Blind rage has consumed my brother as something inside me goes wild at the mention of Tessie’s son.
Moving to my knees, I grip Shep’s head in my lap. He twists, trying to pull away. Forcing his head between my knees, I hold him in place while using my thumbs to force his eyelids open.
“Look at me, fucker. Something given or exacted in punishment—retribution. This is yours. Vengeance is mine. You touched the wrong one,” I state, releasing his eyelids.
Picking his head up, I twist to the right until his neck breaks. Dropping his head with a thud to the ground, I roll back on my feet and hop up.
It is done.
Monster in Me
Tainted. Ruined. I am a black soul. Killing Shep won’t cause me to lose sleep tonight. He deserved what he got. Would Tessie see it that way, though? Would she have peace knowing her attacker won’t harm anyone else?
Stepping out of the cabin, I need fresh air. There is a part of me that is still unsatisfied. I want nothing more than to turn his body into an unrecognizable pile of skin and bones. However, mutilation of a dead man’s body is not my style or the Hellions. We aren’t assassins, we aren’t cold-blooded killers. When the club has to murder, it is in defense or as a punishment fitting the crime committed.
Bikers live by their own code, not by the laws of our judicial system. That is why I patched with the Hellions in the first place. They aren’t swayed in courts, a screwed up political system focused on one’s financial gain. The Hellions are a brotherhood, a family taking care of their own. Not one of our members is on any form of government assistance. We all have regular jobs, or we work for one of the club owned businesses. Every patched member pays dues annually to the club. When something goes to a vote, every vote counts equally, an officer does not carry more weight than a patched member. Officers carry more responsibility and get a larger cut of the club profits, yet they have no more pull in a vote than I do. Sure, they make decisions without a vote for the best interest of the club, but they have earned that when they were chosen for their positions.
Being a Hellion isn’t about a patch. I am a member of a brotherhood, a family. One that has each other’s backs, a family that stepped in and wouldn’t back down in seeking justice for an innocent woman.
Tessie should have never been in danger. Working at a bar doesn’t mean she is a whore. Sure, she was dressed somewhat provocatively, but the way a woman is dressed is in no way any indication she is available. It gives no man any right to assault her.
Today, Tessie and every other girl Shep has touched in his past were given justice. I would do it again in a heartbeat, too.
While Rex comes outside to stand beside me, Tripp and Kix are handling getting the message to Thorn. Lighting up a cigarette, I inhale the nicotine, trying to bring my adrenaline levels back down to normal. Rex stands beside me, blowing out his own smoke.
“Feels good to finally do something half way right by her,” Rex opens up to me.
“She’s a good woman, Rex,” I reply, unsure as to how to answer him or where he is going with this conversation.
I don’t know what to say to him about any of this. If he is waking up to what he had under him this whole time, where will that leave me? Where do I want to be left? Will my first kiss with her today be my very last? If Rex wants her, will he get her?
“Take care of her, Shooter.”
“What the fuck are you talkin’ about?” I question, my annoyance growing. He seriously won’t turn his back on them after laying eyes on his son, will he?
“She cares about you in a way she never did me. She’s comfortable with you in a way I never allowed her to be with me. I fucked it all up. Do you live with regrets, Shooter? Have you ever looked at your life and realized your choices ruined someone else?”
I only nod in agreement, not knowing where he is going with this.
“She was working at the bar because of me, but she had dreams, real damn dreams once. When I first laid eyes on her, she had this innocence to her. Not because she was a virgin, but this real innocence about life. She came from fuckin’ nothin’, but she worked hard and was gonna be a nurse. I don’t know if she told you that or not. She was goin’ to college, but her momma couldn’t afford that shit. So, Tessie got scholarships, got loans, and made it happen. She was innocent to life’s cold, harsh realities. She had dreams, though, and she was chasin’ that shit. I knew it. I shoulda left her alone, but no, selfish that fuck I am, I didn’t.” He takes a drag off his cigarette.
I look over at him as he stares off into the now night sky, continuing to smoke.
“Man, she always put me first, but she was nothin’ more than a convenient piece to me. She knew it and held onto hope for a long time. Then she said no more, but I didn’t believe her. I failed her on more than one occasion, and she lost everything because of me.”
“Rex, I don’t think she sees it that way. Axel is everything to her. He’s a damn good kid, too. A little too much like you sometimes, but still, she’s done right by him.” My body relaxes as I think of Tessie’s son, a boy that has awakened a part of me I never knew I had.
“I wanna get to know him.”
“He wants to get to know his dad.”
“Dad, fuck that sounds strange.”
He doesn’t have to say that twice. Tracie’s voice sounds in my head. “Dad, can you imagine, Andy? We could get married and have a baby. You could be a dad. Wouldn’t you like that? The Army can’t be forever, our baby would be, though.”
I shut her down that night. I even had the fuckin’ ring in the center console of my truck. I didn’t propose, though. Nope, I didn’t marry her or give her a baby. Instead, I crushed her.
“Tracie, I have a career. I can’t marry you until I know you can handle my life as a soldier. Damn, don’t cry. With what I do, having a family runs a risk. You could be used for leverage if I was ever captured. I need to know you are strong enough for this before we get married and add a kid to the mix.”
“See, Andy, you can’t give life. You are a black hole. A bottomless, heartless pit of hell inside. There is a monster inside you that doesn’t give life. No, Andy, you don’t believe in giving a life, saving a life. Just taking, that’s all you do. No, the boy I once knew is gone. The man in front of me just takes. You take my love, you take my sacrifice, and you take for granted that I can’t go on without you. In the name of your service, your duty, your country, you take lives. In the name of love, you won’t give that up for me, for our love, for our future. I have dreams, Andy. You killed my dreams.”
“You got this, brother. Tessie has raised him right, and she’ll want you to be around him. She just needs to explain it to him. But this is another hit for her, so let me talk to her and allow her time to prepare. I’m not saying it was right by you, but she hasn’t had it easy by any means, either,” I tell Rex, needing to stop my thoughts from continuing about Tracie.
“Make things easy for her for once, get home to them. We’ll handle the shit here; you go home and hold her close, take a burden off her mind. If she watched you leave, I know she’s worried about you right now.”
“It’s not like that with us, man,” I say, watching Rex be serious with me more than he ever has before.
“Then fuckin’ make it like that with y’all. Do you know she’s never asked me for one damn thing until she stepped in for you? She didn’t call me to pick her up when her car broke down. No, she called Doll. She’s never asked me for one fuckin’ thing until she was worried I was gonna beat you to death. I saw it in her eyes: you mean something to her that even I never did. She deserves good, brother. Give her good.”
Women’s intuition is a real bitch sometimes. My gut twists. I feel it in my bones. Shooter had this distant look in his eyes when he took the call. Emotions overwhelmed me. I can’t help feeling it was about Shep. He will never tell me, though; I know that. I feel it with every part of me and can’t deny it no matter what lie he may have to tell me.
There is this
darkness inside me, a monster within that wants them to find Shep and kill him. A painful death, too. Not a quick gunshot to the head; no, that would be too easy. I want him to feel fear. I hope they make the bastard hurt. Does that make me a horrible person? Possibly, but the fuck if I care. Mercy has never been a friend to me, so why should she shine her good graces down on Shep? The bastard should get what he deserves.
By the time Shooter comes home, I am hanging by a thread. I have needed him to be okay. I have needed him to come home and hold me. I have never needed the comforts of a man the way I do from him. He looks tired, like he has battled a war inside his mind.
“Baby, we need to talk.”
Those are four words no woman ever wants to hear. We need to talk never ends well.
Steeling myself, I prepare for him to send me away. Hell, if Shep is handled, there really is no reason for me to stay. I am so stupid. He left, took care of whatever, and now he can go back to his life without me, his life that wasn’t full of challenges and chaos at every turn.
“Talk,” I say. Might as well get it over with so I can go pack.
“I saw Rex tonight. He wants to see Axel.”
Tears pool in my eyes as I stop breathing for a moment. He wants to be a part of this. Was I wrong this entire time? Did I cost my son years without his dad? Is Shooter going to send me away because Rex wants something more with me? I am done with him and the back and forth game we played.
Rex can have time with his son, but he can’t have me. I want more from my man than he will ever be able to give me. In a relationship, I want the complete acceptance I have given Rex for all these years. I want the comfort, security, and unconditional caring that I have with Shooter. He has shown me in these months what it is to have someone who has your back without expectation. Rex can see his son, but beyond friendship there will be nothing more shared between us.
We have this weird dynamic. Without actually being together, Shooter has shown me what it is like to be in a healthy relationship - one based on caring, trust, and acceptance. These feelings I have for him have developed over time, and I don’t want to lose what Shooter and I share. I want it to grow. Every touch we share is with care and consideration.
I can’t let go of his kiss from earlier. Never have I kissed a man with such feeling inside me. Sure, I have been consumed by lust more times than I care to count with Rex, but kissing Shooter… I was consumed by passion and dare I say, love?
“Well, then,” I start to say.
Shooter takes me by the hand and leads me to the living room before I can finish my thought. Slowly, he sits down on the couch while I move to sit on the other end, only his arms wrap around my waist and he pulls me to his lap. Half lying on the couch, he pulls my back to his chest and lays me against him.
“He is in a good place with this,” Shooter begins, rubbing my arms gently up and down. “Relax, baby.”
“Have you ever made a decision and knew that there would never be a right answer? That’s how I feel about this. Rex deserved to know, but he wasn’t ready. Maybe if I had told him sooner, things would be different.”
“Do you want things to be different with Rex?” Shooter asks genuinely. There is no jealous tone, just honest concern for me.
“No. Shooter, I don’t. Sure, I shared my body with Rex, but he was never there for me like I want my partner in life to be. Yes, he would ask how I was, but real feelings… No, we didn’t share that. I thought for a time I wanted a relationship with him, yet that was an illusion based on my ideals of Rex, not the reality of the man. When I ended things, he didn’t fight to get me back. No, he tried the same lines, the same moves from before. When I held strong, refusing him, he wasn’t fazed. I don’t want him to hate me, but no, I don’t want things to be different with Rex.”
“I want you, Tessie. You gotta know, though, there is a monster inside me. I’m plagued with the shadow of death. I’ve done things, and honestly, I wouldn’t take a lot of them back. There was a reason for each circumstance but one. You gotta know, that one was a senseless loss, a selfish and unnecessary loss; one that was on my hands.” There is a distance in his voice, a sadness that is haunting.
“Shooter, tell me. Tell me about the one that haunts your dreams. You know mine, share this with me. You carry so many of my burdens, let me handle half the load you carry.”
“Baby—” he starts, but I cut him off.
“I know you can’t tell me club stuff. I know you’re an ex-Army sniper. But what causes you to twist and turn at night? It’s in your past and keeping you from your future.”
“I don’t talk about things that can’t be changed. This can’t ever be changed. Baby, I’m not a good man.”
Turning in his lap, I lay on my side, careful to not put a bunch of pressure on his still sensitive ribs. Reaching up, I run my hand through his hair as something nags inside me to get this out of him. Whatever is in his past is the only obstacle standing between us and our future together.
“Perception is sometimes skewed when you are too close to a situation. Tell me, Shooter. Share your darkest hour with me. Let me face your demons with you,” I plead, feeling the need to be strong for him and help him through this.
“Her name was Tracie,” he begins, and my heart breaks for him as he tells me about the love he once shared.
Consume Me No More
“Shooter, you were young. You couldn’t have known she was in such a dark place in her mind.”
“Age doesn’t matter. She loved me. I took her every dream away without giving it a second thought.”
“Haven’t we all been selfish at that age? Everyone is. I was. It didn’t matter that Mom was sick and working two jobs to help me at college. I was chasing dreams. Tunnel vision gets us all at some point. You were focused on having a career. Very few eighteen-year-old boys know what they want to do and go after it; but you did, and she wasn’t ready to handle that. Some people can’t take change, and you were in a situation of constant change. Shooter, you can’t blame yourself for her shortcomings.”
His eyes watch me carefully. It is evident he has never talked about this with anyone. He has never allowed himself to see beyond Tracie’s words.
Deciding to be brave, I move up and brush my lips against his gently. Breathing in, I take his bottom lip between my own and suck. His hands come up my sides as he kisses me back. Passion ignites, and I want so much more from this man. Pulling away, I watch as his eyes dance with lust and an emotion I can’t read.
“Let go of her hold on you. Depression can easily consume someone. It’s the darkness you can’t escape, the silence that is so deafening. I heard you whisper to me in the night once. You know, about it. She was trapped in what she wanted and couldn’t have, not seeing the blessings she held in her hands. You’re an amazing man, Andy Jenkins, but you can’t save the world. You can’t pull someone out if they don’t grab onto the hand being extended.”
“Baby—”I cut him off with another kiss.
“You saved me when I was in the darkness. You held me how many nights, to remind me I wasn’t alone? You are my light. You are my strength when I have none left inside. When my mind was consumed by thoughts of that night, you helped me find my way out. Shep consumes me no more because of you. Let go of the hold she has on you.”
His eyes dance with a need I can’t read. Cupping his face in both of my hands, I kiss him again, deciding to hold nothing back. Our tongues tangle as I run my hands up into his hair.
Moving over him, I lay my chest to his and feel him hardening under me as his hands roam the curves of my ass. I could kiss him for a lifetime and still feel like it is not enough.
His hand comes up under my top, running along my spine. When he brings his hands up my sides, his thumbs run under the curves of my small breasts. I pause momentarily at the contact. He tenses under me, causing me to pull away.
“Baby, you okay?” he asks. His eyes are glazed over in lust, yet he is concerned for me.
“Yes. My
mind went back to it…to him for a split second, that’s all. You can’t take it away. It happened, but I’m ready to move past it… with you.”
Leaning up, I remove my cami pajama top, exposing my buds to him. I have never been large, except when I was pregnant with Axel. I have always been a B cup.
Shooter’s large hands easily cover my breasts, causing me to shudder at the contact. It has been so long since I have allowed myself to relax and feel pleasure in my body again.
I drop my head down and kiss Shooter again as he squeezes my breasts, causing me to moan as my panties dampen with desire. I need this. I need him.
Rocking my hips against his erection, I seek friction. He feels so good, so large, so all consuming.
Pulling away, I tug his shirt up and over his head, wanting to feel him skin on skin. His lips get tight as I forget about his ribs. Shifting, I can tell he is uncomfortable. He has one leg off the couch and uses it to slide himself farther upright into the corner of the arm of the couch. When he does, it moves me to straddle him.
As his jean clad erection hits my sweet spot, I rock my hips as I crash my lips to his, no longer caring to be gentle. Moving, I kiss his neck, nipping at his earlobe.
His hands roam my exposed skin, snaking down to my shorts. When he cups my ass, I grind into him, wanting more as lust takes over. He kneads my ass as I continue to dry hump him, unable to stop myself from wanting more. As his fingers brush along my pussy, I moan.
“Axel,” he whispers. “What room is Axel in?”
Pulling back, I stop moving and look in Shooter’s eyes. Is he trying to kill my libido? Does he not want me? His rigid cock makes it evident he wants to fuck, but maybe it’s not me he wants.
Lifting up to sit on him, I cover my breasts with my arms, feeling my embarrassment creep up.
“My mom’s room,” I reply, not wanting to admit that I sent my son to sleep in her room because I wasn’t going to be sleeping without Shooter being home. No way am I ready to admit my feelings for him. No way can I tell him that I depend on him. Can I?
Merciless Ride Page 11