For the first time in centuries, their actions bring disgust. I have to get away, get a hold of myself before my master notices there’s a problem.
I leave the club, inhaling the stale cold air of the rotting city. I reach the train and descend the steep stairs that lead to the subway platform. My thoughts are heavy, laden with emotions I shouldn’t be feeling. Not anymore.
I stare down the dark tunnels, trying to clear my mind. But the harder I try not to think of her, the more her blue eyes haunt me.
Images spring to life in the empty shaft. Abandoned feelings crest over me. Anguish, rage, shame.
And love.
Profound, burning love.
My world spins apart as the train station melts away, replaced by a life I don’t want to remember. The time before my fall.
My life as human…
I’m so innocent in my memories. A blond boy, no older than seventeen. Tormented. In love.
“Run away with me. It’s the only way we can stay together,” I whisper.
“I can’t leave my sister. There has to be another way.”
The sight of her melts me as always. Chestnut hair that reflects the sun and hangs in waves around her face. Her slim build underneath her simple dress. Deep blue eyes that see straight through me.
“Your father will never allow us to be together.” I pull her closer to me.
“We have to try. I can’t leave Lorelei. I won’t.” Tears flood her eyes.
Even then, I knew it was just a fantasy. We could never be together. Why did I let myself fall in love with her?
A sharp pain resonates through me as the memory speeds forward and I remember the day I’ve tried an eternity to forget. The day I’m destined to remember forever…
“Why are you crying?” I watch the tears spill over her cheeks.
“You were right. Papa…he won’t listen. He’s forbidden me to see you. Promised me to another.”
The sadness in her eyes overwhelms me. I take her hands in mine, breathing her in.
The scent of her hair, warm sugar and vanilla, fills every inch of me.
The feel of her skin against mine, so smooth, warms me.
I want to etch her into my soul, to never forget the way she makes me feel, how she fills the very depths of me.
“I know.” I say as I lead her into the forest surrounding her farm. Our forest.
“I won’t marry someone else. I can’t. You were right; the only way we can be together is if we run away. Tonight.” Her words bounce off the trees and echo through my thoughts.
She melts into my arms, shivering. I tighten my grip and pull her into a hungry kiss. “What about Lorelei? Or your mother?”
“My sister will understand. I can’t be with someone else. I won’t.”
“They’ll never forgive you.”
“I don’t care. We have to leave. Now.”
I hesitate. Torn. I have waited for these words, prayed to hear them. But now that she’s mine, I know I can’t condemn her to a life on the run. I won’t.
Her eyes widen as the moments click by.
One.
Two.
Three.
“Why are you hesitating?” She asks. She steps away from me, her face contorted. “You don’t want me now, do you?” Her voice turns cold. Distant. “You said this was the only way.”
A gasp escapes my lips as I relive every moment.
“We can’t be together. You’ll grow to hate me. I vowed—”
“I can’t believe what you’re saying. You lied to me. This was your idea.” Her voice cracks. Tears stream down her face and she turns away. And runs.
“Elle! No!”
“Go,” I yell to the apparition of myself. “You idiot. Go after her!” I watch myself plunge into the thicket after her, hearing myself beg for help, pleading with the angels to give me this one thing, to let me have a life with her.
Water fills my eyes as I remember how this ends. The angels won’t listen.
They never listen.
I pace the subway platform as my heart slams against my chest and sweat consumes my brow. Rage bubbles through me, feeding the monster I’ve become. Suffocating anything good that still exists.
The train screeches into the empty station. I board, my mind filled with the familiar taste of vengeance.
For Elle. For the fate I chose. For feelings I never wanted to feel.
For everything.
I walk from car to car, searching for someone that will make me forget. Someone to relieve my pain.
An older couple
—too easy.
A mother and her young child
—no excitement.
A priest
—Just…no.
The train stops, allowing more souls to enter.
A group of would-be Goths followed by fear-eating dark creatures
—if only they knew what hunts them.
A couple of gang-bangers
—No thrill.
Still, no one to appease the Beast inside.
I reach the last car, my last chance. Two young men eye an attractive girl clearly on her way home from work. I listen to their thoughts, see their plans to rape and torture her.
My attention shifts to their prey. So naïve, so innocent.
Perfect.
I walk past the would-be assailants and stand next to the girl. She nervously glances at me and smiles, tilting her head a bit.
“Hi.” I push into her thoughts and open her mind.
“Hi,” she says. A demure look colors her face. A moment of fear passes over her eyes. Fear and excitement.
Oh, yes. She’s just what I need.
“A beautiful woman like you really shouldn’t ride the train so late. It isn’t safe.” I move closer and her body tenses. I look over her shoulder to the two men staring at us. Ramming my thoughts into them, I flood their minds with torturous images. Their anguish stems my hunger, allows me to control my frenzy and take my time with the girl.
“Those men mean to hurt you.” I nod to the boys trapped in a maze of their own torture. “Let me escort you home, keep you safe. Okay?” My voice casts a spell as my thoughts become hers.
Faint pink hues paint her cheeks. “Um, okay. That’s very nice of you.”
“Oh, it’s no problem. No problem at all.” I allow her mind to see a taste of my plans. A not-so-innocent kiss. A brief caress. She smiles at me, flushing with the thoughts I plant.
“This is my stop,” she says as the train slows. “Thanks again for riding with me.”
“The pleasure is mine,” I whisper in her ear. “But please, let me walk you home. Just to be safe.”
A flash of panic and then a smile. “Sure, okay.”
I lead her from the train, through the deserted streets of the city. My need explodes across my tongue and I can barely control myself. Slow down, I remind myself. Enjoy her.
I pull her into a dark alley, lean her against the cold brick building. A soft breeze flutters past and I smell the sulfuric scent of the dark creatures waiting to feed.
Almost time.
I press into her. “You really should be more careful with strangers.”
Her body stiffens against mine. I feel her heart pound against her ribs as her breathing grows erratic. A seductive mix of fear and desire colors her features.
Close your eyes. Give into me.
Her eyes roll back as I lean in and tease her neck with my lips. Her jaw, her mouth. A barely-there moan escapes her lips.
I’ve won.
Demonic shapes form from the shadows around me. Tall and short, beaked and clawed, they move invisibly toward their next meal. Wait. Soon you can feed. They stop and allow me to finish, their need nearly eclipsing my own.
“Are you sure about this?” I ask my victim, already knowing her answer.
She grabs my waist and pulls me to her until the space between us is gone. “Yes,” she says through trembling lips.
I draw her into a soft kiss. The mix of c
haotic emotions—fear, lust, need—send me into a frenzy. I pull her into a hungrier kiss, moving my hands to the small of her back. She wraps her leg around me, her desire matching mine.
I retreat, teasing her. She moans and pulls me back.
I take what I need, gripping her body and ripping apart her soul. The sweet nectar unleashes the monster within. Her eyes spring open, wide and filled with unmitigated fear. The color drains from her skin as every crevice, every line in her face hardens with terror. She tries to close her mouth as her fists pound against my chest. I tighten my hold on her body and force her lips open.
I take her breath.
Her life.
Her soul.
And wait for my release, for the pain to ebb.
Nothing. Only more fury.
I drop the girl’s lifeless body. Demonic sounds pierce the night as the creatures move in, their beaks snapping around me. They rip at her body, feasting from the discarded torment and flesh.
My anger, my torment, grows with each heartbeat.
Chapter 5 – Transcending Pain
Nesy
There are few things I hate more than feeling weak. Needing help or failing top the list. The worst, however, is knowing that all three just happened.
My soulless human form sleeps without me. I had to get away from her body, her chaotic feelings, if only for a moment. I never wanted to be locked in flesh again. But glamour, illusion, will never fool an UnHoly like Aydan. No, I had no choice but to become human again.
I stare at the human girl, wondering what her life was like. Did she always feel so off balance? So confused? Did she ever feel love and hatred as I do in her body? Or has she always been nothing more than a shell created to serve the Council? I know the answer even before the question is fully formed. She is flesh and bone, memory and emotions. Nothing more. No soul, no higher purpose. A tool to serve the Council when we must interact with the humans we are sworn to protect. A vehicle that allows us to get closer to the UnHoly and the Dark One.
Shards of golden light reflect from my skin and dance around the room as I contemplate the night. My wings, an intricate web of spun gold and translucent feathers, unfurl behind me. Finally released from the confines of humanity I can relax. Think.
My emotions, human emotions, got the better of me tonight. No doubt the Council will want an explanation. And soon.
A true warrior should’ve been able to block those feelings and focus only on the mission.
A true warrior never would’ve lost control.
A true warrior wouldn’t have failed.
I think of my training, think of what Mikayel, the head of my order, would say if he knew of my weakness.
Of course he knows.
“Where’s your control, Sentinal?” I can almost hear his voice booming in my ear. “Focus. Practice.”
But I have practiced. For centuries.
I joined the Sentinals so I could forget. Adam. My human life.
Everything.
Trained in combat and dedicated to control, the path of the Sentinal was my best hope for survival. My time on Earth had scarred me. Secrets and feelings no angel should possess were permanently tattooed to my soul.
Images of my training stream through my thoughts. Decades learning to handle a sword. Even more time spent learning the ways of the UnHoly and the Dark One.
I trained my mind, closed off my heart, transcended all emotions. I forgot.
Until tonight.
Tonight’s events rewind and I relive each heart beat, looking for the moment I lost control. Aydan fills my thoughts.
Amber eyes…so like his.
The feel of his body against mine…inviting, familiar.
The taste of his lips…
Adam.
I broke every rule. Lost control. Endangered my order. It’s a miracle Zane and Cass found me. A miracle Aydan didn’t walk outside and discover the truth. A miracle the Dark One wasn’t there.
I have to fix this: find the UnHoly, finish my task. Before the Council comes and Mikayel asks questions that have no answers.
I draw in a deep breath and stow away my thoughts. Control, Sentinal. Stay in control. That time is gone. It has no meaning to you now.
Yeah, right.
“I see you’re awake.” Zane, my best friend and confidant, stands in the doorway. We could be twins, our angelic statures identical except for his jet black hair and the dark emerald green glow to his skin and robes. It’s the color of the Mediators, angels whose job it is to protect humanity from the evil seduction of the dark creatures and relay messages from the Council. It’s that last part that worries me.
Do they know?
Zane helped me transition from my life on Earth. After sixteen years in human form, you forget a few things about being an angel. He filled in the holes, healed my mind, reminded me of my duty. It was Zane who introduced me to the Sentinal order, Zane who encouraged me to trust Mikayel. I owe him my life a thousand times over.
A thousand-and-one if you count tonight’s fiasco.
“Hey, I was just coming to find you. Where’s Cass?”
“She’s confirming your orders.” Zane clenches his jaw, something he only does when he’s angry. Really angry.
This can’t be good.
“Orders? What orders?” My voice screams the unspoken question—how much does the Council know?
“You had to know they’d see everything. What happened? Why isn’t that UnHoly gone?”
“Being human happened.” I turn away, unable to handle his interrogating glare. “There’s something wrong with my host—her mind isn’t clean. She still has memories, feelings.”
“Impossible. I took care of it myself.”
“Well I don’t fail, whether I’m trapped in a human body or not. My host has to be the problem. It’s the only explanation.”
“Are you certain?” Zane’s accusing tone fills me with anger, doubt.
“Of course I’m certain. What else can it be?”
The question lingers as my mind crafts the answer. My past. My memories. My feelings.
No! I refuse accept that. I purged everything centuries ago.
“You were only in form for a few hours, too fast for your host to change you.” Zane pins me with his stare.
“What are you saying? That this has to do with last time?”
He furrows his brow and reaches into my mind. “Does it?”
Images and feelings race past my vision. Aydan singing to me, the feel of his skin on mine, the taste of his lips.
Blazes. What’s wrong with me?
“Your form isn’t the problem, Nes. Is it?” Zane takes a deep breath and retreats from my thoughts. “You’re going to have to manage the emotions—yours, the girl’s, whatever. You said you could handle this. The Council expects this taken care of quickly.” I open my mouth to speak and Zane raises a quieting hand. “And I expect you to do your duty.”
The disappointment in his voice stings more than my failure. “What do you want me to do? I didn’t expect any of this to happen.”
“I expect—”
Before he can finish his thought, Cass appears next to him. She’s shorter than either of us, with long black hair that reflects the indigo color glistening from her skin and wings, the color of her order, the Anointed. Where Zane healed my mind so many centuries ago, Cass healed my heart.
“So, did you tell her?” Cass smiles, a stark contrast to the scowl still etched on Zane’s face.
“Yes. She understands her duty.”
“My duty was never a question, Zanethios.” This is how it always is with Zane. I do something a tad reckless, and he lectures me about duty. Most days the routine is comforting.
Today it only illuminates my shame. My failure.
Cass ignores the frustration in my voice. She’s used to the constant bantering between Zane and I. “So,” she says. “Tomorrow you’ll enroll in Aydan’s high school, find him, and finish your task. No problem.”
“
Whoa, what? High school? No one said anything about high school.”
“You should’ve thought about that at the club.”
“Zane, stop. She’ll get it done.” Cass smiles at me. “We’ve been ordered to stay with you until you’ve completed the assignment.”
“Why? I’ve never needed a team. Or a babysitter.”
“You’ve never missed an opportunity to vanquish either.” Zane’s voice is flat. I’ve never seen him so disappointed, so angry, with me.
I want to argue, justify every action. But the words won’t form. Zane is right. I messed things up. Just me. I let the stupid emotions of a teenage girl confuse me. Let myself feel broken. Let myself remember.
That will never happen again.
East Side Prep looks more like a large brownstone than one of the best prep schools in the city. I climb the steps, unfamiliar doubt surfacing in my all-too-human thoughts. But not just doubt. Fear. Something feels wrong. Evil. Maybe the UnHoly isn’t the only dark creature walking the halls of this school. Maybe there is something worse, much worse.
I get my schedule from an office clerk and walk into the European History class, late. The loud bang of the door announces my presence to everyone. Not that I care. I’ll be gone by tomorrow and the UnHoly along with me.
I hand the registration slip to the teacher and search. Ayden’s easy enough to spot: back row, dressed in black, whispering to his tablemate, a black-haired, Goth boy I recognize from last night. Neither of them have a care in the world.
Lacrimosa (Requiem Series) Page 2