‘And it looks like the action is hotting up on the field,’ announced Flip, who didn’t seem to question or care what he commentated on, as long as he was commentating. ‘It’s Karl “The Boa” Constrictor versus Mr “Giant Banana” Brainfright. The Boa’s got the Banana in a tight squeeze, a ferocious squeeze, and I’m not sure what the Banana’s got to match that.’
A large crowd had gathered.
Mr Brainfright was doing his best to escape, but he was helpless in his banana suit.
Fred and Clive were at the front, thrilled at having a ringside seat to see their hero in full squeezing mode.
David was pointing to his handbook. ‘This is definitely against the rules!’
But the only response was from Chomp, who lunged at David, snatched the book out of his hands, and swallowed it whole.
‘Somebody stop him!’ said Jenny.
‘It’s too late!’ said David. ‘He’s already swallowed it!’
‘Not Chomp, you idiot!’ said Jenny. ‘Mr Constrictor! He’s killing Mr Brainfright!’
48
Squashed banana
Jenny was right. Mr Brainfright was making a sound unlike any banana I’d ever heard. Or any human, for that matter. And I’d never heard Jenny call anybody an idiot before, either.
This was definitely serious. Not only were we watching the best teacher we’d ever had being squeezed to death, but we were watching our chances of winning being squeezed away, second by excruciating second!
‘Clear a path!’ said a powerful voice. ‘Let me through.’
It was Gretel!
Which was good.
If anyone could save Mr Brainfright from The Boa, it was her.
She wrapped her powerful arms around Mr Constrictor and, with great effort, dragged him off Mr Brainfright’s limp, banana-suited body.
Fred and Clive looked disappointed beyond words. ‘You are such a spoilsport, Armstrong,’ said Fred.
‘Yeah,’ said Clive. ‘It’s not fair. You’ve got to let The Boa do his thing!’
Gretel ignored them.
She released her grip on Mr Constrictor and he turned to face her.
‘You’ve got a nerve,’ he said in a menacing voice. ‘You’ve got a real nerve . . . plus a very strong grip. I admire that, even if you do play for the wrong team. I don’t suppose you’d consider changing schools? You’d be very welcome at Northwest West Academy.’
Gretel didn’t answer—she just glared at him.
‘I’ll take that as a no,’ he said. ‘But let me know if you ever change your mind.’
Then he turned away from her. ‘Troy!’ he boomed. ‘Bring Chomp and let’s get out of here.’
Troy, who seemed just as scared of the growling, leash-biting Chomp as we all were, followed Mr Constrictor back to the Northwest West Academy grandstand.
They were greeted by a rousing cheer.
At that same moment, Mr Brainfright let out a moan of pain.
‘Are you all right, Mr Brainfright?’ said Jenny, who was kneeling beside him on the ground.
‘No,’ said Mr Brainfright. ‘I don’t think so. It feels like I’ve been squeezed!’
‘You have been!’ said Gretel. ‘By Mr Constrictor.’
‘Well, that would explain it then,’ said Mr Brainfright.
‘Can you get up?’ said Jack.
‘I don’t think so,’ said Mr Brainfright. ‘My whole body feels numb.’
We looked at each other. This was bad.
Then, like an angel sent from heaven, Mrs Bandaid appeared among us.
‘Excuse me,’ she called out, pushing her way through the crowd. ‘Mobile bandaid unit coming through! Stand clear!’
She was carrying a large metal box, like a carpenter or builder would use for their tools. But hers was white with a large red cross on the lid, and when she opened it, its tiered shelves revealed an amazing array of bandaids. There were bandaids of all shapes and sizes—round ones, square ones, little ones, patterned ones and even waterproof ones.
‘Oh my goodness,’ she said, looking at Mr Brainfright. ‘Oh dear.’
‘What is it?’ said Mr Brainfright. ‘Is it serious?’
‘Very serious,’ said Mrs Bandaid. ‘You need a bandaid. In fact, you need lots of bandaids! But first you’ll have to get out of that suit.’
‘But I can’t!’ said Mr Brainfright. ‘I’m the Northwest Southeast Central mascot! The competition’s not over yet. We still have the decathlon! They need me!’
‘Well,’ said Mrs Bandaid, removing Mr Brainfright’s head, ‘you’re not going to be much use to them in your present condition. You’ll have to find somebody else to do it.’
‘But there is nobody else,’ I said. ‘Only Mr Brainfright can do it!’
‘Listen to me, Henry,’ said Mrs Bandaid. ‘Mr Brainfright is very badly squashed. If I don’t get some bandaids on him soon, he may not pull through at all. Now help me get this suit off! Please!’
I nodded, kneeled down and helped Mr Brainfright out of his suit. He’d been dancing for a long time, and I’m not sure how long he’d had the suit on before today, but he sure smelled bad. Not unlike a rotten banana.
‘Thanks, Henry,’ said Mr Brainfright. ‘I’m really sorry about this. Can you take over the mascotting for me?’
‘Me?’ I said. ‘You want me to be the banana mascot?’
‘Yes,’ said Mr Brainfright. ‘Why not?’
‘Because I don’t know the first thing about it!’ I said. ‘That’s why not. You’re a hard act to follow, Mr Brainfright. I couldn’t inspire anybody—I’d only make them laugh.’
‘It’s really not that difficult,’ said Mr Brainfright.
‘I’m sorry,’ I said. ‘But I just can’t.’
At that moment, Flip’s voice came over the loudspeaker. ‘Goodness me, ladies and gentlemen, what a turnaround for Northwest West Academy! They are blitzing this competition just like the Northwest West Academy of old, while the Northwest Southeast Central mascot lies injured on the field. Northwest West Academy have already racked up convincing wins in the hurdles and the high jump, while the first-graders have easily won the hotly contested egg-and-spoon race! This contest is not over yet, though—the scores are almost even and it looks like the decathlon will be the deciding event of the day.’
‘I’m scared,’ said Newton. ‘I’m really scared.’
‘We all are, Newton,’ said Jenny, patting his arm. ‘We all are.’
49
If the suit fits . . .
‘Let’s see who else the suit fits,’ said Gretel. She tried to put one of her powerful arms into the sleeve, but it was too tight. ‘It’s too small for me.’ She passed it to Newton.
‘I’m too scared to wear it,’ he said, passing it to Jack.
‘It’s too wide,’ he said, wrapping it around his skinny body. He gave the suit to Jenny.
‘Much too big for me,’ she said.
Gretel took the suit back and held it up in front of me. ‘Henry!’ she said. ‘It’s your size exactly!’
‘Nah,’ I said. ‘The head is all wrong.’
‘No it’s not,’ said Gretel. ‘Your head is actually a bit banana-shaped, you know.’
‘Look,’ I said, ignoring Gretel’s insult, ‘even if it did fit, I’m not putting it on. What about mascot madness?’
‘You won’t be in it for long enough,’ said Gretel. ‘There’s only the decathlon left. You need to wear a suit for hours for mascot madness to take hold.’
‘I can’t!’ I said.
‘But we’ll lose if you don’t!’ said Jenny.
‘But I have to write my report!’
‘What report?’ said Jenny. ‘That Northwest Southeast Central was beaten by Northwest West Academy again? You don’t have to waste any time writing that—just use last year’s and change the date.’
‘You don’t understand,’ I said. ‘I don’t mean I won’t . . . I mean I CAN’T!’
‘My mother says there’s no such word as ca
n’t,’ said Jenny.
‘She’s right,’ said Mr Brainfright.
‘She’s wrong,’ I said. ‘I think it’s time I told you the truth about why I can’t possibly be the banana mascot.’
‘Yes,’ said Jenny. ‘I think you’d better.’
I took a deep breath and began my story.
50
The truth
‘One holiday I got a job as a promotional mascot for the Northwest Banana Emporium,’ I began. ‘It was my job to stand outside and wave at the passing traffic.’
‘Wow, what a dream job.’ Jenny sighed. ‘I love waving. Why did you ever leave?’
I took a deep breath. ‘Well,’ I said, ‘everything was good and banana sales were increasing . . . until one unfortunate day when a tanker driver was so startled by the sight of a giant banana waving at him that he lost control of his vehicle and crashed into the Banana Emporium.’
Jenny gasped. ‘That’s awful,’ she said. ‘Was anybody hurt?’
‘Luckily, no,’ I said. ‘But, given the amount of banana skins in the Emporium, it took at least ten minutes for the tanker to stop skidding. By that time, it had left a trail of destruction from one end of Northwest to the other.’
‘I remember that!’ said Jack. ‘But I didn’t know it was your fault!’
‘Nobody did. The driver had concussion and couldn’t remember what caused the accident. After it happened, I just ran. I threw the suit over a fence into a vacant lot and kept on running.’
‘So that’s how Mr Brainfright came to find it!’ said Newton.
I nodded. ‘Yes—and that’s why I can’t be the mascot. I’m afraid to put that suit back on.’
‘Henry,’ said Jenny, ‘that was a terrible thing to happen—but it’s in the past.’
‘Easy for you to say.’
‘Maybe,’ she said, ‘but I do know one thing: until you put that suit back on you’re never truly going to conquer your fear. Is that how you want to go through life? Afraid to put on a banana suit?’
‘I’ve done okay so far,’ I pointed out.
‘But not today,’ said Jenny. ‘Because if you don’t put that suit on now, something much worse is going to happen.’
‘What could be worse than causing a tanker to run off the road and destroy half of Northwest?’
‘For that bunch of bad sports at Northwest West Academy to win after we’ve come so close to beating them!’ she said. ‘We still have a chance, Henry, but only if you put on the suit. Besides, you’re the only one who’s had experience as a banana!’
‘I don’t know . . .’ I said.
Jenny held the suit out. ‘Well? Will you do it, Henry?’
I wanted to.
I really did.
But I was scared.
Mr Brainfright looked up at me pleadingly. ‘Please, Henry,’ he said. ‘I’m not sure how much time I have left . . . but if I could live long enough to see a Northwest Southeast Central School victory, it will all have been worthwhile!’
51
The true truth
Jenny held the suit open for me.
I was scared, but how could I refuse the request of a man who had been squeezed by The Boa? After all Mr Brainfright had done for us, it didn’t seem like so much to ask.
Well, it was a lot to ask, but I couldn’t say no.
‘Okay,’ I said.
‘Thank you, Henry!’ said Mr Brainfright, smiling as he closed his eyes.
I put one foot down into the suit and out through the stockinged leg, and then the other.
‘Well done,’ said Jenny.
‘Looking good,’ said Gretel, as I pushed my arms into the sleeves.
‘Thanks,’ I said. ‘Can you zip me up?’
‘I’ll do it,’ said Jack.
I took a deep breath. There was no turning back now.
Jack zipped the suit up.
‘And now for the head,’ said Newton. ‘Are you ready?’
‘I think so,’ I said, kneeling.
Newton solemnly placed the banana head down over my own. As it came to rest on my shoulders, I heard a cheer go up from our stand.
‘And as the final competitors prepare for the last event of the day, the decathlon,’ said Flip, ‘the injured Mr Brainfright has passed the baton to the brave Henry McThrottle. Let’s hope for their team’s sake that McThrottle can continue the high standard of banana mascotting that we have seen here today, and that he’s got what it takes to push Northwest Southeast Central over the line to claim their first-ever victory in this competition.’
‘So, Henry, how does it feel?’ asked Jenny.
I stood there for a moment. The suit felt heavy. And hot.
‘I don’t know,’ I said finally. ‘It feels weird. I don’t think I can do this.’
‘Sure you can,’ said Jack. ‘Walk around a bit. You just need to get used to it again.’
I took a few tentative steps.
‘Now punch the air!’ said Gretel.
I punched the air.
‘That’s great, Henry!’ said Jenny. ‘Now try the other arm!’
I shrugged and punched the air with my other arm.
‘Now try a somersault,’ said Newton.
I bent over, lost my balance and fell in a heap on the ground.
The Northwest West grandstand erupted with laughter, jeers and a fresh round of rubbish-throwing.
I tried to get up, but the suit was too heavy and I fell back down.
I looked up at the disappointed faces of my classmates. ‘I’m sorry,’ I said, pulling off the head. ‘I just can’t get the accident out of my mind.’
‘What accident?’ said Fiona, who had just arrived back from the changing rooms and hadn’t heard my confession.
‘Oh nothing,’ I said. ‘Nothing at all, really. Just a teensy weensy little mistake I made where I dressed up as a banana and caused a tanker to run off the road, smash into the Banana Emporium and then destroy half of Northwest. No big deal. Just another day in the life of Henry Mc CLUMSY CLOT Throttle.’
‘The tanker accident? At the Banana Emporium?’ said Fiona. ‘You didn’t cause that.’
‘Of course I did!’ I said. ‘I was there! I should know!’
‘And I know for a fact that you had nothing to do with it!’ said Fiona. ‘My father is an accident investigator. He prepared the official report and concluded beyond doubt that it was caused by a faulty brake line on the tanker.’
‘He shows you his official reports?’ said Jack.
‘Of course,’ said Fiona. ‘I check his calculations.’
‘And you’re sure there was nothing in that report about a boy in a banana suit?’ I said.
‘No,’ said Fiona. ‘Nothing at all.’
I couldn’t believe it!
I was innocent!
Freed from the heavy burden of guilt that I’d been carrying for so long, I felt light and happy. Before I knew it I was somersaulting all around the field.
Even the Northwest West Academy students seemed to enjoy that.
I could tell they were enjoying themselves because, although they continued to yell insulting comments, they stopped throwing things while I somersaulted.
I jumped, kicked, punched, somersaulted and chanted. I borrowed some of Mr Brainfright’s routines and invented a few of my own. I even fell over a few times. But now it didn’t seem to matter what I did. Northwest Southeast Central School was lapping it up, enjoying every minute of my crazy, completely unrehearsed attempt at banana mascotting.
I turned around to look at my classmates.
They were standing where I’d left them, but now Mr Brainfright was standing with them, supported by Jack and Gretel.
His eyes were shining with pride. ‘Great work, Henry!’ he called. ‘You’re a complete natural!’
52
Chomp
About the only person who didn’t seem to be enjoying my mascotting was Mr Constrictor. And there was Chomp, of course, who had been trained to hate bananas.
Maybe that’s why he succeeded in breaking free of his leash again.
Or, more likely, why Mr Constrictor—utterly desperate now in the face of all his failed attempts to stop us—deliberately unleashed him.
I guess I’ll never know the truth about how Chomp escaped.
What I do know for sure, though, is what he looked like as he raced across the field towards me.
53
What Chomp looked like as he raced across the field towards me
UTTERLY TERRIFYING!
54
Chomp vs Henry
I did the only thing possible in the circumstances.
I ran.
As fast as I could.
Or, more accurately, I attempted to run as fast as I could.
It wasn’t easy running in a banana suit, but the sight of Chomp’s narrowed eyes, rippling muscles, large pointy teeth and twin streams of drool flying backwards in the wind was all the motivation I needed.
Well, that and the memory of the lesson that Mr Brainfright had given us about what to do when you’re being chased by wild animals.
55
Mr Brainfright’s important lesson no. 3
When you’re being chased by wild animals, RUN!
56
Death-cathlon part 1
At that moment the decathlon, which would be the deciding event of the day, was about to start.
The competitors were all crouched at the starting line ready for the first event, the hundred-metre sprint.
The race official had his starting pistol in the air.
‘On your marks!’ he said. ‘Ready . . . set . . .’
But before he could say ‘go’, the crowd roared. The competitors, distracted, looked behind them and saw me—and Chomp—speeding around the track towards them.
The looks of terror on their faces said it all.
They abandoned their starting positions and scattered in all directions.
Mascot Madness! Page 9