When I get home I watch TV, then do the reading that was assigned for class tomorrow. But I find it difficult to concentrate because I can’t stop thinking about Pearce. I’m sure he has this affect on all women, not just me. He’s smart, sophisticated, and extremely handsome.
I use that excuse the next day as well to explain why he’s still in my head. It’s not just his appearance I keep thinking about, but also his demeanor. In our short encounter, he came off as being very confident, yet not in an arrogant way. It’s more like he knows what he wants and goes after it, which I find to be very sexy. He kept his eyes on me the entire time we talked, while my eyes kept wandering away from his. Maybe that’s why my heart beat so fast around him. Maybe he made me nervous, staring at me like that.
I take his card out and get the urge to call him. But what would I say? He’s probably already forgotten about me. And why would I call him? It’s not like I’d ask him out. If I did, he’d probably say no. A guy as good looking as him is probably already dating someone. Besides, I’m not looking for a boyfriend. Even though it’s been over a year since Adam and I broke up, I’m not ready for another relationship. Not yet. Maybe not ever.
The week goes by and my classes get busier as the professors give out more assignments, including a group project I have to do with five other people. I don’t like group projects but they’re common in graduate school. The professors like to force us to work with our classmates but it’s nearly impossible to find a time we can all meet outside of class. We have our first meeting on Sunday but one person doesn’t show up. I’m already dreading this group project.
It’s now been seven days since I went to that lecture at Yale and I’m still thinking about Pearce. I have no idea why. I have so much stuff going on I shouldn’t be wasting time thinking about a guy I’ll never see again. But my mind just keeps imagining those steely blue eyes, those broad shoulders, that deep voice, that confident demeanor. It gets me all worked up to the point I can’t think straight.
I haven’t told Shelby about him. I don’t want her thinking I’m one of those girls who becomes obsessed with a guy, especially a guy I met one time and haven’t spoken to since. Even so, I’m dying to tell her about him. Maybe if I do, he’ll finally get out of my head.
I’m going over to Shelby’s place for dinner tonight. I like spending time with her. She’s funny but also sweet, in her own unique way. She tries to pretend she’s tough but she’s really not. I think she does the tough act because she’s been hurt in the past.
We’re becoming good friends, but not good enough that she’ll tell me what’s going on with her. We’ve been hanging out together every night but she keeps doing that thing where she gets up and leaves suddenly.
I’ve asked her repeatedly if she has a boyfriend and she keeps saying she doesn’t. She won’t tell me anything about her exes, either. Whenever the topic comes up, she changes the subject. I’m wondering if maybe she really does have a boyfriend and that’s who keeps paging her every night. But why wouldn’t she tell me that? Maybe it’s not a good relationship. She always seems nervous when her pager goes off. Maybe the guy is controlling or abusive and she feels like she can’t leave him. I hope that’s not true. But the way she gets that panicked look and drops everything and leaves whenever her pager goes off makes me think that’s what’s going on.
I haven’t pushed her to talk about it because I haven’t told her about my own dating history so it’s not really fair to force her to talk about hers. But I’m worried about her. If she’s in danger I want to help her, but I can’t do that if she doesn’t tell me the truth. Maybe if I tell her about me she’ll open up and tell me who keeps paging her and why she leaves almost every night.
At 6:30 I knock on Shelby’s door. When she opens it I toss her a package of hotdogs to go with the mac and cheese she’s making. It’s the only meal either one of us can afford right now. I need to get another job. I don’t get enough hours at the museum to make enough money to pay my bills. I saw a help wanted sign at the grocery store. I might go fill out an application.
“Hey.” Shelby smiles and hands me a beer.
“We’re drinking tonight?” I sit on the stool next to the high counter that’s attached to the kitchen island.
“We’re celebrating.” She swigs her beer as she stirs the pasta in the pot of boiling water. She’s wearing a tank top and her usual very short shorts. I wish she’d cover up more. I’ve seen guys on the street outside our apartment staring at her and it makes me worried for her safety, especially since she’s always going out at night.
“What are we celebrating?” I ask, sipping my beer.
She shrugs. “I don’t know. I just felt like having a beer and I knew Miss Wholesome wouldn’t want to drink in the middle of the week unless we’re celebrating something.”
“Just because I don’t drink during the week doesn’t mean you can’t. Alcohol just makes me tired and I can’t be tired during the week. I have too much to do.”
She grabs a box of cheese crackers from the cupboard and sets them down between us. She opens the box and pours some out on the counter. “Appetizers.” She pops a few in her mouth. “Now what should we celebrate? Make something up.”
I take another drink of my beer, then smile. “Okay, this is totally stupid, and not really anything to celebrate, but…”
I shouldn’t tell her this. I’m embarrassed to admit I’ve been obsessed with some guy for the past week.
“But what?” She pops some more crackers in her mouth. “Spill it, Rachel. I can tell you’re dying to say whatever it is you’re about to say.”
I’m still smiling. I smile whenever I think about Pearce. It’s so pathetic. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.
“I met a guy last week,” I say, my eyes on the crackers. I pick one up and eat it.
“Rachel!” She reaches over and kiddingly shoves my shoulder back. “You’ve been going out with some guy and you didn’t tell me?”
“I’m not going out with him. That’s why it’s stupid to even talk about. But the thing is, I can’t stop thinking about him and it’s driving me crazy. I figured if I told someone about him, maybe I could get him out of my head.”
“What’s he look like?”
“He’s hot. Really hot. As in the hottest guy I’ve ever seen. Guy’s not even the right word. He’s a man. All man. One hundred percent man. Tall. Dark hair. Steely blue eyes. Really deep voice.”
She drags me to the living room to sit down with her on the couch. “Where did you meet this guy? I mean, man?”
“He was at Yale last week giving a speech as part of a lecture series at the school of business.”
“And you went to the speech? You go to Hirshfield.”
“Anyone can go to the lecture series. It’s open to the public. I didn’t plan on going. I was only there because it was a nice day out so I walked over to the Yale campus to eat my lunch.”
“I thought you were a history major.”
“I am, but I had some time to kill and saw this poster about the lecture series when I was walking past the business building so I decided to stop by and check it out. But I misread the time on the poster and ended up walking in fifteen minutes late, right in the middle of his speech. I was mortified.”
“So this guy was the speaker? So how did you meet him?”
“We were both leaving the lecture hall at the same time and he held the door open for me and followed me out. Then he asked if I was a business major and we talked for a couple minutes. I was so nervous. I don’t even remember what I said to him.”
“Why were you nervous?”
“If you saw this man, you’d understand. He’s the type of man women go speechless around. And he smelled good. I don’t know what cologne he wears, but he smelled amazing.”
“Did you ask him out?”
I look at her like she’s lost her mind. “No, I didn’t ask him out.”
“Why not? He seems to get your panties wet just talkin
g about him.”
“Shelby! Must you be so crude?”
She laughs. “Yes. I must. My crude comments balance out your wholesomeness.” She smiles at me. “So does he?”
“Does he what?”
“Make your panties wet?” She can barely hold in her laughter.
“Stop saying that!” I feel my cheeks blushing as I laugh.
“Okay, I’ll stop. But you need to ask this guy out.”
“Even if I wanted to, I don’t know if I could. I’ve never asked a guy out. It seems kind of forward.”
She rolls her eyes. “This isn’t 1950, Rachel. It’s the Nineties. Girls ask guys out all the time.”
A loud sizzling noise comes from the kitchen. We both jump up from the couch.
“The pasta!” She runs back to the stove and turns the burner off. “Good enough. I’m sure it’s cooked.”
“You need some help?”
“No, I’ve got it.” She drains the pasta in a colander in the sink. “Going back to this guy, I think you should ask him out.”
I sit on the barstool and grab some crackers. “I’m not asking him out.”
“Why not? It sounds like you have some serious chemistry with him.”
“He’s not interested in me that way. I’m sure he has a girlfriend, or maybe several. A man like him could have any woman. He probably only dates models or actresses. He’s not only hot, but he’s also wealthy and somewhat famous in the business world.”
“So you think you’re not good enough for him?”
“It’s not that. It’s just that I’m not glamorous like the women he normally dates, who wear expensive clothes and jewelry and get their hair done at expensive salons.”
“How do you know what type of women he dates?”
“I don’t. I’m just—”
“Making assumptions when you shouldn’t be. Just because he’s rich and super hot doesn’t mean he wouldn’t go out with you. And besides, why should only rich girls get to date guys like him? We should all get a chance. I say go for it.”
The mac and cheese is done now and she’s divided it onto two plates. She forgot the hotdogs but that’s okay. We’ll have them some other night.
She sets our plates down on the counter, grabs some forks, and comes around to sit on the stool next to mine.
“So what do you think?” She hands me a fork.
“I haven’t tried it yet but I’m sure it’s good.”
“Not about the mac and cheese. About this guy you met. Are you going to ask him out?”
I laugh. “No. I met him one time. And we talked for like two minutes.”
“But you’re still thinking about him. That has to mean something, right?”
“It means he’s hot. That’s it. Besides, I’m not looking for a boyfriend.” I regret saying it. Now she’s going to ask why.
She reaches over for the paper towels and rips two from the roll. She sets one next to me and takes the other one for herself. “Why don’t you want a boyfriend? Are you trying to get over someone? I thought your last serious relationship was over a year ago.”
“It was. It’s just…” I move my pasta around on my plate. “Something happened during my last relationship and I’m not quite over it yet.”
She turns to face me. “What happened?”
I set my fork down. “It’s hard to talk about.”
And yet I want to. I need to talk about it. I talked to a counselor after it happened but that didn’t help. The counselor was an older man, and although he was nice, he didn’t understand what I was going through. The doctor didn’t help either. He just used medical jargon which made the whole thing clinical and impersonal.
“You can tell me, Rachel.” She’s watching me, concern in her eyes. “Whatever happened, you can tell me. I’m a really good listener.”
My gaze drops to the counter. “In my senior year of college…I got pregnant.”
CHAPTER SIX
6
RACHEL
“Oh.” Shelby speaks softly. “So you gave the baby up?”
“No.” I squeeze my eyes shut as a tear escapes. “I lost it. Ten weeks into the pregnancy.”
“I’m sorry,” I hear her say.
I open my eyes, wiping the wetness away. “There’s more. I didn’t just lose the baby. I—” I swallow hard and take a breath.
“What is it, Rachel?”
“After I lost it, my doctor ran all these tests and found out that I…that I can’t have children.”
She hesitates, then says, “I don’t understand. You just said you were pregnant.”
“He said I can get pregnant. I just can’t carry a baby to term.” More tears run down my cheeks. I haven’t cried about this for months. I try not to think about it, because when I do, this is what happens. I’m filled with this overwhelming sadness and loss for what I’ll never have. I love children and I wanted at least two or three of my own, so to be told it’ll never happen was devastating.
Shelby gently rubs my arm. “Maybe the doctor was wrong. Doctors are wrong all the time. Like on the news, I’ve seen people who were in car accidents and the doctor tells them they’ll never walk again but then they do.”
I nod. “I know. And I’ve thought about getting a second opinion but I haven’t been able to do it yet. I’m afraid another doctor will tell me the same thing and I don’t want to hear it. I’m not ready to.”
She lowers her hand back to her side. “What did your boyfriend say when it happened? I mean, when you lost the baby.”
“He was sad. When we found out I was pregnant, I was six weeks along. After the shock wore off, we were both excited about it. We started preparing for it. We even got engaged a few days after we found out. I wasn’t ready to get married but I felt like I should. Like it was the right thing to do. Our parents expected us to get married, and so did everyone else we knew. Adam and I grew up together. We went to the same church. Our families are friends. It’s a small town with conservative values. We didn’t really have a choice but to get engaged.”
“So you didn’t want to marry him?”
“No. He was okay as a boyfriend, but I didn’t want him as my husband. I didn’t want to get married. I’d already applied to graduate schools. I’d planned to move away in the fall. I wasn’t even thinking about marriage. Adam and I were just dating. It wasn’t anything serious. We went to the same college. We started going out the summer before our senior year and when we went back to campus in the fall, we just continued dating for the rest of the school year. We never talked about marriage and he knew I planned to go to graduate school. Then in May, two weeks before graduation, I found out I was pregnant. We weren’t being careful and it just happened.”
“And he broke up with you after you lost the baby?”
“No.” I get up and walk to the living room, my back to her. “He broke up with me when he found out I can’t have children.” My voice cracks and more tears slip down my cheek.
Shelby comes over, putting her arm around me and leading me to the couch to sit down. She doesn’t say anything. She’s probably not sure what to say. This is awkward to talk about and she probably doesn’t want to. We usually joke around and have fun. We don’t talk about the serious stuff. And maybe I should’ve kept it that way. But it’s too late now.
I wipe my face and fake a smile. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to break down like that.” I motion to the kitchen. “Let’s go finish dinner.”
Shelby has a sad look on her face. “I’m sorry, Rachel. I’m not very good at this. I never know the right thing to say.” She smiles a little. “What I want to say is that your ex is a total jackass, dumping you like that. I just wasn’t sure if I should say that because I don’t know if you still have feelings for him.”
I shake my head. “I don’t have feelings for him. I used to, but I don’t now. I’m just glad I didn’t end up marrying him. It would’ve been a mistake.”
“Did he want to get married? Or was he only doing it because of the bab
y?”
“He wanted to get married. He told me he bought the engagement ring a month before we found out about the pregnancy. He was going to propose in June and wanted to get married a year later. He had it all planned out and thought I felt the same way and wanted the same thing. He never even bothered to ask. He just assumed I’d forget about graduate school and give up my dreams and marry him.” I pause. “When we lost the baby and found out I couldn’t have children, Adam said he needed time to think. We didn’t talk for a week, and when I saw him again, I was going to tell him the engagement was off. I knew I didn’t want to marry him. But before I could tell him, he called off the engagement himself, telling me he couldn’t marry someone who can’t have children.”
Tears run down my face but I quickly wipe them away and try to smile. “Anyway, that’s why I haven’t dated much the past year. I’m not ready to get into another relationship. I don’t know if I want to. What’s the point?”
“What do you mean?”
“Every guy wants children someday, and I can’t give him that. If I get serious with a guy, I’ll have to tell him this, and then he’ll break up with me, just like Adam did.”
“Rachel, that’s not true. First of all, you need to get a second opinion so you know for sure whether or not you can have kids. And even if the results are the same, doctors are always finding new ways to treat stuff. By the time you’re ready to have kids, maybe they can do something so that you can have them.”
“Maybe.” I smile at her, because she’s trying so hard to make me feel better.
“And as for guys, not every guy wants kids. And if a guy really loves you, he won’t care about the kid thing.”
“I wish that were true, but I don’t think it is.” I gaze down at the floor. “Adam said he loved me. And he left me after he found out.”
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