Hugues was busy at the hotel, and he enjoyed talking to Natalie about it. She was an intelligent woman, was interested in it, and always gave him good advice. They went to the Hamptons for Memorial Day weekend, and while they were having dinner at Nick & Toni’s, she said something about an art exhibit she wanted to see at the Museum of Modern Art, and he told her he was going to Paris the following week.
“On business?” She looked surprised. It was the first time he had mentioned it, and she knew it must have come up suddenly for him not to have told her about it.
“No, to see Heloise. She’s starting her internship at the George V on the first of June. I told her I’d come over and see her before she starts work.” Natalie was quiet for a minute and then nodded. There were occasional reminders that he had a whole other part of his life that she couldn’t share. It hurt her feelings, but she tried not to think about it. It was almost as if he had a wife tucked away somewhere and she was his mistress, the woman that he loved and hid with. She would have liked to go to Paris with him, and she had the time, but there was no way that she could. Not until he told his daughter about them, and he was no longer saying that he would. They had taken the path of least resistance and were enjoying what they shared.
“That feels a little weird,” she admitted to him, and she didn’t ask him if he was going to tell her this time. She knew there would be some excuse when he didn’t, about how much it would upset her and how he couldn’t risk it. And she didn’t want to be disappointed again, and knew she would be. “I’d like to go to Paris too.”
“Maybe next year,” he said softly, feeling like a heel. Sometimes she wondered if he was going to break up with her when Heloise came back in December, just so he wouldn’t have to tell her. It was beginning to remind her of the relationship she’d had for eight years, with the man who had refused to commit. Hugues appeared to be committed, but as long as he hadn’t told Heloise about them, Natalie knew he really wasn’t. She was a phantom in his life that he was in love with, but only Heloise was real.
“What happens when she comes back in December?” Natalie asked him sadly.
“I’ll have to tell her then.” But they both knew he didn’t. He could play this game forever, as long as Natalie let him. She felt as though someone had let the air out of her tires hearing that he was going to Paris to see her, and he wasn’t even promising to tell her this time. He knew he couldn’t, and so did she. He was too frightened to upset her, alienate her, or lose her and was still unwilling to take the risk, even for a woman he loved.
Natalie was very quiet on the ride back to the hotel, and Hugues could feel the tension in the car and said nothing. He didn’t want to confront the subject again. It made him feel too guilty about her and anxious about his daughter. She took a walk on the beach alone the next morning, and Hugues knew she was still upset. There was nothing he could say to her, unless he agreed to tell Heloise when he saw her. And he didn’t want to promise that again and not deliver. He felt like a jerk.
Natalie said nothing more about it for the rest of the weekend. There was nothing left to say. When he dropped her off at her apartment Sunday night, she didn’t ask him to come up, which had never happened before, and he went back to the hotel. He was leaving in four days. He called her the next day and asked if he could come over. She was loving to him when he did, and cooked him dinner, but he could feel that a wall had come up between them. He had disappointed her too many times about telling Heloise, and suddenly it had become an even bigger deal, and neither of them was sure why.
“Look, I know it sounds crazy,” he said to her at the end of dinner. “I know this isn’t right to keep it from her, but it gives us time to get our relationship solid and squared away. Of course I’m going to tell her when she comes home. I just don’t want to risk it before that. She has too many other options, particularly this boy in Paris. She’s young, she’s not as understanding as we are. She may overreact. Once she’s home, I’ll deal with it. I promise.” She looked at him for a long moment and shook her head.
“I’m not understanding about it either. And I’m not young. It’s insulting. I’ve become the woman in the closet. You’re happy to have a relationship with me, you just won’t tell your kid. What does that mean? That you’re ashamed of me? That I’m not good enough? How am I supposed to feel? To be honest, I feel like shit.”
“I know you do, and I’m sorry. It’s just a very strange situation. We were alone for almost sixteen years. She’s had me to herself. We’ve been over this a thousand times. You know why I won’t tell her yet.” He looked as upset as she did, but she felt worse.
“Maybe you never will. How do I know what you’ll do when she comes home? We’ve been sleeping with each other for six months now, and you still haven’t told her. And maybe you never will.” She didn’t know what to believe now.
“Look, I’m going over to see her for a week. That’s all. I haven’t seen her since Easter. And I may go over once in the fall, and then she’ll be home.”
“And then what? What if she tells you to break up with me and she pressures you until you do? How do I know what kind of power this kid has over you? She seems to be winning so far. And I could wind up the big loser here. I’ve been there before.”
“That was different. He ran off with your best friend.”
“No different. He couldn’t make a commitment. Neither can you, to tell your daughter. No balls.” It was the harshest thing she had ever said to him, but he knew he deserved it, so he didn’t object. He wasn’t going to tell Heloise in Paris or even promise it this time, no matter what she said. He loved Natalie, but his relationship with his daughter meant too much to him to take that risk. And he didn’t know what he’d do if she begged him to let Natalie go when she came home. It was a horrifying thought, for both of them.
He went back to the hotel that night and didn’t stay with her. And she wouldn’t see him again before he left. He knew it was a bad sign. And he was troubled about it on the flight to Paris. He called her on her cell phone when he arrived in Paris, and she wouldn’t answer. He was afraid that it had been too much for her this time, but there was nothing he could do. He couldn’t get out of his mind Heloise saying to him that she wanted to be the only woman in his life when they were in Rome. It was unreasonable, he knew.
But how far was she willing to go to prove the point and demonstrate that to him? What if he lost her for years? And it wasn’t fair of Natalie to expect him to take that risk when Heloise was living three thousand miles away and he only saw her for a few days. He told himself that Natalie didn’t understand, she didn’t have kids. But somewhere in his heart of hearts he knew how unfair he was being to her and hated himself for it. And for now, it looked like Natalie hated him too. She had shut off all communication with him and didn’t even answer his texts of abject apology and undying love for her. As long as he kept her a secret, she no longer believed a word he said or wanted anything to do with him for now. He hoped that she’d calm down by the time he got back.
He tried to have a good time with Heloise in Paris anyway, but the time was short and stressed. She was trying to organize the tiny apartment they had found, and he helped her furnish it at IKEA in a day. She and François were nervous about their internships, so they were tense and argued constantly. And there was a general transport strike halfway through his trip, which meant no buses, no subways, no taxis, no trains, and the airport was closed. The city was a tangled nightmare of private cars and bicycles so people could get to work.
In spite of that, the Ritz was as pleasant as ever, and he took the kids out for several meals, when they weren’t squabbling with each other. But he got very little time alone with his daughter, and his worries about Natalie weighed heavily on him during the entire trip. And once again, this would have been totally the wrong time to tell Heloise about her. Heloise was much too nervous about her job at the George V and would have reacted badly. It was almost a relief to leave the day before she was to re
port for work. She promised to call him and let him know how it was going, and he wished both of them good luck.
It was strange leaving her with François. Heloise was moving on to her own life, but she hadn’t released her father to have one of his own. He thought both of the women in his life were unreasonable, and he was exhausted when he got back on the plane to New York. The transport strike had ended the day before. And his plane was crowded to the gills with people whose flights had been canceled during the strike. And the final blow was that his luggage never made the flight.
The car picked him up, and he rode to the hotel, happy to be back. It hadn’t been an easy trip. He tried calling Natalie from the car on the way in. Just as he had for the past week, he got her voice mail and nothing else. He called her office, and they said that she was out. She was nowhere. And wherever she was, she still wasn’t talking to him. And when he got to his office, he discovered why. Jennifer handed him a letter that she said that Natalie had dropped off for him earlier in the week. It was marked personal so she hadn’t opened it, and the envelope was thick. He strode into his office and closed the door behind him so he could read it in peace. He had hardly said a word to Jennifer when he walked in except that he had lost his bags. He had asked the concierge to call the airline to try and find them.
The letter told him everything he didn’t want to hear. That she loved him passionately, with her entire being, and would have been happy to spend the rest of her life with him, but she was an honest woman, not a dirty little secret to be hidden from a nineteen-year-old. If he didn’t love her enough to tell his daughter about her, after seven months, then there was clearly no place in his life for her. She was not going to allow him to humiliate her any longer by hiding her existence and denying his relationship with her. She said she sympathized with his problem and his fears about his daughter, but if the sixteen years he had devoted to her exclusively were worth anything at all, then his daughter would forgive him damn near anything, surely the fact that he was in love with a woman who loved him and who would have been kind to his daughter too. At the end of the letter, Natalie said she wished him well, told him it was over, and asked him not to call her again. She signed it simply, “I love you. Natalie.” And that was it. Over and out.
He sat at his desk feeling as though a bomb had exploded in the room. He knew he deserved it, but he hadn’t wanted this to happen. And he knew that the only thing that could change it was if he was willing to tell Heloise about her, and he wasn’t. Not for another six months. And maybe she was right. Maybe not even then. He was appalled at his own lack of courage, but the reality was that his relationship with his daughter was more important to him than the one with Natalie. She knew it, and so did he. All he could do now was let her go and accept her decision, out of respect for her. He loved her, but as she had said so poignantly in her letter, not enough. Not enough to respect her and treat her right. And he agreed with her. She deserved better than this. She wasn’t a dirty little secret. She was a woman who deserved everything she wanted. He just couldn’t give it to her. There were tears in his eyes when he folded the letter, put it back in the envelope, and put it in a locked drawer in his desk. He put his face in his hands and sat there for a few minutes, and then he got up and walked out of the room. He looked grim.
“Is everything all right?” Jennifer asked him softly. He hesitated and then nodded and walked out to the lobby to catch up on things at the front desk. Jennifer didn’t know what was in the letter, but she could guess. Natalie hadn’t called her either, but she knew how upset she was about Hugues never telling Heloise about her. And sooner or later she knew that Natalie would have enough of it and jump ship. The look on Hugues’s face told Jennifer that Natalie just had. She hoped not. But seven months was a long time to wait for a man to tell his kid. And she was sorry for them both. It was obvious that he loved her, but he loved his daughter more. And Jennifer knew it wouldn’t have been easy either if he told her. Heloise was never going to like having another woman in his life, no matter who that woman was. And she thought Natalie was terrific, and she deserved better than this. Apparently, Natalie thought so too.
Jennifer didn’t see Hugues again for the rest of the day. He was all over the hotel, catching up, and eventually he went upstairs to his apartment, locked the door, put the Do Not Disturb sign on, lay down on his bed, and cried himself to sleep.
Chapter 14
IT WAS A long, hot, lonely summer for both Natalie and Hugues. Natalie took on several new decorating jobs, none of which she enjoyed as much as the suites she had redone at the Hotel Vendôme. She agreed to do a beachhouse in Southampton, another in Palm Beach, and two apartments in New York. All of her new clients were very nice and loved her work, but she had never felt as uninspired and depressed as for those three months over the summer.
Natalie felt like she had to drag herself to work every day, and she felt physically sick for the first few weeks after leaving Hugues. She’d been there before, and she knew that there was no way around it. She just had to live through it. She genuinely loved him, and losing him was agony for her.
All three of her assistants were worried about her, and she had them doing most of the work. She couldn’t concentrate on anything. And then finally she got back into her work again and took refuge in it. She flew to Palm Beach twice to meet with the client and architect on the project. And another new client called while she was away, to have her do an enormous house in Greenwich. Business was booming, but she felt awful.
By September, she was still in a funk, but getting used to it and working hard. She pushed herself through the days and was sleepless for most of the nights. She thought of Hugues constantly, but she had nothing to say to him, and after he got her letter that she had left at the hotel for him, he stopped calling her. She wanted to get over him, but she had no idea how long it would take. Every day felt like a lifetime, and every month like a century.
By Labor Day weekend, she felt as though she had been moving underwater with a cement block on her head for three months. She had never been so depressed in her life, even when the man she had lived with had gone off with her best friend. Hugues was a major loss for her, and she felt that he had never given her a decent chance. He had sent her a brief note in response to her letter telling her how much he loved her and how sorry he was. He admitted that he hadn’t done the right thing but was too afraid to, under the circumstances. He told her again that he loved her and wished her well. He knew she was right to end it, but he felt just as bad as she did all summer. And all he could do to dull the pain was work constantly and never take a moment off. Those who had been there when his wife left him said he hadn’t looked as bad as this.
No one knew exactly what had happened, but Natalie’s sudden absence was conspicuous, and people suspected that it wasn’t because she had finished the job. And they were sorry to see her vanish from their lives. She had been a sunny presence and a nice woman whom everyone had liked. But Hugues was the sorriest of all.
He started taking long walks alone in the park and worked till after midnight every night. His temper was short, which was rare for him, and he tolerated no nonsense from anyone. As best they could, his employees tried not to cross his path and hoped he’d be back to himself soon. Jennifer tried not to annoy him, and he barked at her several times, which was most unusual. By September he still looked terrible, and Jennifer was worried about him. She had never dared mention Natalie to him again, and when he’d gotten back from Paris in June, he told Jennifer to pay her final bill, which she did. As far as she knew, there had been no communication between them since.
The temperatures were over the hundred-degree mark on the Labor Day weekend, and they had trouble with the air conditioners on the fifth and sixth floors. The engineers were going crazy trying to get them working again while guests complained. Hugues told the front desk to discount the rooms, but the guests in them were unhappy anyway. The heat was unbearable all over the city. It was too hot to go anyw
here or do anything. In spite of that, Hugues decided to take a break and headed toward Central Park when the weather started to cool down a little, which meant in the nineties, but there was a breeze at least. He had thought about taking Heloise’s dog with him, but it was too hot for her too, so he left her at the florist, where she had spent most of her time in recent months in Heloise’s absence, since Jan loved her more than Hugues did.
He was walking around the reservoir in his suit trousers and his shirt sleeves, and he had taken off his tie. Then the sky opened up, there was a clap of thunder, a bolt of lightning, and a sudden down-pour. It was the only thing that could help the city in the blistering heat. He was instantly drenched, and his shirt was glued to his body, but the weather was so warm, he didn’t mind it. He kept walking, he was thinking back to June and Natalie’s letter and the things he should have done differently. But it was too late now. And he still missed her.
He kept walking around the reservoir in the thunderstorm, which continued, and he had almost come full circle to where he had started when he saw a woman who looked like her in gym shorts and a T-shirt. She was as soaked as he was, and she was splashing through the mud on the dirt track. He told himself that she only looked like Natalie because he’d been thinking about her. She had long blond hair in a ponytail that was wet and plastered to her back. He could tell that she didn’t mind the rain either. She turned and changed direction then, and when she did, he saw that it wasn’t an illusion, it was Natalie walking toward him. She looked as surprised as he did, and neither of them knew where to look or where to go. They kept walking toward each other, and he didn’t know if he should say hello. She looked down at the path then and was about to walk past him, when a force stronger than he was made him step forward and block her path. She looked up at him, and the expression in her eyes nearly killed him. She looked as miserable as he was.
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