, I watched his butt go halfway down the block before he blended in with the rest of the crowd. And then I knew what Akoni was worried about, and it scared the hell out of me.
My life had become my latest case. And like a bulldog, I was going to keep gnawing at my personal problems until I had worked them out. I knew then that I couldn’t keep my sexuality a secret forever, and that revealing it would rip open my life and hurt many people around me.
I knew my parents loved me, but I also knew my father’s bad temper and remembered the frequent disparaging comments he’d made about mahus when I was growing up. And though my brothers loved me, too, they had teased me mercilessly when we were kids. Suppose they chose to shut me out now?
I’d always appreciated my sense of being rooted in Honolulu. Landmarks in town had personal meaning to me, and my parents’ network of friends and distant relatives was all around. Now that I was an adult, I often ran into distant cousins and Punahou classmates at the grocery, on the beach, or on street corners downtown. What if I was shut out of that community, shunned? What if I didn’t belong in my own home anymore?
There was a storm coming. Akoni had just felt the winds a little sooner, and was scrambling to get under cover.
TERRI’S GIFT
When I got inside the red light was blinking on my answering machine. I thought it would be my mother, with some follow-up to the party of the day before, and I just didn’t feel like talking to anyone. There was still a couple of hours of daylight left, and I thought I might go for a swim. I hit the play button on the machine as I started to strip down.
It wasn’t my mother. A different female voice said, “Hi, Kimo, it’s Terri Gonsalves.” I dropped my shirt on the bed and stopped, listening. There was a pause before she went on. “I really need to talk to you, Kimo. Can you call me, please? Maybe we can meet.” She left her number. “It’s important, Kimo. Please call me tonight, if you can. Evan is working late.” She paused again. “I’m counting on you.” Then the line went dead.
I looked at my watch. It was almost six, and Terri answered on the first ring, as if she’d been sitting by the phone waiting for me to call. “I’m sorry to bother you, Kimo. I know you’re probably busy.”
“Never too busy for you, Terri, you know that. What’s wrong?”
“I’m worried about Evan. There’s something wrong with him-the way he’s been acting, it’s not like him. Do you think you could come over tonight? I can explain it.”
“Sure. When?”
“Danny’s playing at a friend’s house, and he’ll be home any minute for dinner. Do you think maybe eight o’clock? By then he’ll be asleep and we can talk. Evan won’t be home until midnight at least.”
I agreed to come out to Terri’s house on the Wailupe peninsula at eight o’clock. I finished stripping down and put on a bathing suit, and headed for the beach to get in a quick swim before dinner. I told myself I was just looking to cool down after the long, hot day, to refresh myself by contact with the ocean. But maybe I was hoping to run into the guy in the skimpy bikini, too.
Not that I would say anything to him, even if I saw him. As I walked to the beach, I wondered when I would stop running, when I’d make a move toward another guy the way the giraffe had moved on me at the Rod and Reel Club. I doubted I’d ever be blowing in a stranger’s ear, but I’d always been comfortable walking up to unescorted wahines, saying hello and trying to start a conversation. If it worked, it worked. If the girl snubbed me, I’d move on. It was just a matter of transferring that attitude to guys.
It had to be different, though. When you walked up to a girl, there was a big chance she wouldn’t like you, that she’d be engaged or dating someone, or just not interested. But chances were she’d be heterosexual, and wouldn’t be offended.
Unfortunately, the chances were that most guys on Kuhio Beach were heterosexual, too, and they’d be pissed off by any kind of overture, and ready to punch me out. Which left me at kind of a loss. The only men I can generally peg as gay are the faggy ones, and they don’t do it for me. The way I figure it is, if I was attracted to someone feminine, I’d stay with girls, and my life would be a lot easier. Unfortunately, the kind of guys who appealed to me were masculine, athletic, all male. I supposed there might have been a few of them at the Rod and Reel Club, and that eventually I’d have to make my way back there.
Once I got to the ocean, though, I stopped thinking. I swam out beyond the breakers, where the surfers waited, and then swam parallel to the shore down toward the old marine stadium. I did a couple of trips like that, back and forth, until my legs and arms started to feel like jelly. Then I floated for a little while, looking up at the crisp blue sky dotted with a few lazy clouds. As it started to get dark I realized I had to get in, to grab a quick dinner and drive out the Kalaniana’ole Highway to Terri’s house in Wailupe.
I found my towel on the beach and started drying off. While the towel was over my head, someone said, “You’re not surfing tonight.”
I looked up. It was the guy I’d seen on Lili‘uokalani, sitting up on a beach towel a couple of feet away. I realized I’d probably seen him on the beach a couple of times, but hadn’t taken much notice of him, thinking he was a tourist. But now, after my reaction to him back at my apartment, I got nervous, feeling like there was a big empty place at the bottom of my throat. “No, I surfed this morning,” I said, trying to sound casual, but sure my voice was squeaking. “I just wanted to do a little swimming tonight.”
He nodded. “I swim every day, but I haven’t gotten up the nerve to try surfing yet.”
“You should try it, it’s fun,” I said, trying to keep the towel around my swimsuit to avoid any embarrassing revelations. “People around here are pretty friendly about giving advice.” I paused. “I could give you a couple of pointers some time, if you want.”
“That’d be great.” He stood up and walked over to me, with his hand outstretched. “I’m Tim, Tim Ryan. I just moved to Waikiki a couple of months
ago.”
I gave up holding the towel and shook his hand. I told him my name and asked what he did. Fortunately my interest in him wasn’t too evident, and I could relax a little.
“I’m an attorney,” he said. “It’s boring.”
I laughed. “Not from my perspective. I’m a cop.”
“Really?”
We talked for a couple more minutes, and then I caught a glimpse of his watch. “Jesus, it’s late. I’ve gotta run. Maybe I’ll see you around this weekend. I can give you that surfing lesson.”
“I’ll look forward to it.” He looked directly into my eyes and smiled, and I felt a shiver run down my back. I smiled myself, a goofy kind of grin. We shook hands again, and I picked up my towel and headed down Lili‘uokalani toward my apartment.
He was a nice guy, I thought, as I walked. This was a perfectly innocent conversation. I’d never been sex-mad, like some of my friends in high school and college, imagining that every time a woman talked to me it was because she wanted me. I hoped I wouldn’t change now. Tim Ryan was probably just a good guy who was interested in making some friends and learning to surf. Of course, there was the way he looked at me, and smiled. I realized then he must have noticed me watching him earlier that evening.
I’d been around the sex wars long enough to know what that kind of smile meant. It was funny to realize it meant the same thing from a woman or a man, but I knew then that I was going to sleep with Tim Ryan, and for the first time in my life I thought, that’s okay. It’s like I was giving myself permission to be who I was, and that felt good.
I had barely enough time to microwave myself a couple of frozen burritos and jump into my clothes before I had to leave for Terri’s. When she and Evan got married, her parents gave them a honeymoon in Europe and the down payment for this house, a four-bedroom ranch on the makai side of the Kalaniana’ole Highway. On the mauka side of the highway, the Wiliwilinui Ridge is very steep, but it opens out to a flat plain and a little peninsula that sticks out into the Pacific. It’s a dramatic vista, the stony mountains coming almost to the water’s edge, with Koko Head in the distance.
The neighborhood, full of ranch-style homes with broad lawns, is protected from the busy highway by a yellow brick wall. If you don’t look up at the mountains or the towering palm trees, you could be anywhere in suburbia-sidewalks, basketball hoops in driveways, lots of boats on trailers. Terri’s house isn’t on the water, but Wailupe Beach Park is right next door. There’s a nice lawn, and a semi-circle driveway, and a row of tall coconut palms. When I drove up it was dark and the neighborhood was quiet. I could see a light on in the front window.
Terri heard me pull up on the gravel driveway and came to the front door. She looked even prettier than she had in high school. She was still slim, and her brown hair was cut in the same page boy she’d had since she was a teenager. Back then, when I didn’t understand the feelings I had for guys, I wanted to marry Terri Clark. She was smart and funny, along with being beautiful, and we used to pass each other notes in algebra class.
Then we went to college, and I realized the gulf between us. Terri’s family was rich, while my father was a small-time contractor who’d have been delighted to get the contract to remodel one department in one Clark’s store. I went to Punahou on scholarship, while Terri’s family paid full freight, and donated money whenever the school came calling. My parents wanted me to go to UH but I convinced them I had to go to the mainland, and I ended up at UC San Diego, majoring in surfing. At least, that’s what I spent most of my time doing. I actually majored in English because the classes were often in the late afternoon and I could surf in the morning if the conditions were right.
I came to understand, when I saw Terri at home during those college years, that she was out of my league. She came back to Hawai‘i with her degree, summa cum laude, but without a husband, and started working in the Clark’s at Ala Moana, standing behind a counter in the perfume department. She told the other girls it was just a funny coincidence that her last name was Clark.
After six months behind the perfume counter Terri joined the management training program, and when there was a burglary at the Ala Moana store she was assigned to deal with the police. That’s when she met Evan Gonsalves, and no one was more surprised than I was when they announced their engagement.
In the years since then I’d seen her occasionally, more so after I gave up on being a professional surfer and came back to Waikiki. I went to the christening for her son, Danny, and the regular Christmas party she and Evan held every year. We talked about Punahou a little, and she always asked who I was dating.
“Thank you so much for coming,” she said as I walked up to the front door. I kissed her cheek and she took my hand. I followed her into the graceful living room, decorated with her family’s antiques. The room was dominated by a mahogany sideboard that had been brought to the islands by her missionary great-grandfather, and it was filled with fragile Chinese export porcelain. But her couch, covered in a floral fabric, was overstuffed, and there was a child’s plastic train on the highly polished coffee table, so the room wasn’t as oppressive as it could have been.
She gave me a splash of single malt scotch over ice in a crystal glass, and we made some small talk. Finally I said, “So tell me what’s wrong.”
“You have to understand something,” she said, facing me. “I love Evan. I wish I could convince him that I love him for himself, that he doesn’t have to constantly fight to keep up with my family. But I can’t.”
“What do you mean, keep up with your family?”
“Buying things.” She held out her wrist to me, to show me a thick gold bracelet set with tiny emeralds. “Yesterday was my birthday. This is what he gave me.”
“It’s beautiful.”
“I took it to a jeweler on Fort Street and had it appraised today. He told me it was worth five thousand dollars.”
“Wow.”
“Evan doesn’t make that kind of money,” she said. “I know.” She waved her hand around to encompass the living room, the house. “He’d kill me for telling you, but we don’t live on his income. I have a trust fund, and even though Evan hates it, we use that money to pay most of our bills.”
“Maybe he’s been saving his money. You know, putting away a little each week so that he could buy you something special.”
“I don’t want money from him, or expensive jewelry. I can’t convince him of that.” She paused. “Besides, his paycheck gets deposited automatically. It goes into our joint checking account, and he never makes big withdrawals.”
“He could be doing private security work somewhere. Maybe sometime when he says he’s working late, he’s actually on duty for somebody else.”
She shook her head. “I know him. And I don’t mean to say that I’m checking up on him, but sometimes I have to call him when he’s working late, and he’s at his desk.”
“So where do you think he got the money for the bracelet?”
She put her hand to her mouth, and looked away. A minute later she looked back. “I don’t know, I think maybe… I think maybe he’s taking bribes.”
I sat back. “Whoa, Terri, that’s a serious accusation to make. Evan could lose his job just over the scandal. Do you have any evidence-I mean, beyond the bracelet?”
She shook her head. “I was hoping you could help me find out. Unofficially, of course. Then I could confront him and make him stop.”
“This is a bad idea, Terri. Remember, I’m a cop too. If I find evidence of a crime, I’m morally obligated to report it. That would mean I’d be snitching on a fellow cop, which is one of the worst things a cop can do.”
“I didn’t realize it would put you in such a bad position.”
“If you have suspicions about Evan, you need to talk to him about them.”
“I can’t, not without evidence,” she said. “What if I’m wrong? What if there’s a logical explanation for this?” She waved the bracelet at me again.
I drank the l
ast of my scotch and she offered me another. While she fixed it I tried to think about what she should do. When she handed the glass back to me I said, “I’m no expert on relationships between husbands and wives, but it seems to me you guys need to talk to each other more. You have to find some way to tell him you don’t want the bracelet, and get him to take it back.”
“It’s not just the bracelet. It’s a lot of little things. We’ll go to dinner, and Evan will insist on an expensive restaurant. Then he’ll pay the bill in cash. Or he’ll bring me flowers from a fancy store and I’ll never see the bill. He’s getting extra money from somewhere, and I’m so scared I don’t know what to do about it.” She started to cry a little, dabbing at her eyes with a tissue.
“I can’t do anything for you, Terri. Officially or unofficially. It’s not unheard of for cops to be on the take. Evan’s a prime candidate, living like this on his salary. It’s got to make him feel bad. You don’t want to have to move out to a duplex in ’Aiea just to be able to live on a cop’s salary, not when you don’t have to. But let’s face it, you’re accustomed to living well, and Evan is going to do whatever he can to make you happy. If he thinks you want a richer husband, he’ll try and make himself that person.”
“Mommy?”
We were both startled. We turned simultaneously and saw Danny standing at the edge of the living room in his pajamas. “Can I have a glass of water?”
“Of course, darling.” She stuffed the tissue in the pocket of her dress and stood up. “You remember Uncle Kimo, don’t you?”
Danny nodded. I usually got out to Terri and Evan’s every couple of months, and Danny and I always spent a little time hanging out. Like my nieces and nephews, and most of the island kids, he was mad for pogs-paper disks that originally came from milk bottles, but now were given out by every island business as a promotional tool. Kids loved to flip them, trading them back and forth based on how they landed.
“I’ll let myself out,” I said. “I wish I could do more for you.”
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