“Yes. Yes, I thought you’d choose the life of wealth and privilege you were born to over the guy you’d been sleeping with for a few months.” Rich pounded the dash with his fist. “Personal experience taught me to expect that. So sue me.”
The car slowed as Jake took the next exit.
It was still too fast for Rich’s comfort level, and he clutched at the armrest. “What are you doing?”
“Finding a place to pull over. I can’t drive when I’m this pissed off.” The tires squealed slightly as Jake cornered a turn. The exit was in the middle of nowhere, but signs indicated a truck stop in half a mile. Jake wasn’t willing to wait even that long. He pulled the car over at a small wayside. The wheels slipped in the gravel as he braked to a sudden stop. He turned in his seat to face Rich. “You didn’t even give me a chance. You didn’t give me a choice. Between you and my father, you decided my future for me.”
“Yeah, well, you didn’t try very hard to pick a different path, did you? You never even thought to ask why I told you to leave. Maybe it was more convenient for you that way. Maybe it was the easy way out, so you just took it.”
The clip of the seat belt bounced off the driver’s side window as Jake released it with a jerk. He got out of the car and slammed the door behind him. Rich took a shaky breath and watched Jake stalk away and come to a halt at the edge of the grass. He stood there, fists on hips, staring not at the view but down at the ground, his shoulders heaving with the force of his fury.
Something inside Rich flinched and wanted to crawl into a hole and hide. The anger left him suddenly. There was no way he could match the ease with which Jake got out of the car, but he had to join him. He left the door open as he walked over to Jake.
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that. I didn’t mean it, not really. The moment I made up my mind to take your dad’s money, I knew all I had to do was tell you I didn’t want you and you’d walk. That you wouldn’t come back. This isn’t about your decision that day, anyway. It’s about mine.”
“He said you’d resent me. I didn’t want to believe it, but I guess he was right.” Jake’s expression was hard to read behind the sunglasses, but his words were clipped and tight.
“Yeah, well, that’s what makes your dad so effective at what he does. He plays upon your worst fears because deep down, there’s a little bit of truth there.” Rich bit his lower lip briefly. “He told me that he would pay for everything, the hospital stay, the surgery, rehab, my living expenses until I could work again—everything. As long as I stayed away from you.”
“You told me to get the hell out of your life. You gave me up. Hell, Rich, I would have done anything for you. You know that, right?”
“You left. I told you to go and you went—without a second glance. What was I supposed to think, except that your dad was right, that you didn’t want to be saddled with a cripple?”
“You could have told me the fucking truth.”
“I know.” Rich almost wished Jake would hit him. Surely that would be better than having Jake stand in front of him looking so shattered at his betrayal. “But you wouldn’t have gone then, would you? I needed you to go, Jake. I needed you to have a good life.”
The wind flipped a lock of hair into Jake’s eyes, and he brushed it aside. “You thought I was all about the money.”
“No.” Rich shook his head. “I knew the money didn’t matter to you, but that’s because you’ve never been without it. You really don’t have a clue what that’s like. Getting food poisoning because you ate something you should have thrown away. Selling the car because you can’t afford the insurance anyway, and besides, you need the rent money. Making toothpaste out of the old box of baking soda that was in the fridge when you moved in the apartment. Washing and re-using sandwich baggies. Going without heat in the winter and air conditioning in the summer. I just couldn’t do that to you. Your dad made it clear he’d cut you off without a cent if I didn’t take his offer. Come on, Jake, in some ways he was right. The sacrifice on both sides would have been too great. It would have destroyed us.”
“Oh, and you dumping me didn’t?”
“Let’s not be melodramatic here. Your life wasn’t ruined—not by me leaving you, at any rate. You got dumped by your boyfriend, that’s all.”
“I got dumped by my first boyfriend. How do you think that made me feel? I can tell you, it made me question everything I thought I knew about myself.”
They breathed hard into the silence that fell between them.
Rich broke it first. “Don’t you see? I bought your father’s line because it wasn’t anything I wasn’t already saying to myself. He didn’t have to convince me—I was already there. He just offered me a way out that didn’t involve killing myself.”
“Jesus, Rich.” Jake’s mouth dropped open in shock.
Rich waved him off as though he hadn’t spoken. “Look, it was a dark time, a bad time, and he took advantage of it on both our parts. He played us off each other, that’s for sure.”
“I should have figured it out sooner. I’d been wondering if there wasn’t something between the two of you ever since that phone call. I guess it’s just hard to believe your own father can be such an asshole.”
“Yeah, and I didn’t want to be the one to tell you.”
That elicited a slight smile from Jake. Encouraged, Rich pressed on. “Where does that leave us now?”
Jake lifted his hands slightly, as if to ward off a blow. “Who the hell knows?” He let them fall back to his sides, his shoulders slumping.
“I knew I never should’ve slept with you last night.”
Jake said nothing to that, which hurt. Oh well, Rich deserved that.
“Do you still want me to be your coach?”
Jake’s head jerked up. “You’re not running again, are you?”
“Well, no. I mean, not unless you don’t want me around.” Rich cleared his throat uncomfortably. “We need to decide before we meet your father. If you fire me as your coach, you might well be able to salvage your relationship with him and continue on to the Olympics without me. If you insist on keeping me as your coach, he’s going to lower the boom on both of us.”
“It keeps coming back to that, doesn’t it? You deciding I should stay where the money is.”
“Goddamn it, Jake.” Rich lost his cool. “You should be thinking about that too. You’ve come too far, and we’ve both sacrificed too fucking much for you to throw it all away now. Giving you up was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, and I don’t want it to be all for nothing.” The wind snatched at his words but couldn’t carry them away. They fell like a weight between them.
“My relationship with my father isn’t worth saving. I’m not going to fire you so he can keep hold of my leash. And even though I’m still pissed with you, we’re both adults here.” Jake pulled his sunglasses down by the nosepiece to glare at Rich before pushing them back onto his face again.
It was ridiculous to be so relieved, Rich knew. He’d been afraid of what Jake would say, what he would choose, just the same.
“And us? Last night?”
Rich wished Jake would take off the damned sunglasses. He really needed to see Jake’s eyes right now.
“I don’t know, Rich.” Jake sounded tired, but of the conversation, Rich himself, or the emotional wear and tear, there was no telling. “I have to think about it.” He rotated his neck as though the muscles were too tight and winced at the action. “Come on. We need to get back on the road. We can talk and drive at the same time.”
As they walked back to the car, Jake indicated the open door. “Is it sticking again, or were you in that much of a hurry to talk to me?”
“I thought I might need to take a running dive back into the car before you peeled out and left me on the side of the road here.”
“You don’t think much of me, do you?” Jake shut the driver’s-side door behind him with a little more force than necessary.
“You do remember who you’re talking to h
ere, right?” Rich eased himself back into the car. “I don’t think much of anyone. You, I like better than most.”
The smile that appeared at the corner of Jake’s mouth was grudging, but Rich counted it as a win just the same.
Jake made a U-turn on the highway and headed back toward the junction for the interstate.
“What are you going to say to your dad?”
“He’s going to give me an ultimatum about you. He should know by now you never issue those unless you’re prepared to deal with the consequences.”
“He could get ugly about the money I owe him.” Rich raised his hands in placation. “Not that it’s my biggest worry. I’m just saying technically I’m in violation of the agreement I made with him.” He furrowed his brow. If Stanford tried to sue him, Rich didn’t have the money to fight him in court. He didn’t have the funds to pay him back either. Not unless he sold his house, and that would take time.
“Fuck that.” Jake’s vehemence fell like a weight between them. “Did you sign anything?”
Slowly, Rich shook his head.
“Well, with my dad, if you didn’t sign an agreement, it didn’t happen. I learned that from him at an early age.” Jake’s lip curled. “We both know he wanted to get you out of my bed. He couldn’t possibly expect that we’d never run into each other again.”
Right. That was the way it had to be, then. “He doesn’t need to know about last night. If we go back to just being professionals again, he might let things stand until after the Games.”
“Is that what you want?”
“Honestly? No. But I realize I don’t have the right to ask more of you than that right now. In fact, I’m sorry this all came to light now of all times. You should be focused on getting to the Olympics, nothing else.”
The car merged back into the heavy traffic. Their little detour hadn’t delayed them all that long; they’d be at Foxden before they knew it. Rich’s stomach twisted at the thought of the coming confrontation with Stanford. The silence in the car dragged on uncomfortably long, and then Jake asked, “Would you have ever told me if it hadn’t been for Tom asking you to come back? Would you have ever come back at all?”
Well, he wanted the truth. “No. I still think you’re better off without me complicating your life.” At Jake’s sharp intake of breath, he quickly added, “But since it’s all come out now, it’s a huge weight off my shoulders. I hated what I did to you and why I did it. And despite what I said a little while ago, I don’t regret a single moment of last night.”
Jake said nothing. Rich couldn’t tell if it was because he was still angry or because he wished they hadn’t gotten together again. Either way, he didn’t know what else to say.
The sun sank low in the sky as the car sped on. All too soon, they were leaving the interstate again, this time taking the familiar roads back to Foxden. Any other time, Rich would be relieved to be back, looking forward to seeing the cats again, to relaxing with Jake over dinner, maybe even trying out the Jacuzzi together. Chances were good Jake would be homeless in the next hour unless Rich did something about it.
They’d been silent for a while now, both of them, no doubt, imaging their own versions of what meeting up with Stanford was going to be like. Now that they were pulling into the driveway, Rich had felt compelled to speak. “You can drop me off at the barn if you like.”
The sharp turn of Jake’s head made Rich wince.
“I mean, if you don’t want me there. If it would be easier. Of course, if you do want me there, you know, to present a united front, I’ll do it.”
He shot a hasty glance over at Jake, who was staring out the windshield again, his lips folded tightly.
Shit, he’d really done it now. It wasn’t that he wanted to throw Jake into the volcano and run before he got burned, but Jake had said to leave managing his father to him, so he had to make the offer, right?
“Are you laughing?” Rich asked incredulously when Jake snickered. It seemed impossible, given the revelations of the day and the fact Jake’s future was at stake. How like Jake to think this whole thing is funny.
The sideways look Jake passed him was brimming with humor. “Well, come on, what’s the worst he can do? He’s no ogre.”
“He can toss you out on your ear without a penny to your name, that’s what he can do. He can pull your funding for these Games, and everything that you’ve worked for will go up in smoke like that.” Rich snapped his fingers. “And what about Tom? And the Angels?”
“I won’t be penniless,” Jake said, sounding sulky. Rich was reminded of a small boy denied cookies before dinner.
“You might as well be, if we’re talking about competing at the Olympic level. Have you priced shipping a horse to the U.K. lately? I have, and let me tell you, you’d burn through any reserves you might have in no time. Hunterdon charges six to seven thousand, and that’s just from Newark to Heathrow. You still have to ship The Moose to Newark and get her to Branham first, then Rio after that. Add your airfare, hotel, and—”
“I get it.” Jake made an abrupt chopping movement with his hand before he tapped his fingers on the edge of the wheel. “I don’t think it will come to that. Not now. Not before the Games. Afterward? It will depend on whether I win or not.”
Rich fixed him with a sharp stare. “I hope you’re not pinning everything about your future on the hope of winning gold. You know how slim a shot you have, don’t you?”
“Wow, now I see why you’re a top-level coach.”
“I’m a damn fine coach, thank you very much, and part of my job is to see you don’t go off half-cocked over some pipe dream that the gold….” He paused, searching for the right words. “That a gold medal is somehow the key to solving all your problems. It’s a goal, nothing more, nothing less.”
“Not to mention that Germany and the Netherlands usually sweep the top spots, I know.” Jake sighed and then spoke with determination. “Doesn’t mean I’m not going to try my best.”
“Of course not.” Rich was indignant. “And anything can happen, especially in the individual event. I just don’t want you banking on it, okay?”
Jake fell silent, and Rich knew he probably hadn’t gotten through to him. Jake had been making getting to the Games a goal for far too long. Still, it disturbed him to see Jake leaping ahead, assuming that he was definitely making the team, and from there, winning the gold.
Maybe that’s the difference between you. He’s willing to fight for what he wants.
Rich mentally shook his head. That hadn’t included fighting for him eight years ago, did it? He had to be prepared for the fact that Jake might again choose the lifetime goal over him. He pinched the bridge of his nose. If Jake did cave in to his father’s demands, should Rich let him go for a second time?
“Trust me on this one,” Jake said, an unaccustomed bitterness turning his voice harsh. “Father won’t do anything until after the Games. Oh sure, the conversation today won’t be pleasant”—Jake’s smile was tight—“but ultimately, he won’t do anything to affect my ability to compete in Rio. That’s all we need to focus on right now. The rest will work itself out.”
“Okay, but if he does throw you out, you know you can come stay with me, right? There’s a place for The Moose at my barn as well.”
Jake looked briefly in Rich’s direction. “Thanks.” His voice was softer than it had been since Rich had confessed.
“So,” Rich stretched out the vowel until it almost had its own zip code. “Should I come up to the house with you or not?”
“Up to you.” Jake shrugged. His voice was deceptively casual.
“Then I’m coming,” Rich said decisively. “Shit, all my stuff’s there anyway. I can hardly scurry off and leave all my crap in the guest room. Not to mention, the presence of my cats might be a little obvious.”
Something of Jake’s tension eased slightly, and they traded smiles.
“Pinky, are you thinking what I am?” Rich steepled his fingers and tapped the index fingers lig
htly together.
“Yes,” Jake said readily, his voice a trifle woebegone, “but sadly, we’re not naked. Also, why am I always Pinky?”
It felt good to laugh. Rich only hoped they’d both still feel like laughing an hour or so from now.
“Oh for fuck’s sake,” Rich said as the car cornered the final bend in the drive. “He’s waiting for us in the driveway.”
Sure enough, there he was, standing with that air of haughty impatience that always pissed Jake off. Donald Stanford. CEO of Stanford Industries and all its various subsidiaries, the man with a finger in many pies, most of them political these days. Jake pictured his father weighing him on a scale, with the prestige of being an Olympic contender not quite balancing the scandal of him coming out as gay. It made no sense that he was waiting with obvious impatience for them in the driveway though. Seated royally in the massive leather chair in his office would have been more like him, with the two of them being called in like employees about to get the ax.
It wouldn’t be the first time he hadn’t lived up to his father’s expectations.
Jake felt as if he were in high school again, late for curfew and about to get grounded. He pulled the car in beside the family limo, frowning as he killed the ignition. His father held a cut-glass tumbler in one hand, with what could only be Scotch in it.
“Let me do the talking.” Jake rested his hands on the wheel without making a move to get out of the car.
“Trust me, I will. Your dad hates me with a passion. I won’t help matters here much.”
Jake turned a curious gaze on Rich. “What makes you say that?”
Rich’s chuckle was bitter. “You have to ask? It was obvious from the beginning that he didn’t think I was good enough to lick the dirt from your boots. That I was even worthy of riding his horses. But he made his feelings perfectly clear that day in the hospital.”
“Rich,” Jake began, reaching for him under the cover of the dashboard.
Rich stopped him with a brilliant, flashing smile. “Later, okay? Right now we have to beard a lion. One who’s obviously decided to come out of his den.”
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