"I don't know anymore. It's been such a mess between us lately, that I don't know what to do or if there's anything we can do. It's like we're fighting to bring our relationship back from the dead ... but I don't know if I want to resurrect it."
Samson's statement felt like a slap in the face. I was furious with him. For allowing us to get to this point without telling me how unhappy he was. For going out with some random girl last night and lying to me about it. I could continue the list, but his eyes gaped into me, waiting for a response.
"I thought we could make it through anything. We've been there for each other our whole lives. I don't want this to tear us apart. I'm so upset with you, but I don't want to throw everything away!" Tears sprang to my eyes and I knew I couldn't cry. Not here, in public.
Samson reached his hand out and touched the inside of my wrist. The familiar touch sent a shiver down my spine. I didn't ever want to be without his touch.
"I don't want to throw everything away either, but are we just continuing this relationship because it's comfortable? We're both really busy with our lives; maybe time away from one another is what we need."
I yanked my wrist free. "Time? Are you serious?" I shouted. The other patrons stared openly at us. "I don't need time. I forgive you for canceling on me last night. Obviously you weren't thinking clearly. We can work this out," I pleaded.
"I am thinking clearly, Aubs. Why do you want to be with me? You're miserable. We rarely see each other anymore and we both know the phone calls aren't working." Samson looked down at his watch and then at his cell phone.
"Are you waiting for a call? That girl you went out with last night?" It suddenly dawned on me that the reason he wanted out. "I can't believe this! You want to end things so you can date someone new?" I stood up quickly, knocking my chair into the person behind me. "You're such an asshole!"
Tears streamed down my face and I wasn't able to contain my emotions any longer. I grabbed my purse from the table and rushed out of the door. I heard Samson shouting my name, but I didn't stop my feet from moving. I walked to the corner as quickly as I could, so I could hail a cab. I wanted to disappear before Samson had the chance to catch up, but he was at my side in no time. He reached for my wrist, stopping me.
"Please, Aubrey. Don't walk away mad." He held my wrist tightly in his hand, waiting for me to face him.
I turned to look at him, not caring if I had black streaks of mascara running down my cheeks. "Hear this loud and clear, Samson. When you realize that you made a huge mistake and call me next week begging for forgiveness, I may not be around to give it to you. Whoever this tramp is that you're running after better be worth it."
Stunned, Samson's arms dropped to his sides. The large blue eyes I loved so much closed, hiding his emotion from the world. The man I fell in love with was gone and replaced by a soulless boy.
Aubrey left without another word. She believed I was running after another girl. Was I? My head was spinning from the drama-filled morning. I felt shattered. My relationship with Aubrey had been bad lately, but the thought of not having her in my life scared the shit out of me. Natalia had been a distraction, like she'd had me under some kind of spell. My thoughts were always running to her. Confusion had taken up permanent residence in my brain, and trying to sort out anything was hopeless. I wanted to run after Aubrey and take back what I had said, but the moment she got into the cab, I knew I had let her go. I had let go of us.
The vibration in my pocket snapped me out of my daze and I retrieved my phone from my pocket. Natalia's reply: Okay.
If I were to tell my mom all of this, she would say something like, "You've made your bed, now lie in it." Would I look back on this day as a colossal screw up or as the best decision I ever made?
I returned to the campus, eager to see Natalia and get everything out into the open. I didn't know which room she lived in, so I dialed her number.
"Samson, hi. I just texted you back." Her tone was clipped.
"What room number are you in?"
"Excuse me? Why do you need that?"
"I need to see you. What's your room number?" I repeated.
"Can we just meet later? I mean–"
"Please, Natalia."
She sighed into the phone. "2725. If you give me just–"
I quickly hung up my phone, hoping she'd realize I was already on my way.
When Natalia opened her door, wariness showed on her face.
"What couldn't wait until tonight?"
"We need to talk." I realized I'd said the same thing to Aubrey earlier, and both times, I felt sick.
After a few seconds of deliberating, Natalia finally let me in. I looked around her room, slightly amused by the bare walls on both sides. They'd been here almost a week, and still no decorations up. Kingsley wasn't around and Natalia looked like she had been sleeping. She was wearing grey yoga pants and a black tank top. Her golden hair was piled on top of her head and her face was bare. She exuded so much innocence and her body was like a magnet to mine. Before I arrived in this room, before I looked into Natalia's eyes, I was conflicted with the choice I had made. Seeing her, being this close to her, was all the confirmation I needed.
"I couldn't wait to see you. Last night, you didn't give me a chance to explain."
I stepped closer to Natalia. She was standing next to her desk, studying my face. Her eyes were slightly squinted, while her lips pursed together.
"Quit stalling and explain."
I took a deep breath, calming myself, and began. "Since I came to Juilliard, things between Aubrey and I have taken a turn for the worse. I always thought that if I strayed from her, it would break me, but I'm standing here before you and I'm not broken. I actually feel whole for the first time in what seems like forever. I know I should be upset that I just ended things with my girlfriend, and I am, but in a lot of ways," my feet stepped closer to Natalia, "I feel like it was the best decision I've ever made because as I look at your face, it seems like everything will be okay." My voice cracked.
Natalia closed the distance between us and softly brushed the short stubble along my jaw line. She pulled me down and placed both of her arms around my neck, bringing our bodies together in a hug. Without saying a word, I knew everything would be okay
"Samson," she whispered, "I don't know what to do."
I looked into her eyes. "I don't either. I didn't expect to have feelings for you, but I do. I can't help that."
"You just broke up with your girlfriend. You can't just come in here and tell me that you have feelings for me." Her voice rose, the anger seeping out.
"Do you want me to lie and say I don't? I can't deny how you make me feel. I know I'm an asshole. Yes, I just broke up with my girlfriend, but my relationship with Aubrey was going to end eventually."
She backed away from me. "You and Aubrey have been together for so long. How were you so sure it was going to end?" The disbelief showed on her face.
"When it stopped being a relationship and became forced. I knew we couldn't go back. The love wasn't there anymore."
Natalia leaned against her desk. I wanted to wrap my arms around her waist and kiss the sweet spot behind her ear. Her body called to me. I wished we could dance together every minute of the day just so I had an excuse to touch her.
"I refuse to be your rebound." Natalia turned and walked to the window, peering out at the traffic-filled street.
I stood directly behind her. The sunlight created a soft glow against her pale skin. Her intoxicating fragrance invaded my senses. I wanted her.
"You could never be anyone's rebound. I have a feeling people have a hard time leaving you."
She turned with my last sentence, a small smile on her lips. "I need some time to think about this–"
I cut her off, knowing what the next words would be. "Just hear me out. Those hours in the cafe, sitting across from you, made me aware of how much I've been missing in my life."
My declaration made her face appear flustered. "Maybe you ju
st need right now. Maybe–"
"I have enough friends." I pulled her against my chest, feeling her heart beat wildly. I kissed her and hoped it could convey what my words couldn't.
"You can't just waltz into my room, say those kinds of things, and expect me to jump all over you!" I yelled at Samson, feeling the veins in my neck began to protrude. I pushed him away, even though every ounce of my being wanted him near. The intensity between us was unmistakable, but having him go from wanting me as a friend one minute, to having feelings for me the next, left me feeling dizzy.
"What can I say to make you understand?" Samson ran his fingers through his hair, and for the first time I noticed that it wasn't in its typical perfect state, but messy. "Natalia, I'm sick of holding myself back. Hiding who I really am just so I can make everyone else happy. It feels right when I'm near you; it feels like everything falls into place."
His hands caressed my cheeks. I gently pulled them away, but held them in my own.
"Samson, my entire life has been a struggle. For me, dance wasn't a secret, but the only option I was ever given. I'm also sick of restraining myself."
He looked at the floor, nodding. "It's so crazy how different our backgrounds are, and yet, they're so similar," Samson said, as his thumb began circling the outside of mine.
"I want to believe everything you're telling me, but it's hard to do when I feel like up until this point, you've only played games with me. How am I supposed to trust you?"
"This is how I feel, Natalia. You can accept it and tell me you feel the same way." Samson's arms encircled my waist.
"Just stop! Don't assume that I have feelings for you. It would be a surprise to know that someone in this world doesn't want you, wouldn't it?" I pushed him away. I hated that Samson assumed I wanted him. He's right, though. He's all I've wanted since he tapped my shoulder.
"I know all about you, Natalia. You're so scared of letting your feelings escape you. The only time I've seen you vulnerable is when you dance." Samson wrapped his muscular arms around my waist, holding me tight against his chest. "Do you have feelings for me, Natalia? If you say you don't, then fine. I'll accept your lie and we'll remain friends."
I felt my blood boil, knowing that my cheeks were already bright pink. "You expect me to just stand here and spill my feelings all over this tacky, carpeted floor? I'm not going to do that." I swallowed the tears that began to rise in my throat.
Samson looked down at me, his face wiped of all emotion. He shook his head and broke the embrace.
"You're not the girl I thought you were." He turned to walk out the door, but stopped for what felt like forever. "No. This is bullshit." He turned back around and marched to the spot directly in front of me. "You are that girl. You can deny it all you want, but the moment I saw you, I knew you'd be the girl that would make me happy."
Before I had a chance to turn away, Samson pushed his lips against mine. Every word that was stuck in my throat dissolved, leaving my mind whirling. I wasn't finished being angry at him. I wanted to yell and throw things, but as soon as he kissed me, my entire body went slack. He made me forget we were fighting.
"How do you do that?" I asked, out of breath.
"Do what? This?" Samson bent forward and kissed me again, more forceful this time. "Are you done yelling at me or do I need to kiss you some more?"
I opened my eyes to peek up at Samson and saw the sincere look on his face.
"Yes, I have feelings for you, but it scares the shit out of me. When you kissed me the first night, it was like all of the coldness I felt toward you evaporated, but the second you left, it refroze into a glacier. How am I supposed to believe what you're saying when you pull me in only to push me away?"
Samson contemplated my question. Before he spoke, he took a deep breath and closed his eyes for a moment. "Do you remember in the cafe, when I was telling you about my father and how completely screwed up his way of thinking is? How he's never been happy with me?"
"I remember." My voice was low. My throat felt raw.
"Being surrounded by that every day of my life, that's the reason I am the way I am. There weren't many people in my life that knew the real me, and I never cared that much until I met you. I want to show you exactly who I am. Just let me do that."
I reached my hand up to cradle his face. "I can try doing the same."
When Samson's lips touched mine this time, I could have sworn I was sinking into the ground. After what felt like hours, I pulled away. Samson opened his eyes, a look of concern on his face.
"I don't want to take things too quickly. You just ended things with your girlfriend."
I stepped away. His smile almost made me forget I'd just told him I wanted to take things slowly. I had gotten my heart shattered once, and I never wanted to feel that way again. I had to walk into this with both eyes open, slowly dip my toes in. If all remained steady, then I'd submerge my whole self.
Samson's phone vibrated. After looking to see who it was, he looked back at me with an irritated look on his face. "I should take this. I'll be right back." He turned and answered the call as he walked out of the room.
I knew it was his girlfriend, Aubrey. Or, ex-girlfriend. I felt a sudden pang of jealousy in my stomach, like I'd just been punched by Mike Tyson. I should have felt guilty. Here was Samson, kissing me and telling me he liked me, on the same day that he broke up with his childhood sweetheart. I must have lost my mind. It was irrational to jump to conclusions, but I couldn't stop thinking that he would take back everything he said and run back to Aubrey. I stood in the center of my room, thanking God that Kingsley wasn't here to witness the show. She would say something like, "I told you Samson was an asshole."
After ten minutes, I wondered if Samson was even outside my room anymore. I placed my ear to the door but it was no use, I couldn't hear anything but the students exiting their rooms and chatter filling the hallway. This is what it had come to. I had developed feelings for a guy who stood on the opposite side of my door talking to his ex-girlfriend.
"Hello?" I softly closed Natalia's door. I knew I probably shouldn't have answered, but the way things had ended on the street corner with Aubrey felt wrong.
All I heard on the other side of the call was sniffling. It made me feel like a complete asshole.
"Aubs?"
"What did we do, Samson? I never thought we'd break up." Aubrey continued weeping into the phone, her words muffled.
"I know it's upsetting, but–"
"You're not even upset!" Aubrey accused.
"I am, but I think this is the best thing for us. We need to allow ourselves to be happy. Aubrey, we stopped being happy a long time ago."
Natalia was on the other side of the door and I was eager to get off the phone. I felt like I was being torn in two. I didn't want Natalia waiting for me, knowing exactly who I was talking to, but I also didn't want Aubrey destroyed.
"I never stopped being happy! You're my best friend, Samson. I can't lose you to someone else." Her tone was persistent. She was determined to mend things between us.
"You'll never lose me, Aubrey. We're always going to be in each other's lives, we just need to figure out who we are when we're apart." My voice remained calm.
"That's ridiculous. Without you, I'm nothing."
Her words tugged at my heart. I used to feel that way about her, but that feeling was gone.
"I'm sorry, Aubrey–"
"No, you're not," she cut me off. "You and this girl will be riding off into the fucking sunset in no time!" Aubrey's voice rose.
The hurt in her voice made me feel sick. I hated myself in that moment. "I'm not with Natalia!" I shouted. I quickly lowered my voice. "I'm not with anyone." The truth was slightly omitted to protect Aubrey's feelings. Natalia and I agreed to take things slow, neither of us wanting to rush into anything. I wasn't with anyone yet.
"Natalia? Is that her name?" Aubrey seethed.
"Aubrey, I didn't answer this call to argue."
"Her name doesn't
matter anyway. You'll get bored with her in a few weeks and see that leaving me was the worst decision you've ever made."
"How can you be so sure that we are supposed to be together? We've never experienced anything else. We stayed together this whole time because it was all we ever knew."
"I can't believe you!" she shouted into the phone. "When you're finished being a disgusting piece of shit, you'll come crawling back home!"
Aubrey hung up on me, as usual. For a moment, I wondered if I was doing the right thing. I came to New York to dance. Feelings for Natalia appeared out of nowhere, but if I didn't allow myself to discover their meaning, I would always wonder. I stuffed my phone back into my pocket, took a few relaxing breaths, and turned the knob to Natalia's door. When I entered the room, Natalia looked like she'd just been caught robbing a bank.
"Everything okay in here?" I ran my hand through my hair.
"Yup. Everything is good," Natalia said innocently.
"I'm sorry about that. It was Aubrey." I was still fuming from the phone call. I needed to calm down. I needed a drink.
"Is everything okay between you two?"
"If you're asking in girl code if Aubrey and I are back together, the answer is no." I walked closer to Natalia, our noses practically touching. "So, we both agreed we'd take things slow, but how slow are we talking?" I smiled down at Natalia while she warily looked at me. "Are you thinking just pecks on the cheek?" I bent down and kissed her cheek. "Are you thinking, maybe holding hands?" I entwined our fingers. "What about this?" My lips finally met hers.
Breaking away, Natalia peeked up at me from behind her eyelashes and smiled. "How about we go outside and enjoy the New York weather? I haven't had much time to explore and you seem to know your way around. You can be my personal tour guide."
"Or, we can stay inside and do some personal exploration of our own?" She rolled her eyes and started laughing. Soon enough, I was joining in. After a few seconds of laughter, I conceded. "Or, we can go outside and I can be your tour guide. You're bossy, you know that, right?"
In the Air (The City #1) Page 10