by Siera Maley
I hesitated. “Actually, Evan and I have plans. We’re hanging out.”
“Oh,” she breathed out, unable to hide the disappointment in her tone. “Okay. That’s— I mean, I’m glad he wants to hang out with you.”
“I am too.” I looked up and saw my mom and Nicole heading toward my table. “I have to go eat lunch. I’ll talk to you later?”
“Sure,” she replied quietly. I bit my lip and moved the phone away from my ear, staring at her picture for a moment before I pressed the button to end our call.
***
“Left thumbstick, Kayla! No, left thumbstick!”
Evan leaned over, panicking, as my character, Lila, looked to her left and then to her right as the zombie ran at her, mouth opening wide and green spit dripping from its tongue. I squealed and yanked the left thumbstick to the right at Evan’s urging, sending Lila hurtling to the right. The zombie rushed past and she spun around, firing wildly in the correct general direction until I was sure it was dead.
Evan collapsed beside me, clutching his chest he was laughing so hard. “Oh, man. You’re really, really bad. Like, you need years of practice.”
“I killed it, didn’t I?” I protested, feigning hurt.
“You did,” he agreed, setting his controller aside with the game paused. “But we can do something else. I know Zombie Guts was always, uh, Riley and I’s thing.”
“We can do this,” I insisted, avoiding his eyes. “She’s not here.”
“I’m sorry I didn’t invite her,” said Evan. “It’s just…”
“It’s only been two days. You’re not crazy,” I told him. “She’s busy today, anyway. There’s something going on at the skate park in, like, half an hour.”
“Oh. Well… we could go watch. I could hang back or something.” He shrugged his shoulders. “It’s kind of a little weird without her, isn’t it? She’s our glue.”
“I know,” I admitted. “But I’m still having fun.”
“Me too.” He sighed and twisted around, then leaned back and placed his head in my lap. I patted him on the head and ruffled his hair as he looked up at me. “I just wish things could be normal. I wish I could feel normal, anyway. But I don’t.” He paused. “You and her are okay, though, right?”
“I haven’t seen her since you guys broke up,” I told him truthfully. “I guess we’re alright, though. It’s not the same with us, either.” Even without throwing in my feelings for her, I still was finding it difficult to figure out how I was supposed to act around Riley now that I was caught in the middle. I wanted to be there for Evan, but I also didn’t want her to feel like I was choosing him over her. However, I also didn’t want her to feel like I was choosing her, because that implied that I wanted to date her. And that decision was an entirely different beast.
I looked down at Evan and wondered if Riley and I hooking up would cost us his friendship, were we to go through with it. I knew the idea of us had crossed his mind, however briefly, and I knew that if Vanessa had dated Josh, whether it was directly after our breakup or several months later, I’d have been furious with her. There was no feasible way I could envision Evan accepting Riley and me as a couple, because if I were in his shoes, I never would. But maybe he was a better person than me. I’d always figured he was.
“What’cha thinking about?” he asked me, furrowing his eyebrows. I ran a hand through his hair again and shrugged my shoulders.
“The three amigos.”
“I’ll try,” he promised me. “Let’s go to her skating thing. I want to.”
“We don’t have to,” I insisted, but he shook his head and sat up.
“Let’s go. I’ll drive.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yeah. C’mon.” He offered his hand to me and smiled, and I felt like crying. He was trying so hard, and here I was, debating whether or not it was morally acceptable for me to date his ex.
I took his hand and told him, “We don’t deserve you.”
He laughed and tugged me forward into a hug. “Yeah, I’m pretty cool.”
***
The Pit had been modified since I’d last seen it. A large ramp had been placed to one side, adding at least another ten feet to the drop, and a small line of skaters had formed at the ladder that led to the top. I didn’t see Riley at first, but I did see one of her friends heading toward the ramp, so I caught him by the arm and asked him, “Hey, have you seen Riley?”
“Riley?” He looked around. “Uh, yeah, just a minute ago I did. She probably went to the bathroom. She’s super nervous about trying the new ramp. They just added it yesterday; the drop’s freaking massive. Three guys have already wiped out trying to slow themselves down afterward. It sends you straight into a massive jump on the other side with an optional grind on the way, and the best way to handle it is to just go for it and get ready for some pretty big airtime.”
“Oh, okay,” I said, and he grinned and skated away.
At my side, Evan murmured, “Totally different language.”
“Yep,” I agreed. We stood together as the next skater dropped down the ramp and then flew across The Pit to the opposite wall. My eyes widened as he went up the wall and at least four feet into the air. When he came down, his board wobbled and then slipped out from under him. He slid across the ground on his back, then immediately curled up and clutched at it, groaning. There were several “oohs” of pain from everyone who’d been watching.
“Well, that clears it up,” said Evan. “Hey, at least I won’t have to deal with trying to act normal around Riley. She’s just gonna die instead.”
“Hey!”
That was Riley, who’d just spotted us upon leaving the bathrooms and was now sailing over to us on her board. “Speak of the devil,” Evan mumbled under his breath as she slowed to a stop a few feet in front of us and then popped her board up into her hands. She had a helmet and pads on, which was relieving.
“You came,” she said to me, smiling with a sort of twinkle in her eyes that had me holding her gaze for a second too long as I grinned back at her. Then I remembered Evan was beside me at the same time that she did, and she looked to him as he forced a smile and a wave.
“Hey, Riley.”
“Ev,” she replied with an affectionate smile. “Hey there.”
“Don’t die,” he advised her. “I’d be sad for like a whole week if you died.”
“That’s probably about six more days than I deserve,” she told him, sighing.
He shoved his hands into his pockets and shrugged. “I gotta pee.”
We watched him walk away together, and then faced each other when he was gone. I felt self-conscious suddenly. I’d thought I was just going to be hanging out with Evan in his living room today, so I hadn’t taken as much time getting ready as I normally would’ve.
“He’ll be okay,” I said to her, and she nodded.
“I knew he would. Are you?”
“Other than being slowly eaten alive by guilt? I’m great.”
“You didn’t do this. I did this,” she told me, and before I could argue, she added, “Anyway, I’m glad you’re here.”
“Evan talked me into coming,” I admitted. “He doesn’t seem to think it’s fair for me to be caught in the middle.”
“He and I agree there.” She squinted at me suddenly, and pointed to just beneath my eye. “Eyelash. Want me to get it?”
“No,” I rushed to say, wiping carefully at my eye. When I pulled my hand away, it was empty.
“Missed it,” she said, and reached out for me. “Here.”
I leaned back from her. “I’ve got it.”
She frowned, and her hand fell to her side. “I’m not gonna maul you if I touch your face for two seconds, Kayla. I’ve had five years to practice self-control around you.”
“Don’t say that here,” I mumbled, flushing as I rubbed at my eye again. This time, I saw the eyelash on my finger when I was done. Riley shot me a disappointed look.
“Alright.” She placed her skateboard back on the gro
und and skated away from me without another word, and I watched her go with a quiet groan.
Evan had one thing right: things had been much simpler when we’d all just been friends.
He returned a minute or so after Riley went to go get into line by the new ramp, and as I watched her stand there, I immediately felt bad for what I’d said to her. What she was about to do was potentially dangerous, and I didn’t want her to do it thinking I was mad at her.
“How’d I do with her?” Evan asked me. “It was okay, right?”
My answer was distracted. “Yeah, it was good.” I glanced to him. “I’ll be right back, okay? Swear.”
“Oh. Alright.”
I left him to walk to Riley, grabbing at her hand to get her attention. “Come,” I told her, and barely gave her time to grab her board before I was dragging her away, over to the back side of the building that housed the restrooms, where I knew we’d have some privacy.
She fixed me with an uncertain look when I released her hand and turned to face her. “What?”
“I’m not mad at you,” I told her. “I’m just… I have a thousand other emotions going on right now and I’m finding it really, really hard to sort through them.” I took a deep breath. “I’m gonna spend some time with Evan to try and help him get through this. I might not see you much this week. But next weekend’s our last weekend before school starts up next Tuesday. You should sleep over.”
“Are you sure that’s a good idea?” she asked.
“No,” I replied honestly. “But I want you to.”
She reached down and took my hand into hers, and I knew without looking that she was linking two of her fingers with two of mine. Her other arm came up to wrap around me, and she pulled me in for a hug, the hand holding her skateboard at my back. “I love you,” she told me gently. “No matter where things go from here.”
I buried my face in her neck and let out a deep breath. “I love you, too.”
***
Riley nailed her turn on the ramp and made four feet of airtime look easy. When she stuck the landing, there were several cheers from the crowd, and even Evan clapped at my side and let out a loud, “Go, Riley!”
Riley found me beside him with her eyes and beamed at me. I raised my arms into the air as I clapped, grinning back at her and then blowing her a kiss. I saw her laugh, and I grinned wider as she slowed to a stop and got off of her board.
I felt like a proud girlfriend.
***
I got my schedule for senior year several days later, on the Friday before school was due to start back up, and both Evan and Riley came over so that we could compare. It was the first time I’d seen them together truly voluntarily since they’d broken up, and though they sat on opposite ends of my living room, things between the three of us felt strangely… okay.
“Wait, you got Mr. Morello for AP Spanish IV, too?” Evan asked, perking up as Riley read through her schedule.
“Sí, señor,” Riley replied, and Evan grinned.
“Awesome. I heard he’s terrible, so thankfully I don’t have to suffer alone.”
“I’m so switching to fourth period lunch to be with you guys,” I told them. “Evan, we never get classes together because I’m an idiot.”
“You’re not an idiot,” he insisted. “You’re a jock.”
“That’s worse,” Riley cut in with a laugh, and I shot her a mock-offended look. “What? It is.”
“Anyway,” I replied, “let me do mine. What do we have so far? You two have Spanish, English, and Lunch together, Riley and I have Art and I’ll get us Lunch, and then Evan and I will have Lunch, too. That should be it, right?”
“Should be,” Evan confirmed. “That’ll be good, though. But you have to actually eat at our table this time!”
“I always have classes with Vanessa,” I told them. “So I’ll let her know I want to eat with you guys this year. It’s our last one.”
“I know, right?” Riley marveled. “Can you believe this time next year we’ll be moving into dorm rooms? Probably at different schools, too.”
“Eh, not necessarily,” Evan said with a shrug. “I want to go somewhere nearby.”
“Ew, why? You could probably go Ivy League,” I reminded him. “You have to apply to at least one.”
“I don’t know; I kinda wanna stay pretty local. Going off on my own is intimidating. I mean, maybe I’ll be ready for it in a year, but we’ll see.” He shrugged again. “Could be nice to stick close to you guys. I can’t imagine life without seeing you on at least a weekly basis.”
“I know,” Riley agreed. “I’d miss you both way too much.” She and Evan shared a look and a smile, and I felt one of my own emerge at the sight of them getting along. Then I bit at my lip and smothered it as I stared at Riley. Things between all of us were just showing signs of being on their way back to normal, but every time Riley and I looked at each other, I could tell we were both thinking about ruining it all.
“Any idea what Nicole’s doing this year?” Evan asked me, pulling me from my thoughts. “Is she living in the dorms again or is she getting her own apartment?”
“Her own apartment,” I told him. “But she’s still living with, uh…” I went slightly red and avoided Riley’s eyes. “With Grace.”
“Huh.” Evan tried to act casual, but I could tell he was trying not to laugh at me. I guessed maybe it was a good thing that he thought of my kiss with Grace as a joke now, given that the other option was a potentially slippery slope that’d lead to him questioning my feelings for Riley again. “Well, maybe we’ll be seeing more of your new girlfriend, then.”
“Shut up,” I retorted hastily. Riley looked away from me as Evan laughed again and got to his feet.
“Anyway, I promised my parents I’d be home before dinner, so I gotta head out. If I don’t see you guys before school starts, I guess I’ll catch you at lunch on Tuesday?”
“Sounds like a plan,” Riley agreed, and Evan waved goodbye to us and then moved to open the front door. It shut behind him, and I immediately collapsed backwards on the couch, staring up at the ceiling.
“I hate this,” I deadpanned. Riley crossed the room to come sit at my side and reached down to brush my hair out of my face.
“Yeah, me too,” she sighed out. “We should figure out what we’re doing.”
“It’s barely been two weeks since you ended it with him,” I mumbled. “We’d be horrible people.”
“Maybe he’d understand,” Riley proposed. “He knows what it’s like to fall for his best friend. He knows you can’t help it.” I arched an eyebrow at her in disbelief, and she deflated. “Or maybe he’d never want to speak to us again.”
“We haven’t even done anything wrong,” I reminded her. “We can’t help our feelings. We haven’t acted on them, so we haven’t done anything wrong. Right?”
“You and my Bible-thumping grandfather would get along,” Riley told me.
I shot her a look. “Not what I meant. There’s nothing wrong with who you are, or who I… might be, or whatever. I don’t have a problem with…”
“Liking girls?” Riley finished. “For someone with no problem with it, you sure have a hard time saying it.”
“Because it means I was wrong about a lot of things I thought I knew about myself,” I explained. “Maybe I can just like you.”
“Okay. So you just like me,” agreed Riley. “Now what do we do?”
I snatched at the nearest pillow on the couch and pressed it to my face. “I don’t know,” I groaned, my voice muffled.
“Well, let’s figure out what we’re not going to do. Rule some stuff out. Like… we’re not going to go have fake IDs made tonight so that we can drive to Vegas and get married.”
“Oh, we’re not? Awesome, now everything is clear to me,” I sighed out, moving the pillow away from my face to glare at her.
“That was a joke,” she explained, very slowly. “I’m trying to cheer you up, because you kind of seem like you’re panicking right now.
” She glanced to the door. “What time are your mom and sister getting home?”
“I don’t know. Why?”
“Because I don’t want to be in here having this conversation when they come back.”
“My sister knows you’re gay,” I told her.
“Yeah, I figured that out pretty quickly,” she replied, surprising me. “I still don’t want her walking in on this, because I’m guessing she doesn’t know about you.”
“I don’t know about me.”
“Yes, we’ve established that.” She took my hand and stood, then helped me get to my feet. “Let’s do this in your room.”
“Oh, yeah, definitely. On my bed,” I sassed as she led me there. “Genius idea. I wonder which decision you’re leaning toward making.”
“Hey,” she replied, offended. We entered my room and she closed the door behind her, watching me as I sat on my bed. “I’m just as torn as you are. I don’t want to hurt our friend.”
“So then it’s decided,” I said, scooting back instinctively when she moved to join me on the bed. I tried to ignore the way my pulse quickened due to our proximity as I suggested, “We stay friends to spare Evan’s feelings.”
“There’s a small problem with that,” replied Riley, inching closer to me. I tried to widen the gap between us again, but I was already at the head of my bed and had nowhere else to go.
“No idea what you’re talking about,” I tried to joke, and she smiled at me like she sympathized.
“Just because we don’t date doesn’t mean this feeling goes away. How long does it stick around? What happens if one of us dates someone else?” She paused. “What happens if there’s an eyelash on your face in public, and we get into an argument because you don’t want me touching you?”
“I can fix that,” I decided. “I’ll get better at it.”
She forced a laugh. “Yeah, right. You freeze up and get this deer-in-the-headlights look on your face.” She reached for my face before I could protest, and I stilled, wide-eyed. She laughed at me as her thumb brushed my chin. “See? Like that.”