“Really?” he asked and looked at me in surprise.
“Absolutely. And yes, she said she thought about you often and wanted to see you, but you only have to see her if you want to.”
Jackson looked down at his hands and I noticed he was wringing them. I kept my hand on his shoulder and offered a gentle squeeze. This wasn’t a conversation I wanted to rush through. It wasn’t one where I prompted and urged him to talk to me. It was one where all the time in the world was needed while he worked through his tangled emotions.
“Why does she want to see me?” he finally asked quietly.
I sighed. “I’m not sure, sweetie. That’s a question you’d have to ask her yourself.”
“I don’t understand it,” he admitted and I noticed how thick his voice sounded.
“Understand what?”
“If she wants to see me, then why did she leave me?” he asked me as he continued to stare down at his interlocked fingers. And when his chin trembled, it took all I could do not to put my fist through a wall.
I wasn’t a violent person. It took a lot to get me to show any sort of emotion, except for when it came to my son. It took every ounce of willpower I possessed to sit there, emitting an extreme sense of calm that I did not feel at all, and wait for my son to work through his emotions.
“I’m not sure, baby. Maybe she just wasn’t ready to be a mom,”
“Then why was I born if she didn’t want me?” he asked and his voice cracked.
That was it. I tightened the hand I had on his bony shoulder and pulled him closer to me. He didn’t even fight it as I wrapped my arms around his narrow shoulders and held him against me. Instead, he put his arms around my waist and hugged me, too. I stroked his back as his body began to tremble, and then I heard his soft sobs.
I kissed the top of his head and started to rock my body slowly back and forth. I continued to rub his back, trying to offer my baby every bit of comfort I could. And with every sob that wracked my son’s body, more bits and pieces of my heart broke off.
“Jackson,” I choked out thickly. That’s when I realized that I was silently crying as well. Crying for the pain my son was enduring over his mother. Over the fact that he didn’t feel wanted by the person who gave him life, and now she made him question his mere existence. “Baby, are you listening to me?”
I felt Jackson nod against my chest as he sniffled, and that was good enough for me to continue.
“I don’t ever want you to question why you were born, ever again, understand? You were born because the world needs you. I need you,” I said fiercely to him so he would know just how much I meant what I said.
“Yeah, right.” When he sniffled, I felt his hot breath through my shirt.
“It’s true, buddy. Your mom might not have been ready to be a parent, but I was. You are the best thing that’s ever happened to me. You are my world. You are the sun, moon, and stars that surround my world. You are everything to me, and the reason I get up in the morning and go to bed at night. My entire existence is because you are my son.” I pulled back and cupped his cheek. I inhaled sharply when I saw his swollen eyes and spiky, wet eyelashes. His tear stained cheeks were flushed and his nose was running. “I love you more than words could ever describe. Your mom might have given birth to you, but you were born for me.”
“I love you too, Dad,” Jackson said before he flung himself back into my arms. I hugged him tightly and held on for as long as he let me. Who knew when I’d be allowed to hug him again?
After a while, he pulled back, and he bit his lip as he stared at me. “I don’t want to see her.”
“Jackson, are you sure? This isn’t a decision that needs to be made today,” I reassured him.
Jackson nodded. “I’m sure. She had three years to see me, you know?”
I smiled at his response. He was being so mature for his age, and I was very proud of him. “Okay, if you’re sure, I’ll send her an email and let her know what you decided.”
“Cool. Can we go see Anthony now?”
I laughed and nodded at his question. “I’m sure he’d like that.”
I had a broad smile the entire time we drove to Anthony’s house. I didn’t bother with a text or a call because I assumed he’d be home. But when I pulled up, I instantly regretted that decision. Because I sure as hell didn’t expect to see him locked in an embrace with another man.
“Dad, who’s that?” Jackson asked from the back seat.
“I’m not sure, but I’m about to go find out,” I said as I undid my seatbelt. “Stay here.”
Maybe my fist was going to go through a wall after all, or that smug prick’s face that had his arms around my boyfriend.
Chapter 28
Anthony
I should’ve known my little bubble of bliss was going to get popped soon. It always did. Every single time I was finally happy, some little prick would come around to fucking ruin it. Every. Single. Time. It was as if the higher powers that be didn’t want me to be happy. Well fuck them! I deserved happiness, damn it.
So I shouldn’t have been surprised when I arrived home after an afternoon of errand running and spending time with my mom, to find Sebastian on my doorstep. Ever since Marcus and I began dating, aside from our regularly scheduled dinner, I hadn’t got to spend much time with mom. It was a stroke of luck that she happened to be home that evening, and it was nice to catch up with her. She, of course, asked about Marcus and Jackson and pretty much demanded I bring them by again for dinner. I left with the promise that all three of us would be by again soon and then drove home. It had been a nice day, what the fuck did the King of Douchery want?
“Why are you here?” I asked when I climbed out of my car.
Sebastian stood up from where he was seated and dusted the dirt off his ass before he walked over to me. “I came to see you.”
“Why? I don’t want to see you,” I said rudely as I walked past him.
“Can I come in?” he asked hopefully.
“No,” I said as I continued up my walkway.
“Come on, Anthony. It’s been weeks since we’ve seen each other, and I miss you,”
I stopped in my tracks and turned around to face him. “It’s been weeks because I’ve purposefully avoided anywhere you frequent. It’s been weeks because I’ve moved on and I’m with someone else. So stop missing me and do the same thing. Now leave.”
Sebastian stumbled backward as if I pushed him. “You’re with someone else?”
“Yup,” I said smugly. “And he makes me very, very happy.”
Sebastian winced. “I didn’t need to know all that.” His eyes raked over my body and he sighed. “You look happy though. Much happier than I’ve ever seen you. Even when we were together.”
The sad look in his eyes almost made me feel sorry for him, but I wasn’t stupid enough to fall for his tricks again. “I am happy. The happiest I’ve ever been.” He recoiled at that statement, but, hey, it was the truth.
“I really fucked up, didn’t I?” he asked and rubbed the back of his neck.
I stared at him for a minute thoughtfully. “At first I would’ve agreed with you, but no I don’t think you did at all. You did me a favor by cheating on me. Had you not done that, I never would’ve met Marcus. And I care for him more than I ever thought possible. So, no, I don’t think you fucked up. In fact, I should be thanking you.”
Sebastian shook his head ruefully. “That’s almost worse. Look, I really just came by to see how you were doing, and now I know. I’m really happy for you, Anthony. I’m just sorry for how I acted.”
“Thanks, Sebastian. I hope you’ll find happiness as well,” I said, and I meant it.
It felt good to finally get the closure that he and I never really had. Sure, harsh words were thrown around and we’d had the occasional hookup, but none of that mattered anymore. I was so fucking happy that I barely even remembered my past with Sebastian. It was funny how almost eight weeks of happiness could erase two years with someone else. A
nd while those two years weren’t bad, they were just almost… wasted. Because, truthfully, if Sebastian was happy with me, he wouldn’t have slept with someone else. And if I was being honest with myself, if I was happy with Sebastian, I would have been more heartbroken than I was. In all honesty, we were just content with each other and stayed together out of habit, and that was wrong for both of us.
Sebastian didn’t make my body do the clichéd shit that Marcus did. He didn’t make my heart soar. He didn’t make my stomach flutter with butterflies. And he certainly didn’t make me see stars after a night of fucking me against the wall. But Marcus did every single one of those things. And that’s because, oh fuck, I fucking loved him. I couldn’t deny it to myself anymore. Oh shit. How in the hell was I going to break that news to Marcus? It was way too soon to feel anything except like for the guy.
“Did it just dawn on you that you’re in love with this new guy?” Sebastian asked. His voice was like a bucket of cold water being thrown over my head.
“Yup,” I sighed. “It did.”
“It’ll be okay. Love looks good on you,” Sebastian said sincerely. “I’m going to get out of here. It was nice seeing you again and I hope you take care of yourself.”
“Thanks. You as well,” I told him. It was bittersweet. I knew we’d run into each other again since Middlebury was such a small town, but this felt like our final goodbye.
Sebastian surprised me and reached over to give me a hug. I figured it was okay to hug him back since we were… amicable at most, but the sound of a slamming car door quickly made me regret it.
“Who the fuck are you?” Marcus’s angry voice asked, and I jumped away from Sebastian’s embrace.
“Marcus, what are you doing here?” I asked and instantly regretted my words. His harsh glare landed on me, and I knew how guilty my question made me sound.
“Obviously I came at a bad time. Am I interrupting something?” he asked tersely.
“No, you’re not interrupting anything at all. Sebastian was just leaving. Where’s Jackson?” I asked, trying my hardest to change the subject, but that didn’t work.
“Sebastian?” Marcus asked with wide eyes. “As in your fucking ex, Sebastian? Oh fuck this.”
Marcus threw his hands up in frustration and turned around to leave. “Marcus, stop,” I called as I chased after him. “Fucking leave, already!” I yelled at Sebastian when I belatedly noticed that he was still standing on my sidewalk. So much for being amicable.
Sebastian didn’t say another word as he high-tailed it down my walkway. I heard him mumble something to Marcus but wasn’t able to catch it. “Marcus please, can we go inside and discuss this?”
“Discuss what exactly? That I just saw you in the arms of your ex-boyfriend? Should I go to the nearest bar and order shots of tequila like you did? Because that sounds pretty fucking good to me right now.”
“That’s not fair,” I argued with him.
“No, you know what’s not fair?” he asked and stomped closer to me. “What’s not fair is that I just spent my evening holding my sobbing son after I told him about his mom. And you know what he wanted after that was all done? He wanted to see you! And then we pulled up here, and I see you hugging your fucking ex. So where in all of that is anything fair? Because I’d sure as hell like to know.”
He’d rendered me speechless. I felt like the world’s biggest jerk after his little tirade. “Can we go inside and talk about this. I owe you an explanation and don’t want to do it on my sidewalk,” I implored. “Please, Marcus.”
He stared me down and I held my breath while he deliberated. But finally he nodded and motioned for Jackson to get out of the car. I quickly unlocked the door, since I never got around to it earlier, and ushered them inside.
“Jackson, why don’t you go in the room at the end of the hall?” I suggested. “There’s a television in there and a gaming system you can play. Your dad and I need to talk.”
“Cool,” Jackson said before he walked down the hall.
Marcus stood in the middle of my living room looking extremely… lost. All I wanted to do was walk over to him and put my arms around him, but I couldn’t. Not until we got the situation with Sebastian straightened out.
“Marcus,” I said to finally break the silence. “I had no idea Sebastian was coming over here today. After school I ran a few errands and met up with my mom. After spending all of our evening talking about you and Jackson—with the promise you two will come by again for dinner—I came home and found him sitting on my front step.”
“That doesn’t explain why you were hugging him,” Marcus growled at me and crossed his arms over his chest.
“I was getting to that part,” I snapped back at him. I hated being in a position where I felt like I had to explain myself.
Marcus’s eyebrows shot to his hairline at my remark. “Fine.”
“Anyway, he wanted to see how I was doing. He did say he missed me, but after I let him know that I’m happy with someone else and thanked him for cheating on me, he wished me well, and gave me a hug goodbye. Then you pulled up.” I walked closer to him and looked at him, pleading “I swear to you, that’s all that happened.”
“I didn’t like that he touched you anymore than you liked that Rebecca touched me. All she did was touch my arm and you went ape shit. Imagine how I fucking felt just now?”
“Did you not hear a damn word I said?” I asked in frustration. “I told you what happened. He hugged me. We were together for two years, Marcus. And we were saying a goodbye so we could have some closure. I told him how fucking happy I am and how much I love you and he—” I lashed out before Marcus grabbed my face and crushed his mouth to mine, cutting off my words.
“What was that for?” I asked breathlessly when he pulled away.
“You said you love me.” He rested his forehead against mine.
Fuck. When was I going to stop screwing things up? “I did,” I said honestly. There was no point in denying it. “I do.”
Marcus kissed me again. This time it wasn’t nearly as bruising. Instead it was sweet, and conveyed way more than words what he was feeling.
“That’s great to hear,” he told me when he pulled back, and the look in his eyes took my breath away.
“Why’s that?” I asked softly.
“Because I love you too.” And sure enough, my heart started to soar, and this time it was me who pressed my mouth against his.
If it weren’t for Jackson coming out of the room complaining about being bored, I would have gladly stayed in the living room kissing the man I loved. There was something different when you kissed a person after a huge declaration like that. The act meant more. It felt like… more. It was everything. Marcus was my everything. And I never wanted that feeling to go away.
Chapter 29
Marcus
Finding out during an argument that the man you’re in love with, loved you as well, was kind of a crappy way to find out. But the makeup sex we had later that night, after Jackson went to bed, more than made up for it. Thank god, Anthony had gotten over his aversion to having sex with Jackson in the house. Otherwise, I would have gone crazy with the need I felt to be inside him again.
I had danced around my feelings about Anthony for weeks. Chalking the butterflies up to indigestion, and the reason I thought of him constantly was obviously due to the fact that we were still new. Those were plausible explanations, right? Because it was too soon to feel such strong emotions for someone after a few months. Wasn’t it? I was with Rebecca for years before I felt any semblance of love for her. And honestly, I think what I felt for her was a very strong like mixed with lust. Because what I felt for Anthony was on such a completely different level that words couldn’t even describe it. I wasn’t sure if love even described it.
But the minute I saw him wrapped around someone else, I saw red. I wanted to break those hands that had the nerve to touch Anthony. I wanted to rip those arms out of their sockets and beat the fucking guy with them. And
when I found out that person was Sebastian? I couldn’t take it. I had to fucking leave. But thankfully Anthony, that persistent little firecracker, refused to let me go. And when he yelled at me that he loved me, I couldn’t restrain myself. And I couldn’t hold back my feelings for him any longer.
“What did Sebastian say to you when he left the other day?” Anthony asked one night while we were sprawled out on my couch.
Jackson had reluctantly gone to go take his evening shower and get his clothes ready for school the next day. He hated having to go to bed while Anthony was still over, even after we reminded him he’d see Anthony at school. But his argument was that it wasn’t the same. At school he was Mr. A and he was teaching the entire class and giving him assignments. After hours he was Anthony, and Anthony was Jackson’s friend. And while Jackson’s arguments held some merit, he still had a bed time.
“He told me I’d better take good care of you and not fuck it up,” I answered him as I pulled his feet on my lap.
Anthony snorted and squirmed on the couch as he tried to get comfortable. “That’s rich coming from him.”
I ran my fingertips down his leg and up under his pant leg until I touched his calf. “Well, he might’ve fucked up,” I said and smiled as he shivered at my touch. I squeezed his leg, and then moved my hand down until I could grasp his foot. “But I sure as hell won’t.”
Anthony smiled warmly and then groaned as my thumb pressed into a spot on the bottom of his foot. “I’d certainly hope not. Especially if you give me foot rubs more often.”
“I’ll give them to you as often as you like,” I promised.
“How’d I get so lucky?” Anthony asked through another groan.
“I could ask myself the same thing.” I moved to the other foot.
Anthony locked his piercing blue eyes on mine and his face turned serious. “I love you.”
My face broke into a huge grin. “And I love you.”
Teaching Tenderness Page 15