Especially after kissing her.
John’s leg had been killing him when they got home from the restaurant, so Gretchen suggested watching a movie on the couch so he could rest. John couldn’t even remember what the movie was about. Lying next to her on the couch for two hours was torture. All he wanted to do was run his hands over her skin and trace his lips over her body.
As comfortable as they were with each other, he had the feeling a few kisses at dinner didn’t mean she was ready to jump into making out on her couch. Holding back wasn't easy, but she looked so peaceful just being in his arms that John didn’t want to ruin the moment. Plus, as much as he wanted to rush ahead, part of him was terrified of it as well. There was something about the strange pain from the previous night he couldn’t stop worrying about. The more he thought about it, the more certain he was he had seen a face among the flashes of light, one that didn’t belong in the restaurant.
“So, are you going to answer me sometime today?” Gretchen asked.
How exactly was John supposed to answer her? “I, uh…” Everything that came to mind sounded terrible. I was just joking, made it sound like he didn’t want her to think of him as her boyfriend, but Yes, I desperately want to be your boyfriend, sounded pathetic and might scare her if she wasn't feeling the same way. Why did he even bring it up?
“I’ve been thinking about it,” John finally said.
Gretchen nodded slowly. “How much?”
“A lot.”
“Since when?” she asked.
“Pretty much since I woke up,” John said. A smile slipped through Gretchen’s thoughtful expression for a brief second.
Taking both his hands, Gretchen looked over at him, her face serious, but there was a hint of pleasure there as well. “John, I understand you don’t have a ton of relationship experience at this point, but I just want to make sure you understand real life isn’t like some of the movies we’ve watched. One kiss doesn’t mean everything will work out perfectly.”
“I get that, Gretchen, I do. Things have been going pretty well so far, haven’t they?” he asked.
“Yes, but …” She trailed off, leaving him hanging.
“I’m not trying to push you into anything,” John said quickly. Did she really not want to move forward? “It’s just been on my mind, and kind of slipped out, I guess. I’m not asking you to decide right now. I’m sorry I brought it up.”
Grabbing his plate, John limped over to the sink and dropped it in. He didn’t like to leave dirty dishes, but he wanted to get out of the kitchen. He felt like an idiot. John made it to the doorway before Gretchen’s voice stopped him.
“John, wait.”
He stopped but didn’t turn back.
Gretchen’s arms wrapped around his waist as she laid her head against his back. “I’m sorry, John, I didn’t mean to push you away. You just took me by surprise. I wasn't expecting to have this conversation quite so soon, but I’m glad you brought it up.”
Now he turned to face her. “You are? You weren’t acting like it.”
“I’m glad we’re talking about it, but that doesn’t mean I’m not scared,” she said. “It’s a big step. It will only make things harder if…”
John had been expecting that. Even though they both decided weeks ago that they were taking a risk, one they thought was worth it, the admission didn’t take away the fear. John was terrified of hurting or losing Gretchen, but he was terrified of living without her, too.
All John could say to her was, “I know.”
The image of the woman’s face he might or might not have seen the previous night darted through his thoughts. He worried there was something to be afraid of even more than Gretchen knew, but he couldn’t let that stop him. He wanted her. He needed her in a way that had nothing to do with a place to live.
“Gretchen, I know we’ve done all of this a little backward, moving in together before we even knew each other, but despite that, I think we’ve done pretty well,” he said. Gretchen smiled, but she didn’t look convinced. “How often do we fight? And I mean real fights, not you getting mad about clothes on the floor or plates and cups in the living room.”
“When do I complain about that?” she said. “I knew you couldn’t clean up very well with your casts on. Now, of course…” She was serious, but there was some teasing in there too. John was gaining some ground.
“Do I treat you right? Have I ever made you feel like you weren’t the most amazing person I know?” John asked. He knew she would have a hard time arguing with him there. He pretty much worshipped her.
Gretchen didn’t disagree. “You treat me too well,” she said, her smile growing.
Bringing his hands up to the sides of Gretchen’s face, relishing the lack of cast so he could finally do so properly, John held her so she was looking right at him. “Do you want me to be part of your life?” He asked, no hint of teasing or joking in his voice. This was what he really needed to know.
“Of course I do,” she said without hesitation.
“Then why are you shying away from the word boyfriend?” he asked.
“I …” She ducked her head and pressed herself against John’s chest. Then without looking up at him, she said, “I’m just afraid that as soon as I admit to myself that our relationship is really going somewhere, that’s when it’s going to happen. That’s when it will all end.”
“Gretchen, that doesn’t make any sense,” John complained.
“You don’t understand, John. You’re coming into this with no baggage, no past hurts or failed relationships. Maybe you did have bad breakups or crazy girlfriends, but you don’t remember them,” she said. “I would never say you were lucky because of what happened to you, but I would love to have my memories of Steve ripped out of my mind.
“We were together for two years. I had convinced myself he loved me, and I was so sure he was planning on proposing to me after graduation. I had been through some good and bad, but short relationships before Steve. I thought it was different with him, special. Everything seemed so perfect. We were almost done with college, ready to start our adult life together. I remember telling a friend how my life felt so complete, how I was happier than I ever thought I could be, and a few days later, everything fell apart.
“I’m afraid that as soon as I let myself admit you aren’t here because you need my help, but because I want you here, something will take you away from me. I want to keep that moment at bay as long as possible,” Gretchen said, her breath finally running out.
As if her words had been holding back her tears, as soon as she stopped talking they began flowing down her cheeks. Instantly, John pressed her against him and tried to soothe her, running his hand down her hair to her back until she stopped crying.
“Gretchen, I can’t make you any promises about the future. We both know how uncertain that is right now, but I can promise you I will do everything I can to make you happy and I will never purposely hurt you,” John said.
He wanted to promise her more, promise her everything, but he wasn’t going to lie. He couldn’t tell her he would never leave. There were things that might force him to go eventually. Hope that he would never face any of those situations kept him from even bringing them up. They both knew what they were.
“Now that my casts are off, I can get a job, and move out if I want to,” John said. “I can fend for myself now. I don’t need your help anymore. But I do need you. I don’t want to leave.”
John wanted to add one more sentence to that, but with how she reacted to the idea of him being her boyfriend, he thought that adding to what he’d already said would only push her away even more. That discussion would have to wait for a better time.
“I don’t want you to leave either, John,” Gretchen said. “I don’t know what I would do with myself if you left, although I’m pretty sure I would starve to death without you here to cook for me every day.” Her teasing tone gave John hope. Was she warming to the idea, or at least thinking about it without wan
ting to panic?
Gretchen took a deep breath. There was still a little uncertainty in her eyes, but she was smiling when she said, “John, I would love to call you my boyfriend.”
Cocking one eyebrow, John waited. He watched to see if her smile was going to slip back into that fearful frown. Instead, peace settled over her and her smile grew. Still, he couldn’t help but ask.
“Gretchen, are you sure? I wasn’t trying to push you into anything. I just wanted to know what you thought about the idea,” John said.
“I’m sure,” Gretchen said, “and actually, this makes it the perfect time to mention that my parents called yesterday at lunch. They want to meet you and asked if they could come down to visit next weekend.”
Now it was John’s turn to panic.
Chapter Twenty-Three
Invitation
For some strange reason, Gretchen thought having a party with all her friends would make meeting her parents easier for John. Now she sat at the kitchen table with a stack of invitations wondering what on earth she had been thinking. John had actually been pretty excited about the idea. He had asked about meeting some of Gretchen’s friends a while ago, but she thought he liked the idea of a party because that meant there would be more people around to distract her parents.
Sitting next to Gretchen at the table, John was busy planning the menu for the party while she was addressing envelopes. Luckily, all she needed were first names. Pretty much everyone she knew in town were people she worked with, people she lived near, or the nurses at the hospital. She would slip the invitations for her co-workers into their mailboxes at work and John was going to drop off the nurses’ invitations at his physical therapy appointment the next day.
Of the three sets of neighbors she knew well enough to invite, Gretchen was actually only inviting one of them. Two were elderly and didn’t go out after dark, the other was a young family with a baby they routinely put to bed by eight o’clock every night, and then there was Carl. Gretchen finished writing his name and sat staring at the envelope.
John noticed her stupor and looked over at her. “Carl? Really?” he asked.
“I know,” she said.
“Is that really a good idea? The guy doesn’t seem to like me very much.”
“It’s not you he doesn’t like. It’s any guy that isn’t him,” Gretchen said. “I want him to get to know you. Maybe if he actually meets you he’ll realize how crazy he’s being about this situation.”
“I seriously doubt it. I don’t think guys work like that.” John set his notepad down. “Best case scenario, Carl refuses to come and watch you parade around your new boyfriend for all your friends. Worst case, he actually comes and I end up back in a cast.”
Rolling her eyes, Gretchen picked the envelope up off the table. “You are so dramatic. Carl knows how to behave himself.”
John grimaced. “I only have about two months of memories and some movies to go off, but I think I understand guys a little better than you do. Carl is not going to want to come, and if he does, I don’t want him to come. For my own safety.”
Gretchen rolled her eyes. “The only thing Carl is going to be upset about is if we don’t invite him. He’s a good friend, John. He’ll be offended if we don’t invite him.”
“It’s your call,” John said with a shrug. “But if he tries to kill me, it’s on your head.” He tried to keep a straight face as he said that last part, but he didn’t do a very good job of it.
Gretchen pushed away from the table, invitation in hand, and stood up. “I’ll be back in a few minutes.”
“Do you want me to take it?” John asked. Now he was being serious, worry clouding his expression.
“No, thank you,” Gretchen said. She argued with John about inviting Carl, but she was a little worried about her hulking neighbor. Meeting John in front of her parents would keep Carl on his best behavior. Gretchen knew he would be hoping that on the off chance John took off, he would have already made a good impression on her parents, just in case he got his chance to try and seduce her afterward. There was no way Gretchen wanted John and Carl facing off without a house full of witness. She was pretty sure he would behave himself.
“I’ll be right back,” she said, and walked out of the house.
***
Gretchen’s nerves had her repeatedly tapping the invitation against her leg as she approached Carl’s front door. It took her a few seconds before she could bring herself to ring the doorbell. She was probably interrupting a basketball game, but Carl was at the door in less than ten seconds. Pulling it open with a smile, Carl pulled Gretchen into a bear hug before she could react.
She was really glad John couldn’t see Carl’s front porch from the house.
“Hey, Carl,” she said, her voice muffled by his chest.
Carl pulled back, but kept one arm around her shoulder. She should have shrugged it off, but she wanted to keep him in a good mood. “What are you up to? You want to come in?” Carl asked.
Gretchen hesitated.
Looking incredibly smug, Carl squeezed her shoulders. “We’re just friends, right? Come in for a minute. I haven’t gotten to talk to you very much lately.”
“Okay, Carl, but just for a few minutes,” Gretchen said.
Carl clapped her on the shoulder in an overly friendly manner and held the door open for her. Gretchen followed him in and took her customary place on the couch. Sinking into the overstuffed cushions, she let herself relax a little. She loved this couch. Gretchen wasn't all that interested in sports, but she loved watching games with him. She’d forgotten how comfortable she felt here.
“So who’s winning?” Gretchen asked.
Carl groaned. “Not the Nuggets.”
“Again? I thought they were doing better this year,” she said.
“They were until about three weeks ago. Now they can’t win a game to save their lives. You’ve rescued me from having to finish watching this,” Carl said. He left the TV on, though. He complained every time his favorite teams lost, but he couldn’t make himself stop watching. He didn’t really want to. The bad games only made the good ones that much better.
“Maybe they’ll snap out of it,” she offered.
“Maybe.” Carl’s thoughts weren’t on the game. Not with the way he was watching Gretchen. “So, Gretchen, what brings you over here today? You haven’t just stopped by to talk since your lost puppy came home.”
This might be harder than she thought. “Carl,” Gretchen said warningly.
He just shrugged. “I know you’re not here to watch the Nuggets lose. What’s going on?”
“My parents are coming to visit next weekend,” she said.
“I thought they weren’t coming until school was out,” Carl said.
Talking with Carl felt nice. In the face of everything that had been going on over the last few months, Gretchen hadn’t realized how much she missed him. She didn’t have to stop and explain things to him every time they talked. Explaining her past to him had been taken care of ages ago.
“They weren’t, but I guess a friend of my parents has a kid getting married next week in Phoenix. My parents are going down for the wedding and wanted to stop by for a visit on the way,” she said.
“So what’s that for?” Carl asked, pointing to the invitation.
“I’m having a party to introduce my parents to all my friends.” Gretchen watched for Carl’s response.
He rubbed his chin thoughtfully for a second. “You mean you’re having a party to introduce your friends and your parents to John.”
“That’s part of it. My mom and dad do want to meet John, but they want to meet you, too,” Gretchen said. It was the truth. Her mom had been bugging her about Carl for months. “I’ve told them a lot about you.”
Carl scoffed, but it was true. Before meeting John, Gretchen’s weekly conversations with her parents consisted of her telling them about her job and what she did with Carl. Gretchen’s mom didn’t understand why she hadn’t tried dating C
arl any more than he did. Why was Gretchen the only one who got it? Beside the fact that her mom was dying to meet John, she had specifically asked to meet Carl as well. Gretchen didn’t bother mentioning that part of their conversation to John.
“How are things going between you and John?” Carl asked.
Gretchen knew he would ask, but still dreaded having to answer him. She wanted to lie, but wouldn’t do that to Carl. “We’re dating now,” she said.
Carl seemed to expect that, but his face still saddened at the news. Gretchen felt guilty even though she had no reason to. He knew how she felt. Expecting her to turn another man down just so she wouldn’t hurt his feelings would be ridiculous. Gretchen knew Carl understood that, but didn’t make it any easier for him to hear. Had she made a mistake in coming over to his house?
“Okay,” Carl said suddenly, “I’ll come. When is it?”
Blinking in surprise, Gretchen didn’t respond for a few seconds. “It’s Saturday night at eight,” she said. “Are you sure?”
“Of course. I wouldn’t miss it,” Carl said. The pleased smile on his face made her wary.
“Why?” she asked.
“I’m not going to miss a chance to show your parents what a great guy I am. Plus this will give me a chance to really get to know Coma Guy first hand. I’m pretty sure you’ve been hiding him from me so far,” Carl said. “I’m very curious about him.”
“I haven’t been hiding John from you. He’s been in a cast. It’s not like it’s exactly easy to get around with a broken arm and leg and crutches,” she argued. It was a pretty weak argument. Gretchen had totally been hiding John from Carl.
“Well, either way, there won’t be anywhere to hide Saturday.” Getting up from his recliner, Carl sat down on the couch next to Gretchen. His arm fell around her shoulders, squeezing her before she had the chance to wriggle free. “Your parents are going to love me. Maybe they’ll even help me convince you to ditch good ol’ John and give me a chance.”
Memory's Edge: Part One Page 12