Mary spread her gowns on the bed. The dinner invitation had come by messenger the week before, and every day since she’d taken her frocks from the wardrobe, fretting over what to wear. They had been to visit Papa, of course, but this was special, this was his birthday.
“You spend too much time on your apparel, my sweet.” Barney stood at the door. “You will look pretty in whichever you choose. Mayhap the gray?”
“The gray? Yes, I like it very much. I shall have to decide.”
“Very well. It will be good to see Ezekiel once again,” he said as he walked to the parlor.
She picked up the gray and held it to her. She twirled a bit, then set it down and put on the green silk.
Picking up a comb, she padded out to the parlor. “’Tis been a long time since we were all together at Papa’s.” She sat and combed each boy’s hair and scrubbed Ben’s chubby face, wiping it with her apron. He squirmed, but grinned through it all. She handed the rag to Joseph and he quickly ran it over his cheeks and chin.
She heard Baldy out front and pulled on her silk slippers. She pulled on her cape and tucked her hair beneath the hood.
She held out coats for the boys. “Come, boys, your father is ready.”
He helped Mary up first, eyeing her gown as he handed her a sack of ginger cakes. “You wore that dress the day you came to the bakeshop with Elizabeth.”
“Yes, I did. This is my favorite dress, can you tell?”
“Aye. I like the color. It is very becoming on you. But do you not feel the lace calls attention too much? And the shine of the fabric? Might it be above our standing? We’ve been over this before and you know how I feel. Why do you persist?”
His words bit at her like Baldy’s horseflies. “I like to look pretty for you. You never forbade this dress. Do you not enjoy seeing me in it? Besides, Papa likes it. Please, Barney, I’m looking so forward to our visit. Can we be happy?”
He handed Ben up and turned to find Joseph eager to climb up front. “May I handle the reins, Father?”
“Aye, Joseph, good idea. Be sure to let him know who is in control. Baldy is a wise one.”
“I know how. I watch you.”
Barney climbed up with a smile and looked back at his wife. “I will have to remember that. You are right, my sweet. I do like the dress on you.”
As they pulled up in front of the Langton house, Joshua and Ruth ran out to greet Jay. Lizzie followed with Hannah on her hip, as Rachel ran to keep up. “The children could not wait until you were here.”
“Lizzie, ’tis so good to see you. Where is Papa?”
“He’s out at the barn with Ezekiel. He has something to show you. Barnabas, good morrow to you. You shall want to see this as well.”
“Good morrow to you, Elizabeth. Benjamin was just talking about the lambs.”
“Oh, he does have lambs out there, to be sure.” She winked at Ben and received a big smile from him in return.
Lizzie put Hannah down and they all followed Barney along the path behind the house.
The ash and birch trees lent shade to the walk, and the scent of roses and lavender drifted from the garden beyond. As they entered the barn, Mary breathed in the aroma of sweet hay mingling with the pungent odor of dung, a familiar scent that she loved. She walked past the row of stalls, Barney, her sister, and the children behind her; Northstar, a yearling, put his head over a stall door to greet her.
“There, baby, you are a good boy.” She patted the bold star on his forehead.
They continued down the corridor and she could hear Papa and Zeke speaking in quiet tones. Both men turned to them and stood as they approached. Mary was the first to reach the stall and peered in. “Oh, Papa. Look, Ben and Rach. See how small he is?”
“It is a filly. A little girl,” Papa said.
“What shall you name her?”
“I believe Starlight. Do you see that faint little star on her forehead? Yes, I like Starlight.”
“Oh, I do too.” Mary bent to trace her finger around the star. The filly raised her delicate nose to nuzzle her fingers. “Why, hello there, little Starlight. You are a beauty.”
“Good you like the name, my girl, because she will be yours someday.” Papa looked pleased with himself.
“Thank you. So much.” She hugged Papa and turned to Barney with a grin. “I shan’t have to ride Baldy anymore.”
“Heigh-ho, and Baldy thought you loved him.”
The clan celebrated their patriarch’s birthday with a fine dinner, and after much fawning over little Hannah—and the new filly—Papa turned to Mary. “So, my dear. What about you?”
“What about me?” Her smile was expectant.
“A babe. When shall you give me another grandchild?”
Her face burned and she looked away. She could not think of a proper reply, and Barnabas just stared at her.
Lizzie stood up. “Father, for shame. ’Tis not right to make poor Mary speak of such things here at the table with children present. She shall decide when the time is correct for such matters.”
Mary pushed back from the table. “No, Lizzie, I am fine.” She knew her eyes would betray her and she kept them lowered as she turned to her father. “I do pray for that, Papa. I think about it all of the time, it seems. Barney does too. Perhaps it is not in God’s plan for us to have one of our own.”
Barney stood and came to her side. “Nay, my sweet, do not think that. He will bless us in His time.”
“I think that is true.” Papa stood. “Children, you are excused. You may play outside, but until I join you, please stay out of the barn. We need to make certain little Starlight has her time to rest.” He turned back to Mary. “You have always been so very good at nurturing. I have always loved that in you. To be sure, you will be a good mother. You are now, my dear. If God does not bless you with a child of your own, He will bless you in many other ways. Of that I am certain.”
On the ride back home Mary was quiet, lost in her thoughts. Jay and Ben bantered back and forth over who might ride Starlight first. As they approached their home, Barnabas drew back on the reins. “Enough, boys. Starlight has plenty of growing before she is big enough for you to ride, and by then I daresay neither of you will care who is first.”
He helped Mary from the wagon and sent the boys to put Baldy in the barn. “I was surprised your father told you God might bless you in other ways.”
“’Tis true, do you not think?”
“We desire a child so much, Mary, I do pray that He will give us one. I am patient. I know it will be in His own time.”
“You do not sound patient to me, Barney. It seems you are always talking about it. Asking me, just like Papa did. Lizzie knows how much that hurts me.”
“I do not know why the question should hurt. It is an honest question.”
“It makes me aware how much time has passed and still no babe. There is only so much time and then . . .”
“Then what?”
“Why, then a woman no longer can. She is old.”
Barnabas finally chuckled. “You have a long way to go until you are old. If that is your worry, please stop it.”
“’Tis not funny and do not tell me to stop it. Or perhaps you should like to sleep with Baldy tonight!” She flounced to the door.
“Gracious, woman, and how would that solve anything?” He charged for the barn, in a fume.
“There is nothing I shall want solved tonight,” she called, but hoped he did not hear.
11
October 1636
Wind swept through the wheat with a gentle rustle as Mary looked out across the field. Thomas and Jane had been in New England for three years now. Barney talked daily of his plans for their migration to the New World, but it was all so much to take in. Somewhere to the west would be the ocean they must cross to their new home. She shuddered. A new home, if they survived. It was a long way across that ocean. Barney told her she must trust in the Lord and He would provide. But so far her world kept shaking.
> A twinkling star appeared, followed by another. Would the stars follow them to the colonies? She hoped God would. She closed her eyes in prayer as the wind stung a tear trickling down her cheek. She wanted God to listen, but at times He seemed so far away. Like the stars. Like her mother.
Barney slid his arms around her waist. She caught her breath as he pulled her close. “I didn’t hear you come up. Do you think my mother and Ann look down from heaven, from the stars?”
He scanned the sky. “God gave us stars for navigation, to find our way in the dark.”
“Mother said they are like little windows to heaven.”
“Aye, I like that. She had many stories, did she not? Mayhap that’s heaven’s light shining down.”
“I shall miss my family so much, Barney. Papa, my sister, Zeke, and the babies—they are all I have had for so long.”
She waited for his reply while he rubbed her arms, bringing warmth to the cool fall evening. After a moment she added, “I’m tired of planning and quite ready to go, and it’s helped me so much talking things over with Lizzie. What shall I do without her?”
“You will have me, Mary. I know this is a hard thing for you to do, to follow me. As long as there is the very breath in me, I will take care of you.”
A cool, wet wind whipped her skirts about. She shivered and once again imagined crossing the ocean to a place she could not fathom. Jeremy had made the voyage twice and even his stories left her wondering.
Barnabas hovered over her and rested his chin in her hair. “You remember meeting Reverend Youngs when we went on holiday to Southwold? How he requested passage on The Mary Ann out of Yarmouth and was denied? His plan is now to depart from Hingham over in Norfolk. Of course his wife and six children will accompany him. Several members of his vicarage plan to go with him, as well. They are bound for Boston, but likely it will be next year before they sail. It must be kept silent, of course, not even your father should be told.”
“He tells no one of our plans. He would do nothing to endanger us or any of the reformers, Barney.”
“Of course, but the fewer who know about Reverend Youngs, the safer it is for his family. Your father has been very tolerant of the meetings we have, but mostly to protect you.”
“He’s not happy with our plans. He would have us stay if he thought it safe, but the dangers across the ocean are just as frightening to him. Lizzie tells him of the stories she hears about how wondrous the New World is and tells him I must support you.”
“The stories are true, Mary.”
“Do you believe that?”
He chortled. “Jeremy might embellish, but Thomas tells us straight. Yes, indeed his letter states it is true what they say. I promise you. It is truly God’s paradise.”
“Are you not happy here?”
“It is not about being happy here. I believe God’s hand is in this. We see the dangers here compounded every day. I worry much more about persecutions from the church and government than Indians and wild animals in the New World.”
Mary drew back. “We hear so many stories about whippings and jail, yet I feel so isolated here.”
“That’s the danger, Mary. We can become complacent. I promised Ann. I promised her I would take care of the boys. Prithee, it is what I must do. There are many things in this life I do not understand, that I do not know. One thing I have learned. Sometimes we must step out in faith. Is it not what we did when we pledged our lives to each other?”
She rested her head against his shoulder, his breath warm on her hair. “I want to be strong for you and have your faith. But we are not without problems, and they will follow us. We have yet to find a way to ease Jay’s pain. He misses his mother and it hurts him. He is like you. You both hold your pain inside until it rises up to overwhelm us. I try so hard to understand, and to anticipate, but sometimes I feel lost and helpless. Those things will not change by running away. And far across that ocean we shall have no one to turn to.”
His arms tightened around her. He was silent and she wondered what was on his heart.
“We shall have God. God is who we must turn to.” He hugged her tight.
“Then I shall go with you and always work beside you.” She turned to look into his dark green eyes. “Barney, I don’t know why, but you carry much guilt over Ann’s death. You know much more than me about spiritual matters, but pray thee, you need to forgive yourself. You need to do that before we leave.”
“Ann and I had a beautiful life together. We were much more fortunate than most of our friends. We found love. A true love we delighted in and thanked the Lord daily for.” He paused. “Can you not understand why I would want to leave this place? There are so many memories that it holds. It haunts me.”
“The memories you must keep, not run from. You shall find a time when they make you smile. You shall remember the good times, the happy times. But it does not mean you cannot create new memories.”
“It is more than that. At times I watch you as you clean and rearrange things to your liking. You are but building a nest, and I understand that—yet I want to correct you. To tell you, nay, that’s not how Ann did it . . . that’s not where Ann kept it. I hold my tongue and hate myself for those thoughts, but they are there.”
Pain pricked her heart like a thorn. “I—I know that. I can tell what you are thinking. But ’tis all right. I don’t wish to change things for you. Only—”
“I see that. I do. We both can start anew in Massachusetts. But more than that, God has laid the church on my heart. My father and I will never agree. He gave me his Bible years ago, yet our thoughts on the church are at odds. If I cannot convince my father, I cannot convince the Church of England. Unless by going to New England we might establish the church there and show the king what God intended.”
“But you have reconciled with your father.”
“Certainly. But to the point, it is time for me to seek my own way. To not just say the words, but to act on my beliefs.”
“You are an honorable man. ’Tis one of the reasons I adore you, Barney.”
“Pray thee, if we go to the New World we have the chance to build the church as God would have us to do. A chance to build our own home. Without the memories. We will do as you say, make new memories. Give me your agreement. Give me your support. That is the balm I need.”
She leaned on her husband as they gazed out to the west. If this is what he needed, she would indeed be his balm. And perhaps God would grant him a second love of a lifetime. “You are the kindest, sweetest man I have ever known and I am so blessed to have you. It makes me feel guilty when I think about you losing the love of your life and I have just found mine. I long for you to love me like you loved her. I pray thee that you understand.”
He looked down at her. “But why does that matter? I try to understand. We never seem to get past the wondering and the guilt, though. It perplexes me to think you cannot understand how I care. Do I not show you daily? What else can I say? I fear you do not believe in yourself. Do you not understand how much you give me? For that I am truly indebted.”
“That means much to me, but I’m still struggling to find my place with you. I think I understand how you care for me, and then I find pieces of your soul that I know nothing about, and that scares me.”
He pulled her closer. She turned in his embrace and met his kiss. “You have been strong for years for your father. And now you have stood by me and pulled me from my grief. You are a strong one, to be sure, but mayhap it is time for me to be strong enough for both of us.”
They stood together and watched as myriad stars popped from the darkening sky. A savory aroma wafted down from the house and Barney inhaled deeply. “Gracious, it is getting dark.”
“Are you hungry?” She reluctantly broke away. “Supper shall not be long. I put the meat from dinner in a pottage and left it simmering on the fire. Gather up the boys for a washing while I put it on the table.”
“The smell makes me hungry.”
She hugged
herself and grinned. Was he saying he liked her cooking? Perhaps he would pass the tongs. Perhaps he would love her.
The Horton clan gathered at their well-worn oak table. Mary put the pottage, brimming with thick pieces of mutton, onions, turnips, and parsnips, at the center of the table. She set the crusty bread, hot and fragrant, next to the freshly churned butter. As she sat next to her husband, they joined hands and lowered their heads.
Barney led the prayer. “Lord, I pray that You will guide us in our preparations for the trip to the colonies. It will be long and arduous. We will be risking much. We pray that You will be with us each step of the way and that we may not waver from Your plan for us. We ask Your blessings in all things. Amen.”
Jay and Ben eagerly mopped the gravy with their bread. It pleased her to see them eat with gusto. Barney would disapprove of their manners, but it was good to see Jay enjoy her meal. Usually he feigned a stomachache when she cooked.
“Joseph, Benjamin. When I grew up, we ate with our hands, but now that is what we have spoons for. ” Barnabas took a heaping spoonful of stew and savored it. Carefully, he put down the spoon and scratched at his beard, winking at the boys before turning back to her. “Aye, I see. We shall all want to soak our bread in the sauce to get every bit. Gracious, I shall lose my place as cook and baker in this family if I am not careful.”
She basked in the compliment. In the New World he would need to devote his attentions to building a house and a church. She would become mistress of the hearth and home.
Supper finished, they settled near the fire. Barney picked up the Bible and leafed through the pages. He looked dismayed. Or was that indignation?
“The ribbon. Ann’s blue hair ribbon. Where is it?” His voice was sharp, so far different than just a few moments ago at dinner. His look was leveled directly at her.
“I—I don’t know. I didn’t take it out of the Bible. I did read from it this morning, but I am sure I did not remove the ribbon.” She looked frantically about, spotting the frayed ribbon resting at the leg of the oak table. “There it is. Perhaps it fell as you opened the pages.”
A Place in His Heart Page 9