Her shirt and bra still hung on her shoulders, and Alex hadn’t even removed his jeans yet.
She sat up, finding the strength to do that much at least. The shirt and bra got tossed over the edge of the bed.
Time stopped the moment she heard the rasp of Alex’s zipper.
She held her breath, aware he was watching her, but she couldn’t tear her gaze away from his hands as he pushed the denim and cotton of his underwear down his hips.
“Jenna?” His voice was softer, not that there was anything exactly soft about him, but she was seeing a new side of Alex tonight. He wasn’t just the tough, slightly domineering Team Leader she’d crafted into her fantasy lover.
“What?” She lifted her gaze to his face. “Did I say something wasn’t okay?”
“No. Just checking.”
God, she’d never had a man who was so aware of what she wanted. On one hand, it made sense. Alex was a cop. He had very black and white views. It made sense he wouldn’t want to betray the trust she’d given him by going too far. Eventually he’d learn there wasn’t a whole lot that had to do with him and her naked she wouldn’t be okay with. At least, nothing came to mind.
He shoved his jeans down, leaving his boxer briefs perched precariously low on his hips. Hic cock stretched the front of the fabric, and he didn’t seem to care.
Alex crawled toward her, stretching out alongside her, one arm curled under his head.
God, she could love this man. He was a forever and ever kind of guy, and she didn’t know if she was in a place for that kind of commitment. But she also didn’t think she could walk away from him.
He leaned toward her and she held her breath as his lips brushed hers.
Jenna hoped she didn’t screw this up. She wanted him so bad it made her ache. She didn’t know if it would work out, if she could hold herself together and figure out a way to embrace civilian life, but if he was in it, she could, couldn’t she?
Alex thrust his tongue into her mouth and all rational thought ceased. She wound her fingers into the short strands of his hair, pulling him closer. He rolled with her until he was on top, pressing her into the mattress.
Yes!
This was what she wanted. Him on top of her. In her. All around her. There might be more exciting positions, but she wanted to see him, feel him all over.
She took the opportunity to run her hands over his back and chest. Not touching him had been torture, but she’d liked how it made the places he touched her more sensitive. Now, she couldn’t get enough of the feel of his muscles bunching and flexing under her as he rocked against her.
Jenna shoved her hand under the elastic band of his underwear and dug her nails into his ass. Alex hissed, breaking his line of kisses down her neck.
“Don’t make me do something about those hands,” he said against her ear.
She shivered at the implied threat. Maybe she should show him just what she could do with her hands?
Alex kissed the crook of her neck, short circuiting her better judgment for a moment. But only a moment. She slid her hand around to the front of his underwear and wrapped her hands around his cock. It was hard, and bigger than she’d expected. He’d fill her up, no doubt about that.
“Jenna.” He groaned her name, his eyes going all unfocused. Oh yes, she could do wonderful things with her hands.
“Alex.” She mimicked the way he said her name. Something about those notes said she did things to him. Probably the same things he did to her.
He made a sound like a growl and pulled her hand off his cock.
“Alex, I want you, now.” Jenna hated the heat in her cheeks, the way it had to be making her blush, but Alex needed to know what she wanted. She’d never been much for talk during sex, it made her feel silly, but Alex responded to her words. If a little frank honesty was what it took to have him inside her finally, well, she could get over a little hang up like speaking in bed.
“You aren’t ready,” he said.
“If you don’t fuck me now, I’m going to—to—”
Alex bent, filling her vision with his face.
“You’re going to—what?”
Oh man, she didn’t know what she could do, but she’d have to remember to never again threaten this man.
“No idea.” She wiggled her wrist in his grasp. “I was hoping you’d go for the fucking me part.”
He dropped his head to her shoulder, and she felt the puff of exhaled hair as his body shook on a silent chuckle.
“I’m trying to go slow. I’m trying to be gentle.” His lips brushed her skin as he spoke.
“Let’s do slow and gentle another time.” Because hell yeah, she wanted to do him more than once, more than a few times. She wanted to do him a lot.
“I want it to be good for you.”
Oh man. Alex just kept getting better and better. She sucked down a deep breath and blinked back sudden tears. Why was she about to cry? It made no sense, but the way he spoke, how he was so conscious of her pleasure and what she wanted, it undid her.
“Alex, you don’t do anything half assed.” She pushed on his shoulder with her free hand. If she had to beg, she would, because it would be worth it.
He pressed his mouth to hers, and for a fleeting moment it felt as though their hearts beat as one, as though they were connected by more than flesh and desire.
Alex pushed up, releasing her and bounded off the bed. There was no other word for it. He glanced around the room as if looking for something.
“Alex?” She pushed up to her elbows.
“I just realized—I might not have protection.” He pulled his wallet out of his jeans and flipped through it before pulling out the drawers on his nightstand.
Jenna’s heart beat in her throat. She’d had a birth control ring put in a few months ago to keep her cycle regular. They didn’t need condoms, but it was a big step to take. One she’d never crossed, but for some crazy reason, she almost didn’t want a barrier between them.
“Ah-ha.” Alex pulled a white packet from the nightstand drawer.
What kind of man didn’t have condoms? Well, she couldn’t complain too much. She’d stopped carrying a just-in-case one with her when she realized her thing for Alex meant sex with anyone else wasn’t going to happen.
He hooked his thumbs in the band of his underwear and pushed them down while his gaze remained locked on her. She held her breath, unable to look away from him as he kicked out of the last bit of clothing. He broke the spell by diverting his attention to the condom packet.
“You sure that’s not old? Wouldn’t want it to break.” She grinned at his frown. “I’m kidding, Alex. A joke.”
“My blue balls would not be a joke.”
“I’d never leave you with blue balls.”
His gaze narrowed.
“Hands on the headboard.”
“Alex, not fair.” Yet she did as he requested and placed the flat of her hand against the cool wood.
She watched, committing every detail to memory as he palmed himself before rolling the latex onto his hard length. This moment would be on replay for days in her head. Alex wasn’t a perfectly sculpted man. He was rough and real. And he stole her breath, robbed her of her senses, all while being the most upstanding man she knew.
He lifted his gaze to her. The room faded from her mind as he crawled toward her stretched out on his bed. She shifted her legs, making room for his bulk.
“Tell me if I need to go slower,” he said.
“You need to go faster.”
He didn’t even chuckle this time. His head dropped forward, and he grasped his cock. She sucked in a breath and held it as she felt him against her. Alex lifted his gaze to hers and pushed. He was different than her vibrator. Bigger. Hotter.
She let her head drop to the pillow and pressed her nails against the headboard as he stretched her. It wasn’t a bad stretch, but it was intense. She groaned as he rubbed along nerve endings long unused.
“Too much?” Alex’s voice was s
trained.
“No, no, no.” She reached for him, hooking her arm behind his head and pulling him closer, or tried to. He was the unmovable mountain as far as she was concerned.
He eased out and back in, working himself slowly into her. He rocked against her, and damn, if it wasn’t already the best sex she’d had in ten or more years. Her breasts rubbed against his chest, the wiry, dark hairs abrading the sensitized tips of her nipples. She loved the feel of his muscles as he exercised the greatest display of control she’d ever seen from him.
“Alex.” She rolled her hips, moving with him, wanting something but she had no name for it.
“I’ve got you, Doc,” he whispered as he kissed her brow and temple.
“Mm.”
“Look at me.”
She didn’t know when she’d closed her eyes, but she had. Now, she stared up at him, mesmerized by the way he looked at her. How had she never realized he wanted her as much as she wanted him?
They moved in tandem, in and out, an easy thrusting rhythm that stroked deep inside of her body. He wasn’t just inside of her with his cock, he was in her heart, in her head, in her very pores.
Her breath hitched as he slid into her with more force.
“Sorry,” he muttered.
“No, again.”
She kissed him, whimpering into his mouth as he released his tight hold of control just a fraction. The added friction, his position above her, the way his body rubbed her clit—it was too much. She thrust her tongue into his mouth, clung to his shoulders, all to keep her from saying what was bubbling up inside of her.
She loved him.
She loved this impossible man.
She loved him, and it terrified her.
The muscles in her abdomen fluttered.
“Oh, God. Alex!”
She dug her nails into his shoulders, curling her leg around his thigh as her body felt as if it exploded into a million tiny bubbles. Pleasure washed over her, the release so potent, her vision hazed. Alex rocked into her, rougher, grasping her thigh, holding her open for him more.
His breathing hitched, and he groaned, his motions stilling.
She clung to him, wrapping her arms and legs around his body, refusing to let him move. She needed his weight to ground her, to savor this connection. For several moments, neither moved and the only sound in the room was that of their breathing. She closed her eyes and turned her face toward him, squeezing him a bit tighter.
Jenna loved him.
It wasn’t surprising or as if she’d been unaware of just how far gone she was, but it was easier to keep her feelings under the heading of infatuation when she thought he was indifferent toward her. Now what did she do? Alex was a forever kind of guy and she barely had her life together.
He kissed her brow and rose onto his hands, looming over her. It was a warm night, but she still shivered at the loss of his warmth.
“Would you like to use the bathroom first?” There was hesitation in his voice. She wasn’t sure what it meant, but it she didn’t hear it often coming from him.
“Sure. Thank you.” Was she supposed to go to her room and pretend that was that? Was this the, it-was-nice-but-now-its-over moment? What was happening here?
She wrapped her arms around her and stood, wishing she had something to put on that would actually cover her. Instead, she hurried out of the room, squinting at the bright lights, and shut herself in the bathroom. By the time she’d cleaned up, she had no more answers than before but she wasn’t going to go in search of them without something more than her birthday suit.
“Jenna?” Alex tapped on the door.
“Yes?”
“I brought you your bag.”
She took a deep breath, shoved her riot of emotions down deep before she sprung a leak in her eye and opened the bathroom door. Alex had put on a pair of athletic shorts and nothing else. It made for a raw, real picture she’d keep all for herself. Damn, but he was everything right in life.
“Thanks.” She grabbed the bag from his hand.
“Want anything else?”
You.
“No, thanks.” She smiled for good measure and set the bag on the counter. It wasn’t her nudity that made her so self conscious. He knew all her secrets, he’d been inside of her, there wasn’t a cell in her body that hadn’t been stamped by one facet or another of Alex’s influence. What did she do?
“Okay, then.” He pulled the door shut.
She listened for his retreating steps, but heard nothing. Then again, he moved like a cat so she shouldn’t be surprised.
Jenna slipped on underwear, her pajama pants and tank top before wasting a few more moments pulling out her contacts and brushing her teeth. It was late enough she could crash and sleep a few hours before paranoia woke her. Then again, she’d slept the sleep of the dead the night before, but it was probably too much to hope it would happen again.
Shouldering the bag, she opened the bathroom door and started, staring at the man still standing in the hall.
“Jesus, make some damn noise, will you?” She pressed a hand to her chest.
“Sorry. Come here.”
It was an order she wasn’t going to ignore.
Jenna walked into his arms, some of her post-sex uncertainty slipping away. She didn’t think he was the kind of guy who’d kick a girl out of bed, that was just her insecurity talking.
“Come on. Come to bed.”
She didn’t ask which bed, but she didn’t have to after he nudged her toward his room. He took her bag from her, setting it on the dresser in a space that hadn’t been clear before.
God, she loved him and she didn’t know what to do about it. When she thought about an imaginary Alex who would love and fuck her, it wasn’t with the entanglements of work. How did they figure that out? Did they need to? Was Alex into her enough to do something about it?
She pulled the comforter and sheets down, still warm from their lovemaking, and slipped under them. Alex was right behind her, fitting his big body around hers, but she wanted to see him. She turned to face him, their heads sharing a pillow, their bodies so close they pressed together when they inhaled.
“How long?” she asked.
“How long what?” Alex traced the earpiece of her glasses.
“How long have you wanted to do that?” How long have you wanted me like I wanted you?
“I don’t know.”
“That’s not an acceptable answer.”
“Jenna, I’d have to be dead to not be attracted to you.”
“That’s a better answer.” Could he have possibly been harboring feelings—or at least lust—for her for as long as she had?
Only one way to find out.
“Is it silly if I say I’ve had a huge crush on you from the beginning?” It was probably better to not admit that, but she wanted to know how far this ran for him.
“Really?” Alex pushed his fingers through her hair, his brows slightly lifted.
“Yup.” He’d shaken her hand and all she’d been able to do was stare, aware that she needed to let go, to say something but the moment had taken her completely unaware.
“That’s nuts.”
“Why?”
“Because I remember thinking—This woman is going to refuse to work with me because I can’t stop staring at her.”
“Shut up. That long? I thought you were going to think I was some crazy woman because I wouldn’t let go of your hand.” Her grin nearly split her face.
He’d liked her at least as long as she’d liked him.
“If I remember it right, I was the one who held on.” A smiling Alex was a whole new experience. He seemed less brooding, lighter. She liked the look on him.
“How could we have liked each other for so long and not known?” It was a relief and a tiny bit exhilarating to not have to bottle that up. Alex knew! And he at least wanted her. He might not be in love with her, but it was something.
“The job.” Those two words sucked the joy right out of him and
her.
“But I never knew. You rarely talk to me.”
“When I’m with someone, I want her to be mine.”
“Well sometimes you have to at least let the lucky lady know.”
“I couldn’t do that, Jenna.” His frown deepened. “I can’t help being attracted to you. Who wouldn’t? But dating on the force is asking for trouble, either from the guys or the higher ups. You know they don’t tolerate fraternization.”
Couldn’t she savor the good emotions? The warm, fuzzy feelings before they got to this?
“Then what do we do?” She had no answer, nothing beyond the new fact that she loved him and didn’t want to lose him.
Alex’s frown creased his face, growing into the determined expression she was more familiar with. Except he stroked her face, playing with her hair, and that she had no ability whatsoever to deal with.
“I should tell you this was a onetime thing and we can’t do it again. You’re the best tactical medic we have. SWAT situations are on the rise the bigger Ransom gets and the guys are going to need someone there to patch them up who has experience.”
But what did he want to tell her? She didn’t want to hear about what an asset she was to the team. She hadn’t just screwed the team.
“I want to tell you we’ll figure it out, but that means either one of us leaves SWAT, or we hide it.” He stared across the room and they listened to Genghis barking just outside.
It wasn’t exactly an admission of love, but it still made the warm fuzzies redouble their frantic swarm in her chest.
“Can we try to figure it out?” she asked, even though she knew she had to be blushing.
“I want to, but it won’t be easy.”
“I’ve never done easy.”
“I’m aware of that.” He chuckled and his expression softened, melting her heart a bit more.
She loved him, and no one could know. Ever. Not unless one of them walked away from their job. If they were normal people, that might be an option, but they weren’t normal. It took a special person to volunteer for SWAT. To walk away from that would be to deny a part of themselves that made them who they were.
11.
Fighting Redemption Page 9