by Siera Maley
“Gay, my ass,” I mumbled, and tossed my laptop to the other side of my bed, far too excited about my new plan to go to sleep. Instead, I stayed up for another hour thinking about what I wanted to wear if I was going to look my best.
For the boys, of course. Always the boys.
Chapter Five
Riley and Evan talked me into coming over to Evan’s the following Saturday, and I agreed to give them a chance to make good on Riley’s promise. This was their first opportunity to try out acting like normal friends around me.
I liked the idea in theory, but in practice, I was second-guessing it. I knew they’d just be pretending. It bothered me to see them act like a couple because it bothered me that they were a couple. But I couldn’t tell Riley that. Not after the other day. Not when I was determined to convince myself that if I just stopped being treated like a third wheel I’d stop caring that I was one.
I took longer than usual to get ready. I was a face-full-of-makeup kind of girl even when I was just hanging out with Riley and Evan. At the least, I usually needed some light foundation. So I was always the last one ready when it came to Riley, Evan, and me going out or doing anything together – which tended to annoy both of them to no end.
But today was different. I didn’t want to put make-up on just because it made me feel presentable. I wanted to impress. Who I wanted to impress, I wasn’t sure. It was just Evan and Riley. Neither of them would look at me twice. But I still didn’t want to show up looking… typical.
On the other hand, I’d also been told to bring a bikini, so I knew that they probably wanted to take a trip to our neighborhood pool at some point today. It had just opened for the summer, so that wasn’t surprising. But it also meant swimming, and swimming meant getting wet. Which meant getting dolled up was pointless. I’d have to settle for mediocre.
I pulled my hair up into a ponytail and examined it from several different angles to make sure it looked okay, and then I grabbed a bikini, slipped on a pair of flip-flops, and began the walk to Evan’s house. Riley’d already texted me that she was there, so when I arrived, I made sure to ring the doorbell rather than just barging in like I normally would’ve. I didn’t want to interrupt anything.
There wasn’t an answer at first. I stood on the front porch awkwardly, waiting, and then, when there was still no response, I rang the doorbell again.
No sooner had I finished pressing the button than the front door suddenly swung open with more force than I’d expected. Evan was on the other side, and he was focused on the barely-visible television in the other room rather than on me. The second he’d gotten the door open, his hand left the doorknob and shot back to the gaming controller in his hand. “I said to pause it! Only the first player can!” he shouted.
Riley’s laughter carried from the living room. “No way! I’m two zombies away from passing your body count!”
“Sorry Kayla,” Evan said to me hastily, still not looking at me. “Zombie Guts 3’s versus mode gets kind of intense.”
“I can see that,” I replied, both amused and relieved. Of course they’d failed to come to the door because they’d both been absorbed in their video game. They were notorious for it. I’d never really gotten into video games like they were, but I liked watching them play together. Or at least I’d used to, because it’d been fun to fuel their rivalry from the sidelines. I wasn’t sure it’d be the same now.
I stepped inside and closed the door behind myself; Evan was already rushing back into the living room and retaking his spot on the gaming chair directly in front of the television. I joined Riley on the couch and set my bikini down on the armrest. She shot me a quick grin and then went back to mashing buttons. Onscreen, the female character on the top half of the split screen hacked at a mob of zombies with a samurai sword.
“No fair; you got the sword!” Evan complained. “I was going for that! You only know where to find it because I told you!”
“Everyone knows the Zombie Guts creators always hide swords in the kitchen ovens. I would’ve found it anyway; there’s only one house on this whole map. One house, one oven, one sword!” A serious of sound effects blared from the television suddenly, and the top half of the screen faded to green as the bottom slowly turned red. The green half bore the word “VICTORY”, the red half, “DEFEAT”. “Ha!” Riley teased, pumping a fist victoriously while Evan scoffed in front of us.
“That round doesn’t count. There was interference.”
“More like I won a battle of wills. You gave in and answered the door first.”
“Because it’s my house!”
“Whatever. I still won. But you can play again.” She offered her controller to me. “Kayla, you should try. We can walk you through it.”
“I can watch,” I insisted. “You guys play again.”
“No way.” Riley forced the controller into my hands, and then said to Evan, “Put it on campaign mode.” She turned back to me. “The game has a multiplayer campaign, but it’s only for two players. You can either play as Gregor, this boring muscly dude with a Russian accent, or-”
“Hey! Gregor’s amazing. You just don’t like him because he’s a guy,” Evan interrupted.
“Well, the other option is Lila, and she runs around in combat boots and dual-wields pistols when you start out.”
“Gregor starts off with a machine gun,” Evan added helpfully. “But you can have Lila. We haven’t finished the whole campaign yet, but I’m pretty sure they’re supposed to be dating. We’ll probably find out more as the story goes on.”
“Ew! They’re not dating! Lila would never! I think we’re gonna find out they’re related.”
“No way! Lila isn’t even Russian.”
I looked back and forth between them, growing only more confused as Riley began to gesture to the buttons on the controller and explain what each button did. “Maybe we should play a board game,” I said at last, and they both laughed like I was kidding.
Evan started the first level and we found ourselves in the center of a foggy wooded area. I heard groaning and then the sound of hurried footsteps, and then the word “RUN” blinked on and off on my screen. I saw Evan’s character rush past mine. “Wait, which thumbstick do I use to go?” I asked, and then watched my character look up to the sky when I pressed a thumbstick forward. The zombie sound effects grew louder, and then the screen began to blink red as my controller vibrated. “GUTTED,” the game told me a moment later, and Evan and Riley dissolved into giggles.
“Okay, board game it is,” Riley agreed, and as Evan got up to go sift through the closet in which his family kept their extensive game collection, it certainly felt like we were all just friends again on the outside.
Now if only my insides could catch up.
***
The pool was less crowded than I thought it’d be for a hot Saturday in the summer. There were a few families around, which meant that the shallow end of the pool was filled with parents and their toddlers, but the deep end was entirely deserted. It took Evan less than a minute after we’d arrived to cannonball into the water.
“You forgot sunscreen!” Riley called to him once he resurfaced. She finished rubbing some into her arms, shoulders, and stomach, and then offered the bottle to me so I could do the same to myself.
“Dammit,” I heard Evan say from within the pool. “Well, tell me when you guys are done with it and I’ll get out.”
“I’m done except for my back,” I said.
“Me too. Do mine?” Riley asked me, already moving her hair out of the way and twisting away from me on the poolside recliner we shared.
“Oh. Yeah, sure.” Uncomfortable, I squirted out a glob of sunscreen onto my hands, hesitated for a moment, and then began to rub it into her back. I’d done it at least a dozen times before, but suddenly it felt like a thing. I hoped it was just me and that it didn’t feel weird to her. Or at least that she couldn’t tell that I was feeling weird.
Evan wolf-whistled at us, grinning, and Riley told hi
m, “Don’t be an ass.” I stopped abruptly even though I wasn’t quite finished, unable to keep going after Evan’s teasing. I was sure my face was turning red.
“It should be good enough.”
“Thanks.” Riley turned back to me and then motioned for me to turn away from her, which I gladly did, if only to avoid having to look her in the eyes. I heard Evan getting out of the water a moment later as she rubbed the sunscreen into my back. Her hands were softer than I remembered, and I knew I was overanalyzing way too much right around the time I wondered if they’d lingered on me for a few seconds after she’d finished or if I’d just imagined they had.
“Who’s getting my back?” Evan asked us, and Riley tossed him the bottle dismissively.
“Get your own back.”
“But you guys did each other,” he argued as he moved to dry his torso off with a towel. Riley stood, ignoring him, and then took a running leap into the water. I took pity on him and hastily slathered a layer of sunscreen onto his back once he was dry. “Thanks.”
“No problem,” I told him, and then glanced past him to make sure Riley wasn’t listening before I added, “Thanks for trying today.”
“It’s actually surprisingly effortless,” he told me. “I like dating Riley, but I kinda forgot how much I liked all of us being friends. I think it’s better this way.”
I smiled at him, relieved to hear it. “Me too. Obviously.”
He grinned back, then set the sunscreen aside and offered me his hand. “Let’s get Riley.”
I grabbed his hand in silent agreement, and together, we rushed to the pool and leapt in, aiming right for a foot in front of Riley, who saw us coming too late and hastily shielded her face with her hands before the splash we made swallowed her whole.
“You guys are evil! I hate you!” she spluttered out when she came up to the surface again, and Evan and I exchanged another look of understanding before we both sent a wave of water crashing toward her. She splashed us back a few times, trying valiantly to fight us off, and then I felt sorry for her and turned on Evan, leaping onto him to send him underwater while Riley laughed at us.
We fooled around like that for a while, and for the next few hours, though I remained aware that they were together and that I was single, I felt a little less lonely.
But come the next day, when they were still together and I was still single, the searing ache in my chest I’d been feeling for so long had returned, and I knew that it wasn’t going to go away until I did something about it.
The problem was that I didn’t know what that something was supposed to be.
***
I’d never met any of the friends Nicole had over for her birthday party, but I’d heard about most of them from her at some point, and when she introduced the seven of them, I retained about half of their names. There were four girls and three boys, and I only thought one of the boys was cute: a guy named Michael who’d just finished out his freshman year as well. As far as I knew, they were all upcoming sophomores, with the exception of one of the guys, who looked a little bit too old to be under 21.
The girl Nicole had told me about at the mall, Grace, seemed nice, but she and I didn’t exchange more than a quick greeting before she’d gone back to talking to one of the other girls.
“They hooked up once,” Nicole would tell me about the two girls later. “They’re kind of off and on again, but never official. It’s kind of complicated.”
Despite my own hot and cold relationship with “EvanandRiley”, I invited them to come to the party, figuring I’d be glad I had some company of my own once my mom went to bed and the alcohol inevitably came out.
And come out, it did.
Nicole and her friends took the party outside so that Mom wouldn’t overhear, and once a few drinks had been poured, Evan headed into the fray to grab a couple for Riley and me, and then another for himself. We retreated to the edge of the action afterward, watching Nicole and her friends dance around to music from a portable stereo one of the boys brought.
“Which one was the one you thought was cute?” Riley asked me, and I pointed Michael out. He was dancing with Grace in this intentionally awkward way while she tossed her head back and laughed. I noticed then that she was kind of pretty, and forced my gaze back to Michael.
“You should go talk to him,” Evan suggested, and when Riley gave him a warning look, he insisted, “I mean it! Not so we can be alone, but because you deserve to have a little fun.”
“My thoughts exactly,” I agreed and proceeded to down half of my drink. Riley looked nervous when I finished.
“You don’t know him,” she reminded me.
“Yeah, but they’re Nicole’s friends,” I pointed out. “I trust her judgment. You don’t think he’s cute?”
“No,” she said, and I rolled my eyes at her.
“Whatever. You’re just trying to take the wind out of my sails. Why should I have to sit around all summer alone and miserable while you two enjoy having someone to date? I should be allowed to hook up.”
“Nobody said you couldn’t. But what happened to caring about what you do with your body?” Riley asked. “You ended your longest relationship rather than have sex with someone you knew it wouldn’t work out with. Now you’re all ‘YOLO’ because Evan and I are dating?”
“Yes.” I nodded, then quickly finished the rest of my drink. “Seeing you two together made me realize that life is short. I’m not going to be the girl who stood back and watched everyone else enjoy themselves without participating herself.”
“And she’s not even drunk yet,” Evan marveled, glancing to Riley with amusement.
Riley, however, looked like laughing was the last thing on her mind. “You’re being ridiculous.”
“Whatever.” I rolled my eyes at her. “I’m getting a drink.”
I went back to pour myself another, and felt Nicole’s hand on my back as I turned around with a full cup in my hand. “Hey, be careful,” she told me. “You’re definitely a lightweight. Dwayne and I are taking a trip to get more alcohol – he’s the only one here over 21 – but if you need help while I’m gone, ask Grace, okay?”
I nodded at her and she pointed to Grace, who was no longer dancing with Michael, to make sure I knew who she was. Grace was ready and offered me a quick smile and a wave before she turned back to resume talking to the other girl Nicole said she’d had a thing with. I watched them for a moment, curious. It didn’t seem obvious that they were together, or had been together, or wanted to be together, or whatever it was they were. In fact, they looked a little tense.
I accidentally bumped into Michael on my way back to Evan and Riley, and grabbed at his arm to keep myself from falling. “Oh, man, I’m sorry. You’re okay, right?” he asked me, placing a hand on my shoulder. I nodded at him, suddenly lacking the words to respond properly. He grinned down at me and asked, “You’re Nicole’s sister, right?”
“Yeah,” I said, nodding again, and then added a hasty, “Nice to meet you,” before I hurried away to rejoin my friends. It had taken me about five seconds to realize I was way too chicken to hold a conversation with a guy like Michael, let alone somehow convince him to hook up with me.
“Smooth,” Evan told me when I reached him, smirking. I blushed when I realized he and Riley had seen the whole thing. “You were right,” he said to Riley, next. “She couldn’t do it.”
Riley looked embarrassed, like she hadn’t wanted Evan to say what he’d said in front of me, and I stiffened and turned away from her. It felt like she was taunting me. There she was, with a boyfriend who adored her, and she was openly telling that boyfriend that there was no way I could muster up the courage to even talk to an older guy.
I sat outside with them in silence for a few minutes, mindlessly taking sips of my drink, until suddenly it was gone and I had to go to the bathroom. “Be right back,” I told them, and wandered inside, teetering slightly and trying to shake off a little dizziness.
Grace and her more-than-a-frien
d were the only ones inside when I got there, and they were sitting on the couch in the living room together now, talking in whispers and hisses in a tone that I instinctively knew meant they were fighting, even despite the fact that I was a little drunk and my perceptiveness was suffering.
I slipped inside the bathroom in the hallway as quietly as I could and dabbed at my face with a wet washcloth when I was done, hoping it would cool me off. My face felt hot, and I knew it was probably from the alcohol.
When I left the bathroom, Grace was waiting outside alone. “Oh, sorry,” I mumbled. “If I had known someone was waiting…”
“Don’t worry about it. I’m just getting some water. Nicole said the kitchen sink only has hot right now until someone can come to fix it.” She showed me the glass in her hand, and I nodded my understanding as I got out of her way. She didn’t close the doorway behind herself, so I lingered in the hallway when I realized the other girl had gone back outside.
“Was that girl your girlfriend?” I asked her. She let out a light laugh as she filled the glass, and I had to wait a few seconds for her answer while she took several gulps of water.
“Um, no. It’s a little bit more complicated than that. You wouldn’t get it.”
I furrowed my eyebrows, uncertain if her offending me had been intentional. “I’m not twelve, you know. I’m seventeen.”
“Ah. Right. Super mature,” she joked. Her smile faded when she saw I was glaring. “I’m kidding! Kind of.” She set the glass aside and told me, “Alright, so I’m feeling charitable tonight. I’m gonna give you some advice for college. You ready?”
“Okay,” I replied, eager to hear what she had to say. “Ready.”
“Before you ever even flirt with a girl… or guy, in your case… make sure you both have the same intentions. Especially if it’s someone you’re friends with. Because if one of you wants to hook up and one of you wants more, it gets really complicated really quickly. And you do not want complicated if you were going for casual.”