by Olive East
I smiled a real smile and looked in the direction Aaron would have to be to take the shot.
“Remember when we did that all the time?” he asked, not smiling as I approached him.
“Remember? I like invented it.”
During the height of our love affair, I’d stealthily take pictures of Aaron and then text them to him later. It was disturbing and weird and fun. He soon got in on the action and it turned into an all-out war to see who could get the creepiest shot. Things got so out of hand that we ended up banning the game entirely.
My phone once contained only candid pictures of him. I still got that twinge in my chest when I’d go to my camera roll and not see his face.
“How’ve you been?” He seemed sad at the memory too, if I was reading him right.
“Fine. Is Sadie with you?” I was trying to shake off the melancholy.
“No. I’m alone. She sent me here to buy favors for the groomsmen. She said it was the least I could do.”
“In the lingerie section?” It also occurred to me that the buying of favors meant they were one step closer to actually having the wedding, but I didn’t want to ask. Asking would blow my carefully crafted too-chill-to-care-about-the-wedding attitude.
The corners of his mouth lifted. It was the first expression he had since the conversation began. “Everybody likes thongs. What’re you doing here?”
“Shopping.”
“For thongs?” He took a red barely there number off the display to his right and flung it at me.
“Maybe.” I smirked, then felt rosy blush cover my cheeks, so I bent over to pick up the underwear and hide my face.
“You busy? Would you mind helping me?”
“Sure. What are you looking for?”
“Well, besides the shit for the groomsmen, I need a wild goose.”
“To cook?”
“No. To give to Lydia.”
We started to walk, but neither of us really had a direction in mind, so we just bumped into each other until I picked a path and Aaron followed. Aaron’s sneakers squeaked on the highly polished floor and the sound acted as another memory trigger.
Clunky men’s tennis shoes always conjure images of Frankenstein’s monster in my mind, but on Aaron they didn’t bother me so much. He never gave me a hard time about the lashes, so I never said anything about his shoe obsession, but it did make me wonder if I had a thing for men’s shoes.
“For her to cook?” I asked about the goose. “I don’t think they sell poultry at the mall.”
“What are you talking about? No, not to cook. I’m looking for a decorative goose to give Lydia. It’s a Korean tradition and my dad said I have to do it.”
“Oh.” It made me squirm to think about Mr. Kim passing wedding traditions along to Aaron and I didn’t want to talk about it. “Why?” Damn my curiosity.
“Say again?” He cracked his knuckles and acted like he couldn’t hear me.
I knew he could hear me—I was speaking loudly, facing his good ear, it was the only logical question to ask, and he was reading my lips—but I repeated myself anyway.
Why a goose? What does that mean? I mouthed the words as I signed them. Go ahead and ask me to repeat myself this time, I dared him.
“Wild geese mate for life, so it’s supposed to mean that or some shit. Gram June still has the one from my dad, you’ve seen it.”
“Oh yeah, the ceramic one on her fireplace. That’s really beautiful.”
To clarify, the tradition was beautiful. It was really sweet how even though Aaron’s dad is Korean and his mom isn’t, his Gram has kept that ceramic bird all these years.
As far as symbolic gestures go, it was romantic, but for Aaron and Sadie it didn’t fit. I highly doubted I was the only one who knew they wouldn’t mate for life.
We were in and out of every knick-knack store in the mall and had nothing to show for it. Aaron wasn’t trying very hard and I was having a nice time, so it didn’t seem to matter. We both knew finding a goose in the mall would be, dare I say, a wild goose chase.
Sadie was right, though; it was the least Aaron could do. As far as I knew, which was limited to random rumblings from Sadie and a candid talk with Lydia, he still hadn’t done one thing to contribute to the planning of their wedding. A lot of grooms might act that way, but I wouldn’t want to marry someone who didn’t care about a single detail.
It was on our fourth loop around the first floor of the mall when everything changed.
“Why haven’t you returned my calls?” Aaron asked.
“I don’t know. Things got really weird that night.”
“Are you mad at me?”
“Are you mad at me?”
We both answered “No” at the same time.
“What about Sadie?” I asked.
He exhaled and slowed his walking. “Let’s just leave her out of this. Not everything has to be about goddamn Sadie.”
Trouble in paradise.
I kept my mouth shut about Sadie even though I was dying to know what was going on. I figured it was just talk; he was there to buy things for the wedding, after all. Wasn’t he?
Instead, I apologized. “I should’ve called you back. I gave you shit for not coming after me when I was upset and then I go and do the same thing to you. I’m sorry, but you know I can’t be in a situation that could…” I trailed off, not wanting to finish the thought, but also not having to because Aaron already knew.
“So that’s what this is all about? Your dad?” He swiped his shaggy black hair across his forehead.
“That’s why I was mad in the first place. Sadie’s the one who brought him up, then she lied to me about you being in town.”
“Can’t you just be done with this already? Can’t you just be around me without everything exploding?”
“I’m so over everything, believe me, but she just sprung you on me and lied about it. I wasn’t expecting to spend the night with the both of you.”
Aaron stopped walking, hooked his thumbs through the empty belt loops of his jeans, and said, “I’d pay with my life for a night with both of you.”
“Aaron,” I reprimanded him, “you can’t say things like that—you’re engaged.” My horror at the statement was fake. Even though he was being gross, I knew he was only kidding.
“Right. To Sadie, who would be included in the fun too.”
I laughed and shook my head. “She doesn’t like to share.”
“You know what, this isn’t about Sadie. This is about you and me. For once can we just focus on us and no one fucking else?”
“I’m sorry, you’re right.”
Don’t be. I’m sorry. I’m sorry for not going after you, I’m sorry for yelling at you, I’m sorry for everything. Although Aaron’s speech was only slightly impaired from the hearing loss, he liked to sign when he had something really important to say.
At least, he liked to sign to me. I don’t know what he did when he had something important to convey to Sadie. Maybe they never said important things to each other.
Aaron, it’s fine. No big deal, I signed as we stood in the middle of the mall. Things were feeling über intense for us to just be talking about an apology.
Picking up the pace again, I headed toward the coffee shop tables by the escalator. Aaron followed.
“It’s not fine, Ollie.” He spoke the words because I wasn’t looking at him. “I’ve been so absent from your life and I knew you needed me. When things got all complicated and fucked up, I bitched out. I don’t want to be that guy—the guy who takes the easy way out.”
I turned to face him. Things got really hard really quick and we were young. We’re still young. Anyone would react the same way. I was the opposite of Aaron when it came to signing. I did it to hide things.
Aaron sat on the uncomfortable-looking silver chair; I stood. When things got too real my instincts told me to run, and that was exactly what I wanted to do. I didn’t know where he was going with this, but I didn’t think it would be somewhere g
ood.
“We said we’d stay close and we meant it, or at least I know I did. I don’t know what happened, but I failed you.”
He doesn’t know what happened? What a stupid thing to say. He got down on one knee, pulled out a ring, and asked my best friend to marry him. Or at least I think he did. I never did hear the full proposal story. For some reason, whenever anyone went to tell it my brain short-circuited and I couldn’t hear anymore.
“I’m okay,” I unconvincingly told him.
“Will you sit down?” He kicked the chair out from under the table, making a horrible screeching sound. I sat and perched on the edge. Fight or flight? “I just need you to know I’m really sorry and I really mean it.”
“Okay, thank you, and you’re forgiven.”
He smiled but I could tell he didn’t mean it.
I reached across the silvery tabletop to squeeze his hand in reassurance, but Aaron had a different idea. He flipped his hand over, palm up, and held mine in his.
“I miss you,” he said, latching a million memories on to the words like they were stuck behind a gate and he just uttered the password to unlock them. I don’t think I ever missed him more than in that moment as he held my hand. And I missed him a lot.
“Maybe I can call you sometime,” I said, not sure why. “You know me really well, and you’re a good listener, and sometimes I need someone to talk to.” I was rambling, I sounded needy, and I had no idea where the surge of emotion was coming from.
“I’ve been calling you.” He ran his thumb across my knuckle. “So maybe you’ll pick up?”
I nodded.
Was it just friendly, or more? That was the real question.
“I’ll answer next time.” I meant that.
“Good, I’ll call you.” He stood up, still trying to hold my hand, but I let go. “Do you want to go somewhere and eat or something?”
I shook my head. “No, I’ve gotta go home. I spent too much today already.” I held up my bags to emphasize my point, and honestly, I couldn’t afford what I’d already spent. It was almost all makeup, as usual. Makeup and more fake lashes to get me through the month, if not the apocalypse.
“Come on, O. I’ll pay for your Mountain Dew and fries.”
The offer was extremely appealing, even to a hermit like me, and that was exactly why I knew I couldn’t go.
Chapter Eight
After that day at the mall, I found myself hanging out with Aaron and Sadie more often. I willingly went along with Sadie’s inane desire for me to third-wheel it with her and Aaron. I told myself I was going out to try and battle some of my social anxieties. I could call Val and tell her all about it. It’d make her happy that I was actively pursuing a social life even if it was bullshit.
I was even trying to convince myself being social would heal me. If only it was really that simple.
Bottom line, I was spending time with Sadie and Aaron because I wanted to see Aaron. I knew it, and I think he knew it too. He never outright said anything, but it was an electricity I could feel whenever Sadie would leave us alone. It was a tension that wrapped around all of us like an extension cord.
Despite what Aaron made me feel, my darkness was still there. It was always with me, but I was starting to act like a living, breathing person again. Of course, I wished it wouldn’t have to take stealing glances at a guy I thought I was over and who also just happened to be engaged to my best friend, but I wasn’t in a position to question my happiness.
Sadie would tell a lame joke and I’d actually laugh, or Aaron would mock me every time I’d sign to him and I enjoyed it.
“How’s your boyfriend?” Sadie asked as Aaron was on his fourth trip to the dinner buffet at Eat’n Park.
“Who’re you talking about now?” I kept my eyes focused on the blue vinyl of the booth.
“The good doctor, of course.” She wiggled her eyebrows. “Have you guys been dating?” She sipped her strawberry milkshake like it was a preview to the sweet treat I was about to give her.
“Dating? No.”
“Why not? Is there someone else?” Her eyes briefly flickered in Aaron’s general direction. Or at least I thought they did. I could’ve been seeing things brought on by the paranoia of crushing on her fiancé.
“Nope,” I said a little too quickly. “I wish there was, but there isn’t.”
“I think you should go for it with William. He’s the definition of a dreamboat.”
“Dreamboat? How old are you?”
Sadie scowled then said, “Younger than your boyfriend,” in a sing-songy voice.
I rolled my eyes. “Anyway, exactly, he’s a dream, as in never going to happen in real life.” I flicked my rolled-up straw paper to the floor, then felt guilty about it.
“Clearly he likes you. Why else would he spend the night with you?”
“We didn’t—”
Sadie put up her hand to stop me. “All I mean is you stayed the whole night at his house. That means something. I’ve lived across the street from him for two years and no car has ever been there overnight. Not even once.”
Hope bubbled out of my chest and down to my stomach. I felt a physical rush at what her words could possibly imply. I’d been thinking about Brooks often since that night, but the memory was all I would ever have.
Maybe I’d see him again, purely because of the location of his house, but I couldn’t imagine spending another night like that with Brooks. I’d used up all my nerve going over there last time and everything that ever happened in my life proved I wasn’t that lucky to experience it again.
What she said also presented another problem. If Brooks moved into that house two years ago, that was before she was dating Aaron. They could’ve gone out a few times. They might have even kissed. Maybe more. And there was nothing I could even do about it.
“Sadie, it wasn’t like that. It won’t happen again. Besides, I’m sure you’ve missed a few nights of keeping tabs on him.” I mainly said it so I’d believe it.
“It could happen if you try.” She seemed annoyed as she jabbed her straw in her pink shake.
“Look, O, I jacked an extra cornbread muffin for you.” Aaron tossed it to me and I let it skid across the table without making a move for it.
The expression on Sadie’s face told me I’d better not.
“What the fuck, Ollie?” Aaron complained.
“Sorry.” I picked it up and put it on my napkin but didn’t touch it again.
***
Sadie insisted I come over after dinner so she could show me her latest garter or something. She hardly ever showed me anything, so I don’t know why it was so important to show me the new one.
The spare bedroom at her mom’s had been converted into wedding central over the last few months and lodged dozens of magazines, sample centerpieces, china choices, fabric swatches, and of course The Dress. I wasn’t positive, but I think Sadie had another layer of crinoline added to the striking white ball gown every time I saw it out of the corner of my eye on the way to the bathroom.
“Is that my Oboe I hear?” Sadie’s mom poked her head in the wedding room.
“Hey, Lydia.” I never had to fake enthusiasm for her and constantly wished she was my biological mom.
“You’ve been a stranger,” she accused. Lydia is so petite and dark-haired I often wondered how she produced a leggy blonde. I never met Sadie’s father, and neither did she, but I imagined Sadie took after him.
“I’ve been in and out,” I informed her. “It’s you who has been missing.”
“Look around! I have to work as much overtime as I can to afford this wedding extravaganza.” She picked up a pile of faux petals and threw them in the air as if she was a flower girl, making me laugh. Sadie made a sour face and scrambled to collect all the pale pink litter. “So I heard the scoop about you and the giant hottie across the street.”
“Sadie.” I shot her a look. Nothing even happened between us and she was spreading the word like I was pregnant with his love child.
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“I’m excited, and you know I can’t contain myself when I get excited.”
Lydia popped her hip and rested it against the magazine-covered desk. “I can’t tell you how happy I am you’ve got a new love interest, Ollie. You really deserve an incredible man and he certainly seems to be one.”
“Really, I’m hardly his love interest.” I had to keep telling myself that. Just talking about it got my heart racing and my brain planning a future.
“God, Mom. Stop hounding her.”
We both ignored Sadie.
Once I was shown the lacy scrap of material, Sadie was suddenly dying for an after-dinner walk. I could see the setup a mile away, but I went along with it because I wanted it to happen. I had to borrow Sadie’s new white moto jacket because I hadn’t worn one at all. It barely fit me and I had to take off my sweater to get it to zip, leaving me only in a black tank. That probably didn’t help keep me much warmer at all, but it looked fantastic.
As soon as we stepped outside, I noted Brooks’s lights were on. Hope, that bastard, made his presence known.
We made two laps around the moderately cold and severely boring block without seeing anyone, but I had squeezed into a too-tight jacket that wasn’t even my color, so I wasn’t giving up. I wasn’t going to let a little thing like frostbitten toes and fingers stop me.
We powered on.
“Thanks for taking a walk with me.” I playfully bumped into Sadie’s shoulder.
“Sure, sure. I was the one to ask you though, remember?”
“I feel like a stalker,” I said, finally admitting we were only walking to see Brooks.
“Um, no. This is what you have to do to trap a man.” Sadie pulled her pink cowl neck sweater up around her ears, making me jealous of her source of warmth.
“Trap.” I laughed until I realized I was the only one. “Wait, you mean it?”
“Well, yeah. I mean, no, no, it’s just you have to make things go your way sometimes or you might miss out on something great.”
Sadie knew a lot about making things go her way. If her relationship with Aaron wasn’t proof enough, when we were eighteen and Lydia wouldn’t buy Sadie her third Louis Vuitton bag, Sadie started working as a shot girl. She earned the money in less than three weeks.