by Claire Raye
I hear the sound of Sienna and Mila laughing, their feet clomping up the steps to the house and I know I need to pull myself back together. Sienna will know instantly that something is up if she sees the anguish on my face.
“Caleb!” she calls out and just the sound of hearing his name being yelled has me panicking all over again. I can only hope he doesn’t hear her over the sound of the shower, hope that just his name doesn’t cause fear to grip his body the way it just did.
She and Mila come through the doorway to the kitchen and find me standing at the table, and try as I might to look natural, I feel awkward as hell.
“Where’s Caleb?” she asks, noticing nothing amiss as she walks past me to the fridge. “You guys missed all the drama. The lady in the minivan called the lady in the BMW trash with money.”
“He’s in the shower,” I respond but my words sound lost and quiet among her rambunctious voice.
“See that,” Mila interjects. “I thought you were in here trying to sneak around with Caleb again.”
“We aren’t sneaking around!” I snap, my anger stemming from what I just witnessed. She doesn’t understand it isn’t like that and her teasing is getting really fucking old.
“Okay, relax. It was a joke,” Mila responds defensively, her hands up, her eyes wide.
“Sorry. It’s just…” I want to tell her, but again, this isn’t mine to tell and the more people I do tell, the more the prying eyes of judgment will fall on Caleb. “I’m still hungover. I feel like shit,” I lie, a resolved sigh falling from my mouth. “I’m gonna go lie down.”
“Okay,” Sienna replies, sounding a little defeated and I begin to wonder if she’s figured out what just happened. She isn’t blind to it all. She can hear Caleb call out in the night and she’s seen him struggle to keep a normal schedule. “I think I’ll take a nap too, that way we can all go out to dinner tonight. Maybe watch a movie.”
I nod my head and even though she hasn’t said it, Mila’s expression is that of sheer annoyance. She drove seven hours for us to get drunk, go to the beach and take midday naps. These are all things she could’ve done without driving half a day.
“I’m sorry,” I tell her again, but she flits a hand in my direction, a signal of acknowledgment that it’s okay.
“But,” she says drawing out her word and making me smile a little, “I’m going out, so if you wake up and I’m not here, don’t lose your shit.”
I cock my head to the side, my hands on my hips. “Seriously, Mila. Where are you going?”
“I don’t know, but I’m not sitting around here waiting for you two grandmas to wake up. Don’t worry, I’ll be back before dinner.”
She doesn’t give me a chance to question her anymore, just walking out the door and there’s no way she’s out there winging it. She found someone to hang out with and that doesn’t surprise me at all. Mila is the life of every party, the girl everyone wants to be around, but she wouldn’t dare tell me what she’s up to.
I let her go because I’m more worried about how Caleb is doing especially after I hear the shower turn off. And knowing Sie is in her bedroom with Reid, it’s the perfect opportunity for me to check on him without her questioning me.
The bedroom door is now closed, but I knock lightly and listen for Caleb’s voice. He calls out and I walk in to find him shirtless and just wearing a pair of boxer briefs. I’ve gotten used to seeing him shirtless, but that doesn’t mean it’s lost its effect. I have to control the feeling of wanting to gasp out loud at seeing him, even if my fingers itch to touch him.
I won’t ask him if he’s okay because I already know he’s not. “I’m going to lie down for a little bit. Do you want to join me?”
“I don’t think I can sleep right now,” he responds, despite the yawn that causes his mouth to open. His body is completely exhausted, depleted of energy, but his mind won’t settle. I can’t imagine what it’s like, his body pulling him in two different directions, but never fully able to get control of any of it.
“You don’t have to sleep. Just lay down with me and relax.” I give him a sympathetic smile and pat the side of the bed. “Come on. I’ll pet your head,” I tease and now he returns my smile.
“Well, if you’ll pet my head then okay,” he replies, rolling his eyes and climbing into my already unmade bed.
I slide in next to him and immediately begin to run my fingers through his hair, my nails dragging along his scalp and his eyes fall closed.
“Thanks, Ruby,” he says, the gratitude in his voice, low, almost a whisper and I know he’s not talking about me petting his head.
“No problem.” I let the words linger between us for a few seconds, letting him know that no matter what, I’ll always be here for him. “It was a car accident outside the house. That’s why people were yelling.”
He nods slightly and from everything I’ve learned, his mind created it into something that was so much more. All it takes is one noise, one simple act for it to trigger someone with PTSD and it can even be as simple as a firework, a car door slamming or people yelling. But I don’t pretend to know everything about what he’s dealing with just because I read a couple of books, watched a few videos and listened to some lectures.
Right now, I’m living through it with him and we’re both learning from it.
Caleb yawns again, his eyes growing heavy and he finally lets them fall closed. But I continue talking, hoping my words root themselves in his dreams. I hope it’s my voice he hears.
“The beach was pretty empty today. You should’ve come with us,” I start, my words quiet, a hushed whisper so I don’t disturb his calm. “It was actually pretty warm out, but the water was still so cold. Sie tells me it isn’t like that on the east coast. She makes fun of me because I won’t swim.”
“She needs to keep her mouth shut. I can’t remember a time Sie went in the ocean past her ankles,” Caleb responds, his words as quiet as mine. His hand slides over my hip, his fingertips resting just above my ass and the simplicity of his gesture sends my body reeling.
Caleb moves closer, his fingers now trailing up my back and for a second I think he’s going to undo my bikini top, but he searches my hair for the tie that’s holding it in a messy knot. Tugging at it gently, it falls loose and Caleb takes in a deep breath. He weaves his hands through it, pulling me closer until our lips are almost touching. I can feel his breathing feathering lightly against my mouth, the ache between us almost palpable and I long to kiss him and heal every broken piece.
“Your smell calms me,” he now murmurs, and I feel his words in every part of my body, like stepping into warm bath water, they cover me.
“I want to be everything you need, Caleb,” I reply back, dancing dangerously on the edge of so much more. I brush my fingers along his jaw, tracing his lips with my fingertips and it’s as if we’re kissing, the distance between our mouths miniscule, my fingers connecting us together.
“You are, Ruby.”
And it’s in that moment that I wonder if you can fall in love with someone before you’ve ever even kissed them.
I wake up an hour later, Caleb sleeping soundlessly, his breathing slow and methodical and he looks completely at peace. It’s hard to believe just hours ago he fell apart in front of me for the first time since arriving in California. I could always tell he was struggling, but on the surface, to any outside observer, he seemed okay. I’ve read that people dealing with PTSD can overcome it by talking to friends and family, that some don’t need intervention or therapy. Maybe Caleb and I can work through this together. We made it through his panic attack.
I rest my lips against his bare chest, his skin is warm and he smells of coconuts, making me smile. A laugh slips through and I bite my bottom lip trying to stifle it in the hopes of not waking him.
But I’ve failed miserably as he asks, “What are you laughing at, Ruby?” His voice is soft but his words raspy, sleep still tugging at him.
“You smell like my body wash,” I tell him, lean
ing in and pretending to sniff him all over as I smile against his bare skin.
“I’m sorry. I use it because it smells like you. I can stop.”
“Don’t. It smells better on your body than it does on mine,” I reply, propping myself up on my elbow so I’m now looking down on him.
“Not true,” he deadpans, a seriousness in his tone as he reaches over and pushes my hair to the side, exposing my neck. He comes closer to me, my heart now beating a little faster, my breathing quickening in time with my pulse as he leans in and nuzzles his nose to my exposed neck.
“Right here,” he mutters. “Right here is where your skin smells like home, where nothing could be better or as perfect.”
I swallow hard wondering if what we’re doing here is all wrong, wondering if we’ve both crossed the line. Our emotional connection has far surpassed any sexual connection I’ve ever had with anyone. And I already can’t imagine my life without Caleb.
I want to tell him all of this. I want to beg him to let me heal him, to always be the person he needs. There’s a co-dependency here that developed so quickly neither of us saw it coming, but now it’s all we can feel.
“Caleb,” I purr, overwhelmed by the closeness of our bodies, every nerve screaming out in desperation. There’s so much want and need passing between us and maybe we should just cross the line, end this.
“I’ll ruin you, Ruby,” he mutters, his teeth dragging along the sensitive skin of my neck and I feel him bite softly where my pulse beats hard and fast.
“Then ruin me.”
It’s with those words that we hang suspended between what-if and walking away. There’s something so powerful about it all, something that keeps us teetering on the edge of a connection that could be our demise or our tranquility.
We’re startled by Mila calling out my name, her fist pounding on the bedroom door, breaking through this world we’ve created for ourselves.
“Ruby! Are you up? I’m starving. Hurry up!”
“Coming!” I call back, my body still reeling from the few simple words we said to each other and my hands shake as I jump from the bed. I grab a dress and a pair of underwear and before I retreat to the bathroom, I look over at Caleb.
“Be patient, Ruby,” he says, his words a reminder that while we’re so close, so damn close, we’re still so far away.
“I’ll wait forever for you.”
Chapter Sixteen
Caleb
I lie on Ruby’s bed, her words running through my head on a continuous loop.
I want to be everything you need, Caleb.
Fuck, if only she knew she already is. If only she knew how badly I want to go further with this thing that is so obviously happening between us. It’s undeniable, even to my fucked up brain, how much I want her, how much I can tell she wants me.
Then ruin me.
I will. I’ll ruin her and us and anything good and precious that might be between us. But it doesn’t change how much I want her, how she’s become so much more to me than just a person to talk to or a security blanket to keep my nightmares away.
Lying in this bed with her today, both of us barely dressed, our bodies so close I could feel the warmth of her skin against mine; it told me everything I already knew. I was falling for this girl, hell I already have fallen for her, hard. And the longer I spend time with her, the more nights I spend sleeping in her bed, I know I’m not going to be able to walk away. I’m positive I’m not going to be able to stop myself much longer either.
I can hear the sounds of voices and movement in the house, Mila’s loud voice as she shouts out a goodbye, which I presume is to me. I don’t bother answering, I just listen as doors close and the voices fade, a silence once again settling over the house.
Exhaling, I roll onto my stomach, my face pressing into Ruby’s pillow where traces of her scent still linger. Forcing my eyes to stay open, I glance at the clock and see I have about an hour until I need to be at work.
Dragging myself from bed, I pull the sheets off and throw them in a pile by the door before remaking it with some fresh ones. I grab some clothes from my bag and quickly get dressed before grabbing the dirty sheets and walking out of Ruby’s room.
I’d assumed everyone had left to go grab dinner, but as I walk down the short hall that links Ruby’s bedroom with Sienna’s, I can hear the unmistakable sounds of sex coming from my sister’s bedroom.
“Fuck me,” I mutter, moving quickly toward the small mudroom with the washer and dryer. I shove the sheets in, putting it on, before grabbing my keys and phone and heading out the back door to go to work, having already listened to enough sex between my sister and my best friend back at the safe house to last me a fucking lifetime.
The cool evening air feels nice and although my body still feels heavy, exhausted by everything it went through today, the walk to work helps clear my head, the noise of my earlier panic attack finally fading into the background.
It’s the third time it’s happened to me since getting to California, although it’s the first that anyone’s witnessed. I’d really hoped I would be able to avoid it, that I’d somehow manage to hide them or just have them when no one else was around, but of course I still can’t predict when they’re going to happen.
It’s not like anything that triggered today’s attack is related to what I know started all this in the first place.
Still, as much as I wish Ruby hadn’t had to see me like that, I’m glad it was her and not Sienna or Reid. Those two already carry enough grief about everything, already worry enough about me and whether I’m getting better, that seeing a panic attack is the last thing they need.
Fuck, I just hope that Ruby seeing me like that doesn’t change things between us. Given what happened after, I don’t think it will, but I really hope that’s the case.
I need Ruby more than she realizes. Need the normalcy she gives me, the support she offers without even realizing that’s what she’s doing.
“Caleb, hey!” Adam calls as I walk into the bar, slapping a smile on my face as I suck in a deep breath and force myself to get with the program.
“Adam,” I say, smiling as I offer a wave. “How’s things?”
“Good,” he says, a huge grin on his face. “You?”
“All good,” I lie, making my way to the back room to dump my stuff and clock in.
I’ve been at work for a few hours when Reid walks in, his eyes searching the room before he spots me and walks up to the bar.
“Hey,” he says, leaning over to do that hand slap-hand shake thing we do.
“Hey yourself,” I say. “You here alone?” I add, my eyes flicking around the room quickly.
Reid chuckles. “Yes,” he says, with mock annoyance. “Contrary to what you all think, Sienna and I can actually spend time apart, you know.”
I raise a brow at him, a smile on my face as I say, “Really, and that’s why you were sexting her all night last night or why you two bailed on dinner tonight to…ugh, you know,” I say, waving a hand at him as I roll my eyes.
Reid grins as he lets out a low chuckle. “Shit, you hear us again?”
I shake my head at him. “Honestly, dude, is it even possible for either of you to be quiet when you have sex?”
He bursts out laughing now, his hands up in mock surrender. “What can I say, I’m a guy who likes to—”
“Yep, gonna stop you right there,” I say, cutting him off as I grab a beer and slide it toward him. “How was the game last night? You guys win?”
Reid chuckles as he takes a sip. “Yep, we did. Was pretty good actually. How was your night? You crash at my place or hang with the girls?”
I give him a quick run down on the events of last night and how drunk the girls all got, which lead to Mila sneaking out for a random late night hook up and Ruby showing up at Reid’s place drunk off her ass to sleep on his couch with me.
“Sounds like she missed you,” Reid says.
I shrug. “I think she was just shit faced,” I tell
him, not really wanting to talk about whatever it is that’s going on with Ruby and me, something which has now gotten infinitely more complicated as of this afternoon.
Reid takes another sip of beer. “Well, they’re all drinking on the couch watching some chick flick right now,” he says, letting the Ruby and me thing go. “I tried, dude, but seriously, I cannot do this shit alone,” he says, shaking his head.
I laugh. “Well, if this manager’s job pans out,” I tell him, “I’ll be able to work better hours, which means I can have more nights off. Add a little more testosterone to the house so you don’t go full chick on me.”
Reid bursts out laughing. “Yeah, no chance I’m going full chick, dude, seriously.”
I smirk at him. “You sure about that,” I tease. “You’re already totally pussy whipped.”
Reid’s mouth drops open, even as his eyes light up in surprise because this is the first time it’s me who’s giving him shit about being with my sister, rather than the other way around.
“You cheeky little fucker,” he murmurs, sliding his empty bottle toward me to indicate a refill.
I laugh, reaching for another one for him.
“Actually,” he says as I slide the fresh bottle toward him, “I did want to ask you a favor?”
“Oh yeah,” I say, smirking as I cross my arms over my chest. “Like you shacking up with my sister isn’t enough of a favor?”
Reid chuckles, shaking his head as he continues. “Whatever, anyway, Saturday,” he starts. “I know it’s—”
“What do you want?” I ask, cutting him off.
He laughs. “Okay, so I know you’ve only just moved here and all but I have a mid-week game and with it being…well, are you cool if I take your sister away for the weekend? You know to…”
“Have a dirty weekend?” I say.
He smirks at me. “Something like that, yeah.”
I shake my head, even though I’m smiling. Because as much as he likes to give me shit and I like to give it back to him, I am really fucking glad he and my sister have each other. I honestly couldn’t imagine either of them with anyone else.