On the Outside

by Siera Maley

  When I dropped the hint to Riley afterward that I wasn’t really feeling the whole movie thing given that they were a couple and I didn’t have a boyfriend to bring along, she asked for one more shot. So we’d gone to the second movie a week later, where we’d all shared one bucket of popcorn and Riley’d spent most of it whispering to me rather than to Evan, much to his displeasure. Everything was all squared away.

  That would’ve satisfied any normal friend, but given that I’d developed a case of raging jealousy over their couple status and my own solid status as a third wheel, I was no normal friend. And I’d noticed the way Evan had insisted upon holding Riley’s hand throughout the entire duration of the second movie. I vowed to turn down any future movie offers.

  I couldn’t even be sure if I was actually overreacting anymore, because Evan had turned into such a stage ten clinger that I felt my only option was to be just as stubborn. I’d settle for nothing less than things being just like they’d been for the past ten years. I wanted the Riley back that linked half of her fingers with mine and smiled at me like I’d made her whole day with one lame joke.

  And make no mistake, this was about Riley. Evan and I were best friends, but she was my best friend and she was also his. I was jealous that they both had someone to date, sure, but I was also jealous that Evan was getting more attention from her than I was.

  This current arrangement wasn’t how our triangle was supposed to work. He always gotten more time with her, sure, but the time she and I got was more personal. He got a few hours at the creek every other day and I got a shared bed and the chance to spend all night talking about anything and everything with her.

  Those nights were rare now. Everything with Riley was rare now. I was practically invested in making it so, because where Riley went, Evan went, and the two of them weren’t fun to be around. Mostly because Evan wasn’t fun to be around. Their whole fling had done awful things to his personality.

  Not long after summer began, Nicole finally came home from college, which was pretty much my saving grace. She’d just finished up her freshman year and had all kinds of hilarious and interesting stories, and I very quickly latched onto her, both because I loved hanging out with her and because it provided me with an easy, believable excuse to get some much-needed time away from the unit that was EvanandRiley.

  Nicole took me to the mall her first week back, and when we stopped at the food court for lunch, she told me, “Oh, so I have a story I think you’ll like. Remember my roommate I told you about? Not the two I don’t really hang out with but the one I told you I really liked?”

  “Yeah, what was her name? Gretchen, or something?” I guessed.

  “Grace,” Nicole corrected. “Anyway, she’s like the best friend I made this year and part of what I liked about her was that she was the only roommate who wasn’t constantly bringing guys home. I mean, I made guy friends that I brought over sometimes but our other two roommates were in sororities and it got pretty ridiculous.”

  “You’re in a sorority,” I reminded her, grinning.

  “Yes, but I don’t sleep around like they did. That’s not the point, anyway. So Grace goes nearly the whole year and I never see her with any guys romantically, and she doesn’t bring any around other than a couple who were obviously just friends of hers. And she and I are like really close at this point. Then, two weeks before finals, I come home earlier than she expected me to while she had the apartment to herself, and she’s making out with a girl on our couch. Evidently, I have really bad gaydar! And that’s the story of how I didn’t know my new best friend was a lesbian. For an entire year.”

  I laughed at her and then asked, “She didn’t say anything all year?”

  “Well, from what she told me, she came from a really rural area where she never told anyone, and I think it made her too freaked to say anything, even in college. Obviously we were all nice about it, though. I’ve discovered since then that she actually might be the most promiscuous of us all; she was just better at hiding it. Which is hilarious and amazing. You’ll meet her in a couple of weeks when she comes up with a few other people for my birthday.”

  “Cool. Oh, what do you want?” I asked her, glad she’d brought it up while we were in the mall. “I want to get you something you’ll actually like.”

  “Don’t worry about it. You should just surprise me. Anyway, how’s your year been? Other than Josh, of course.” She paused, and then pointed out, “I heard from you about your breakup, but I had to hear about Riley and Evan from Mom. Why didn’t you tell me?”

  “Ugh, because the less I have to talk about that, the better.” I shook my head at her with a roll of my eyes.

  “They’re that bad?”

  “Not Riley. I mean, you know how she is. She’d never purposely want me to feel left out. But I think Evan’s so in love he wants to spend every waking moment with her.”

  “Well, he’ll suffocate her and then they’ll break up,” Nicole said, shrugging her shoulders. “Problem solved.”

  “No, because then things will be awkward and instead of fighting to get time alone with either of them, I’ll be fighting to get them to be in each other’s presence for more than two minutes.” I sighed. “Whatever; I deserve it. It’s my fault this started.”

  “You did the whole ‘whatever makes you happy’ thing, didn’t you?” asked Nicole, a knowing look on her face. I nodded pitifully. “No, never ever do that. Story time—“

  “Again?” I asked with a laugh.

  “Listen. In high school, my friend Terri asked me if she should date this guy named Derek. Now, I get the whole pot thing on a casual level, but he was a massive stoner – we’re talking daily, here – and was flunking half of his classes. I bent over backwards making sure that couple never happened. And now Derek busses tables at this very mall and probably spends half his paycheck on weed, and Terri’s dating a Computer Science major over at CWU.”

  “Well, Evan doesn’t do drugs, unfortunately, so I’m just gonna have to wait for Riley to get sick of him and then try to mend it afterwards. What else can I do?”

  “Sabotage it,” Nicole answered far too casually.

  I laughed. “No way. Not an option.”

  “Well, then, you would be correct: your job is to put up with them until it’s time to pick up the pieces.”

  “And this would be why I’m avoiding them and going to the mall with you.”

  She grinned at me. “Nice. Way to make me feel appreciated. But in all seriousness, you can’t avoid them until they break up. They could date for years.”

  The thought sent a shudder down my spine. “Well, I can try.”

  ***

  My mom and Nicole went out to get manicures and pedicures around noon a few days later, and I turned down the offer to join them, feeling a little off. I knew through social media that Riley and Evan had gone to the movies the night before without me, and I’d surprised myself by getting a little teary when I’d found out. I couldn’t pinpoint why I was that upset, given that if they’d invited me I’d have turned them down anyway, but I was.

  I laid sprawled out on my bed with headphones in and my phone in my hand, watching my ceiling as the music blasted in my ears just loudly enough to block out all other noise. I closed my eyes and just enjoyed not thinking for a few minutes. Because Vanessa wasn’t around, whenever Nicole couldn’t find the time to keep me company I found myself alone, stuck in my own head. I was the one avoiding my best friends, but that didn’t stop my brain from telling me things like “They don’t miss you” and “They never liked you that much anyway” and “They only need each other now” and “They don’t mind that you’re avoiding them”.

  I was jolted back to reality by the feeling of movement on my bed. Two hands grabbed my wrists and pinned them, and I opened my eyes, my heart shooting up into my throat, only to see a grinning Riley hovering over me.

  “Oh my god,” I squeaked out, and then paused my music when I couldn’t even hear my own voice. She was gig
gling by the time I could hear again. “You scared the crap out of me.”

  “I couldn’t resist,” she admitted. “I’m guessing your mom and sister aren’t home? Thanks for telling me Nicole’s back, by the way. I just saw her car in the driveway.”

  “You were busy,” I said, not looking her in the eyes.

  “You’re avoiding me,” she replied, hands still on my wrists. I realized how close we were and squirmed uncomfortably, and she let me go with a sigh, sitting back on my bed. I sat up as she added, “Don’t deny it.”

  “I’m not avoiding you,” I said, and she groaned at me.

  “Okay, cut it out. I talked to Evan, alright? I got the message, and so did he, even if he wanted to pretend not to. We are going to act exactly the same as we did before we started dating. You’re gonna forget we’re a couple. If we remind you at all that we are, you reserve the right to terminate our hangout and start avoiding us again. We miss you.” She paused, and then asked, somewhat shyly, “I mean, that was all that was bothering you, right? The third-wheel thing?”

  “Yeah,” I replied, confused. “What else would be bothering me?”

  “Nothing,” she said hastily. “I just wanted to be sure I covered all the bases.”

  “Well, I have a hard time believing Evan’s as committed to making me feel better as you are.”

  “I know. So I told him I’d dump him if he didn’t do this with me.”

  “Harsh,” I declared, surprised. “You did that for me?”

  “Of course. Believe it or not, being alone with Boyfriend Evan isn’t as fun as hanging out with Friend Evan and you. Especially when I know you’re off somewhere alone and purposely not coming with us the times we invite you.”

  “Can I ask you something?” I replied, eyebrows furrowed.

  She collapsed beside me on the bed, arms crossed behind her head. “Shoot.”

  “You aren’t as into him as he’s into you.”

  There was a pause. “…That wasn’t a question.”

  “So you’re not even gonna deny it?”

  She shrugged her shoulders, though she looked a little uncomfortable. “I guess not. I mean, he liked me first.”

  “But you did like him back,” I confirmed. “When you asked me if you should date him, you wanted to.”

  “I don’t know. I was thinking about it.” She sighed. “I’m having trouble being able to tell the difference between having a crush on someone and just wanting attention. Because I’m an awful person.”

  “You’re not,” I told her. “Everyone wants to feel wanted. The goal is kind of to feel wanted by someone who feels wanted by you back, though. Maybe…” I hesitated. It hadn’t occurred to me that this was the case before I’d been about to say it, but now that it was in my head, I felt surprisingly confident that I was onto something. “Maybe that’s why Evan’s going crazy. He doesn’t feel as wanted back as he’d like to.”

  “I spend a ton of time with him,” Riley laughed. “Sometimes more than I can take.”

  “Maybe he can tell it’s more than you can take. People pick up on that kind of stuff, you know?”

  “You know, before I started dating one, boys always seemed so simple,” said Riley. “They were even easier to make friends with than girls were. Just talk about video games and tell them I skate, and boom, done.”

  “I never realized I’m your only female friend,” I told her, taken aback by the revelation.

  “You are,” she confirmed. “But maybe I only need one.” She rolled toward me and wrapped an arm over my stomach, pulling me down onto the bed and cuddling into my side. “Don’t let this whole thing with Evan get to you, okay? I’d die if I lost you.”

  “Morbid,” I mumbled as she kissed me on the cheek again. She’d never really done that growing up, and I wondered if being affectionate with Evan had just brought that side out of her. I wasn’t sure how to feel about it. The feeling I got when she did it wasn’t unpleasant, but it wasn’t comfortable, either.

  Later, I’d refer to this day – the day I spent several hours just lying on my bed, napping with Riley at my side – as Epiphany Day. As I lay there in silence with Riley pressed into me, her eyes closed and her breathing tickling my neck and her arm around me and her fingers tangled gently with mine, my heart squeezed itself tighter in my chest. I glanced down to where Riley’s head rested, and she tilted her face downward slightly, which made her lips brush against my collarbone. I noticed her eyes had closed.

  When I was eight, I’d bent over and ripped my tights in front of an entire crowd of family and friends who’d come to see a few of us in my gymnastics class perform. When I was eleven, I’d taken a small tumble off of a water ride, and they’d had to shut it down while they carried me out on a stretcher in front of nearly a hundred disappointed people who’d been waiting to go on the ride.

  Both of those moments were less uncomfortable than this one.

  I cursed Nicole for putting the idea of lesbianism into my head such a short time ago in the first place, because now it was fresh and, for some bizarre reason, my mind had gone there, and I was thinking about my best childhood friend and me while she was pressed up against me, which was pretty much the last thing I’d ever thought I’d be thinking about. Up until about thirty seconds ago, I’d have believed I’d willingly imagine, in detail, the entirety of a threesome with Evan and Josh before I’d ever let the idea of Riley and me even cross my mind.

  And my mind didn’t stop there. The stupid little voice I knew to be my conscience suggested that maybe I was being so over the top about Riley and Evan because it wasn’t just about the change to the dynamics of our joint friendship. Maybe I had feelings for one of them. And, even worse, maybe I had feelings for the one that wasn’t a boy.

  I scoffed aloud and Riley didn’t react, so I assumed she was no longer fully conscious. I wasn’t gay. There was no way. Like, there was the “no way am I gay” in the closet-case sort of way, where full-on denial was very clearly happening, and then there was my “no way am I gay,” which was entirely and whole-heartedly legitimate. I liked boys, and I’d liked them for as long as I could remember. There was zero doubt in my mind that my feelings for Josh and each and every one of the boys before him had been real.

  So I couldn’t be gay. It was natural to want to experiment in college, so maybe I was just ahead of the curve. Riley would’ve certainly been the ideal candidate, if I had to kiss a girl. She was hot. I was allowed to acknowledge that my best female friend was hot, and it was probably normal for my brain to float the idea of hooking up with her at some point, given that aforementioned hotness.

  Just because it wasn’t talked about often didn’t mean that occasionally thinking about other girls wasn’t a thing. Nicole’d probably thought about it with her gay roommate. It didn’t mean that I liked girls.

  This was nothing a quick Google search couldn’t cure, so later that night, after Riley left, I got onto my laptop and searched “jealous of my best friends dating”. Then I praised myself for getting the idea in the first place. Not only would this prove that what I felt was totally normal (and didn’t mean I necessarily had romantic feelings for Riley or for Evan), but there was a chance it’d also help me find a way to get over it.

  I frowned as I scrolled through the results. “I’m jealous of my boyfriend’s best friend,” was one. That wasn’t what I was looking for. There were a lot more that were similar to that one. Another was titled “20 Signs You’re Actually Dating Your BFF”. I was very careful to avoid clicking that one.

  After being put off by how rare my situation seemed to be according to the internet, at last, I found one that seemed relevant. Someone with the initials “LH” asked: “I’m 18 and male and my best friend has started dating a girl we’ve both been friends with for a while. I can’t help but feel jealous of their relationship and like he won’t have time for me anymore because he’s just focusing on her. I’m very attached to him, and I don’t know why this pisses me off so much, but is this
normal? Anyone else ever dealt with this?”

  I scrolled down to the first response. “Had this scenario once before but I was the one who started dating my friend and my other friend got jealous. So this is definitely a thing that happens.” I paused there, relieved. I was normal. It was nice to have it finally confirmed.

  I read on. “But when it happened to me, it turned out my friend had a crush on me. Is it possible you could be gay and attracted to your best friend?”

  I scoffed loudly, feeling my face heat up. “Seriously? C’mon!”

  I skimmed through the rest of the responses. “There is nothing wrong with being gay. Just admit it.” “Dude, you’re gay.” “Hella gay.” “Does LH stand for ‘latent homosexual’?” “Move to San Francisco and make new ‘friends’.” The only one that wasn’t some variation of a gay joke was: “You’re being irrational. Stop being a bad friend and feel happy for your best friend because he is obviously with someone who makes him happy.”

  “Thanks, internet,” I snapped. “I’m either an awful friend, gay, or both. Real helpful.” I closed my laptop, fuming, and let out a heavy sigh, wishing I’d never gotten the idea to look in the first place.

  I hadn’t talked to Josh much since we’d stopped seeing each other, but now I wondered if I’d done the right thing by turning him down that night in the hotel room. If Riley and Evan were going to spend the summer making out and maybe even hooking up, why was I stopping myself from doing the same? And why not take it a step further? Nicole’s roommates had spent the year having casual sex, according to her, so why couldn’t I? I’d probably be doing it anyway in just a couple of years.

  Josh, of course, wasn’t the ideal guy to hook up with. There were too many feelings there for it to truly be casual, and my aim wasn’t to get myself hurt. But Nicole’s birthday was in ten days, and she had college boys coming up for the night.